While Avery hadn't suffered through an alcohol induced hangover in a long time, over the last few months she had become incredibly used to the feeling of an emotional hangover. Fighting with Bucky and sobbing into Steve's chest as she fell asleep had left her waking up exhausted.
Her limbs extended far as she stretched in the big bed. Tilting her head to the left she looked out the large windows on the far wall, letting in beautiful white daylight as snow gently fell outside. There was a very real sense of serenity knowing it was the first day of a brand new year. Letting out a heavy sigh, Avery shifted to reach for her phone off the nightstand.
Steve had left a few hours ago - ever the early bird - to meet up with Clint before he headed back home. Avery would question why anyone felt the need to conduct business on New Years Day but since it was Steve, she wasn't all that surprised. He promised to be home by noon for brunch and a lazy day of movies.
But Avery wasn't checking her phone for anything from Steve. She was still waiting for a few final grades and a response from her program advisor about her placement hours. Her fall semester had been derailed because of her surgery and her inability to use her right arm for weeks. She managed as best as she could through her classes and assignments but ended up reducing her extra hours with Bruce to the bare minimum. She knew she was going to have to make it up over the spring before she qualified to graduate.
Swiping through her phone, Avery frowned - no new emails, no new grades. Considering it was still the holiday break, she wasn't surprised. But there was a bundle of anxious nerves that seemed ready to snap when she thought about all of the unknowns.
A quiet mewling sound interrupted Avery's stream of thoughts as Alpine appeared on the bed, climbing overtop of her before resting beside her left hip. Avery trailed her hand down and scratched the cat's ears. Their position was short lived as more pattering feet sounded up the stairs and next it was Rocky bounding into the room instead. Alpine, disturbed by the new noise, quickly got up and found a safe space on her perch near the windows instead.
"You need to work on your approach, buddy," Avery said as she sat up, leaning over and welcoming Rocky to join her on the bed instead. Try as they may to have a no dogs on the bed rule, it had been pretty short lived.
Next, there was a knock on the doorframe. Avery turned her gaze from Rocky towards the noise, meeting Bucky's eyes as he stood at the threshold.
"Can I.." He motioned into the room, as if waiting for permission to enter.
Avery sucked in a breath, trying to rationalize her thoughts before replying. "It's our room, Buck. You can come and go as you please."
That could have come out nicer. She sighed and offered a smile, waving him in. Considering the state he was in last night, looking him over now, he seemed to be in good enough spirits. Part of Avery had anticipated having to tease him through a hangover - like he had done so many times before with her - but that opportunity didn't seem worth it. He looked so tired.
Bucky had been keeping her at a distance for weeks now. It was getting better - slowly, so slowly - but Avery was pretty fed up. She missed him so much. She missed laughing with him and working together to tease Steve and the feeling of his arms around her. She missed the cool touch of his metal hand, the comforting pressure of his arm slung over her as they slept. She missed feeling his skin against her own.
As he made his way towards the bed, dressed in a pair of sweats and a mismatched wool sweater, she wanted to scream about just how much she missed him. Instead though, she bit her tongue.
I miss you.
She hardly even noticed he was carrying two cups of coffee, nodding as he placed one down on the bedside table for her. He also dropped down a banana that had been tucked under his arm and finally, he reached into the pocket of his pants and handed her the small weekly pill kit that held her medication.
"Banana first," he muttered out, sliding down the wall to sit facing her side of the bed. He left his coffee on the floor beside his feet, casually hanging one arm off his propped up knees and using the other to brush a hand through his hair.
Avery didn't respond, simply grabbing the banana and quietly chewing. She knew better than to take any of her medication on an empty stomach. She appreciated his thoughtfulness.
"Well, your first hangover in 80 years and you seem to be managing," she commented quietly, finishing up the piece of fruit and sipping her coffee as she swallowed her pills.
Bucky huffed, half a smirk on his face. "At least I didn't throw up."
She rolled her eyes, placing down her coffee mug and busying her hands by scratching Rocky's ears. A strange silence filled the room. Avery avoided looking over at Bucky, though she could sense he was building up the energy to say something.
"Can we talk about last night?"
Avery lifted her gaze from Rocky, turning to look at Bucky once more. "Sure."
Steve originally had every intention of selling or subletting his apartment in the village. He really did. But, it had become a part of his personal history and he was hesitant to let go. So instead, he put the idea off. He let friends crash there occasionally but it had otherwise turned into an unofficial headquarters for their current missing persons project.
Steve pursed his lips, taking a pause to run his hand across his jaw. His eyes flicked to watch Sam, who was rapidly flipping through the file folder in front of him. With a heavy sigh, he turned back to Luke and Charlie.
"You're certain that's who you saw? You were in the middle of a very populated area in Paris - you would have seen hundreds if not thousands of people throughout your weekend. And you were on leave - drinking, staying out late.."
Charlie swallowed hard and nodded his head. "Steve, I understand you have no reason to take me seriously. I don't blame you." His silence filled in the reference none of them found the need to repeat. "But I know it was him. Same scar over his eyebrow.. He looked at us, like right at us, when we called his name."
Luke drummed his fingers on the small table they were all hunched over in the back of the cafe. "And I would not have reached out to Sam if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes either. If it wasn't him, there's a triplet no one knows about."
"This is a great place to start," Sam murmured, finally looking up from the pieces of paper ahead of him. "And this was all there was in his case file? No real investigation after the crash?"
Luke shook his head. "Not that I could find. I figure you two might have more luck researching in the back end of military files. And that old Hydra file -
Sam looked down at the other stack of documents. He slid one towards Steve. In big bold letters on the top of the first page it read Project Cendres.
