Disclaimer: I do not anything you may recognize
Thank you to everyone who has favorited, followed or reviewed this fic so far.
Thanks a lot to Brainstorm Sorcerer for his help with this one, couldn't have done this without him.
This one takes place after 'Heroes, Vampires and Slayers' but before 'Arrival of the Devourer'.
Guest 1: Thanks and glad you agree. No kidding on the human characters, and I agree on the fights too. That sounds good to me.
Guest 2: Thanks for the idea and it sounds interesting, though I'm not sure how to do it, but thanks still and don't worry, you're not coming off as forcing or anything.
Chapter 3- A narrow save
Earth-199999
Wade Wilson and Lucifer Morningstar were outside the door to J. Jonah Jameson's dressing room. Deadpool then knocked on it, pulling out a frying pan from…..somewhere.
"This is for you." He handed it to Lucifer, who took it.
The Devil looked at the frying pan oddly. "What on Earth is this for?"
"The Leprechaun isn't very original."
Lucifer went to open his mouth for another question before the door opened.
J. Jonah Jameson looked at the two of them with annoyance.
"What do you want? I have my show in two minutes!"
"Pfft," Wade whispered to Lucifer loudly, "He actually thinks people watch his show."
"The lunacy of humans never ceases to amaze." Lucifer whispered back at the same volume.
"If you two work for me, you're fired!" JJJ went to shut the door before Lucifer kept it open.
"Been done a few times, hasn't seemed to stick."
"On either of us. Now," Deadpool leaned forward until he and Jonah were mask-to-nose, "you are going to leave my best bro Spidey alone, or we'll be having problems, and I promise you'll be on the news, but not how you'd like it."
JJJ stared unimpressed at the two of them, before his brows suddenly spiked up. "The freak sent more freaks to threaten me!"
"What?"
"Oh bloody Hell."
"This is perfect! Out of my way, I got a new headline!" Jameson tried to push past them, but Wade and Lucifer pushed him back into the dressing room.
"You're not going anywhere!" Wade boxed the man on the jaw and then Lucifer swung the frying pan and it connected with the bald head.
JJJ crumpled to the ground as Wade started kicking him and Lucifer's frying pan kept smashing onto his head, then Wade switched and started punching the man's face as the two continued their onslaught.
Lucifer pulled back while Wade kept punching over and over and over and over again to the point that Lucifer was waiting for his turn.
Wade had a brief pause and Lucifer was about to move, until Deadpool went back to smashing JJJ's face with his fist, continuing for a few seconds before pulling back, in which Lucifer slammed the pan down on the head.
Lucifer stopped as Wade took his chance to punch again, alternating between fist and pan, and after the third punch, Lucifer smashed the frying pan over Jameson's nuts, before going for the head again. Wade went to speak, until Lucifer hit with the pan again.
"You're not going anywhere, bub!"
...
"Bub?"
...
"Bub?!" Wade leaned closer to the body before recoiling. "Lucifer, you killed him!"
A gaping Devil suddenly dropped the frying pan.
"I never touched him." He said smoothly.
"Yeah but the frying pan did and you were touching that at the time!" Wade pointed out.
Lucifer panted before pointing at Wade. "Bollocks! You killed him! He was dead before he hit the ground!"
Deadpool's white lenses were wide.
"Well then why did you keep hitting him with the frying pan?!" He accused.
Lucifer opened his mouth before shutting it and shrugging. "For fun."
"Oh Devil! What are we gonna do?" Wade asked, now panting and looking at the unconscious JJJ in horror.
"Well, I am sure you will be doing 25 years, I think", Lucifer said to him.
"No! Bullcrap! It was an accident!" Wade started making an alternate scenario. "He fell over on his way to the door."
"That's right", Lucifer said, picking up the frying pan and kept it next to the unconscious JJJ. "And banged himself repeatedly over the head with a frying pan."
"You're right!" Wade said before his white lenses went wide again as he said in total horror. "We're done for!"
Wade ran to JJJ's body. "Wake up you bastard!"
And then he punched him twice on the head, only for Lucifer to pick up the pan and whack the merc's head, making him stagger back as he held his head. "Calm down!"
"I am calm!" Wade snapped before screaming at JJJ. "You bastard! You bastard! Huh, huh!"
Lucifer whacked Wade's head again, sending him back. "Calm down you big red condom man!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay", Wade panted, slowly calming down. "Oh Devil, oh Devil! This is real!"
"That's right, so we must be sensible", Lucifer told him.
"Right, sensible, let's eat him", Wade said to Lucifer before shaking his head. "No, sorry. Stupid idea! Turn the gas on!"
Lucifer ripped the cables out of the wall. "Let us try to wake him up. Go on!"
