I had a lot of fun with this chapter. Here, have 10k words of tooth rotting fluff. And some smut too ig :/
ready for rapid pov changes?
He's weird. Cute, but so weird. Can you believe he's set up rules for us? Stuff like "no kissing in front of anyone we know" as though I'm gonna look Commander Erwin dead in the eye and then shove my tongue down his favorite soldier's throat.
Still, if the rules mean we can keep doing this, then I guess it's worth it. For now, we've just decided to ride this out, whatever this is, keep it casual until my six months are up and I go back to Utopia. I hate saying it, but I don't really miss Utopia all that much. And it's not all because of Levi, I just like Trost. And yeah, sure, getting to be with him is a nice bonus.
It's a bit strange, to be with him as a...girlfriend, part time lover, whatever, instead of just some cadet he's training. I never know what I'm allowed to say, although I usually end up saying it anyways.
Anyway, back to my point, he's so weird. Does the strangest things, I swear to Maria. Last week he came to my place and I thought we'd do something fun, but he ended up making me clean instead. Clean my own room! And the tiny space took us two hours to finish with his stupid rigorous cleaning routine. Then Captain Germaphobe had the nerve to be confused when I didn't want to jump into bed with him after.
He never stays the entire night. Criticizes me when my uniform is wrinkled. Turns his nose up at people who kiss in public like we didn't do that once too (but he blames that on me). Glares at people who walk on the wrong side of the road. And he pretends like he doesn't like sweets but I swear he does, you just need to watch how his eyes light up when he bites into a donut. Why would he be eating a donut if he didn't like them, anyways? Lying asshole. Sometimes I wonder why I even like him.
But other times, he looks away to laugh at something I said, and when he looks back there's still a spark in his eyes that he thinks I don't notice, and I remember exactly why.
Every time I look away from her for two seconds, she's doing something stupid. Either she's trying to balance a plate on her pinky finger, or twirling a loose piece of thread on her wrist for some godforsaken reason. Or maybe she'll start talking to someone, which doesn't make sense to me. I look back and she's got someone wrapped around her finger like it's nothing.
You know, I really thought I could kid myself and act like now that I've seen her bare, I could move on. Even if it would be an asshole move, it would be the better option. But no, now I'm apparently supposed to relax and "see where this goes." What the fuck does that mean, anyways? I know where this is going. This is going to end with me sulking in my office before Hange drags me out and asks if I want to accompany her to where her latest titan babies are, and then I'll tell her I would literally rather stab myself in the chest and then she'll insult how my hair looks and run away and I'll just throw a pencil at her or something. I've gotten off track. What was I supposed to be thinking about?
Oh, right. The inevitable loneliness. It's alright, I suppose. I've become accustomed to loneliness.
It's supposed to hurt to think about, but surprisingly it's easy not to think about at all. Because despite how irritating she is, or how unorganized the clothes in her trunk are (not anymore), or how she insists that arriving fashionably late to an outing is a lifestyle, I enjoy spending time with her so much that these things are more endearing than anything else. Every time she looks at me, it's like everything else doesn't matter.
She's stupid. She's stubborn. Her handwriting is atrocious, and she says whatever comes to mind without so much as a second thought. And also, I really, really fucking like her.
You two are supposed to be on patrol. Well, you are. With a temporary freeze on Scout activity, there's less physical work for him to do, replaced by more paperwork that he probably does during the late hours of midnight on the days when he's not out with you. So he's mostly free, and you don't mind multitasking, which in this case means both patrolling and sitting in a tea shop with Levi.
It's not a date. He hasn't called it a date, so you're not going to call it a date either. You're both in uniform - from a distance, you appear to just be two soldiers on a break enjoying a nice, hot beverage together.
That is, he's enjoying a nice, hot beverage. Your disdain for tea hasn't gone away, and the waitress who'd served you had informed you regretfully that they weren't supposed to just serve milk on its own. You chose to be merciful and ignore the triumphant look that Levi was sporting. All you order is a plate of strawberries, which are admittedly rather sweet and you can barely restrain yourself from wolfing down as many as you can at once.
Tea and strawberries, all in all, make for a pretty cozy not-date.
Levi looks funny, drinking his lavender tea so seriously (and still holding the cup like a weirdo), but he seems like he's right in his element. There's the faintest hint of a pining ache in his expression, like the shop you're at is some sort of unreachable fantasy he can never have. You ponder briefly on how many dreams he must have given up on.
Matching his seriousness, you bite into another juicy strawberry, leaning back with one leg crossed over the other. You can be stone-faced too, just watch. Unfortunately, a bit of the juice dribbles down your chin. You almost catch it when he beats you to the punch, leaning forward to brush it away with his thumb. The gesture is almost sweet.
Or it would have been had he not pulled out a handkerchief immediately afterwards and wiped his hand, muttering something about filthiness.
After that, you take extra care to consume your strawberries in small bites.
They could talk for hours and there would still be more to add to the conversation. He's not bored for even a second as they walk around the city on their day off, chatting about this and that. The topics range from a heated debate about whether cats or dogs make for better pets to their shared distaste for the white parts of lettuce to her telling him about the time a boy had tugged her hair at her seventh birthday party so in retribution she'd mixed half a container of salt into his drink.
She's in the middle of describing the boy's disgusted reaction when they stop, coming upon a wedding reception. The bride and groom are waving and greeting people from where they're standing on the makeshift stage, and other couples as well as a few children have started dancing on the streets, blocking the path. Levi sighs impatiently, but when he takes a glance at (F/N), she's excitedly bouncing on the soles of her shoes with an animated expression.
"I thought you were averse to marriage?" he comments offhandedly, trying to quell the guilt rising up inside him knowing that they could never be like the happy couple up on the stage.
She rolls her eyes playfully. "Yeah, to my own. What do I care about others getting married? Besides, I love weddings."
Yeah, she's the type.
