She couldn't tell who she was.
She couldn't tell what she was.
She couldn't tell anything meaningful about the world she lived in.
That is, unless the world she lived in was truly nothing more than splitting pain and an endless scenery of pink, fluffy clouds.
She wanted to reach for the clouds, to know what they feel like, but she seemed to lack a physical form to do so.
Or did she? There was no way of telling, and it's not like she could reach out to anyone else when she wasn't even sure if anyone else existed.
Did she, or did she not, have a physical form in the first place? That was the question, and it was kind of difficult to answer, but so far, all evidence pointed towards her not having one.
If she concentrated on the clouds, if she thought she was one of the clouds, then the pain even seemed to fade away. And nothing felt better than the feeling of pain going away and giving way to calmness.
That way, the way of realization and self-fulfillment, there would be pain.
This way, the way of bliss and ignorance, there would be serenity.
However, serenity proved to be a very fleeting feeling, difficult to achieve in practice, and soon enough, and she was struck by pain once again - now, with something else added to her complete list of experiences: a figure, lying on her side, unable to move.
Was this who she was? But she didn't feel like a motionless person in pain. It would have helped her cognitive dissonance much more if she truly were a cloud, in a world of nothing but clouds: free, careless and unaware of what a demand even is, let alone that she had demands to fulfill.
If she could just go back to being a cloud, this time, the pain would go away for real, and she would be able to live out the rest of her existence without a single care in the world, and without ever needing to answer the pesky question of who she was or what her name was.
Yet, the more she tried to focus on being a cloud, the more she came to think of other details, which she realized were, in fact, facts of her own world.
For one, strangely enough, all of her pain was actually concentrated in her head.
That was a strange place for pain to be concentrated. Was she actually getting better, with the rest of her body - and yes, she definitely did have a body; now that her palette of feelings had broadened, this fact was undeniable - slowly healing? Or was she always hurting in her head, and simply gained enough awareness to realize it?
For another thing, she finally came to realize that she was a Gem.
A Gem: a projection of light from a gemstone, able to manipulate itself to take any form that she desired (though, a "preferred" configuration always existed, and trying to go away from it for an extended amount of time was not desirable), with powers usually dependent on the gemstone's chemistry and cut.
A Gem: a cog in the great Gem Empire, always expected to heed the orders of the Diamond Authority and other superiors, in order to maintain the Empire's prosperity, throughout the galaxy.
Yet, trying to remember what she knew of Gems, this did not look like anything from any of the Gem worlds. With the information she currently had, the only reasonable conclusion she could make was that she was shattered, in one way or another, and this was some sort of Gem afterlife.
She slowly raised herself, stood on her feet and opened her eyes to better look around the Gem afterlife.
Wait, no, she absolutely did not do that. It felt like her soul was standing tall, ready to face the troubles that were simply not a part of this world, but her body remained limp and motionless, lying on her side. The two positions seemed irreconcilable, and yet, here her mind was, perfectly reconciling between them.
What was more, even though her soul opened her eyes, the view of clouds had not gone any clearer; it was always as clear as her mind was, and what was more, her body's eyes remained closed. Again, if she didn't think about it too hard, it was perfectly understandable, and she did think about it too hard, the pain in her head would worsen - and the last thing she wanted, right now, was for the pain in her head to worsen.
Then, she was struck with another realization: Gems were more like programs, not like organic beings, and therefore, Gem afterlife was complete and utter nonsense. For that matter, the idea of Gems having headaches was barely reconcilable - headaches were for pesky organics, not Gems - but she didn't want to question it.
Then, it must have been that all the troubles that she is facing, as a Gem, being subservient to the Diamonds, were real, and therefore, she had to snap out of this delirium phase as quickly as possible, for the prosperity of the Gem Empire.
But being a cloud, without a care in this world, or any other within the galaxy...
The essence of clouds was within her gemstone, as it would seem, and if she needed, she could return to the place anytime. (Though, she really hoped that eventually, she would find a way to return without experiencing the splitting pain in her head.) Now, she really needed to get a move on.
With a flash of thought, the soul, standing tall, disappeared, and she was, once again, lying down, motionless and in pain - as she always was.
She continued to see the pink, fluffy clouds. But, for the first time since awakening, she could also see the blackness of her eyelids, feel the paralysis of her holographic form, and struggle to move so much as a finger.
Since she was paralyzed by the pain and whatever else she might have suffered before coming to this state of mind, movement, even of the lightest parts of body by the smallest amounts, was tremendously difficult. Yet, by starting small, she was able to work her way up, from one finger to the entire hand, and from just the hand to the entire arm.
Just as she was able to slightly move her arm, though, she suddenly felt as though she was standing up, once again.
No. This could not happen. This was not how a Gem woke up.
Finally, she was able to open her eyes - her real eyes - and see what awaited her, in one of the Gem worlds that absolutely existed.
Unfortunately, this secondary layer of pink, fluffy clouds made it hard to distinguish any physical objects. It seemed to permeate everything, as though it was still the world that she lived in, even though she knew, for a fact, that she didn't. There were likely objects, such as this blue flat thing she needed to check out, but they, too, seemed to be embedded into the cloud realm.
The blue flat thing flashed, and spoke something that she couldn't understand; she could merely raise her eyebrows and try and listen closer.
However, while she still couldn't properly process the world, she was, in the very least, slowly regaining control of her body, indicated by very light groaning. As she slowly moved her hands as much as she could without shapeshifting, she was first able to feel the gemstone on her belly.
And with that, the hands happened to chance upon a crack.