"Uh, okay", Wade said as he held up his hands to take them, only for Lucifer to shock him instead as Wade screamed. "AAAARRGHHH! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!"
"For getting us into this mess, you buffoon!" Lucifer said before taking them off Wade as he blasted JJJ's head with electricity, then both his ears, then his nostrils, and then his balls, but he didn't wake up. "Bloody hell!"
He threw the cables away. "How shall we get rid of the body?"
"Well, I'm still in favor of eating him, no need for fucking gas, we'll eat him cold", Wade said.
"I don't like the look of him", Lucifer shook his head.
"Not a problem, we'll tape Morena Baccarin over his face", Wade shrugged.
"Here you go then", Lucifer said, handing Wade a fork and knife, as he stabbed JJJ above his nuts and was about to cut before stopping. "Wait, we don't need to eat him, we'll have someone else do it for us."
He took out a special cell phone which could call through dimensions. "Hey Dopinder, how is the kebab business going? All right, you got any place for meat? Oh, okay. FUCK YOU THEN!"
He put the phone down. "He says his place got run over this morning. He can't help us. What are we gonna do with the body?"
"What body?" Lucifer asked, and Wade noticed it was gone.
"Huh? That is absolutely-" Wade was cut off while walking as he tripped over a carpet suddenly in his way.
"Pathetic", Wade said as he got up, noticing the body was bulging.
"We can just flatten it", Lucifer suggested.
"Good idea", Wade agreed as they jumped over the thing, trying to flatten it.
They backed off as Wade said. "This seems pretty good."
"All right, I will pretend to be a policeman", Lucifer said as he walked out and closed the door before knocking and coming back in. "Ello, ello, ello, what's that dead body doing under the carpet?"
"Oh crap!" Wade said as both cringed. "We just killed the only guy to pull off a Hitler-stache since Charlie fucking Chaplin!"
"Perhaps we can hurl him out the window, make it look like suicide", Lucifer suggested.
"Yeah, that's good", Wade said as he sat on JJJ's desk and wrote a note. "I know now Spidey is a hero and I feel a lot of guilt for throwing him under the bus, especially since the real monster was my son, as seen in Aragorn II Elessar's 'Heroes, Vampires and Slayers', so now I can't live with myself."
Wade and Lucifer then lifted JJJ up to throw out the window, and walked to it, about to push him off.
"One, two, three-"
"Owww, my head!" JJJ said as he finally woke up, holding his head in pain. "Where am I? What is-?"
He was still out of it so they quickly pulled him back in as Wade said. "Let's put some makeup on him."
"Yeah, that would work, no suspicion on us", Lucifer agreed as they added some last minute makeup changes, JJJ slowly coming to while Wade pulled the knife out finally.
"Spider-Man, where are you Spider-Man?" JJJ said, still dazed.
There was a knock on the door as Lucifer opened a portal to Hell. "Come on!"
"Yeah", Wade said as they ran into the portal as it closed.
The producer came in and grabbing JJJ, dragged him away. "Come on, its time Jonah!"
He put him on a chair as the cameras came on and JJJ started. "So today-"
Avengers Tower
Parker, Wanda, Steve, Tony, Natasha, Bucky, Sam and the rest were in hysterics as they looked at JJJ who spoke. "Two freaks were sent by Spider-Man to threaten me."
On JJJ's bald head was curly hair drawn by a marker, with mascara and eyeshadow added on his face, blue lipstick and a spider symbol on the corner of his eye.
"I love this show now!" Parker said.
"Yeah, he should always come dressed like that", Tony nodded in agreement.
Same time, Jessica's apartment
Jessica and Trish sat together, the former drinking beer as they fell to the floor in hysterics. "What the fuck? Who did that?"
"Whoever did is a hero", Trish said.
"They hit me with a frying pan."
Same time, Harlem's paradise
Luke and all patrons of the club laughed at seeing JJJ as he said. "Sweet Christmas!"
"One of them was dressed in a poor man's Spider-Man suit."
Same time, SHIELD Base
Fitz, Simmons, Mack, Bobbi, Hunter, Melinda, Elena and Daisy laughed hysterically as well.
"Bloody brilliant", Jemma said.
"Yes, perfection", Fitz nodded.
"But point is, they assaulted me! I want the freaks!"
Lucifer and Wade watched the whole thing on an enchanted TV in Hell.
"I WANT SPIDER-MAN!"
"And that's what happens when one watched Richie and Eddie too much", Wade quipped as he and Lucifer high-fived.
Once more, thanks a lot to Brainstorm Sorcerer for his help. This was based on the 'Bottom' episode 'Gas'.
Hope all enjoyed and see you all next time with another chapter. Stay safe from the coronavirus ya all!