So they watch for a bit, not that there's room to push past. The newlyweds are obviously very popular, judging from the sheer amount of guests they've invited. There's practically an entire crowd having fun, whether eating or offering their congratulations or dancing along to the joyous music the violinist is providing.
Her eyes are on the celebration. His eyes, discreetly, are on her.
Mostly, down to where her hands are at her sides. Strictly speaking, they're out together, romantically, so maybe he should be holding her hand? The idea isn't terrible - they haven't really kissed or hugged in private or in public, and he's not a fan of doing something so intimate in front of so many people anyways, but holding her hand is such a small gesture that he doesn't really mind the idea that much. Besides, her hand would look pretty in his. The thought makes him blush, but luckily, she doesn't notice.
It's just hand-holding. He can do it. It's not that hard. Just reach out and take it, two simple steps. He knows from previous times he's touched her that her skin is usually cool and clammy, a nice contrast to the overbearing heat he always seems to be radiating. Just one motion and he can feel that coolness against his palm, intertwine their fingers and -
Right as he musters up the courage, a young boy skips up to her and asks her if she'd like to dance with him.
"I'd love to!" she gushes, and the boy tugs her forward and pulls her into their little circle, leaving Levi with his hand outstretched slightly like an idiot.
He quickly retracts it.
Skipping, prancing, and encouraging the children around her, (F/N) looks like she's having the time of her life. The glow of the sun reflects on her skin, bathing her in a holy luminesce. He can't even bring himself to be too grumpy about some random fucking kid holding her hand instead of him. That still doesn't stop him from glaring daggers at the boy.
Oh well. There's always next time.
"Captain Levi, sir! Captain Levi!"
You're leaning against the wall, laughing at a dry comment that he'd made about the lecherous merchant who'd tried to sell you a necklace an hour ago, when a woman runs up to him all of a sudden. She looks to be in her sixties, and she looks absolutely morose. Behind her, a man follows behind, yelling for her to stop.
"Lysa, don't!"
You're about to assume normal protocol when it comes to a citizen needing help, but the woman has no care to talk to you or answer your questions about what's wrong and what you can do to help. Her attention is focused solely on Levi, as she takes his hand and holds it between her own in a pleading motion.
"Please, Captain," she begs, "they said you were the last one with her. Months ago, my Elise -"
Oh.
Oh God.
This is a grieving mother of a child who'd enlisted in the Survey Corp and hadn't made it. It's a tragic sight, one that catches the attention of everyone nearby. Who knows how long this woman had been hoping to find Levi so that she could hear about what her daughter had to say in her final moments. And then, once she accepted the finality of it, she could probably grieve.
You feel terrible thinking about it so scientifically, but you cannot even begin to fathom what she must be going through, so it's difficult to empathize properly. All you can do is stand back and watch Levi.
"I'm so sorry, Captain Levi," the woman's husband blubbers, taking his wife's arms. "We don't want to bother you -"
"She was brave," Levi says softly, head ducking down whether in respect or shame you can't tell. "Elise. You gave her your ring, right? Survey Corp members aren't supposed to wear any jewelry on expeditions, but she wore it anyway. She wanted to have you with her at all times."
A loud sob escapes Lysa at his words. Fresh tears pour down her face and she covers her mouth as though she doesn't really want to believe anything he's saying, like a small part of her had been hoping that he would tell her that her precious child was still alive.
Levi continues on, unwavering in his resolve. "She told me about how you've always supported her. About how she wanted to help people the way she always saw you do. And she did. She helped us get as far as we did. And we are going to get further. I swear to you that we will -"
This is too much for Lysa, and she drops to her knees, heavy sobs wracking her body. The man by her side, shedding silent tears of his own, falls as well, gathering her in his arms. They hold onto each other tightly, mourning their loss together.
You'd never met Elise, but you think to yourself that you probably would have gotten along with her.
Right in front of you, Levi kneels down, head still ducked down in what you now understand is remorse. He stays there as they cry for their lost daughter, because he knows that he is their last link, the last connection to her soul that they have left. And Elise is one of who knows how many. Does he remember all of them? All of their stories? How could he possibly recall each and every single dead soldier he'd encountered and not go insane from the grief?
That day, your respect and admiration for him grows tenfold.
He's never been much of a fashionista. Of course, he'll dress up for the appropriate events and no one will ever catch him looking dirty or unkempt. And for these little dates they go on, he always tries his best to always look presentable, to wear something just a bit fancy if they're meeting out of uniform. The annoying thing is she doesn't always do the same.
The really annoying thing is that she doesn't need to.
Levi knows his own faults. He recognizes that he's much shorter than most men and that his eyes are a weird fucking color and that most of the time he's scowling without any real reason to. In the Survey Corp, there's no time nor reason to feel insecure about these things. He doesn't feel terrible about himself - if she's interested in him, she must be able to overlook these things, and that's enough for him.
But still, there's something maddening about how so effortlessly flawless she appears all the time. Hairs that fall out of place look like they belong there. Clothes that are too big look downright adorable, and clothes that are too tight...well.
And then there's the way she looks in her uniform. Prim. Proper. Poised. Pretty locks done up in a tight bun. A perfect, model soldier. All without losing any of that innate glamour.
It's what he's thinking about as he knocks on her door quietly, raising a brow when she opens it just a crack and peers out at him abashedly. "Sorry, not ready yet, just give me a minute."
"It's fine. Take your time."
"Thanks. I'll…" Then she pauses, dragging her eyes down his form with an appreciative grin.
He frowns. "What?"
"Nothing. You just look very handsome today." And before Levi can even splutter any protests, she's closed the door and resumed getting ready for their outing.
What a strange girl.
An extremely pretty girl though, he thinks, when she opens the door a minute later and steps out in a lacey purple dress to take his arm.
They look good together, he can admit that much.