Charlie pointed towards the file. "That one was buried deep in the information dump the Black Widow dropped years ago. But it's mostly in French with a lot of redacted parts.."
"Well, this won't be our first missing persons case." Steve finally said. "If we can call it that."
"We've had bigger mountains to scale," Sam said with a huff.
"I know it's a big ask. And who knows if this is even possible. One sighting in one location might not count for anything." Charlie glanced around the table. "I just know this would really .. it would change everything for Lou and Nash and Avery."
Steve clenched his jaw when Charlie said Avery's name but he did his best to remain still faced. "We'll see what we can do. If this means what we think.. There are much bigger things to worry about. Especially if this leads back to Hydra."
"Is Hydra still a thing? I thought the Avengers dealt with all of that years ago," Luke asked quietly, tilting his head slightly as he looked at Steve.
Steve wasn't sure how to answer that so he didn't. Cut off one head and two more shall take its place.. "Thanks for all the details." He gripped the papers in his hand and nodded. "We'll be in touch."
Missing person. That was the easy way to describe it.
It had been a few months now since the case had landed in Steve and Sam's laps. From what started as a simple, hopeful sighting in France - it had escalated into a complicated, delicate investigation.
Steve never imagined he'd be neck deep in Hydra again. In a sense, he used Bucky's absence as a great distraction for these troubling feelings too. How could he even start that conversation with Avery or any other member of her family?
'So, turns out Hydra is still out there and for years has been capturing fallen soldiers from war zones across Europe. But good news! Your brother might not be dead after all. Bad news: he might be brainwashed by a vintage, power hungry Nazi organization.'
The entire concept made him sick to his stomach. He knew there was a conversation to be had with Avery in the near future about everything that was going on but he wasn't ready for that yet. Considering they had still yet to confirm if Jeremy Felix was alive, he couldn't even think about crossing that bridge. Plus, he needed to get Bucky involved first. He knew that was going to be the first obstacle.
"You awake?" Steve spoke quietly as he pushed open the door to the spare bedroom. He felt a touch of guilt leaving Avery in bed alone but given how much she had tossed and turned throughout the night, letting her sleep was the best option. Before heading out to take care of some project related things, Steve needed to talk to Bucky.
It was time.
Bucky was staring at the ceiling as he laid above the blankets. He tilted his head slightly to watch as Steve walked in, meeting his gaze once he crouched beside the bed.
"Feeling okay?" Steve asked with a smirk.
Bucky nodded. That was mostly the truth. Physically he was feeling okay. Emotionally.. Spiritually..
"Great." Steve reached out to clap a hand on his shoulder. "You can wallow in this room for as long as you want this morning but the minute you get out of bed, that's it. You've gotta go talk to her. We can't just avoid all of this any longer, Buck. We can't. I'm not going to listen to her cry when you're down here upset, too. We need to work together and get on the other side of all of this mess. Got it?"
Steve did tough love well when he needed to. He knew his speech wasn't entirely necessary because after how the night before had ended, Steve was well aware Bucky was coming to terms with what he needed to do.
Now, the task at hand. Steve went about opening up a few of the file folders that were left on his old dining table and turned on the large screen that was across on the wall. An array of photos and data sheets loaded up ahead of him as he collected his thoughts.
A knock at the door brought him to his feet as he welcomed in Sam, Alice and Clint. The three were chattering away about something - including some bemoaning from Sam about getting together on a federal holiday to work.
"I'm just saying if the President takes today off, we should too," Sam grumbled out, hiding behind a pair of sunglasses. Clearly he had not rebounded from his hangover yet. Alice gave him a pat on the back as they shrugged off their coats.
"Are you two getting paid? I thought this was volunteer work for Cap," Clint added in, raising an eyebrow at Steve as he sunk onto the couch.
"Paid in friendship exclusively," Alice said with a smirk, taking up a seat at the table and pulling a laptop out of her bag. "And because I love a good mystery."
"I appreciate you all giving me some time today." Steve clapped his hands together and let out a long breath. "I'm planning on getting Bucky up to speed soon so I wanted to make sure we're all on the same page. Al? You wanna start?"
Alice nodded, pausing to pull her dark hair back into a ponytail. She stretched out her hands and flicked her wrists, mirroring her laptop screen onto the larger display. "It's been a bit of a nightmare to figure out but I've confirmed there was at least two dozen missing soldiers pulled from remote crashes between 2002 and 2015. Now, I couldn't figure out much of a pattern to these men and women - they are from a variety of countries with different backgrounds. But that's when I realized -
"That is the pattern," Steve murmured, sitting in a chair opposite her. "Trial and error. Again and again."
"Yes, exactly. And, all the incidents happened along the line of the Iran/Afghanistan border." Alice paused, running a hand through her hair before finding her next thought. "I'm a little lost, honestly. Hydra's connection isn't clear to me. Unless they've been very active and very careful for a long time, even through the five year gap. There is a lot left to be determined about their goals here."
"And all these cases-" Sam motioned to the screen, narrowing in on news articles and military reports in varying languages. "No bodies were found?"
"None."
"And no one did anything about it?"
Sam let out a gruff laugh at Clint's question. "The amount of shit the US military covers up.. You can't be surprised if any other military powers do the same thing. They can't admit to not knowing where a presumed fallen soldier has wound up. They see a crash site and nobody, and well." He shrugged, casting a disappointed look towards the screen.
"And yet you served for how many years?" Clint quipped back, eyebrows raised in skepticism.
