Notes: The third part just became 3 out of 4! if you enjoyed it, please leave a comment with your thoughts. I swear they help me a lot to write!
Explosions
The world explodes in water around her.
It should feel good, it should bring some relief, because until then the world was scorching, high flames of the fires all around, consuming the air and leaving them to be burned alive. But the water seems as determined as the fire to prevent her from breathing.
She tries to swim, moving her arms and legs, but the strength of the current is too powerful; she has just broken a dam after all. If she could, she would be laughing hysterically at her brilliant stupid idea.
Lily just exploded a dam over a hundred enemy soldiers — Death Eaters, they call themselves — and their leader, but also over herself and her comrades; the soldiers from her unity that she has begun to call friends.
She hopes her hurried warning for them to seek cover was enough before she took off with the last explosive, carefully and precisely aiming for the dam, but all Lily can do now is hope.
She breaches the surface of the river, filling her lungs desperately with air before another wave sends her deep down again; her will to survive is strong, though, stronger than the water, so she forces her exhausted arms again, and once more she manages to let her head above the water. This time, Lily can hold herself into one debris of the dam; it cuts her arms, but she holds, desperate for anything that can help her stay afloat until she can reach the river bank.
All she wants to do is to close her eyes for a moment, just rest — she knew that fighting battles, being in a war, was no fun, but no training has really made her ready for the confusion and blood and death that war brings... And she is alone now, hoping with all her heart that no one on her side was hurt because of her crazy idea —
And that's when she sees it, a body being pushed to the river bank, the black cloak blazoned with the golden phoenix wavering in the water. She can't see his face, but she would recognize that messy black hair at any time.
She jumps into the water, swimming desperately in his direction, all tiredness forgotten. Not James, please not him.
She cries his name as she gets off the water, but he doesn't answer her. Lily pushes James out of the water, and his face is pale, unmoving, unbreathing, and this is the most horrifying thing she has seen all day. James is too energetic to be this still; she thinks of all their morning runs, how he would break the silence not to upset her, but because it was obvious that he needed to fill the silence with words.
There were a lot of empty spaces around her that James started to fill slowly until she couldn't see anything but him. She hadn't expected to feel any of this when she joined the army, and especially not for someone that was her captain and even less someone that believed she was a man .
But none of this matter, because Capt. James Potter is not breathing and Lily is in panic.
'Wake up, James, wake up', she pleads, but, of course, he doesn't attend to her wish. This is not how this works. 'Think, Lily!'
She forces herself to breathe, but it doesn't help much. Her hands are trembling, not at all because of the coldness of the river when she lays him on the ground and starts the massage on his chest. One, two, three , all the way up to thirty, how James himself taught her to do weeks ago. She had trained on a puppet under his watchful eyes, shivering when his hands touched hers to correct her posture, never thinking she would have to do this on him.
Then she tilts his head back, using one hand to pinch his nose and the other to hold his mouth open; she takes a breath, then places her mouth over his, blowing the air inside his mouth. His chest moves just the slightest.
Please, James, wake up, she thinks urgently, moving again to his chest; she is in the middle of the compression when his body convulses, and then he is coughing water, and Lily has never seen a better sight.
She helps him sit, still dripping water, and she can't help herself; she throws her arms around his neck, pulling him against her, hearing his raspy breathing and feeling his heart against her chest; still weak, but undeniably alive.
'You are fine, you are fine', she repeats in a trance, relief flooding her, and just like the moment she first broke the surface of the water, she feels she can finally breathe again. 'You scared me, James'.
'Sorry', he says, still coughing, and Lily laughs suddenly. Here he is, barely alive after nearly drowning, and being sorry for it.
She breaks apart just enough to stare at him, marvelling at the fact that he survived after all. James takes a few seconds to focus on her face; she sees the exact moment he really recognizes her when his hazel eyes sparkle with something more than life itself. It's the same look he had right two nights before when he almost kissed her.
