I hope you weren't thinking that the only person falling apart in this story was going to be Wes. Of course you weren't! I'm far too much of a jerk to make it that simple.
I hope you enjoy!
Warnings: Talks about murder and death, talks about depression, child abuse. Still in the process of writing so check here for new warnings as I go!
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Dropping the file onto the desk Callen reached up to gently massage the bridge of his nose in frustration. Even with all the years of having to fill out paperwork and understand legal terms it never failed to frustrate him. It always felt like a grab bag of big words and backwards talk trying to get people who needed help to walk away with nothing and people who had everything to beat them down so they never bothered to try again.
Don't get him wrong he knew that it wasn't always like that. That people like his husband were doing everything in their power to even the playing field for those who needed it the most. It was just easy to forget that when he was looking at something that was made so complicated when he was positive it didn't have to be that way. There was no chance that anyone that didn't already have some schooling in law would be able to understand what was going on.
That's why it had always been one of the things he hated most about being an agent. Yes, he was told repeatedly that it was there to keep him safe from people that wanted to take advantage of the system. At first it was easy to fall for that lie. Anyway, it wasn't as if he was going around breaking every law and putting people in danger. He was doing his job to the best of his abilities and making sure he did everything to make sure no innocent bystanders were injured.
He had seen fairly early on that not everyone went with that line of thinking though. To them paperwork was there to cover up whatever it was that they did wrong. They used and abused the very thing that was supposed to be there to protect them. As soon as he realized that it was difficult to ever see paperwork as something that was there to help anyone other than those that shouldn't be there in the first place.
That had been one of the reasons that he had been so proud of Deeks for getting back into law. The younger man knew just how easy it was for people with money and power to get away with whatever it was they wanted. He never believed anything else. Even back when he was a beat cop he had seen that and fought to get them arrested. Now he got to do that on a much bigger scale and he was damn good at it.
Which was why Callen was there in the first place. He was fully aware that the only thing he was really doing was putting files in piles so Deeks and his people could access them easier. There wasn't really anything else he could do. He could, on the other hand, admit that he was there because he got to watch his husband in his element.
Back when they had just been dating he had been seriously concerned that everyone was going to find out about them because it was near impossible for him not to watch Deeks. The way he was sure about what he was doing and rarely let someone deter him from what he knew was right. The way he was able to talk with victims and calm them down. The way he could take down suspects and still have that cocky little smirk on his lips. It was sexy to say the least.
He hadn't realized how much he had missed that after Deeks had left. There was so much of a void in the team that he couldn't stop to think about anything. He was too busy trying to stop all of them from falling apart. They had already lost one person. The last thing any of them wanted was to lose someone else because they couldn't focus on doing their job.
Then, a few years back, his husband had invited him to the office for lunch while the kids were at school. It really was supposed to be just a lunch. Nothing more. When he walked in with their food though Deeks had been in the middle of trying to calm down one of his clients. He couldn't remember exactly what it was that had gone wrong, but he could picture the fire in the younger mans eyes as he spoke with the young man. It had been a long time since he had seen that kind of passion and anger in his eyes.
All Callen had wanted was to have that look zeroed in on him. Which, probably, wasn't the best thing considering the whole 'anger' thing, but he had been an agent for enough years to know that about himself. Ever since that first day he had gone to visit his husband at work whenever he had the chance. Even if that meant spending his day organizing paperwork and feeling more than a little frustrated at everything.
Not as if that hadn't already been how he was feeling. It had taken all of his restraint to leave the house that morning. He had known from the second he saw his son that something was wrong and the fact that he had left felt way too close to abandonment than he was comfortable with. How could he have just walked out when it was obvious that there was something bothering him? What kind of father did that?
Alright, so it wasn't as if he had left him alone. He was with his best friend and that did make him feel a little better, but only a little. He hated more than anything the fact that he wasn't there for his little boy. That Wesley had chosen to push him away when he needed someone. Hell, he had acted as if everything was fine when it clearly wasn't!
It shouldn't bother him as much as it did. He was very much aware that he was the father and Wesley was his son and that relationship meant that there would be times when Wesley just didn't want to tell him what was going on. It was something that happened with Izzy quite a few times. That's just how things went. There was nothing wrong with it and he knew that Wesley wasn't trying to hurt him or anything like that.
It was a stark reminder of something that he had always known. He wasn't the best with people. Yes, he could fake it and there were even a handful of people that were close enough to him to see past all the walls that he put up, but there had been a time in his life, a very long time, that every relationship he had was a lie or at least half a lie. No matter how close they were or how much he cared for the person he was always holding something back.
