March

I woke up to an empty bed on Friday morning. The sound of the shower came to my ears and after staring at the alarm clock for a full 30 seconds, I realized I had overslept. I dressed quickly and went downstairs to get some coffee ready so we could both start the day with a kick. I took two banana muffins out of the fridge before I fed Ginger then I poured coffee in two different Contigo travel mugs when I heard that Rose was coming down.

The face I met when she walked in the kitchen was not the happy one I expected to see. My smile faded when I saw the tears in her eyes. I felt my heart sink down my stomach, unaware of what was going on. Somehow, the sweet attention of getting her coffee ready for the day seemed useless and I did not know if I could cheer her up.

"Hey," I said softly with concern. "What's wrong?"

She shrugged discretely, shook her head then burst into tears. I grew worried and took her into an embrace. I hugged her fiercely, even if I wasn't sure of what was happening. Her hands rested on the small of my back and I kissed the top of her head, feeling the tears pooling into my eyes as well.

"It still came out negative," Rose finally managed to say through her fits of sobbing.

Although it came as a relief to understand what the sadness was about, I recognized the horrendous feeling I kept experiencing months after months for almost a year now. I swallowed my tears and exhaled before picking her up in a tight hug. She wrapped her arms around my neck and cried some more into my shoulder before eventually looking at me. Her eyes were puffy and red and it broke my heart even more.

"How about you stay home today?" I suggested, her exhausted face looking back at me.

Her blouse was already wrinkled, and her mascara smudged under her eyes. She shook her head.

"Baby, you're tired," I simply said. "I know for a fact that you're not meeting any clients today."

"I have a shit ton of paperwork to do, though. Besides, it will just change my mind off things."

"Are you sure?"

"I guess," she huffed.

We kissed softly and I pulled away, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. I forced a smile but I knew it was useless. For the past nine months, we were trying to conceive but unsuccessfully. After we both made a few tests to check our fertility, Rose's doctor prescribed clomiphene to help with her until then unknown anovulation. If it proved ineffective after a few months, we would move to fertility injections and then to IVF. Hopefully, we wouldn't have to go as far as this. The money wasn't the issue per say, it was more the deception of every failed attempt that weighed heavy on our hearts.

Sex became almost a task and although I still enjoyed making love to my wife, the obligation of it sometimes took the pleasure out of it. I didn't want the intimacy to die out but every time the test came out negative, it felt like a piece of our sex life was taken away and it wasn't as special as before. Rose was still as beautiful, sexy and desirable as the first time we connected that way but as a part of the equation, I was under the impression that I couldn't satisfy her as much. She assured me I was wrong and that she was the problem into this whole mess.

Maybe we were trying too much. Maybe if we stopped forcing it, it would come to us. Every time we walked together in Downtown DC, it seemed we were seeing babies and pregnant women everywhere around us, taunting us. I became reticent in taking Rose out just because they were all over.

"Hey," I called out once we were in the driveway and she was getting ready to climb into her black BMW.

She turned around to see me and with the sun in her direction, I swear to God she was the most beautiful view. My heart was pounding.

"I love you," I told her, walking toward her.

"I love you, too," she said before getting on her tiptoes to kiss me. "Do you, hum, think we could talk about this tonight when I get back?" she asked, almost uncomfortable.

"Of course," I replied with a small nod.

She nodded back and forced a smile to please me. I forced one as well before kissing her forehead and walking back to my CT5. She left the driveway before me and I when I saw her car turn the corner, I bowed my head and broke down in tears.