Lily remembers wanting for that kiss with everything inside her burning for it, for the taste of him, for him. She had been ready to tell him the truth, to trust him with her most important secret, but then James had moved and there was no question about the fact that he wanted her too, that those feelings she had been nurturing for him were not one-sided, and this was not something she had anticipated. He had looked at her so tenderly that for one moment everything else had dimmed in comparison with the way her heart was beating too quickly, with how entranced she was for him.
And then he'd called her Liam.
She couldn't kiss James when he wouldn't be kissing Lily Evans. It was not fair.
It still isn't fair, but she stays quiet, unable to drift away, as he raises his hand to touch her neck, holding her face. She needs to tell him the truth, but it feels complicated and not really important as he stares into her eyes because he is looking at her, isn't it? Does it really matter if he doesn't know she's been lying?
'You saved my life', whispers James, watching her longingly, but he doesn't move, and Lily knows why. He was the one to take the leap of faith two nights ago and he is taking another now, but she needs to take one too to reach him in the middle ground.
Two nights ago Lily hesitated. But now the fear of losing him is still too close on the surface, so it's easy not to worry, it's easy to just dive into her feelings and move her head closer to him in search of his lips —
There is a jump in the water and they break apart, in time for seeing a masked man leaving the river; his cloak is glued around him and, with the mask, they can't see his face, but his intention is clear as he raises a dagger, moving straight in the direction of James, whose captain uniform is evident in the sunlight.
James' hand moves to his sword, but Lily knows it will be too late; he is still weak from almost drowning, and she can't let anything happen to him. I will have your back, she promised him and she won't fail him. Not him.
So as the dagger is thrown, she pushes James from harm's way with all her might. Then her gaze drops, with the most curious detachment, to her limbs, where she can see the handle of the dagger, barely feeling it buried into the side of her body.
The world explodes around her in darkness now.
Lily dreams of memories for so long that at some point she wonders if death means just reviving moments of her life.
The memories feel nice, like watching her life from above. Her and Petunia running freely in the flower fields before they had to flee with their parents, their innocence gone as they saw neighbours and friends dying in the Death Eater attack. The flag with that emerald snake skull waving in the place where she once lived. Her forgery of her father's letter to join the army. The first time she saw Captain James Potter, a devilish grin on his face that she'd hated at first because he didn't seem to take this seriously.
Then glimpses of her training, of the ache she'd feel at first because her body wasn't used to any of that; others felt the same, but Lily admonished herself still, urged her force of will to be enough, trained harder because she needed to prove to everyone that she deserved to be a soldier too.
She had proved herself on the one battle they had fought; she sees how she stood her ground, fighting back those masked enemies until they started throwing explosives around the battlefield, not caring who they would hit, in an attempt to burn alive that Order unity that stood between them and their final destination. It would have been the end, but Lily had taken the last explosive her side had and had aimed for the dam. It was one crack that didn't seem very deep, but she had calculated to hit one of the weakest points of the dam — and then the water had flown freely, drowning the enemies and herself — and James, but that she had miscalculated. He should have been safe...
And then there is James, whose grins became less annoying and more cherished as time passed by; how the despise she had felt at first was replaced by the warmth when he'd compliment her efforts, when he'd touch her shoulder friendly, when he'd correct her mistakes without any condescension, when he'd walk with her on her night patrols, talking to her, listening to her.
She had been annoyed, then surprised, attracted and, finally, in love with her captain.
It takes only a near-death experience for her to realize this, and Lily is almost giggling with the pure absurdity of it all when she opens her eyes, trying to understand her surroundings. The world around her is cold and when she moves, her whole body complains, and a wave of pain welcomes her. She tries to sit, to look at her sides and see the damage that the dagger did, but a hand stops her.
