Disclaimer: I own nothing!

"coney island" by Taylor Swift
Break my soul in two
Looking for you but you're right here
If I can't relate to you anymore
Then who am I related to?
And if this is the long haul
How'd we get here so soon?
Did I close my fist around something delicate?
Did I shatter you?

JPOV

Renesmee. Renesmee. Renesmee.

It was as if I heard her name echoed along with each beat of my demolished heart.

She didn't want me to go with her. She wanted me to stay here. She wanted me to move forward without her. She needed a break from me.

She didn't need me.

How did I take a break from oxygen? Nessie was my oxygen. She held everything in my life in place – like gravity. She was the only reason my world existed… She was the only thing that mattered. Could I even survive without her? The agony that tore through my spine like dull switchblades said no.

I stopped running so I could throw up. This was the worst pain I'd ever experienced. I never imagined any hurt like this existing. Is this what dying felt like – emotional and physical torture until you, luckily, took your last breath with gratitude?

I had to go find her. That was the only way to make the anguish dissipate. But was that me being selfish, only thinking about my own suffering? I recalled what she'd said: "I need you to let me go. I need you to stay there and do what you need to do for the pack and not worry about me. I need you to move forward on your own and give me some space."

I couldn't go after her.

I had to give her what she told me she needed. I would always allow her to have choices; I didn't want to be controlling. My commitments to her were simple – always protect her and be/do anything she needs… But there was something off about her voice, like she wasn't telling me the entire truth. I had to figure out what was really going on. She was too vague on the phone. Something else must be happening. Was she in danger? Maybe her family was going to go after her, and I would just tag along. Was all of this because of –

Ugh. Leah cringed from my pain. What happened now? She asked.

I growled. I didn't want an audience to my misery.

Shit. What the fuck happened? I heard Embry ask. Embry flinched once he became aware of my agony but tried to hide his reaction with a cough.

I unwillingly thought about my phone conversation with Nessie a few minutes ago as I started sprinting back toward the Cullens' house. I knew Nessie would probably be calling her family soon, and I wanted to know what she said to them.

She just left!? Embry asked. What the hell? Why?

Wow. Leah thought sarcastically. She tried to keep her other thoughts to herself, but they slipped: Another front row seat to Jacob's never ending misery saga.

I growled. Both of you phase back or shut up! That's an order!

They went silent immediately. I hated using my Alpha commands for something like this, but I couldn't deal with their commentary right now; it just made the situation feel more real and confusing.

I was in the trees outside the Cullens' house now – close enough to hear the chatter that was going on inside. I couldn't see them, but Edward knew I was here, I was sure. I could just go inside, but I didn't want to phase. I also didn't want to be bombarded with questions about my conversation with Nessie when I could barely tolerate the pain as it was.

"You will call me immediately if something is wrong, or you need assistance with something. And…" I heard Edward say before he paused. "And just remember who you are, Renesmee."

I assumed this was the conversation I was hoping to eavesdrop on. Remember who she was? Like that's what she needed to hear right now. Nice going, dickhead, I thought to Edward as I rolled my eyes. I couldn't hear Nessie's response to him, but I imagined his comment caused her some anxiety.

"Goodbye, my sweet daughter. Please be safe and come home to all of us soon." I heard Edward say before ending the call. Damn it. I missed their conversation, but just from hearing to the tail end, it didn't sound like anyone was going after her. That was a stupid fucking decision.

"I know, Bella," I heard Edward say in that weird ass velvety voice of his – the one he only used with Bella. "She'll come home soon, my love."

Good, maybe Bella would be on my side about this. Someone had to go be with her, right? It just couldn't be me… Not when she told me to stay away. Not when she said she didn't need me…

Pain rippled through my spine that threatened to tear me apart completely. It took all my strength to not topple over.

I would always respect Nessie's decisions. I would never force her to do something… I just wanted to make sure she was safe. And if someone in her family was going with her, I would feel some slight relief.

"All the pain she's gone through recently… It's just not fair," I knew Bella couldn't cry, but it sounded like she was.