Sam rolled his eyes. "That's unimportant." He wrung his hands together and started towards the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water. "I got a hold of my contact. He's on schedule to visit Strickland next week - they have their archives locked down but if he can swing it, he might be able to get his eyes on that original report on Jeremy."
Steve nodded. "If Jeremy was stationed out of Bagram, I'm curious to know how he wound up in Western Europe." Actually, it made Steve aware of a lot more questions than it did answers. If that was Jeremy they saw in Paris and for some reason he heard his name called, why was he still hiding out in Europe? Was it a memory loss situation again? Was he not allowed to return home?
"Well, if only we had someone who knew an awful lot about the Hydra cells that existed across that region. Wouldn't that be helpful?" Sam offered Steve a stiff smile. "Have you thought about how you're going to talk to Bucky about this?"
"More importantly, have you considered how you're going to talk to Avery about it?" Alice countered, crossing her arms.
Steve was not ignorant to the fact that Bucky could likely serve as a resource for this ongoing investigation. In fact, they were counting on his Hydra intel to help them move forward with some working theories. But Steve knew it wasn't going to be easy to get Bucky on board keeping this from their girlfriend.
"We can't tell Avery or anyone else in her family until we have an actual lead. This research is great but until we get a sighting or visual confirmation that he's alive, I won't even consider that an option." Steve sat back in his chair, arms cross over his chest. "And Bucky? Well, it's one day at a time right now. I'm just waiting for the right time to bring it up."
Alice huffed. Steve watched her mouth snap open then shut again.
"This is a safe space, Al," Steve said to her with a smirk, tipping his head curiously. "No need to hold back."
"I'm sorry, but Bucky isn't a child. I realize he's punishing himself but I don't think you need to hold his hand through what's going on, Steve." Alice let out a long exhale.
Sam laughed. "I can't help but agree. At least he's finally back to work this week. I know Sharon has a lot of words to share with him, too."
"Can I ask an obvious question here?" Clint had been silent during this back and forth, eyes scanning the screen and some paper documents ahead of him. Clearly his mind was on this investigation instead of analyzing Bucky's behaviour like the other two. "Why are they taking injured soldiers? If Avery's brother survived a plane accident, he must not have been in good shape. Wouldn't they be better off with fully healthy individuals?"
Steve and Alice shared a tense glance. She leaned back into her chair, indicating to Steve he should answer. "Not a lot of people volunteer for experimentation," he started slowly. "If that is what this is. I can only assume whatever they are developing is much more advanced than what happened to myself or Bucky, even."
"I think it can be easier to build someone to their liking if they're already broken in a way. There's a narrative about giving a second shot at life weaved through those notes from the Cendres file. In itself, the project title directly translates to 'ashes' - they're intentionally trying to revive humans from near death for their benefit." Alice added in. "I'm not sure this is about super soldiers though. Some other sort of enhancement, perhaps. I'm concerned about the fact sheet about metal alternatives and prosthetic designs. I don't want to take any leaps here but if they considered Bucky's arm replacement a success, I wonder if that was an angle they continued with. But without more information, I think we're a bit lost and stuck speculating." A heavy sigh escaped her lips as she met Steve's gaze again. "We need Bucky."
Avery was going to ask Bucky to at least sit with her on the bed as they talked but decided against it. He had every right to stand up and sit somewhere else but his place on the floor seemed to ground him. Plus, Rocky was somehow taking up the rest of the bed as he sprawled out and napped beside her.
She watched closely as Bucky took a long gulp of his coffee. There was something weirdly familiar about hearing his metal fingers click against the mug as he set it down on the floor.
Avery sighed. "I'm not going to apologize for last night. I had to get all of that off my chest and it wasn't my intention to make you feel any worse. It's just.." She trailed off, bunching up the bedsheets in her hand.
"We both know you're not the one who needs to be apologizing, Ave," Bucky replied quietly. He set his gaze on the far windows, watching the gentle snowfall in the daylight. He took a deep breath. "There are parts of my mind that are very, very broken. That will never really heal. Considering I lost so much of that control for so long - there are a lot of things locked away in there that I am.." He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, as if fighting away unwelcome pain. "That I'm scared of."
"Bucky." Avery tried to draw his attention.
"I don't remember that night, Avery!" He turned his head towards her, blinking away tears. "I was laying in bed with you in my arms and then.. I was on the floor, having just been thrown into that wall by Steve." Bucky pointed a shaking finger to the far side of their room. "I thought I had figured it out-" He moved his hand to point at his own head. "But it's like my mind still can't be trusted."
"I can count on my hands the amount of times you've had a nightmare the last few years, Bucky," Avery said in return, trying to reason with him.
"That wasn't a nightmare." His voice was quiet. "That… That wasn't even me."
"There. There it is!" Avery shook her head. "If it wasn't you, why are you pushing me away, Buck?"
"I could have killed you. And Steve!. Do you get that? If it happens again, I could-
"Of course I understand that!" Avery huffed. "But you do realize I could also get hit by a car tomorrow or I could come down with some serious illness or -
"I know there are a lot of variables, Avery. But this is one I am supposed to be able to control. You shouldn't be scared of sleeping in bed beside me because there's a risk that could happen again. I'm supposed to protect you and keep you safe, not be the cause of any harm."
"Can I be honest right now?" Avery asked quietly. "Like, rip open my chest cavity and lay my heart on the table kind of honest?"
Bucky swallowed the lump in his throat. "Yes. That's all I want."