It has been literal ages since you've seen Nifa. The redhead hasn't changed at all, still as excitable and talkative as she'd been during your days as cadets. The two of you catch up at lunch in the Mess Hall over bowls of bland tomato soup, sharing stories from your respective regiments. She'd been assigned to Hange Squad a few months after she'd joined the Scouts, owing to two members being killed in the single expedition that they had gone on before the operation to man the walls had begun.
She says it's an honor. You remember how you'd cleaned Major Hange's lab once, and choose to keep your opinion on the matter to yourself.
"(L/N)!" A somber voice interrupts your conversation and you look to the right to see a man you know is on Levi Squad. His name is Eld, and you remember this only because Millie had caught sight of him one time and blushed so red that you'd teased her for a week.
You stand to attention, but all he does is jerk his thumb towards the door. "Captain Levi wants you to come to his office immediately."
"Me?" You place a hand on your chest, batting your lashes in flattery to mask your confusion. "Did he say why?"
"Not a word, sorry."
You shrug, bidding a morose goodbye to Nifa and a much less sorrowful one to the cold soup before you sprint off to Levi's office. All the while, you try to think what you've done to warrant any disciplinary action. As far as you can recall, you haven't done anything wrong, unless seeing your superior in your off time was against the rules, and in that case, he was equally as guilty. With that comforting thought in mind, you bring your knuckles up to rap against his door. After a few seconds, he tells you to come in.
In the past, you usually skipped in merrily, but you're not sure whether or not you're in trouble, so you walk in calmly and close the door behind you. Levi stands by his desk, shoulders hunched tensely. You're not sure what's going on or what you should be thinking.
He clicks his tongue, vexed, and then holds out a small box for you to take. "Here." When you take it slowly, apprehensively, like you're being handed a grenade, he rolls his eyes. "It's not a trap, just open it."
So you look down and do as he says, gasping when you see what's inside.
A shining, glimmering pair of emerald earrings stare back at you, small gems encircled with a delicate silver lining. You've never seen such plain and yet such beautiful earrings in your life, and without even trying them on you know that these are now your new favorite pieces of jewelry. Not just because they're so pretty, but because they're from Levi, and the green matches the cape that he adorns on every mission he goes on. When you wear them, it'll almost be like he's with you.
Gift giving is typically reserved for special occasions. You look up at him with an unspoken question in your eyes, and he only shrugs, muttering, "When you court people, you're supposed to buy them things, right? Just accept it."
He's so sweet.
Charming in his own gruff kind of way.
You wish you could stop yourself from falling so hard for him.
"Thank you." You smile so brightly that it hurts, unable to stop yourself. "I'm going to put them on."
"You can't wear them right now." He makes to snatch the box, but on instinct you hold it to your chest, stepping back. "Everyone will know I gave them to you, and then I'll have to buy jewelry for everyone."
Smirking at him, your eyes widen in mock surprise. "What, you haven't already? Could you possibly be playing favorites, Captain?"
Levi only glares, so you pocket the box and turn to leave his office, already thinking of ways to pay him back later. Before you leave, though, a bit of inspiration strikes, and you quickly run up to press a kiss to his cheek, leaving him standing there with his gaze averted and his cheeks bright red.
As she stares him down, (F/N)'s face is scrunched up in concentration. Her eyes are focused solely on his face as she scans his blank expression. Then, with all the confidence in the world, she leans back and makes her demand.
"Give me your three."
"I would if I had one," Levi says dryly, "pick up a card."
"Fuck this," she decides, tossing the cards in her hand down with a pout. They're sitting on her bed, with her lazily sprawled on her stomach and him leaning against the headboard with his legs outstretched in front of him. God knows when they reached this level of intimacy, but he in no way minds it. On the contrary; seeing her so comfortable and relaxed puts him at ease too. Between them, there are ten pairs of cards on his side, and three pairs on hers. She's not good at this game at all.
"Want more tea?"
"No," Levi answers honestly, leaning back, "It tasted shitty like usual."
She shoots him an annoyed look. "Then why do you keep drinking it?"
He doesn't feel the need to dignify her with an answer. She only huffs, pettily messing up the cards on his side before grabbing the empty cup on the small table next to him. With a slightly tired groan, she stands and walks to the sink to wash it. Levi watches her, a little struck by how disgustingly domestic the scene is. Although he supposes friends could play cards and drink tea together too. There's no name he can assign to what they're doing. That, surprisingly, is part of the appeal. Whatever they have is all their own.
It takes her calling his name twice for him to snap back to attention, facing her way with raised brows. "Hm?"
"I said, how'd you even get so good at these? Play a lot of card games in the Underground?"
"What else do you think there was to do down there?"
"Oh, I don't know." She wipes her hands with the towel. "Fighting the spider people?"
"The what?"
(F/N) laughs, taking a seat at the edge of the bed. "My mom used to freak me out with all these made-up stories about what was down there. One of those stories included an army of people with eight legs who would trap you in their web and eat you. Took me till I was fifteen to realize that was utter bullshit."
Maybe there weren't "spider people" in the Underground, but there were definitely thugs who would love to trap innocents in their web and kill them. Her mother, terrible as she sounds, wasn't too far off. It's a bit weird to consider that people treated the place he grew up in as nothing more than a scary bedtime story.
She takes his silence in stride, until her curiosity gets the better of her and she scoots closer, sitting with her legs crossed. "So what was it really like? The Underground. I want to know."
Levi looks at her appraisingly. "Why?"
"Can't a girl crave some knowledge?"
"Not this girl."
Grinning at that, she tucks her hair behind her ear. "Fine. I want to know more about you. Is that so wrong?"
Is it? He's not sure. Not like his childhood is filled with happy memories and shiny moments. Besides, her perception of him may change knowing his background. (F/N) isn't pretentious (at least not past the surface), but even he might think of someone differently if he knew they used to be a highly desired criminal. Maybe he shouldn't...
One look at her and he knows that won't be an option. Levi's far past the point of refusing her.
"What do you want to know?" he questions hesitantly.
Her eyes light up. "Everything."
