Nothing…
I am surrounded by a fuck-ton of absolutely nothing, just floating in the void.
…
If I have to experience being born one more fucking time, God, I swear that I'll climb my ass out of hell, march through the pearly gates and SKULLFUCK YOU WITH A BARBED WIRE COVERED SANDPAPER HORSE COCK AND HANG YOUR ASS ON SAINT PETER's BASILICA BY YOUR GALLBLADDER! Don't test me bitch!
…
Got that out of my system… so what now?
…
Nothing? Huh?
…
No Exposition, no superpowers?
…
Ok then…
…
…
…
And now I'm bored.
…
Good time to wake up now…
…
Anytime now…
…
…
…
For fuck's sake…
…
thud
"Ah fuck!"
I turned around to see some guy in a monkey mask that vaguely looked like a Youtuber I used to watch. Average height and carrying a body pillow with the print of… Elliot Rodger? The fuck?
"Who the fuck are you?" I asked ever so politely.
"Mumkey, that bitch Susan shanghaied me to be your servant or something." He responded in a harsh, guttural voice.
"Susan?"
"Nobody important."
"I me-"
"Drop it."
"Okay then…"
…
"Anyway, this place is essentially your soul, specifically your sacred gear, the reason that crow bitch killed ya."
"Sacred gear?"
"Superpowers courtesy of the big man upstairs."
"So uh… what now."
"You're dead-"
"Then what the fuck was the point of this talk then!"
"If you had let me fucking finish… I would have said "but not for long", have fun waking to an eyeful."
"Hold on-"
~Hyoudou Residence, Monday 6:00 am~
As my eyes open and my vision unblurs, I think four things:
I'm not dead!
I'm not getting pushed out of a vagina!
Why am I naked?
Why do I feel skin and hair?
…
WHO THE FUCK AM I SLEEPING WITH?!
I bolt out of the bed and grab the emergency baseball bat. My immediate reaction was this because there was no way in heaven or hell that I would get laid, not one god-ow fuck!
Ah! feels like I'm getting fucked in the sinuses by chainsaw! God dam-
FUCK!
…
Ok, can't say the g-word anymore and I don't know why. Anyway, back at the topic at hand, who the fuck is on my bed?
"Ara ara…" Wait, I heard that vocal tic somewhere, It's one of the "Onee-sans", Himaji? Hamada? Himejino? The black haired one with slightly bigger tits.
"W-Who are you and what are you doing here?"
"Don't you remember, we had a lot of fun last night" the stranger replied.
"False, no way in hell would I ever get laid and there isn't much sweat on the sheets." I rebuked, sounding suspiciously like a certain beet farmer, "who are you really? No bullshit this time."
[WAKE UP! WAKE UP! IF YOU DON"T WAKE UP I'M GONNA K-KISS YOU…]
Just as she was about to reply, the most annoying alarm in the world blared in the other room. That damn thing is a pox on this house.
[WAKE UP! WAK-]
"SHUT THAT FUCKING THING UP, ISSEI!" I quickly lost my patience.
By the time I looked back to my uninvited guest, she was already mostly dressed.
"Alright, what were you about to say?"
She stretched and looked at me with a slight smirk.
"Come to the Occult Research Club after school, and you'll have all your answers, hiro-kun~."
"And, where's that?"
At that point, she was at the doorway, so she turned back.
"The old school building," and she went through.
I hurry up and get dressed for the day, and rush downstairs to see the stranger, Issei, and the redhead from school all sitting down at the table, my parents sitting and chatting like its normal. I go to Issei and motion him to talk to me out in the hallway.
"What is this?" I motion to the two "Onee-samas" at the table.
"I don't know…"
…
"By the way, I had a really weird dream last night about my girlfriend growing wings and sta-" Holy shit!
"That wasn't a dream!?" I nearly shouted
"That wasn't a dream!" Issei panicked. "Am I dead!?"
"We're here… so no." I deadpan.
Issei calms down a bit.
I look back to the table… and the two girls were gone, like they weren't even there in the first place.
"What the fuck…" I mutter.