Avery took a second to take a few long breaths. Beside her, Rocky tipped his head up, letting out a curious whimper as he dropped his chin onto her thigh. "Yes, that night - what you did, how you acted, it scared me. The shattered elbow, the broken nose, the bruised ribs.. that hurt. But what hurt even more was waking up and having to hear Steve tell me you left. That he didn't know where you went and that he didn't know when you would be back. If you were going to come home at all. That hurt more than anything. And that still hurts." She couldn't bring herself to look at Bucky, instead focusing on scratching Rocky's ears. "I forgave you for that physical stuff the moment it happened. I know sometimes I don't seem to be trying as hard but there's still work to be done for everything else."
Bucky swallowed hard, bringing his gaze down towards his hands.
"Why did you leave?" Avery's question came out very quietly. She was dying to just understand where he was coming from - even if the answer might not settle her heartache.
"They fixed my mind before in Wakanda," he slowly replied. "I was praying to anyone who listened that they could give me an answer about why that night happened. Why my brain.. malfunctioned again."
Avery nodded. And then, even though she wasn't sure her voice would cooperate, she continued. "And you couldn't find a spare moment to call me or text me or anything?"
He barely heard her that time. When he raised his head, her eyes were squeezed shut.
"Then you come home finally - unannounced - and that's it? There's no explanation until you push me to this point? You think keeping me at an arm's length fixes it?" She shook her head, sitting up onto her knees. "I'm going… Augh. I just want to scream, Bucky."
"Then scream at me! Please." Bucky snapped his head towards her. "I deserve it."
"Can you put yourself in my shoes? I feel like I've been floating in this in-between place - where I don't even know who I am to you or who you are to me. You throw yourself at Steve, like you're starving for his affection and you're just completely ignorant to the fact that I need you too. I need you, Bucky. But I'm on the outside and you keep push-
"I'm not -
"You are! So if.." Avery choked on her words. "If this whole incident is the end - if this is the worst case scenario, just do it, Bucky."
"Do what? Avery, what are you saying?"
"Break up with me!" Avery exclaimed like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You think you lift out of this equation? We all know I'm the one who -
"Is that what you want?"
"Of course it's not what I want." Avery groaned, raising her hands up to press against her eyes. "But it feels like that's what is coming. You know what I really want?" Filling her lungs with a deep inhale, she kept going. "I want to live in this house - our home - with you and Steve and I want to go on dates and take road trips and I want us to get married one day and I want to have your babies and raise a family and grow old with you two! But if we can't get past this whole fucking incident, maybe we're better off just calling it now." She fell onto her back again, letting out a long steady breath.
There. She said it. The scariest thing she could think of. Avery wanted forever but if that wasn't in the cards for Bucky, he'd better just tell her.
There was a palpable silence after her words escaped. They seemed to hang heavy in the air. If Avery wasn't carefully listening to the sound of Bucky's metal arm, she might have just assumed he had left the room. Before Bucky could muster up a reply, Avery's phone started to vibrate on the bedside table.
With another groan she shifted, seeing Steve 'Loves America' Rogers flashing on the caller ID.
"It's Steve," Avery muttered out, glancing towards Bucky. He was staring off towards the window again and motioned his hand for her to pick up the phone.
"Hello?" Avery brought her phone up to her ear, eyes close once more, and tried not to sigh.
"Hey, hope I didn't wake you."
"No, our furry children did that," she replied with a soft laugh, closing her eyes.
"And Bucky?"
"Also awake and present in the bedroom." Avery peaked one eye open and watched Bucky stand and head towards the door. "Well, he was."
"You two okay?"
"No worse than last night." She paused. "Certainly not better either." She heard him sigh.
"Do you think we need anything from the bodega?"
Avery hummed and pulled herself off the bed, dragging her feet and heading towards the hallway. Fight on hold. "Bucky?" She leaned her head over the staircase railing. "Do we need eggs?"
After a pause, Bucky's reply echoed through the house. "Yes! And get him to grab that cinnamon bread, too."
Avery finished off with Steve and fought off the urge to return to the bed. She supposed her conversation with Bucky wasn't really done and the smart thing to do would be to join him in the kitchen. But instead, she decided the current Most Important Task was plant care.
Of course Avery's ever expanding plant collection had moved into the house with them. Bucky and Steve even installed special shelves on the recommended areas to keep the greenery that was not cat friendly far away from Alpine. She was finally making her way down to the office to tend to those plants when Steve came home. She heard Rocky zooming towards the door and Steve's joyous reply as he greeted the dog.
Avery kept at her task, trying not to listen to whatever Bucky and Steve were now murmuring about downstairs. The office was full of bright light, just like their bedroom above, and it was easy for Avery to lose herself there. Her fingers brushed against leaves and soil as she rotated her slew of greenery. Crouching down near the windows, she poured some water into the base of her fiddle-leaf fig tree, Frank. Though spring was far away, she knew the tree would thrive once more outside in their backyard.
"Frank is looking good." Avery turned and looked over her shoulder, seeing Steve in his classic 'trying to be casual and lean against the door frame' pose. With the late morning sun streaming in, it was as if there was a golden glow encompassing him. How he managed to look so handsome in just a plain tee and jeans was always surprising to Avery.
"Especially after the broken branch incident," Avery replied with a shy smirk, pulling herself to stand up again.
"C'mon." Steve offered her a smile and titled his head towards the stairs. "I think we all need to talk."
"I want to live in this house - our home - with you and Steve and I want to go on dates and take road trips and I want us to get married one day and I want to have your babies and raise a family and grow old with you two! But if we can't get past this whole fucking incident, maybe we're better off just calling it now."