Is that what all the wet shit coming out of my own eyes was – tears? Probably.

"No, it's most definitely not," Edward sighed. "Are you positive you don't want us to accompany her? She may be an adult, but she is still our child, after all."

For once, Bella, see reason, I silently begged. Please, please. Talk some sense into her, bloodsucker, I commented to Edward.

"She needs a break. She's owed that. It can't be easy for her to be around all of us when she's hurting so much… If she doesn't stay in contact with us, or she isn't back soon, we'll go then. But, for now, I think it's best to let her have some space."

Damnit! Leave it to Bella to fuck things up for me. The last bit of hope I had in this situation was demolished. Even if Nessie didn't need or want me, I still needed to know that she was okay.

I felt my legs give out underneath me as my body hit the wet floor of the forest.

Did anything even matter anymore?

I tried to take a deep breath, but my chest felt incredibly tight.

I had to trust Nessie. She was the only one who really knew what she needed right now. And if she determined that she needed space and time away, I would respect that. It was just hard when all my instincts were screaming at me to go to her, thanks to the imprinting bullshit. It was even worse in my wolf form – this overwhelming drive to take off running to Denver, like she took one of my vital organs with her when she left.

Edward wouldn't go against anything Bella said, so I knew he wasn't going to be of any help either. Like normal. "I suppose you're right," he said, responding to Bella.

"It's strange she didn't want Jacob with her, though, isn't it?" Bella asked.

"Yes. I thought so, too." Edward answered.

"What will this do to him?" I heard Bella whisper, sounding concerned. If she really fucking cared, she would make the decision to go after Nessie so she isn't alone in her own anguish.

But I guess Bella was just respecting Nessie's wishes like I was. I really couldn't be upset with her. She was probably making the right decision.

"He's… Less than well at the moment." Edward responded.

"He's here?" Bella's voice was higher pitched.

"Yes. In the trees outside. He wanted to hear our conversation with Renesmee but got here too late."

"Jacob!" Bella called my name. "Come inside! You're family, too."

I snorted. I'm not coming inside.Tell her to go after Nessie. Fuck, I guess you can't. You're just as submissive to her as I am to Ness. Why are they both so goddamn stubborn and infuriating? I thought to Edward.

I heard him chuckle. "He doesn't want to come inside. He's… conflicted. He wants us to go after Renesmee, but he also wants to respect her wishes. He just wants to know that she's safe."

"Why doesn't he go after her himself?" Bella asked.

Submissive coward respecting what Nessie says she needs right now, I responded.

What if I don't need you? Nessie's voice echoed in my mind. Another wave of agony tore through my body, threatening to completely tear me apart.

"Renesmee requested that he stay here and move forward without her. She said she doesn't need him," Edward responded. I howled involuntarily, unable to contain my agony. Hearing him say the words out loud made it even more real. I heard Embry howl back.

Edward continued, "He can't go against her wishes easily… It's almost impossible for him to, thanks to the imprinting. But, regardless of the imprinting entanglement, he wants to respect what she says she needs. His biggest drive, however, is to know that she's protected, hence his desire for us to go after Renesmee."

"He's in a lot of pain with her leaving, isn't he?" Bella asked.

I whimpered, noticing the piercing pain all throughout my body once again. It was like someone was stabbing me over and over with a dull knife just enough for it to cause excruciating pain, but not enough to actually kill me.

A big part of me wished I was dead instead of feeling this way.

I think I heard Edward take in a sharp breath, like he had winced at noticing the agony slicing through my body. "Yes… I can only compare it to the pain I know of leaving you all those years ago. His pain feels similar, except he's grieving more than just Renesmee's absence."

I howled again then forced myself to stand up. I couldn't dig up that grave now, too. I started running as fast and as far away from the Cullens' house as possible. I couldn't remember the other hurt that was only manageable when I was near Nessie. If I thought of that grief now, I would be annihilated.