Dammit. "It's not a happy story," he warns, but she brings her knees to her chest, lashes blinking in curiosity and enthusiasm.
"I'm not looking for a happy story."
Holy fuck, (F/N) (L/N) really should be locked up. The control she has over him is minacious.
"Okay." This kind of situation hasn't really come up, so he doesn't really know where to begin his life story. After contemplating for a few seconds, he decides to go with the blunt approach - it's probably the one she'll respond the best to. "I was a bastard child."
She takes a few seconds to process the information, and then she nods, no major shift in her expression to suggest that she suddenly views him any differently. "Cool."
That puts Levi at ease, just a little.
"My mother raised me by herself. My father probably doesn't even know I exist. Mom was…" He exhales, trying not to let long faded ghosts from the past take the reins on his emotions right now. "She was amazing, if I can trust my memory from back then. The Underground's not a fan of people like her, so she didn't make it very long. I'm pretty sure I was about five or six when she passed. Maybe seven." Never mind that he can barely remember what she looked like now.
A completely bizarre idea enters his head - what would his mother have thought of the woman sitting besides him now? Knowing her, (F/N) would have charmed her way into both their hearts at the same time - but the image of the three of them even sharing a meal together hurts so bad that he refuses to give it any more thought at all.
"Then I met this man. He was my...I don't really know who he was, I just know him and my mom used to be friends. His name was Kenny, he found me and stayed with me for a bit. Taught me how to survive. Use a knife, scrounge food, that kind of stuff. Beat the shit out of me a couple times when he thought I needed it. Then he left when I was around ten or eleven."
"What d'you mean, left?"
"Just up and vanished one day." And then proceeded to match the exact same description of the notorious serial killer Kenny the Ripper, but that part he leaves out. No need to freak her out too much.
"What a shitty thing to do." There's a poison like he's never seen before in her eyes, and he's about to ask her about why this in particular bothers her when she shakes her head and motions for him to continue. "So how did you manage to make it on your own?"
"Mostly by stealing." While (F/N) is obviously interested in what he's saying, he notices that she makes no move to get particularly close. There's a chance that she's bothered by what he's telling her, but it would be foolish to stop now. It's not like him to half-ass things. "I did jobs with some other people, and eventually I partnered up with one of them. He used to lead this local gang, but most of them were arrested. I'm still not sure how he managed to escape. The two of us managed to get our hands on some ODM gear. That made jobs a lot easier. His name was Farlan."
She takes note of the use of past tense. Her brows tense and she sighs, the all-too familiar look of pity enters her eyes. Fuck, this is exactly what he didn't want.
"After a while, we took in a girl named Isabel. She'd been running from these pieces of shit - not important." Levi knows that cutting off the more violent parts of the stories is futile. (F/N) isn't stupid by any means, she's going to fill in the blanks, and her imagination might even create scenarios more gruesome than reality. Still, it's impossible to look someone in the eyes, especially someone who sees you as a soldier who fights for humanity, and tell them that you once sliced open a man's hand open in one fell swoop. "She joined our group, and the three of us...we…" We were family. "We lived together." Close enough.
He wants to say more. Wants to say that they had been the most important people in the world to him and he would have done anything for them, but that requires an openness that he can't bring himself to show. And it's not like he needs more pity. Not from her.
Now comes the hard part of the story. It's easier to get through this thinking of it as just that - a story that he's telling her, and not real things that actually happened to him. Farlan and Isabel are just characters. In a different world, they're alive and happy together. Yes, that's the way to go about this.
"When I was twenty-six, Erwin recruited us into the Survey Corp." At this, her mouth falls open a little, and he knows exactly why. It's recent, even if it's been almost three years now. They had met that same year. The reality of it must be weighing on her.
"And you accepted? Just like that?"
Levi frowns and looks away. The methods that his commander had used were unconventional, to put it nicely. However, these are Erwin's secrets as much as they are his, and he doesn't want to imply that he'd basically been coerced into joining the Survey Corp, as truthful as that might be. "It's a long story. That part I'd rather not say."
When he looks back at her, she only shrugs. "Alright. Whatever suits you."
Levi could kiss her. He refrains.
"No one really liked us when we joined, except for Hange. That dumbass." From her amused expression, he knows that she can tell he's more than fond of the mad scientist. "The idea of working with Underground criminals wasn't very appealing to anyone. After some training we went out on our first major expedition. Isabel and Farlan...didn't make it."
What a gross oversimplification.
It was because of him. Because he'd made the idiotic decision to let them come. Because he couldn't get to them in time. Because the titans didn't allow them the luxury of making mistakes.
There's a strange look in her eyes, a pinch of understanding mixed with shared sorrow. On other people, he'd find that look infuriating. With her, it just makes him anxious. Who knows what she's thinking in that head of hers?
"Levi," she starts. He stiffens at the sound of his own name - not something she uses often - and prepares himself for the worst. "That's...terrible. I'm so sorry."
"Not like you did anything. What are you sorry about?" Pity. Sadness. Condescension. Pathetic.
A small wave of the hand. "I'm sorry that after all that, you still had to deal with an unruly brat who never listened to you." She nudges his arm gently. "That's the next part of the story, isn't it?"
He stares at her disbelievingly. Again she's managed to surprise him, and it's alarming how quickly he recognizes what she's doing. In a few short words, she's made a joke to lighten the mood and shifted the story so that he doesn't have to dwell on the past. Within seconds, she's realized he doesn't want to talk about it in detail, nor does he need her sympathy. Levi has no idea what she's done growing up to be so fucking perceptive, but he's more grateful than he could ever put into words for how well she can read him.
"Yeah. Some idiot couldn't stop smiling and then wanted me to train her personally. Like I wasn't busy enough."
"You could've refused," she hums, "just like you could refuse to drink the tea I make you. But you didn't, and you don't, because you like me a lot, don't you?"