Bucky knew having that conversation with Avery wasn't going to be particularly easy. But that was the last thing he expected to hear from her. The fact that breaking up was something that had crossed her mind made his heart hurt more than it was before. He wasn't even sure that was possible.
He probably shouldn't have been relieved that Steve's phone call interrupted them but he was happy to slink out of the room, doing everything in his power to contain the impending anxiety attack that was surging through him. Suddenly, everything he had been doing seemed so stupid. Leaving the country, looking for answers in Wakanda, keeping Avery from being close to him - all these things, at the forefront of his mind, were for her. To keep her safe.
But he was realizing just how stupid he had been. Having a horrifying emotional response to his grief followed by a night terror where he attacked his partners and wound up physically harming Avery - that was terrifying. So running away, removing the harmful thing from the equation, it seemed like the logical thing to do. He never wanted it to drive Avery away though - especially not to a place where she might think breaking up was going to be the final solution.
I'm James Buchanan Barnes and I'm an idiot.
By the time he got to the kitchen, he was trying to formulate a plan. How could he fix this and was it possible to repair and the last month had been so -
"Bucky? Do we need eggs?"
At least they weren't so far gone she wasn't going to talk to him. He pulled open the fridge door, quickly scanned then yelled towards the stairs. "Yes! And get him to grab that cinnamon bread, too."
Avery didn't join him downstairs. He wasn't sure if that was good or bad but for the time being, he was relieved to have a bit of time to collect his thoughts and figure things out. Leaning both his arms onto the kitchen island, Bucky took in a long, deep breath and closed his eyes. He wasn't sure how long he stood there with his thoughts but the pattering of Rocky's feet heading to the door brought him back to the present.
After shrugging out of his coat, Steve made his way to the kitchen. He left the paper bag of groceries on the far counter and paused beside Bucky, raising an eyebrow. "How did it go?"
"Not great," Bucky replied softly, shaking his head. "I think we're at rock bottom, Stevie."
Steve dragged his hand across his jaw, scratching against his beard. "Okay, well. Then we can only go up from here, right?" He turned towards the stairs. "I'll grab Ave. We're having a team meeting."
As much as life took the Captain America out of him, Steve was still a stubborn leader by nature. Bucky got to work on a plan for breakfast, turning his head as the other two came downstairs and joined him in the kitchen a few minutes later. Steve encouraged Avery to sit at one of the stools at the island, replenishing her cup of coffee.
Then, he stood with his arms crossed. To his left, Bucky was working on the cinnamon bread french toast. To his right, Avery was running her fingers anxiously across the top of her coffee mug. Steve cleared his throat.
"Whenever The Avengers came back from a bad mission or went through an unexpected emergency and tempers flared, Tony gathered us for what he called a 'State of the Union' discussion." Steve uncrossed his arms and motioned between Avery and Bucky. "So, this is when we put everything on the table. Okay?"
Bucky muttered out some sort of positive agreement, putting a pause on the brunch preparations. He turned away from the stove and took a step closer to the island, watching as Avery avoided looking in his direction.
"In the spirit of being-" Bucky took a deep breath. "..rip out my heart honest, saying sorry doesn't feel like enough. It's too light, too easy. It doesn't seem right to spit out some five letter word after I caused you both so much pain. But I'll probably just feel the need to apologize for the rest of my life." His jaw shook when he paused to compose himself again. "I don't want to cause either of you any harm but.. Avery, baby, you especially. When I came to and Steve was rushing you away, covered in blood because of me - the immediate answer was to eliminate what hurt you like that, so leaving was the only option."
Steve swallowed hard. "It wasn't the only option, Buck."
"I know! I know.." Bucky sighed. "But during that moment it seemed like the smartest thing to do."
"More like the stupidest thing you could do.." Avery muttered out quietly, looking up from her hands finally.
"Avery." Steve rolled his eyes. "I don't think that's helpful."
"Hey, you said we had to be honest!"
"She's not really wrong." Bucky cracked a smile. "It was… not a good move. I think I was trying to convince myself otherwise." His face fell back to a hard frown. "But I want it to be clear that I don't want anyone in this relationship to break up with anyone else or -
"What? Wait. When did this even cross your mind?" Steve's eyes grew wide with concern, gazing between Bucky and Avery.
"I told Bucky that it feels like I'm just waiting in some purgatory for one of you to call it and -
"That's not.. I don't think any of us want to -
Avery cut Steve off before he started to spiral more. "No, I know. I just… had to say it, okay? It wasn't something I considered but then Lora put some stupid thoughts in my head and.." She trailed off, anxiously reaching for her coffee and taking a sip. She avoided looking at either of them.
"Your sister needs to focus on her own marriage instead of our relationship," Bucky said, rolling his eyes. If Avery wasn't so focused on working things out with her boys, she may have paused to consider what Bucky meant by that statement.
Avery took another deep breath. "I just want to move forward from all of this. We don't need to forget about that night but we should shift our focus to making up for lost time and.. No more apologies for things we can't control."
When she looked up at Bucky, it was as if his entire being was finally relaxed. "I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but -
"Stop that, stop." Avery shook her head. "You do deserve it and you have it. Okay? Believe me when I say that."
"I'm sorry, too."
Avery turned to Steve. "You don't have to-
"I know my job isn't to mediate between you two but.." Steve paused, sighing. "We work better together - when we are equal and honest on all fronts. So, I know I can do better, too."
Avery didn't realize she needed to hear that, but seeing the honesty in Steve's eyes gave her a sense of clarity. He hadn't intentionally been so forgiving of Bucky already but it was evident Steve let him back in much quicker than Avery had. She was understanding, of course. Given how many times Steve had lost Bucky in his life before, she didn't expect anything less than his welcome arms when Bucky finally came home. But it hadn't helped the division.