Weird supernatural shit aside, we got to get the fuck going. I scarf down my breakfast and bolt out the door, with Issei trailing behind.
~Kuoh Academy, 2-B Homeroom~
We barely make on time, sitting down on our desks just as the bell was ringing. It was at this moment I realized that we were running as fast as Olympic athletes and that the sun was being extra shitty on me today. We go through the motions: take notes, do work, all of that jazz. Yet along the normal routine I noticed some anomalies between Issei and I; one being that we were suddenly good at PE even though we normally got average at best.
Otherwise, the day was as normal as it could get despite all the weird stuff going. There was even a surprise appearance from the tweedle brothers, and in a move that quite shocked me to the core, Issei rejected their offer to go peeping for once. Nevermind, this day is most definitely not normal nor would it ever be normal.
My trainwreck of thought was interrupted by a summons by Mr. Perfect, a nickname I give to that one guy that got every girl in the school obsessed about him. Unlike my brother, I don't really hold much of an opinion on him. In fact, I pity him, mainly for the fact that he has to deal with one of the most annoying subgroups of humanity possible, Japanese teenage fangirls, only just behind middle-age WASP moms in terms of pure annoyance factor.
"How much longer will we have to walk?" asks Issei, mildly annoyed by the lack of explanations.
No response.
We approach the old school building and on one of the rooms it a big sign saying "Occult Research Club".
How the fuck did such an obscure club that should have at most like 5 members get a whole-ass building to themselves. I file that thought in the "unsolved mysteries" folder of my consciousness.
We enter the room and the first thing I notice is that Jailbait is here, eating something. Then I look to the left and there is a fucking shower in there, why!? The fuck! What?
Why are they acting like it's normal? Oh wait... animeland, makes (no) sense now…
Whatever, to the mental recycling bin those questions go.
I hear some curtains rustling and the water shutting off, so I have the good sense of looking away.
"For you, buchou," a familiar voice speaks.
More rustling…
This is fine. This is normal. This doesn't break any form of social norms or basic decency. People always take showers in front of strangers. Nothing wrong here.
By the time I look back, the redhead and that girl from before are seen fully clothed, with the redhead having wet hair. The black haired one looks over Issei and I and speaks,
"Nice to meet you. My name is Himejima Akeno. Please take care of me."
The group welcomes us and while Issei and I take our seats, Rias, as we now know her, reveals that the entire club, including us, are devils. At this point, I've seen so much weird shit that I just take it in stride while Issei comically overreacts in standard anime fashion.
Exposition. Exposition. Angels, Fallen, Devil, Magicians – You probably heard this shit already as the reader so I'll skip over it for your convenience.
Eventually this filibuster soon transitions to unlocking sacred gears, where I actually start paying attention.
"Close your eyes and strike a pose that makes you feel like you could draw out a large power from within." instructs the club president.
Oh shit woman, you just activated Weeb-sei.
"Kaaaaa-meeeee-haaaaa-meeeee-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Issei strikes a pose eerily similar to Son G-fuck, Gon Soku from Dragonba- Drag-So Ball. It's essentially the same show excepts characters have different names.
After that pose, it takes a few seconds, then Unholy Shit! That's a cool-ass gauntlet! Dr. Claw, eat your fucking dick out, my baby bro is gonna kick your ass.
Since I was curious about my sacred gear and the monkey fuck stuck inside it, I did a little pose of my own. I imagined the smug face of the crow bitch, and my fist going towards it.
"BEGONE THOT!"
I feel a little weight on my wrist. Everyone looks in shock at me for my shout.
"What's a thot?" Issei quietly asks. Oh shit it's like 2011, they don't know what that means.
"Nothing," a quick reply from me.
I look back onto my wrist, it's a watch, a good looking one, but just a watch. I'll ask Monkey McFuckleberries about it later…
Soon enough, yada yada yada, go be unpaid postal workers for me k thx bye.
I hope nothing wacky and uncharacteristic happens to me.
Something wacky and uncharacteristic does indeed happen.
AN: Seems that I'm on a roll or something. Cya next update.