Deeks was the complete opposite. That mans heart was his greatest gift and he gave it away so willingly. Everyone that came across his path got to hold a part of him until they proved they didn't deserve it. It was like he did it without conscious thought. Though Callen knew that everything Deeks did he had thought about. He simply choose to wear his heart on his sleeve for everyone to see. It made him one of the strongest people Callen had ever known.
Being with Deeks had changed a lot of things for him. He finally had a person in his life that he didn't have to question their motivation. With the younger man being as open as he was Callen always knew exactly what he was getting. Or he knew what he was getting when he bothered to look at what was right in front of him. There were times when things went a little off the rails, but that was usually because one of them turned a blind eye to what was right there.
They had walked down that path more than once and he considered it pure luck that they were able to find a way back to each other time and time again. Still, it always made him wonder. He loved Deeks and his kids with all of his heart, but maybe that was it. He knew that love was a powerful thing that could give people the strength to do whatever it was they needed to do, but…
For the longest time he had been sure that he was going to die in the field. That that was all his life was meant for. He figured he'd end up giving his life to save others and that would be that. There was no reason for him to look any further into the future if he already knew what was going to happen so he never did. It wasn't until he and Deeks started dating that things started to fall into place and he wanted more.
Then they had Izzy and Wesley and more and more things appeared until he had a large picture laid out in front of him that he wanted more than anything. Every time he imagined that future though there was one little thing that he always did his best not to think about. He was rarely ever actually in the picture with his family. He was off doing whatever it was he needed to be doing that day.
Back then those thoughts made sense to him. Deeks was the one that was there taking care of the kids while he randomly appeared in their lives for a few hours every few days. If they were lucky. He had been there as much as he could, but he was aware that he wasn't there often enough. That had actually been an almost comforting thought when it came to his death.
Him dying out in the field would hurt no matter what, but how much could it really hurt if he wasn't there in the first place? It wasn't as if he was suddenly missing parent teacher conferences or school plays. He was just still missing them. That wouldn't hurt nearly as much.
On his darker days he found it all too easy to believe that they would be better off if that had been the case. Did they even really need him? It wasn't as if Deeks couldn't do everything he did and do it better. Hell, he had done that for more than his fair share over the years. If the kids deserved to have anyone in their lives raising them it was him. They were the amazing people that they were because of him anyway.
Before he could get any further down in his thoughts Callen felt a hand rest on his shoulder. Looking up he saw Deeks staring at him worriedly. There was a small part of him that wanted to pull away from the touch, but he knew that would only make his husband more worried and that was the last thing he wanted to do. Instead he did his best to smile convincingly up at the man as he turned his head far enough to press a kiss to Deeks wrist.
"You back with me, G?" Deeks signed quickly before reaching back down to massage at his shoulder.
"Yeah," Callen replied back though he already knew that he'd been caught, "I'm fine."
"Then why do you have that look on your face?"
"What look?"
"The guilty look."
Callen couldn't help shaking his head at that. Of course Deeks read him as quickly as he did. He could see right through all the front he put up before they started dating. Why would it be any different now that they're married? He really only ever got away with things because the younger man trusted him to say if something was wrong. A trust that he had broken more than a few times.
"G?" Deeks questioned out loud his voice barely over a whisper.
"Do you ever regret it?" Callen signed before his mind could tell him to stop.
"Regret what?"
Callen lifted his hands to sign something, anything, but he couldn't think of the words he wanted to say. That hadn't been what he had wanted to ask. He wasn't even sure what he was trying to ask. At least he didn't think he knew what he was trying to ask. He hadn't been thinking when he he started to sign before. He had just let himself sign the first thing that popped into his head.
"Forget it," Callen signed standing up and taking a step away, "Just forget I said anything."
"No," Deeks said his voice sounding harsh while his fingers moved almost too quick to comprehend, "You can't ask that and expect me to ignore it. What is going on in that head of yours, Callen?"
"Just thinking about everything we've been through and…"
"G?"
"Something is wrong with Wesley. I know that something is wrong with him and I can't help wondering if he would have had an easier time talking to you. If he would have an easier time if I wasn't there at all. You're better with the kids than I am. Maybe they just need you."
For a moment everything seemed to freeze. That thought had been in his head for longer than he liked to admit and finally expressing it made him want to take back every single word. Not because he didn't mean them, but because of the heartbroken look on Deeks face. He hadn't seen a look like that since… He wasn't sure he had ever seen a look like that on his face. It was wrong on every level and he hated himself for it.