'Don't move', she hears a voice ordering, and she turns her head to find James sitting next to her. He looks awful; his face is as pale as when she found him drowned, his hair messy as if he has not stopped running his hair through it for days, and there are dark spots under his eyes which watch her with an unreadable expression. The glee she had felt upon waking up is vanishing quickly, replaced by a sinking sensation on her stomach that has nothing to do with her injury. 'The doctor said you can't overwork'.
'I am fine', she says stubbornly, forcing herself to sit as much as she can, so she doesn't have to talk to him while laying in that makeshift bed. The blanket covering her body falls, and Lily gasps when the cold hit her, and then all the air leaves her lungs when she sees what she is wearing.
Or not wearing. Her entire torso is covered with bandages, which is as useless to protect her from the cold as it is to disguise the fact that she is not a man at all.
'Here', James says brusquely, not looking at her, throwing her his captain cloak. Lily puts it around her shoulders, but thick as it is, it does nothing to stop her from trembling; she doubts she will ever feel warm again.
'James', she calls him, her voice soft and unstable. He shivers upon hearing her call, but he still refuses to look in her direction; his face is rigid, as cold as the air in the tent. 'I — I can explain'.
He lets out a humourless laugh that is nothing like the chuckles they shared talking about their families or about the pranks that James played on his friends.
'Oh, I am sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation, Evans'. He turns to her, his eyes narrowed, full of mistrust. 'Is it even Evans?'
'Y-yes'. She swallows. 'Lily Evans'.
'Lily', he repeats dryly, and she thinks this is all wrong. That's not how James should be saying her name for the first time. 'That explains why you never answered when someone called you Liam'.
'Liam is my father', whispers Lily. 'He —'
'Does he even know what you did?'
'No, I… I couldn't tell him'.
'So he is just another person you've deceived?'
'Not deceived, this is not —'
'Well, I have to give it to you. This was the most magnificent prank ever. Made a lot of people look like the biggest fools'.
Lily feels more unable to reach the surface now than when she was under the river, fighting her way up, and yet she can't stop moving. If she gives up, then she will be lost.
'This was not a prank , I didn't want to deceive anyone, I didn't want to deceive you —'
'You could have fooled me', he said coldly. 'Well, you did, perfectly, in fact'.
'No, James, hear me', she rises, and darkness threatens to overwhelm her immediately as pain flares inside her; it dims in comparison with how terrified she is right now, so she takes a step towards him anyway. Her legs are trembling, and she swings, but before she can fall, his arms are around her, holding her, and James is so close she could lose herself in his eyes if they weren't so hollow.
For a moment she swears that time has stopped, the whole universe resumed to them, locked at that moment, standing in that tent, staring at each other; James' eyes are moving over face and she knows he is taking all the details that he hadn't noticed before.
Then he looks back at her, his hazel eyes boring into hers with an urgent need.
'Why, Evans?', he asks, in a carried whisper, a desperate man asking for rescue when he is drowning helplessly.
'There was no other choice', she mumbles, and she knows this is the wrong answer by the way he takes a step back, his hands releasing her, looking so disappointed. 'My father was summoned, but he was old and this was my fight too. I asked the local officer, and he laughed at me, said a girl could never serve in the army, and that was just so unfair, James, I am capable, any woman is as capable as any man, and yet you tell us to stay behind and just wait as if the war doesn't affect us also —'
'No', he cuts her, shaking his head. 'We've talked about this'.
Lily just blinks, unable to answer. James is right; during their many discussions in their morning runs, she once pointed out to him all the unfairness of women not being allowed to fight too for what they believe it's right, and though James had seemed surprised as if that thought had never occurred to him before, he had agreed with her.
That was one of the few days she had gotten very close to spilling him her secret.
'Why?', he repeats. 'Why didn't you tell me?'
'I couldn't'.
This is not exactly true and Lily knows it. There were plenty of moments in which she could have asked him for a private moment and revealed herself, asked his permission to stay, noting that she had shown herself to be as able as anyone else there, even better than some. But as time passed by, it just felt more awkward to reveal what she had been doing, as if she had lost her timing to be honest about it, as if the longer it took, the more… the more she knew James would be upset.