Her tone is teasing, but it's concerning how spot on her words are. Like she doesn't even know the impact she's had on him. How he spent time with her because she'd been the only person who wasn't simpering in admiration or cowering in fear around him. How he'd fallen fast, and fallen hard.
And continued to fall harder.
"You're alright."
"Just alright? Fine, I'll take it. So…" She looks at him expectantly. When he frowns, she urges him to continue the story. "What happened next?"
What comes next is now, obviously. "You've caught up. You've been in my life since then, haven't you?"
There's a brief pause, and then her gaze falls down as she murmurs, "Not the whole time." She fiddles with her fingers, biting her lip. "Did you hate me, when I left?"
Levi considers the question for all of two milliseconds. Then he sits up straight, cups her chin between his fingers and makes her look up, and tells her the truth.
"I've never hated you."
He probably never could.
Gratitude shines on her face, like he's just blessed her with something incredible. Weird girl. "I never really apologized for that. I should have told you. I'm sorry I didn't."
"Why didn't you?"
"I didn't want to disappoint you." Her genuinity causes a pang in his chest. "And...honestly, I was scared that you'd try to convince me to join the Scouts." She swallows, throat bobbing nervously. "And more than anything, I was scared that I would listen."
Fear is a powerful factor. That much he knows. He'd never really been bothered by the decision itself, just that she'd led him to believe something else. But now, listening to her reasons, any trace of bitterness he'd felt towards her vanishes on the spot.
Gently, Levi runs his thumb along her lower lip. What he'd thought would have been just a carefree night of them playing cards had turned into a series of moments that he didn't think he would ever be able to forget no matter how hard he tried. He's - dammit, he's scared, scared of how easily she's wormed her way into his life. This is temporary, so why does she insist on being so difficult and making him even more infatuated with her than he already is?
"I'm glad," he confesses to her, "I'm happy you didn't join the Scouts. I...want you to be safe."
Slowly, her expression shifts from apologetic to something he can't quite place his finger on, but he knows the look she's giving him makes him want to trap her between his arms and let her do whatever she damn well pleases to him. Everything about her is intoxicating, and he wants to get drunk on her.
When she kisses him, there's only a single doubt in Levi's mind that needs to be eased.
Pulling away just to have a full view of her face, he asks, "What do you think? Now that you know everything. What do you think of me?"
(F/N) looks confused, like she doesn't know why he needs her opinion, but she answers nonetheless. "You're the bravest person I've ever met, Levi. I think you're a hero."
Wrong.
He's no hero. Never has been. The only reason she thinks that is because he hasn't actually told her everything. He withheld information, the same thing he'd made her feel guilty for all this time. The same way she'd been afraid to disappoint him, he's afraid that he'll fall from her graces if she learns just what kind of person he is. But…
That's no excuse.
In a rushed breath, he spills it all. Every gritty secret, every dirty truth.
"When a man tried to go for Isabel, I sliced his hand open. I beat the shit out of him afterwards. One time, when some thugs messed with her and she came home angry, I went and killed them. I've killed, even as a kid. I was a criminal for most of my life. I stole, sometimes more than was necessary. Someone hired me to assassinate Erwin, and that's why I joined the Survey Corp. Then my decisions ended up killing my two best friends, and I'm moving forward because I've learned that if I have regrets, I'll never be able to make any of these fucking deaths count. I slice titans open and I enjoy it - I enjoy it because they fucking deserve it. I've never been a fucking hero, (F/N). Ever."
Three seconds pass. He knows because he counts them, even though they feel like an hour each.
"Okay," she says, plainly, "not a hero, then. But if you expect all that to change how much I like you, you'll have to try harder."
And then she kisses him again, and Levi loses all inhibitions, and becomes lost in her.
Within a few moments, she's above him, straddling his hips, hands wrapped around his neck so daintily that he almost forgets she could cut off his air supply if she so pleased. Once she realizes this, she squeezes gently, experimentally, and smiles against his mouth when he releases the breathiest of whines for her.
"Levi." He shudders at the sound of her voice, clamping down on her lower lip with his teeth before she can pull away. She mewls in surprise but still manages to detach herself from his mouth and start pressing kisses to his jaw, slowly but surely working her way to the side of his face. When she reaches it, she kisses the outer shell of his ear and makes him shudder, while her hand reaches down to work on his belt. "Can you lay back for me?"
He listens to her with no argument, awkwardly shifting under her weight until his head is on the pillow. She parts his lips with her thumb, and, taking the cue, he sucks on it without taking his eyes off her. A small, frustrated groan escapes her and she moves around, trying to get some relief without rubbing her legs together. God knows why she's waiting - if she wants, he can part her legs and use his mouth on her until she's crying in relief. The thought shoots straight to his cock - the idea of her crying out for him and rocking into his mouth is unbelievably arousing.
But it doesn't seem like she has any plans to have him pleasure her, much as he wants to. Instead, she slides her cool hands under his shirt, running them up his stomach to his chest. Her gaze is lustful, demanding, needy. Bowing her head, she kisses him again before whispering her query.
"I want to make you feel good. Can I?"
Shockwaves of anticipation shoot down his back and Levi groans, tangling his fingers in her hair and pulling her down to yank her into another kiss. Fuck, she really has no idea, or maybe she does and she's pretending she doesn't. No one can be that oblivious, she must know what she does to him. If she didn't before then she certainly does now, as she presses up against the bulge in his pants and grinds herself on him slowly.
She pulls back, giving him several dozen pecks in pentenance, trying to pull off his pants at the same time. "Is that a yes?"
He helps her tug them off until his bottom half is completely bare. With a tense swallow, he nods.
There's barely any time to feel embarrassed before she's giving him a show, purposely wetting her lips with her tongue as she slides off her nightgown. When he'd first arrived, she'd already been wearing it, claiming that since they were just planning to play cards, there wouldn't be any need to take it off.
As the silky cloth falls from her shoulders and exposes her, he wonders if she really believed that.