Before he could try to backtrack and get the subject dropped strong arms were wrapping around him. Resting his head against his husbands shoulder he took in a shaky breath trying to calm himself down. He could feel the tears pricking at his eyes and he hated it. He shouldn't be crying over any of it. It wasn't as if tears were going to fix everything that he had broken.
"I'm sorry," Callen finally signed pulling away from the embrace, "I shouldn't have said that."
"No, it's…" Deeks tried to sign back only to trail off before shaking his head, "Callen, I don't know what happened with Wesley today, but you can't do this to yourself. You can't believe that him not wanting to talk to you about something is because you're not a good father."
"If it had been you-"
"You know on yesterday before you got home he and I talked for a minute. About nothing really. I saw that something was wrong and I tried to get him to talk to me. He didn't. He changed the subject. He didn't want to talk and I couldn't make him. He's a teenager, Callen, if he doesn't want to talk to his parents he's not going to."
"It's Wesley though. He always talks to us."
"I know. He's not very good at keeping secrets. That's literally what I've been repeating to myself to stop from demanding answers. He'll come to us when he needs us. Until then we have to wait and watch and hope he knows that things don't have to fall before he comes to us."
Gritting his teeth Callen forced himself not to dismiss Deeks completely. The last thing he wanted to do was take out his anger and frustration at the situation on the younger man. It wasn't his fault that he was caught in the middle and had to try to keep everything in place when all Callen wanted was to walk away.
It had been years since he had felt like the best thing for the people around him would be for him not to be there. Being with his family was the thing that made his life, his past, worth it. Even on his bad days he knew that they loved him and thought the world about him. That they would never wish for him not to be a part of their lives anymore. He had found the place where he belonged and there was nothing that could make him leave that.
But there were times when the bad day turned worse and all he could see was the ways that he had failed each and every person he loved. When all the comforting and loving words they said to him felt like lies stabbing through to his heart. Those days didn't happen very often, but when they did he normally had a plan for dealing with them. Given it wasn't the best plan, but it worked and that was more than he could hope for.
It wasn't like it was a secret that he and Deeks had dealt with more than their fair share of bad situations in their lives. Deeks had his way of dealing with everything his mind through at him and Callen had his. Was it really all that bad that his way usually involved him getting as far away from his kids as he could so they didn't see the type of person he became when those thoughts got too much for him to handle?
Over the years it had only happened a handful of times and each time he did the exact same thing. Called Sam and convinced him to go fishing with him. Two or three days with his best friend basically getting called an idiot helped a lot. He wasn't exactly sure what that said about him, but he knew that it helped him and that was more than enough.
Anyway, it wasn't as if he was running away or anything. Callen was well aware that he had a temper. One that he normally had very good control over. One he also never wanted his kids to see. When he got too caught up in his thoughts though that side of him came out. Both he and Deeks knew that it was for the best that he take a moment to breathe and focus back in on what was happening instead of whatever bull his mind was coming up with.
For the most part that system had worked for them and the people around them agreed. Callen had always been the type of person to remove himself from situations he felt like he wasn't needed in so taking a few days to breath when everything came to be too much was a good solution. It wasn't perfect, but worked for all of them and the thoughts quieted away.
Most of the thoughts quieted away. No matter how many times he reminded himself it was ridiculous or how hard he pushed it away there was always that one that continued to bounce around his brain like it owned the place. Which shouldn't surprise him given the fact he had been thinking it for as long as he could remember.
He had tried so many times to ignore it or prove it wrong and it always felt as if every decision he made just made it more and more true. No matter what he did. Deeks had done his best to reassure him without fully knowing what he was thinking and any other time it would have brought a smile to his lips and a warmth to his heart, but he couldn't bring himself to believe the words. Not this time.
All he could focus on was the look that Wesley had given him before he left. The beautiful sage eyes he loved so much had seemed almost panicked looking up at him. That was not the kind of look that should be on his sons face. Let along directed at him. It had taken everything in Callen not to freeze.
In the back of his mind he knew that it was more than likely that he and Clary had been talking about something that they didn't want Callen to know. A thought that shouldn't bother him nearly as much as it did. It wasn't as if he was in control of his son. If he wanted to not tell him something he didn't have to.
There was also the chance that it was Clary that had started to conversation to begin with and Wesley was helping her out. Something that was perfectly fine. Both of them were intelligent. If they were in any real trouble they could go to someone. Even if it wasn't he and Deeks there was still Kensi or Nell. It wasn't as if they were going to run out of people to have their backs anytime soon. They would be fine.