"You're just so soft for me, Stevie," Bucky said with a shy smirk, moving towards Steve to throw an arm over his shoulder. Avery couldn't help but smile when she saw Steve's cheeks brush pink. "But maybe I needed the tough love sooner than this morning."
"Yeah, well, we got here eventually." Steve sighed, leaning his head onto Bucky's shoulder.
"If something happens again - no one runs away, okay?" Avery's voice, though it shook, came out loud and clear. "No one leaves."
Bucky gave a firm nod. "No one leaves." It was an unsaid promise to both Steve and Avery - another silent apology but confirmation that he understood. The last thing he wanted to do was cause a wave of hardship like that again. Steve nodded too, tipping his rested head upwards to press a kiss to the side of Bucky's forehead.
They both looked towards Avery, who had suddenly pushed back from the counter to stand, her face twisted. Her fingers found the tips of her hair, anxiously twirling the messy pile of hair that rested over her shoulder.
"You okay?"
Avery was quick to nod although her mouth snapped open. "No, actually." Her tongue extended across her lips as she collected her thoughts. Her bottom lip rolled across her teeth and she winced, eyes closed. "This.. is part of why I'm hurting, too. Why I'm so frustrated." She raised her right hand and motioned towards them, though she took a step away to create some distance.
"Avery, I -
She cut Bucky off. "If.. what happened that night - The Incident - if that means you can't be physical with me anymore, Bucky, I can.. I'll adjust. But it's going to be hard and seeing you two express yourselves won't make it easier. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't express yourselves because nothing makes me happier than to see you both so comfortable together. It's just very difficult and a confusing shift. I will just need some time and I hope you can respect me enough to see that."
"Avery, that's not.."
Avery kept her eyes closed, holding back her tears as she continued. "I just wish I could remember what our last kiss felt like or even when it was. I must have kissed you before I fell asleep that night but I would have committed it to memory if I had known that was going to be it." She took a deep breath and exhaled very slowly, trying with all her might to slow down the fury of anxious thoughts that were racing through her mind.
She was okay, this was okay. This was going to be an adjustment, sure. But she could survive it. As long as they were all together in some capacity, that would be enough. Right? That had to be enough. If she could never kiss Bucky again, she would survive. Or she'd have to, because she needed him in her life and -
Avery's train of thought was derailed when she suddenly felt a pair of hands on her waist, pulling her towards a very warm body. She hardly had a chance to let a gasp leave her mouth before Bucky was crashing his lips onto hers. It took a few seconds for her to realize what was happening but soon enough, her arms were wrapping around his waist. He pulled himself away, gently nibbling on her bottom lip as her smile grew.
Bucky's right hand moved to cradle her cheek. "Avery, baby, I can't live without you - all of you, including the physical stuff. I just.. I need to go slow. Okay?"
Avery chewed on her lip but nodded, trying to contain the happiness that was surging through her. It felt like her mind and heart and every nerve in her body were all strapped into different rockets shooting off into the universe. But, she tried to contain it all. If only she could bottle that feeling to take a sip every night for the rest of her life. "Of course, yes, that's okay. I just… you owe me so many kisses. At least 200."
"At least?" Bucky laughed and leaned in to kiss her forehead.
Avery giggled. "Two kisses a day missed over the last few months, plus interest." Bucky laughed again and proceeded to pepper her face and head with at least a dozen more presses of his lips.
"You also owe us breakfast today," Steve jumped in, crowding in and wrapping them both into a hug under his arms. "Because last time I tried to make the french toast, it did not go well."
Bucky smirked. "Okay, I'm on it."
"It did remind us that the smoke detectors work in the house, though," Avery said as she nodded along. "I propose breakfast then a Lord of the Rings marathon on the couch. What do you say, Buck? With all three of us home, we can finally vote on movie choices again and majority rules. Sorry Stevie."
Steve groaned. "Fine. But only the regular editions. If I have to sit through the extended cuts again, I'm hiding the DVDs."
Avery was falling asleep on the couch by the time they got halfway through The Return of the King. She was perfectly content to do so though - considering it was the first time in over three months that she got to curl up into Bucky's lap. The incoming sleep was inevitable after an emotionally taxing few days, too. They had paused between each movie to eat and stretch and start to take down the Christmas decor but the tired yawns had taken over.
"Ave," Bucky soothed quietly, brushing his hand over her forehead as she relaxed further against him. "Wouldn't you rather sleep in bed?"
Some inaudible reply stuttered out of her lips as she adjusted once more, stretching her legs out across Steve's lap on the other side of their oversized couch. Steve, who was relaxing across the chaise extension, aimlessly ran his fingers along the side of Avery's calves, moving his gaze from the screen across the room towards the other two.
"Hey," Bucky continued softly, resting his hand on Avery's cheek. "Did you mean what you said earlier?"
"Mmmhmm," Avery replied. "Yes, I would leave both of you for Legolas."
Bucky laughed, catching Steve's eye roll across the couch. "Not that." He took a deep breath, watching as her chest moved up and down slowly. "You wanna marry me an' Stevie? Have kids with us?"
Kids and the future wasn't something they had discussed very thoroughly this far in their relationship. There were vague references to the purpose of the extra bedrooms and what their life might look like in the next ten years, but no decisions were ever made or serious discussions had. It was foolish to think it wasn't something that crossed all of their minds though.
"Mmm hmm." Avery yawned, stretching out one of her hands to reach for Steve. "The way I picture it.. no more than three. Can't be outnumbered. Little Georgie, Sarah and maybe Frances after my gramma.."