Holy Walls, she's absolutely, breathtakingly gorgeous. And he's always known that, sure, but it's different when it's like this. The trust and vulnerability in her eyes, the way she's letting out soft sighs as she looks at him, her willingness to share this sight with him. He's enthralled by every inch of her skin, by her every curve and imperfection. In this position above him, she looks like a fucking goddess.
So it's really not his fault that when she finally touches him, the simple contact has him hissing through his teeth. She jerks him off with slight amusement playing on her face and he wants to ask her just what is so fucking funny about this, but he can't think straight enough to manage it. All he can do is, rather humiliatingly, rock into her hand and groan her name.
From her position between his legs, she kneels down and kisses the tip tenderly. Levi bites down on his tongue hard as she peppers more kisses down his shaft, apparently intent on making him a mess beneath her. There's no relief like this, yet at the same time it's one of the most incredibly arousing things he's ever experienced.
Her highness takes her fucking time, lavishing his member with all her attention. Right as her lips drag over the tip again and he thinks she's finally going to suck him off, she sits up, making him clench his teeth in frustration.
"(F/N) -"
"Patience, Captain." Her voice comes out in a seductive purr. "There's more I want to see." With that, she begins to unbutton his shirt. Levi isn't sure whether or not she's purposely letting her fingertips ghost over his chest, but it's sending electrifying jolts down his stomach.
Rubbing her hips against his every few seconds is something she's definitely doing on purpose.
"Nuh uh." She shakes her head when he places a hand on her waist to return all the sensations she's making him feel. "Hands to yourself."
Levi glares at her. "Who said you could give orders?"
"I don't know." There's a mischievous spark in her eyes. "You seem to like me telling you what to do." To highlight her point, she thrusts her hips hard enough for him to see stars and he grips the sheets under them, gasping. The friction affects her too, clearly, because she takes a few seconds to compose herself before speaking.
"One day I want to know the story behind all of these. But for now…"
She begins running her fingers over the many scars that line his chest and stomach, continuing to thrust every few seconds or so. Some she only gazes at, but others she presses her lips to, and even as he's shaking with want under her, he can't understand why. Unless the light from the lantern is making it too dim for her to see him properly, she should be recoiling. Flinching away. Instead her gaze is one of borderline worship, and he can't help but whine softly as she takes him in her hand again.
He wants to touch her, so badly. But he obediently keeps his hands down as she kisses his hip bone, tracing her thumb along the head of his dick and rubbing him slowly. By the time she reaches down to take one of his balls in her mouth, Levi is a panting mess, and he has to clench his fists up tightly to avoid fisting her hair as he pleads for her.
"(F/N), I swear, if you keep this up -"
The minx pulls back and grins. "What will you do, huh?" She squeezes him gently against her palm before he can reply.
Levi swears out loud - and the response dies on his lips when she takes him in her mouth. The heat of her tongue has his head falling back, digging his nails into his hands desperately. Her mouth is warm and wet and he can't think, can't speak, can't form anything coherent beyond a loose string of words made up of her name and his own cries of, "Fuck - more - please -"
An anguished cry escapes him as she stops right as he reaches the edge. It's too much. No one has ever taken their time with him like this and he despises it - but absolutely fucking loves it at the same time. If only she would just let him finish - with her mouth, her hands, anything, he doesn't care which.
"(F/N)," he tries again in frustration. She hums against his skin, the vibration making him groan deeply, breathing harshly. "Stop - stop teasing."
"Ask nicely."
"Fuck off," he spats.
The sinful glee in her eyes tells him that she'd been hoping for that exact response. Running a thumb across her lips thoughtfully, she slides up until she's above him. With a shaky swallow, his eyes trail down to her glistening entrance. Her hands are placed down on either side of him, soft lips nip at his neck, and then, with an agonizing slowness, she's rubbing herself against him, the quiet gasps that she's releasing the only evidence that this is affecting her at all.
Levi nearly loses his mind. His eyes roll to the back of his head and he thrusts up into her, shamelessly whining when she moves herself out of reach, smiling a charming, breathless smile. "I said, ask nicely." She kisses his ear and murmurs huskily. "You're beautiful like this, Captain. I-I want to give you - oh -" Her eyes shut briefly when the head of his cock brushes against her clit. "Want to give you everything, all of me, but only if you ask -"
"Yes, yes, God, you can, please, please, I need you - fuck!"
She sinks down on top of him, eyes closing and lips parting as she takes him in inch by inch, pausing for only a second to adjust. Completely forgetting about her earlier demand not to touch her, he cups her cheek and greedily kisses her, swallowing her surprised moan. She begins moving back and forth, pulling away only to let out the most beautiful cry. He leans up and catches one of her nipples in his mouth, clamping his teeth down on it before licking over the skin with the flat side of his tongue.
The sounds she lets out are so filthy that he starts desperately moving as well, slamming his hips up to meet her thrusts. Her cries flood his ears and etch into his memory permanently.
"Shit - you feel so -" Her expression is hypnotic, face twisted in all-consuming pleasure. "So good, you feel so good, so fucking - Levi!"
One particularly hard thrust and she comes, riding out her release against him, teeth gnashing together as she becomes lost in the movement. The sight of it and her walls tightening around him is too much - there's only a few seconds for him to choke out a warning between gritted teeth.
"I'm going to -"
(F/N) pulls herself off right as he releases a spurt of cum, moaning her name when she wraps her hand around his cock, milking him for all he's worth. His eyes screw shut, only aware of her collapsing against him to press a tired kiss on his chest. They're both completely spent. He snakes one hand into her hair, first to brush his lips against her forehead in thanks and then to drag her face up to meet his cross, tired look.
"That was insubordination."
Her lips quirk. "You're into it."
Levi releases her. She's not wrong. He clearly is.
I've been thinking about something.
I still don't spend the night. I still never fall asleep touching her. We only have a few weeks left, and if I let myself have that, I'm never going to forget it.
We've seen where this goes. Soon it'll be gone, and so will she.