She hadn't told him at first because he would not understand, and she hadn't told him later because he would not forgive her.
'Yes, you could', he says, taking a deep breath and looking above her. 'You just choose not to'.
There is no answer for that.
'You are to be confined to this tent until the doctor says you are fine'.
'And then?'
'Then we will see'.
Her punishment, he doesn't say, but she hears it in his voice anyway. And she knows what the penalty is for what she did.
'Yes, sir', she answers formally, straightening her back even though her side screams in pain. She feels an urge to cry, to let despair take over, but she won't do it in front of him. Until she stops breathing she is still a soldier, and as such Lily will keep her posture.
But there is a crack on her wall, very much like the crack on the dam that she started with her explosive, and Lily can't help but whisper as he turns to leave: 'James — Captain — I am sorry'.
He turns to her one last time, and Lily remembers his hazel eyes looking at her with longing and adoration, how they got so close to something. Now James looks only troubled, defeated even when they've won a battle that is bound to finish the war.
'I am sorry too', he says, leaving her alone, and Lily's world explodes in agony and regret.
A woman.
Evans is a woman.
When the doctor came whispering this news, his face baffled, James had laughed thinking this was one funny prank; maybe Evans had even partnered with Sirius for that one, and he was on his way to compliment them for the idea when the doctor told him he was being truthful.
Truthful. That was one word he couldn't use to describe Evans anymore — if that was even her name, he'd thought sourly as he watched her face on his quiet vigil by her side, waiting for her to wake up. She had to wake up; she couldn't die taking a stupid dagger that was aimed at him, and she couldn't die before talking to him.
He spent a full day by her side, waiting, wondering what had made her do it, and most of all, why had she not told him. Didn't she trust him? But she had said she did… Or perhaps she had enjoyed deceiving him, had laughed at how stupid he was, had played with his feelings… Oh, was that what she was doing? Toying with him? James had let his feelings for her very clear and she… she had lied over and over. Had she enjoyed seeing him make a fool of himself?
He had no answer while she slept and no answer at all later. Evans — Lily Evans — couldn't explain why she had lied to everyone — to him.
When he finally leaves her tent, all eyes move in his direction, though everyone is quiet. They know , he realizes, and he has a mind to admonish the doctor for telling, but what difference does it make? They would find anyway that James was playing the fool, that he was the captain who had been deceived by one of his alleged soldiers, and the humiliation snickers at him.
God, why he was so stupid? Why didn't he see it?
He knows the answer. He trusted her. Evans introduced herself as Liam and he never bothered to question. And later, when he was drawn to her, when they got closer and he fell for her, then he'd just assumed that there was nothing unusual; he'd assumed she would tell him anything.
He wonders how long it will take until the soldiers start to talk about how obviously infatuated with her he was.
He enters his tent, longing to be alone or for a good bottle of firewhiskey — if only he had thought of allowing himself to travel with one —, but his wishes are not to be attended; seconds later Sirius enters the tent, smirking easily.
'I told you you aren't gay'.
'Not now, Sirius'.
'Oh, come on'. Sirius splashes himself in James' bed, unaffected by his answer. 'It's not as bad as it seems. So Evans is a woman. Well, I've heard of weirder things'.
'How bad do you think it is?', James asks disbelievingly. 'How bad do you think I'll look — this entire unity will look — when they found out we couldn't even notice we had a woman amongst us for weeks?'
'She was smart enough to trick everyone. Hell, she was smart enough to throw a river on those Death Eaters! Why are we discussing this?'
'Because there are rules. I'm more than willing to disregard a few of them, but some are above us. If she had a problem with not joining the army, she should have taken it to Dumbledore and not — not made me a bloody fool!'
He is screaming, all reason gone, and Sirius rises, his face now tense.
'James — you are overreacting, mate'.