Bucky's chest tightened as she spoke so casually about the hypothetical names of their future children. Avery, the girl who struggled with choosing a restaurant for dinner or overanalyzed every word in an email from her professors, the girl who second guessed if she was kind enough to a barista or had been giving equal amoutns of affection to their pets. That Avery was speaking about their future together like it was a certainty.
That certainty was so overwhelmingly beautiful that Bucky had to pause and close his eyes, bringing his free hand to rest over his heart. It felt like a warm glow was about to burst free.
"I'm relieved to know you aren't dreaming up some wild Middle Earth names." Steve squeezed her hand, leaning back on the couch and watching Bucky. His carefree reaction only solidified Bucky's feelings, too. This was his future. Sure, the last few months had been rough and they weren't out of the woods yet, but moving forward they were going to face this future together. He knew now how special that was, how special everything was.
One of Avery's eyes peeked open and she tipped her head slightly to look at Steve. "Gimli is a cute name."
Steve let out a dramatic gasp and adjusted on the couch, moving to lean over Avery and squeeze one side of her waist. "No child of mine will be named Gimli."
After a few more minutes of playful wrestling between Steve and Avery on the couch, the movie having been forgotten in the background, they made their way upstairs to bed. Bucky paused on the second floor, casting his eyes upstairs towards their bedroom. He looked between Avery and Steve, who were halfway up the next staircase.
Steve nodded. When Avery opened her mouth, Bucky braced himself for an argument. They weren't out of the woods yet.
"It's okay, Buck. I understand." She leaned over the railing and met Bucky for a kiss. "Whenever you're ready."
After dinner Sunday evening, Steve, Bucky and Avery found themselves upstairs in the bedroom.
Avery was sitting cross legged on the bed with one of her textbooks open ahead of her. Bucky was plunked down in the leather armchair that sat in the corner, reading through a stack of papers. Steve was rummaging through the closet, putting together his first day as a sessional professor at NYU look.
"Strategy, Politics and Wartime Perspectives of WW2?" Bucky called out to try and get Steve's attention. "What makes you qualified to teach this?"
When Steve didn't reply, Bucky continued. "Are they aware they hired Steve Rogers - the soldier who continuously ignored government rules? You're the best expert for a class about World War 2?"
"Well, I did fight in it!" Steve called back, not even trying to hide the annoyance in his voice.
"I know, punk. I was by your side. Which is why they should have used me as a reference to all the ways Captain America disobeyed direct orders and -
"What do we think?" Steve cut off his boyfriends ranting as he exited the closet, displaying his choice outfit for feedback from Avery and Bucky.
Avery, who had mostly been ignoring their banter, quickly shut her textbook and stared at Steve. She chewed on her lip for a second then shook her head. He was dressed in a pair of dark jeans, perfectly fit to his thighs. Over top the tucked in grey button up was a black sport coat.
Steve narrowed his eyes at Avery, nervously scratching at his trimmed beard. "What? They said jeans were allowed."
"Steve, you cannot teach looking like this. Your students are going to be way too distracted." Avery let out a dramatic sigh. "Especially if you turn around to point at the smart screen. Because your ass in those jeans.."
"She's right. Too handsome, especially with your longer hair and beard. You've gotta find something much less..." Bucky's smile grew wide and childish as he watched Steve turn red. "Avery - imagine he's in the middle of a lesson and he rolls up his sleeves?"
Avery let out a very dramatic groan, moving to sit up on her knees. "Stop, I'm going to combust. Steve, maybe you should just wear that old shirt you paint in."
"I dunno, doll," Bucky leaned forward in the chair, leaning his elbows on his knees. "It's pretty tight fitting.."
Steve crossed his arms and glanced between them both as they carried on. "Are you two done?"
Avery chewed on her lip and nodded. "Sure. Sorry Professor Rogers."
"I give up."
"Steve! Wait." Avery hopped off the bed and stopped him before he grumbled his way back into the closet. She slowly ran her hands down the front of the suit jacket and brushed off the shoulders. "You look absolutely perfect and you shouldn't be so nervous. They wouldn't have asked you to do this if they didn't trust you know what you're doing."
Bucky stood up too, grabbing the paperwork once more. "Avery is right. You've always been a history buff, I swear you used to talk me to sleep with your strategies and how many things you thought were poorly executed during the First World War." He walked over and slapped a hand against Steve's shoulder. "And if you need a guest speaker to discuss undercover mission planning, I can clear my schedule."
Steve raised an eyebrow. "You really want to come be a guest speaker to an overcapacity classroom full of eager college students full of long, curious questions?"
Bucky pursed his lips. "You know what, I revoke my offer."
Avery sighed. "Thank god. The two of you in a room full of eager, curious students sounds like a recipe for disaster. No one would be able to focus."
As Avery followed Steve to the office, talking about footwear choices, Bucky headed downstairs with an excited Rocky to let him into the backyard. He waited outside on the back patio, taking in a few long breaths of the cold air. He supposed the tingling of nerves coursing through him were normal - tomorrow was his first day back to work.
Work. If that's what he could call it.
What remained of The Avengers had shifted significantly over the last year. When Steve retired, Sharon shifted to running the initiative in partnership with the CIA. They reported to Everett Ross directly now, taking contract work for specialty jobs globally. Typically Bucky and Sam worked together but since Bucky had been missing from work for the last few months, he wasn't sure what his new schedule was going to look like.
He knew tomorrow was just going to be a long lecture from Sharon and paperwork. Promises about not disappearing again and the importance of reporting. God, he just hoped Ross wasn't going to be involved.