The shared anguish between Nessie and me was the catalyst to all the tension in my pack. I wasn't helping Nessie manage the depression she'd fallen into from the grief, so her mistake was really a result of my inattention. Even though my sister and brothers disagreed that it was my fault, I knew the truth. Leah was the only one who understood the situation better than most. I wasn't sure why.

I just didn't know how to best help Renesmee with her pain. I didn't know what she needed.

Leah let out a small whimper. I think it's probably a good thing that Nessie's going away for awhile. She was getting worse just staying cooped up at the cabin or at her parents' house… And I empathize with her because I kind of understand what she's going through.

You're right, I responded, agreeing with her about Nessie getting worse and about her understanding to a certain degree. But that still didn't mean that any of this wasn't my fault.

Leah and Embry were near my house, waiting there to check on me, I guessed. But I wasn't going back there anytime soon – to the little cabin I shared with Nessie. That would be far too painful. I'd just crash with my dad or something.

None of this is your fault, Jake. She has to work through all of this guilt she's carrying around. That can't be easy for her to do while being around everyone here, Embry commented.

I guess he was right, too – this wasn't about me. It was about her. She knew what she needed, I didn't.

I would do my best to follow what Nessie requested – let her have her space while I focused on taking care of the pack. But I wouldn't be able to move forward without her or not worry. I needed her, but she didn't need me. I couldn't go after her if it was only for my benefit – her needs always came before my own.

I also knew that Nessie could take care of herself, so she really was safe. She wasn't a damsel-in-distress – very far from it, actually. She could easily fight anyone in the pack, including me, and be the victor. I was convinced that physical combat was another vampire gift she possessed. She was strong, intelligent, and solely capable of determining her own methods of healing.

Embry's thoughts flickered to memories from a few years back when Ness took both Seth and Jared to their knees within seconds. No one else from the pack was brave enough to volunteer to practice with her after that. Only me. And she'd beat my ass too many times to count even when I'd given it my all.

So badass, Leah commented admirably.

No one stands a chance against her, Jake. She's physically safe, at least. Embry thought.

Yes, she was physically safe. But was she safe from all the emotional baggage that haunted her? From the demons that surfaced every night when she slept beside me and woke herself up as she either screamed or scrambled out of bed to puke her guts out? I flinched, recalling how that very thing had happened just last night. I woke up with her and literally had to rock her back to sleep while she shook and sobbed in my arms…

I didn't know how I would stand being away from her when she was in so much emotional turmoil; that's what my real problem was. My instincts, thanks to the imprinting, were so entangled in her… Every hair on my body was screaming at me to run toward her. Fighting the urge was like holding my breath or refusing to blink – completely and utterly unnatural.

But I would find a way to push through those innate, somewhat unconscious drives. Nessie needed a break. She was safe. I would give her the space she said she needed. I wouldn't make this about me and my fears or impulses.

I would respect her decisions now and always. End of story. I just wish she had known that before sneaking off without even saying goodbye.

I wouldn't have stopped her if she'd told me this was what she needed to do. Maybe she wouldn't have been able to leave if she faced me. If the tables were turned, that would be the case for me. Not that I could ever leave her, anyway.

Fury started to course through my veins as I thought of the last year and a half – all the pain we'd endured. Well, I'd endured. It was almost as if Nessie had refused to feel any of the adversity except for when she slept. She was numb, dissociative, and completely checked-out the majority of the time…

Until she snapped.

Leah and Embry both shuttered at my memories.

Sorry, I told them as I shoved the thoughts aside. I hoped they knew my sorry was encompassing more than just my current thoughts.

Maybe this trip would be therapeutic and cathartic for Nessie.

But what did it say about our relationship if she didn't want me to be there to comfort her through her healing? Why was she pushing me away? How was it even possible for her to? I tried to imagine my sister, Rachel, separating from Paul, or Emily taking a break from Sam… They wouldn't be able to. How and why was Nessie putting space between us?

My heart started to shatter more, if that was even possible.

I started running faster as I refocused all my energy on the trees blurring past me instead of the never-ending turmoil that scrapped through my mind, body, and every part of my being.