'No, I am not. She lied to me. She made me — I thought —'
'What, you are mad at her because she made you question your sexuality?', Sirius asks mockingly, crossing his arms.
'This is not about it'.
'Then what?'
'She —', James stops himself, collecting his thoughts. Everything inside him screams in pain and he wonders, not for the first time, why Evans didn't simply let the dagger hit him. It would be far easier — but then James would still be in the dark, making a fool of himself… 'Evans told me that he — that she trusted in me. With all her heart. And I believed in her'.
'Well, she did. Does. Considering how you are overreacting now, no wonder she didn't tell you before'.
'I am overreacting because a doctor came to tell me the person I'm in love with is a woman pretending to be a man for weeks while she was lying on her deathbed!'
'Just move on, James. She is still the person you are in love with'.
'Move on?', repeats James dryly. 'Get out, Sirius'.
'What?'
'I told you to get out. It is an order, soldier', he adds, breathing hard, using a commanding voice he never used with Sirius before, and this becomes evident when Sirius looks offended.
'Fine. Keep brooding. It's not like she just saved your —'
But Sirius' retort is cut suddenly when the tent opens and Peter enters hurriedly.
'James!', he cries desperately. 'You need to come outside, Crouch is here and he is not seeing reason!'
'What?', James asks sobering up, alerted. Crouch is one of the officials of the Ministry, the most strict to rules he has ever met. 'How come?'
'I don't know, he must have come looking for us — he hurt Remus and he is going to kill her!'
'What?!', he cries now, running past Peter and leaving the tent.
Everyone is gathered outside and beyond his unity, James sees the small garrison that Crouch brought with him, three stern soldiers who stand rather menacingly as another drags Evans from the medical tent.
Her hair is loose, flowing freely in the wind like flames, and she holds her cloak — James' cloak — tightly around her as she is thrown in the ground, in the middle of the circle that has been formed.
She is trembling, from cold or fear he cannot tell, but she raises her head high, defiant, as she looks around the circle until her eyes fall on James. He looks away, finding a body falling on the ground near the medical tent, and he recognizes Remus even before Sirius cries in agony and rushes to his side.
That snaps James out of his stupor.
'Crouch!', he cries, glad to find someone he can argue with. 'What is the meaning of this?'
'I got news of treason in your unity, Captain Potter', Crouch says coldly. 'And I am here to attend the law'.
'This is my unity! What are you doing to my soldiers?'
Crouch scoffed, his gaze going from Evans to Remus, who Sirius holds in his arms. There is a nasty bruise on Remus' forehead.
'Your soldier ignored my orders. He tried to protect her'. He glances back at Evans, the disapproval even more palpable now. 'The traitor'.
Evans shudders upon hearing the word, but other than that she stands quiet on the ground, acting as if she can't even hear him.
'That's my problem, not yours', insists James.
'Your problem was being cared for by a military doctor'.
James takes a deep breath, his hand itching to just punch Crouch, as useless as it would be. 'She was hurt in battle and was treated as such'.
'A battle she had no reason to be part of in the first place! If this traitor knew her place at all —'
'The traitor has a name and it's Lily Evans', she interrupts him, her voice loud and firm, stubborn as always and James can't stop the sudden surge of pride for her standing. 'Stop talking as if I am not here'.
'That is because you shouldn't be here, Lily Evans', answers Crouch disdainfully before looking at James. 'You know the law. It's unwise to lose time and energy healing her'.
James blinks, coldness wrapping him, far more powerful than any other feeling he felt that day. He knows what Crouch means because there is only one law applicable to treason in the army.
But he doesn't say anything because he cannot.
'Captain?', Crouch calls him.
'You cannot — I will not let you execute her!'
The words leave his mouth roughly, more of a roar than anything, and it seems to echo even in the open space; even the wind seems to subdue as if nature itself is curious to see what's going to unfold here. His voice seems to spark something in Evans too, because she moves, breaking her rigid stillness to gaze at him, and he can feel her need to understand him.