Sam had very briefly mentioned the idea of mandated therapy. It made Bucky want to throw up. He had done that before - when the government first agreed to his pardon after the battle with Thanos. He did an eight week intensive with a very tired, very complacent psychologist. Bucky did his time and came out successful on the other side.
It gave him a reason to pause and think, though. At the time, his focus had been on giving back. Finding an answer. Apologizing. Giving himself grace. But how long did this go on for? Was he obligated to this life for a certain amount of years, to pay his dues and clear his conscience? After his recent visit to Wakanda, he was starting to think that maybe he was made for something more.
Especially when he thought about Avery and Steve and their future together. Although they didn't speak very thoroughly about the whole children discussion outside of rambling about baby names, it gave Bucky a lot of reason to consider the gravity of his day to day work life.
But there was still something else lingering in his heart.
He couldn't quite pinpoint what that was. It felt like an answer was there, floating just out of reach and if he could just be patient and thorough, he could find it. He could grab a hold of it - a new destiny - and thrive. But until his mind settled once more, he would carry on.
A quiet bark and nip at his knee alerted his focus once more. He gazed down to see a slobbery Rocky, clearly ready to head back inside.
"Okay, c'mon, buddy."
After filling up the water bowls for Rocky and Alpine, Bucky headed back upstairs. When he reached the second floor landing, he heard Steve and Avery talking quietly. The low tone should have been a giveaway that their conversation was private but Bucky had a hard time resisting listening in.
"Bruce said if I need to make up hours by the end of the semester, I can add in weekend hours. It's fine."
"Sweetheart, your schedule is already really full. Are you sure?"
"The only thing I could technically drop is my thesis project or this final class but then I'd have to wait an entire full year to take them again. And pay the full course price again. Missing all those lab hours last semester sort of fucked up the plan but.. I can make it work."
"Ave, c'mon. You have a tendency to burn the candle at both ends. It's a slippery slope."
"Stevie." There was a long sigh and a drawn out pause. "I promise I can manage. I'm down to one physical therapy session a week now and -
"Is that what Mickey recommended?"
"Well, he was pretty certain I'll have long term mobility issues with my elbow either way. So moving down to one and otherwise exercising at home will be fine."
It was Steve's turn to sigh. "Okay. If you think this will work for you, I won't try to talk you out of this."
"We both know that's impossible anyway."
"Yeah, I know."
"Listen, the last few months kind of just screwed up my entire timeline. But I'm determined to get through all this and if I get to my peak stress levels, I'll wave a big red flag, okay?"
Bucky felt frozen on the stairs. It was bad enough that he even laid a hand on Avery but knowing the fall out of that night had thrown off her school schedule and academic plans was not helping his guilty feelings. He swallowed hard, finishing his climb and making a point to drop his feet hard enough to make noise. He walked into the office space and was greeted with a warm smile from Avery as she sat at her desk.
"I'm gonna go down to the basement and work out before bed," Bucky announced, catching a curious look from Steve. "I'm fine, just wanna wear myself out a bit."
"Me and Stevie can help wear you out, you know," Avery offered with a head tilt, closing her laptop.
Clearly Bucky's face spoke for him. He didn't miss the slight disappointed shift on Avery's face though she just smiled along. "I think the workout will suffice tonight."
Bucky knew this wasn't going to be an easy transition. On top of the confirmation about Avery's injuries and how they had affected her academics, he hated the fact that he was now fighting off this unrelenting fear of hurting her. Getting back to that normal height of intimacy was going to take time, even though all he wanted was to feel her skin against his.
"If you still can't sleep, you're welcome to my medical candy." A strange peace offering, an understanding. Bucky kissed both Avery and Steve goodnight then made his way down towards the basement.
He dragged himself through a workout, though it didn't seem to make much of a difference to his overworked mind. When he got back to the main floor, he dropped onto the couch, happily accepting Alpine's company as the cat curled up into his lap. With closed eyes, he could hear the faint sounds of Avery and Steve coming from their bedroom - wearing themselves out together.
Fuck.
Part of Bucky wanted to rush upstairs, tear off his clothes and join them. But the other part, the loud voice in his mind told him no. It told him he wasn't ready, that he might hurt them, that he could hurt Avery again.
So, instead he bit his tongue, ignored the tight feeling in his shorts and laid down on the couch, turning on the TV to some cooking show. It served as a distraction from the hollow feeling in his heart and that fleeting something that he couldn't quite grasp.
A/N: like they said, they're not out of the woods yet. but hey, at least the conversations are actually happening, right? this is going to take some time but I'm sure they're going to be able to make it through. I mean, this is really only the beginning - once we get into this investigation and Avery going back to class and Steve having an eager TA and Bucky trying to figure his life out... it's smooth sailing, right?
AGAIN, I am a broken record but THANK YOU all so much for the support and interest in this story. an extra special thank you to each and everyone of you who have favourited and followed this new story. and thank you to those of you who reviewed: SomebodyWhoCares, Katie MacAlpine, Athena-Spencer, AllTheSaintsAreMadeofGold, Winchestergurl4life, and EirlysLavallen. I've gotta say, every time I get a review notification I get SO overjoyed and you all help with that and I so appreciate it!
[Also, ya'll, how incredible was the wrap up of FATWS? Thank youuu so much to Marvel/Disney for giving us such a wonderful look into Bucky and Sam. Can't wait for Cap 4!]
Coming up next: back to ~real life for these three. Hello, Professor Rogers. Avery finds a new hobby. Bucky gets back to work.