But this is for the best, right?
"You know, one of the things I don't understand." Ricky plucks a feather out of your jacket. "Is how you rank higher than we do."
"I always have," you shoot back, swatting his hand away. That's expensive material, doesn't he know that? Of course not, fucking outer city peasant probably couldn't even differentiate between viscose and silk. "Or did you forget, number eight?"
"Number seven," he corrects you with a sharp nudge to your side. The two of you engage in a fickle hand fight that ends with him twisting your fingers back until you yield, rubbing your hand and glaring at him.
From your other side, Stephen chuckles softly. "I'm sorry we haven't taken you out to congratulate you on the promotion, (F/N). Everyone's been so busy with all the work on the walls."
And you personally have been spending so much time with Levi. They don't need to know that. No one really needs to know that, actually.
"It wouldn't be the same anyways," Stephen continues. The three of you are leaning against a large windowsill, looking out at the grass that covers the training grounds. Not too long ago you'd pledged your hearts to humanity down there. It doesn't look as green as it used to. "Millie isn't here to yell at us for being too loud."
"Yeah, Millie Billie is too busy with her extravagant parties and fancy murder cases to deal with us plebians here in Rose."
Stephen lets out a huff. "You say that like she doesn't always take the time to send you at least two page long letters every time you write to her."
A wistful grin forms on your face thinking of your estranged best friend. Yes, Millie always writes whole novels when she sends letters - it almost makes you feel bad for sending just two or three sentences back, but the hilarious thought of her affronted face reading them soothes away any guilt. Besides, you never have much to say. You're surprised she does, considering that she's stationed back in Stohess.
You've undoubtedly changed since you first left your hometown, but the one thing that remains the same is that you have absolutely no desire to go back. Stohess is still the scourge of your existence and it's not like you have any keen desire to see your woefully bitter mother either. Even seeing Millie isn't enough of a temptation to go visit. Everything about that place reminds you of things you hate - idleness and cattiness, false niceties and utter bullshit. Nothing happening, day after day, just complete passivity.
And yet, the voice in your head creeps inside, your life now isn't anything exciting either. Sure, you're not getting sold off to the highest bidder or suffering through long society functions. You're a soldier, a proud public servant. But Utopia, quaint as it is, has nothing for you. None of your friends are there, the ones you've made just aren't dear to you the way your old ones are, and there's no sense of duty that you feel is being fulfilled. What's the answer, then? Request a transfer to Trost? Even in the unlikely situation that the military grants you favors based on your preferences, you know the location itself is hardly the problem.
It's what you're doing. What you're working towards. Back in the Training Corp, it had been almost easy, to latch onto a petty revenge plan and then to compete to remain in the top ten. It had given you a sense of purpose, but now, now it's almost like you're back home, waking up and doing what you're supposed to do just because there's nothing else to do. No other options.
A transfer is the answer. Just not a transfer of location.
Unlike in Stohess, you have a choice. It's just that the thought of making that choice fills you with a sharp terror, and you hate being afraid nearly as much as you hate being bored. Images of your father, whose face you can't even picture anymore, screaming as he's bitten into, with no one coming to his aid. Faceless. Nameless, even. Why would anyone willingly choose to do such a thing?
You remember how light your shoulders felt when you received letters from both Ricky and Stephen after their first expedition, confirming that they were safe and sound. Were you to go through the same torture every time they rode out? Just sit still and wait to confirm that the boys you loved as brothers hadn't been brutally killed?
"How many expeditions have you guys been on now?"
"Just the one, a few months before the Trost project began." Ricky says, with a small frown. "Why?"
You meet his eyes, and he looks slightly peeved by your sudden inquisitivity. "I can't imagine it was easy."
"No shit, (F/N), what do you -"
"Is there a reason you're asking?" Stephen asks. His voice is calm, levelled, but there's an edge to it. "It was terrible, (F/N). Nothing goes right out there. Before you can even breathe properly, everything's gone to hell."
Their wariness is understandable. You can't even begin to understand how terrible it had been without experiencing it for yourself. You can see it in their eyes - both Ricky and Stephen have a hardness in their gaze that had never been there before. The same goes for Nifa, Gunther, Rashad, Petra, Ophelia and everyone else in the 101st who'd joined the Survey Corp, a difference you can see even with as little as you've actually seen them. Something, a certain innocence, has been taken from them, one that will never be returned. Which begs the question -
"Why are you staying in the Scouts, then?" you blurt without thinking. Strange, it's been a while since you've let your tongue run. "If the expeditions are so terrible, what's the point of remaining in the Survey Corp? It's not like the results are pretty! We're nowhere close to retaking Wall Maria, even I know that much. So why stay? What do either of you get out of this besides an early death?"
Neither of them say anything right away. Ricky looks taken aback, like he hadn't thought you would be concerned for his wellbeing. On your other side, Stephen's brows are furrowed and the hand he'd placed on top of yours has gone slack.
When he speaks, it's casual, breezy, almost as though you're just discussing a new restaurant that has opened up.
"There was a girl named Lily that was in my group on the expedition. She told me as we were getting on our horses that she wasn't scared at all, and that she'd never let a titan get the best of her. She's alive," he says quickly when he sees your stricken expression, "she's alive, but she screamed so loudly the first time we saw one, I thought my ears would burst. It was even scarier than the titan itself. But we still took it down together, and then she said that she still wasn't scared. I told her that it was fine, that I could be scared enough for the both of us." He shrugs. "I'm going to stay in the Scouts so I can keep being scared on her behalf. Ricky?"
The other man looks calmer now, still tense, but he understands what's being asked. "Damien. Wasn't in my group, but I let him drink from my satchel since he forgot his somehow. The guy nearly started crying since no one who he'd been with had been willing to share. When we got back, me and him went down to the kitchens and downed five glasses of water each. We've decided to make it a tradition."