Oh no. She was cracked, and for a Gem to be cracked was never good news. She would inevitably have to deal with the Diamonds, and they would scold her, as they always have.
In other news, at least that explained the pain, and that was always good to know.
She continued exploration of herself through the tactile, figuring she couldn't rely on her vision right now. As her hands continued moving around her squirming body, they happened to chance upon her face, which felt really... watery.
It seemed as though struggling to exist exerted a lot from her, and she ended up crying a small pool. (Again, crying was really more for organics and not Gems, but she didn't want to question a single part of her experience so far.) It felt really yucky, too; she did not usually spend her time around water.
And yet, this water seemed to be... magical.
However, no amount of magical tears could change the fact that her gemstone was still cracked, that she still saw everything through a layer of thick clouds, that she still only heard vague ringing and echoing noises, and that that blue thing kept flashing and repeating the same thing - or was it a different thing?
She once again moved to feel the gemstone, but as she did, the magical tears shone in all the magic they could muster, and suddenly, her hands felt dry again.
Once she was able to properly feel her gemstone, she realized that the cracks were, in fact, gone.
Was her mind playing tricks on her? Was her sense of touch just as unreliable as her senses of sight and sound? At this point, through the pain, it was impossible to tell.
Yet, it seemed that the magic from the tears continued working throughout her entire holographic form, and gradually, the pain was replaced with a feeling of lightheadedness.
The blue flat thing flashed again - no, wait, it definitely had a roundness aspect to it - and repeated the same thing - definitely the same thing:
"...se i... self..."
She would pay attention to that later. For now, she wanted to see if she could properly stand up, in the real world, and see an environment other than the cloudy one.
She was able to squirm enough to raise her body, to the point where she was sitting down, huddled up as though she felt like nothing.
However, the moment she tried to properly stand up, she found that she couldn't keep the balance, and she fell on the floor, luckily, with her back facing the ground, so her belly gemstone didn't get hurt in any way possible.
Not that it mattered, because she could just heal it with her magical tears.
She bet that she could use these tears for a prank or two.
She realized that Gems were not a species of pranks, but she wanted to play some pranks on her fellows, anyway.
Was there a wall that she could lean back on as support? There probably was, but through the clouds, she just couldn't see it.
She conceded. For the moment, figuring out the rest of stuff around her, up to and including her designation, would have to be done while she was sitting down, with her hands down by her raised knees, trying her best to shake off even the lightheadedness.
She first motioned to feel the only part of her body that she couldn't see, no matter how much she contorted herself: her hair. Once she did, she immediately felt like she was back in the clouds.
Wasn't this cool: a little cloud in the form of your hair?
Even though she barely remembered anything, she definitely remembered that she didn't use to have hair like this. Nevertheless, since she knew that the clouds were a thing, once they would fully dissipate from her vision, she would still have a form of them anywhere she went.
She then glanced at the flashing thing that was bothering her. Now, she could at least make out what it was supposed to be: a holographic shell, that contained a pearl - no, make that a Pearl, with a capital P. Another gem who could explain her everything.
And with that in mind, once the shell flashed and spoke, what it was about to speak was immediately clear.
"Please identify yourself."
Before she could do anything else, she needed to answer the question both she and the Pearl were asking: who was she?
Any other sort of Gem knew her purpose from the moment of forming and never once was able to forget it. Yet, she didn't seem to have such a clear programming.
However, where she lacked in clear programming, she managed to make up for in vague memories and utterances she overheard over her life as a Gem.
You are a Diamond, Pink! You should know better than this!
Wow. First of all, voices in her head, that she constantly heard throughout her life, were absolute meanies.
But also... Pink... Diamond?
Was this who she was? But she didn't feel like Pink Diamond. To be a Diamond would mean to be an example to the rest of Gemkind, and a barely mobile figure trying to figure out who she even was absolutely did not fit the bill.
A Diamond was beauty, a Diamond was grace, a Diamond was the brilliance of the Gem race.
If she was anything within the Gem society, a Diamond, one of the matriarchs of the Gem Empire, was almost definitely not the answer, and she would have to look for a true answer elsewhere.
However, lightheadedness made it impossible to explore her identity further. She had an answer, even though it was obviously a wrong answer, and she was going to give it to her Pearl, and if the answer was something different, then she would just instruct her Pearl to accept that the answer was something different.
Also, if the answer was something different, trying to pretend she was a Diamond when she was not would have been one of the highest forms of treason, but she could always just apologize to anyone who might have misunderstood.
She lowered her knees until she could crawl, and then, motioned closer to the shell, so that, no matter how weak her voice was, the Pearl could hear it.
And then, just as she thought she had gotten close enough, the shell flashed and repeated the same inquiry.
"Please identify yourself."
"Pink... Diamond..." Her voice quivered, and for a moment, she didn't even know if she would be understood.
"Greetings, Pink Diamond. Please state preferred customization options."
Luckily, she was.
However, now, she had to process something completely new and out of left field: preferred customization options.
Pink had literally no idea of a preferred anything at this point. The only "preferred" she had was a preference for her head to fully clear for once. Also, if she even had a preference that she could come up with at a moment's notice, she would be too weak to voice it.
So, she just groaned.
"Default settings selected. Please stand by."
Then, the shell started descending, and Pink carefully moved back to a fetal position, by the wall - oh, neat, so there was a wall - so as to not interrupt the Pearl's forming.
Past her knees, she could see the Pearl starting to glow brightly, form a body much like hers, and then, come to full color. That being said, once she did, she immediately gave a glance towards Pink, and then, grew worried.
Pink had a lot of explaining to do, and very little in terms of capability to explain it.