If he was honest, Callen knew that if it had been Izzy he wouldn't have even blinked. There were countless times where his daughter kept things from them until the very last second. He was very much aware that she had a lot of secrets held close to her heart where no one was ever going to see them if she didn't allow them too. She was like him in that way. Independent almost to a fault.
That wasn't Wesley. The boy could rarely stop his mouth from running if something was going on in his head. It wasn't that he had no filter, though that was a thing he worked on, as much as he wanted everyone to be able to understand exactly where he was coming from. If there was one thing he hated it was miscommunications. He didn't hide things.
If he wasn't talking about whatever it was that was on his mind than he had purposefully decided to hide what he was thinking. No matter how hard he tried Callen couldn't think of one good reason why he would do something like that. Which meant something was very wrong. And he had just walked away from that.
Even with Deeks telling him that he made the right choice in leaving he couldn't help feeling as if he had abandoned his son. Someone as open and honest with his thoughts and feelings didn't just randomly decide not to talk about something. He had to have made the conscious choice to not talk or he had to be pushed into thinking he couldn't.
"Callen," Deeks called out catching his attention, "I know you're worried. I'm worried too."
"Then let's do something!" Callen shot back feeling more than a little frustrated, "Why are we just sitting around here when Wesley obviously needs help?"
"You have done countless interrogations. You know pushing only ends in one of two ways. Either the person breaks and tells you everything, but then feels as if they can't trust you. Or they clam up to the point of not telling you even when they want to because they don't trust you. I don't know about you, but I don't want to deal with either of those outcomes. We have to trust him to do the right thing and come to us when he's ready."
"And if he doesn't come to us? What then?"
"Callen."
"No, tell me what I'm supposed-"
"You're being unreasonable."
"Unreasonable? I'm being unreasonable?"
"Yes! Wesley is going to be fine!"
"You don't know that!"
"What is wrong with you? So he didn't tell you something. It's not the end of the world."
"Because I'm a horrible father!"
Feeling himself deflate Callen dropped back into his seat burying his face in his hands. He had tried so hard to keep those words as far away from his lips as possible. They had been bouncing around in his head for as long as he could remember though.
That had been the thing he feared the most for the longest time. It had been one thing to deal with when he was younger. It wasn't as if he was going to knock anyone up. If he had a kid it was going to be his choice. He would be in his right mind and he would be with someone that cared enough to see through all the walls he put around himself.
So he pushed them to the back burner thinking that the family life just wasn't in the cards for him. It hurt to walk away from that dream but he decided that carrying it around hurt so much worse. For the longest time it had been worth it. No, he didn't have a family of his own, but he would take all the pain and heartbreak the world had for him if it meant that there was one less parent-less child or one less far too small coffin buried six feet under.
Then he met Deeks and they had Izzy and Wesley and… nothing really changed. Okay so maybe, it now wasn't other families he was trying to protect but his own. A family that lived and grew without him for the first handful of years of his kids lives. He was practically a ghost taking credit for all of his husbands hard work. Years. He might have come back, but it had taken far too long and he wasn't sure he was worth it.
Feeling a hand rest on his knee he lifted his head up to see Deeks kneeling in front of him. A sad smile came to his lips as he leaned forward to press their lips together. Callen could feel the tears slowly making their way down his face as the man pulled away. Licking at his lips Callen did his best to ignore the salt lingering on his tongue. As he looked at his husband though he couldn't help wondering if maybe it wasn't his tears that he was tasting.
"G," Deeks tried to start.
"Don't, Marty," Callen replied shaking his head.
"You're not a horrible father."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Izzy and Wesley love you."
"How do you know?"
"I know what a horrible father is, Callen. That's not you."
"So an absent father. Whatever."
"You had an absent father. Are you anything like that?"
Callen wanted to fight back. He wanted to point out all the ways the younger man was wrong. That there was more types of bad father other than just theirs. That he could still be a horrible father. He couldn't just let himself off the hook for everything that he had done to his children. He wouldn't let himself forget everything.
"You're a good father," Deeks repeated staring into his eyes.
Shaking his head Callen dropped his chin to his chest not wanting to look at the younger man anymore. He couldn't do it anymore. He was so tired and done with the conversation. He knew that Deeks was trying to help, to comfort, him, but he couldn't hear it anymore. Not when the words felt like they didn't actually mean anything.