So that's what it is. Elegantly, simply, they now have people they have to protect. That's how the entire regiment works, isn't it? Everyone looks after the people they care about hoping that their efforts will be enough to keep them from tragedy. Those people look after other people, and then you've got a unit that is ready to put everything on the line and risk it all so that someone else can see tomorrow.
"I'm moving forward because I've learned that if I have regrets, I'll never be able to make any of these fucking deaths count."
Being Humanity's Strongest Soldier must mean he protects everyone, or at least is expected to, not just by the commander and regiment, but by everyone within the walls. Not a hero, but everyone's hope nonetheless. Driven by spite and loyalty, the one with the biggest burden to bear.
If these idiotic people are so busy protecting others, who's supposed to protect them?
For what feels like the first time in your life, you make a quiet, selfless, terrifying decision.
Trost's wall is certainly no one's first choice for a romantic atmosphere. And yet, the two of them sit, legs dangling on the edge of the wall at twilight, gazing out into the city. When he looks at her, she's staring down, enamored by the sight. Wisps of her hair blow in the breeze. Her posture is relaxed. Shoulders drooped. Eyes soft. If Levi had to compare her to anything, he'd say she reminds him of a butterfly in this moment.
"Do you ever think," she breathes, leaning forward just a bit, "that the person you're going to fall in love with is somewhere down there, waiting for you?"
When she meets his eyes, he knows that that's her way of saying that the person he's going to fall in love with isn't her.
Levi agrees.
They're out of place, out of time. Maybe if the world was different, had they just been people amongst other people, they could have afforded the privilege of something as luxurious as falling in love. This had lasted as long as it possibly could have, and next week she'd be leaving. He'd known this moment was coming. Had anticipated it.
There will be plenty of time for heartache later. For now, he wants to memorize her face so that he doesn't forget. (F/N) has given him moments that are going to stay with him forever, however short forever may be. For a brief time, they'd been sweethearts, him and this ridiculous, beautiful, fantastic woman. That's more than what he deserved, and it's more than enough. He'll never be able to thank her enough for this, so he doesn't try.
"No," he confesses truthfully, "I've never thought that."
The satisfied smile that lights up her face makes all the future loneliness worth it. He leans in and presses his lips to hers, letting the rising sun be a witness to their fleeting farewell. Levi tries his best to convey things that he should have said the last time they parted, like how he'll miss her and how she's been the happiest part of his life these past few months. None of that comes out, all he can manage is a hushed goodbye as he twists his fingers in her hair and kisses her this one last time.
For some reason, she doesn't say goodbye back.
Even though you've definitely seen Erwin Smith, up close even, you're still slightly intimidated as you stand across his desk, hands curled up in fists. The famed commander of the Survey Corp doesn't need to stand for you to appreciate his dominating presence. Piercing blue orbs scan you from head to toe as his gaze flickers between you and the document sitting in front of him.
"This is highly unusual. That's the only reason I'm not signing off on it right away. I'd like to know your reasons, if you don't mind me asking."
A part of you does mind him asking. Partly because you're already freaked out enough and his doubt isn't helping at all. "Just a change of heart, sir."
Commander Erwin chuckles humorlessly. "Fickle hearts don't last long out there."
You bristle. Is he actively trying to discourage you? You've already made the decision, and you'll be damned if Shadis' blonde follow-up act is going to make you change your mind.
Before you can say anything, he continues. "I'm inclined to sign this piece of paper. I don't want you to get me wrong, the Survey Corp is in severe need of new recruits. If you want to join, I'm not going to stop you. But I'd still like to know your reasons." He leans back in his chair, studying you closely. Because you're just so fascinating. "If you'll excuse my straightforwardness, I can read most people, but I can't seem to get a handle on you."
"There's nothing to get a handle on, sir. I was inspired seeing the work your soldiers put into this project, and I think my talents would be better suited to your cause."
"You understand that you'll be expected to go on the next expedition in three weeks?"
You nod, hoping he doesn't catch your nervousness. "Yes."
"And you also understand that you won't be placed on Levi Squad?"
You freeze up instantly. Why would he even bring up Levi, unless - unless he knew? But Levi would never have told him, not when he was the one so adamant on no one finding out. Had the commander figured it out on his own, then? There was no way. "I don't know why I would be placed on his squad, sir, I'm no elite soldier. I don't expect special treatment."
Erwin raises one of his thick eyebrows. "Levi didn't tell you, then? He requested you for his squad when you first graduated."
What?
"I assume withholding that information was his retribution for your lie about joining the Survey Corp."
Pushing this new revelation to the back of your mind to dwell on later, you frown. So Commander Erwin did know that much. It could be the entire reason he's being so tough on you now, you'd lied to his favorite little soldier (or whatever Levi is to him). Fine, maybe that's fair. None of his business, but fair. You bite back any protests and press your fist to your chest.
"Like I said, I don't expect special treatment, Commander. Wherever I'm placed is fine."
He takes in your resolve for what feels like a full minute, and then in one fell swoosh, he signs his name across your request for transfer. In a single motion, it's done, your life is suddenly set on a new course, one that no one has been informed about yet. Whether or not you'll regret your decision, only time will tell.
"I sincerely hope you'll be able to dedicate your heart. Welcome to the Survey Corp, Miss (L/N)."
SASAAAAAAGEYO, SASAAAAAGEYO, SHINZOU WO SASAAAAGEYO
reader when levi expects her to join the scouts: garrison 3
reader when levi says he's glad she didn't join the scouts: scouts 3
oh well, we never can let fluff last too long without a reality check. also, bratty sub levi rights. there's just something appealing about dishing out your tragic backstory and then doing it.
i like writing erwin. i really, really like writing erwin. knowing where erwin and reader's relationship is going to go also just makes me really excited.
this monster of a chapter took my all. i hope everyone likes it, because i do!
anyway follow me on tiktok at youcan_tellshesaprincess (warning: i may be too cool and sexy) and on tumblr at astridthevalkyrie ;D if enough people care i can post updates on tiktok!