But James refuses to take his eyes out of Crouch, who, after a moment of uncertainty, nods with an amiable smile.
'Of course', he agrees, pulling his sword and before James can pull his in answer — he won't let Crouch do anything to Evans —, Crouch is offering him his sword. 'It is your prerogative'.
'Mine?'
'You are the captain of this unity. It is your right to execute the lives of any traitors under your authority. After all', Crouch's voice is low now, 'you were the one she deceived'.
She sighs upon hearing this, and James turns to her, the sword that Crouch just gave him feeling heavy in his hand. It's a two-handed sword, not his style and far too fancy to be used in a battle — because Crouch, as an official, does not go into battles. It's an executioner's sword.
Evans watches him calmly, her green eyes betraying no fear even though he can see she is breathing hard, her lips trembling just slightly, but she makes no move to fight him or Crouch. There is only acceptance in her eyes and James feels a sudden urge to shake her — defend yourself, he thinks desperately, urging her to read his mind. Give me a reason not to do this.
But she stays quiet, so damn stubborn as always, and he thinks that if she would say something, it would be to tell him she understands it. Lily Evans chose it — she knew the risks when she joined the army illicitly and she always agreed to sacrifice her life for what she believed in.
'Aren't you afraid?', he'd ask her once, curious, at the end of their morning run. Evans had turned to him, quiet and obstinate, and James' heart had skipped that beat that always happened when Evans was around.
'Of what might happen? Yes. But I was even more scared of doing nothing'.
She just wanted to fight, he thinks.
She could have told me, he thinks also.
He raises the sword and her eyes close in quiet acceptance, and James is taken back to that night, three days ago, when they had briefly kissed — her eyes had fluttered too, and now he understands that the problem was never the fact that he wanted to kiss her.
Perhaps she had hated to lie to him.
The sword feels so heavy.
'James!', Sirius calls him, indignant.
'Do your duty, Captain', tells Crouch and James thinks of his father telling him the same before he had marched away. His father had trusted him.
I trust you with all my heart, James.
I will protect you, James had promised Evans.
The sword falls, cutting the air and being planted on the ground with a deadly fatality.
'Close camping now', he orders, his voice lacking life but still leaving no place for questioning. 'We will be marching in ten minutes. GO!'
His soldiers run to obey him, but Crouch stands still, watching him with apprehension. 'Captain Potter? This is highly —'
'Go take your complaints to Dumbledore or whoever cares to listen to you, Barty', he growls. 'This is my unity and I am the law here'.
'But the traitor —'
'I've dealt with it as I see fit', James says, not looking at her, even though he feels her eyes over him. 'Move out, Crouch, or I will make you'.
Crouch eyes him with disapproval all written over his face, but James refuses to step back until Crouch nods, relenting. People are running around them, hurrying to finish packing their things, but James doesn't move and neither does Lily, still standing knelt on the ground. Now and then Remus and Sirius walk closely, throwing worried glances at them.
After several minutes, he pulls back the sword on the ground.
'Captain?', she asks at least. 'James?'
He hates how hearing her speak his name still makes a thrill of excitement run through his body, how he still yearns for her even though everything has been nothing but a lie.
'You are free to go, Evans', he tells her, not bothering to hide the anger in his voice, even though it's more anger for his weaknesses than for her at the moment. 'Go back to your village'.
'Yes, sir', she answers quietly, always the perfect polite soldier. 'May — may I ask you why?'
Why is he not punishing her, she means. Why is he ignoring the law.
He looks at her and it's dangerous, almost wrong, because with her eyes staring at him intensely, her need to understand him evident on her face, James almost speaks the truth.
Because I am still in love with you even after you broke my trust.
'You saved my life, Evans. I am just repaying my debt. We are even now'. He stares at her one last time as if to make sure he won't forget her face, though he knows it's pointless. He doubts he could forget Lily Evans even if he wanted to. 'Goodbye, Evans'.