Chapter 3 Danny
Summary- Now looking at Danny's house, Steve wondered if Lou was right, maybe Danny was better without him screwing up Danny's life any more than he had already. He hesitated and momentarily thought of driving away but he knew that deep in heart that as much as he knew he did not deserve it, he desperately needed to beg Danny to forgive him and give him one last chance.
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Parking his truck outside the small beach house, Steve glanced down at the address he had scribbled down on a piece of paper after getting the address from the DMV before he looked back up and stared at the house again. It was the right address and for the first time he noticed Danny's car parked in the garage and the ride bike he had bought Charlie for Christmas the year before, laying on the grass in the front yard. He ran his hand nervously over his face, wondering if he was doing the right thing.
Lou had told him that he had shattered Danny's world when he had left him standing on that beach outside his home a year before when he had walked away. And after he had found Danny's new address on the Big Island, Lou had admitted that he and the rest of the team had known where Danny was now living, despite his earlier claims that he did not know where Danny was. Lou had warned him to stay away, that Danny did not need any more heartbreak if he decided to walk away again.
Now looking at the house, he wondered if Lou was right, maybe Danny was better without him screwing up Danny's life any more than he had already. He hesitated and momentarily thought of driving away but he knew that deep in heart that as much as he knew he did not deserve it, he desperately needed to beg Danny to forgive him and give him one last chance.
Drawing a deep breath, he opened his car door and climbed out the car before he walked slowly up to the front door. He briefly considered trying the door to see if it were unlocked and just walking in, but he wasn't sure if he would even be welcomed, so instead he raised his hand and knocked. He only had to wait for a couple of seconds before he heard the familiar footsteps approach the door over the sound of his own racing heart and the door opened. His heart leapt into his mouth as Danny opened the door and stared at him for several seconds. There was a weariness in Danny's face, a weariness that he intuitively knew that he was responsible for and for a moment, he found himself expecting the door to be slammed closed in his face.
"What are you doing here?" Danny asked, almost as if he was not surprised to find him standing there and Steve briefly wondered if he had been forewarned of his attempts to track him down and possible arrival.
"I need to talk to you, Danny." He told Danny softly as Danny reluctantly stepped aside and allowed him to enter.
"You need to talk to me, now?" Danny asked incredulously as he spun back around and faced him. "You were gone for a year, Steven! A year where I never heard a peep from you, not even once!"
"You had my number." Steve tried to defend himself softly, "You could have called me as well."
Danny growled heatedly, "Don't you think I tried?" He swallowed hard, the hurt that Steve had seen on his face the last time when they had been on the beach together a year ago when he had left, still as raw and naked on his face as he looked over Steve's shoulder at the ocean beyond, the volume of his voice dropping, "But each time, Catherine answered and told me you were too busy to talk to me and that you would call me later, or my call went straight to voicemail. And you never once attempted to call me back, so I got the hint to leave you alone loud and clear. so I gave up trying."
Steve looked at Danny in shock as he softly admitted, "Catherine never told me that you had called and there were never any messages from you on voicemail when I checked. I thought that, maybe, after what I did, running away from you, from my life, from everything, searching to find something I already had, that…that you had given up on me."
Danny looked back at Steve and admitted, "Maybe I have, Steve, maybe I have been the one who has really moved on and made a new life of my own … a life without you."
Danny's words felt like a physical punch to his guts, and Steve felt the air rush from his lungs, leaving him dizzy and breathless as he forced himself to whisper. "You … you don't really mean that do you, Danny?"
"I don't know," Danny shrugged, suddenly uncertain about anything, now that Steve was back, standing right here in front of him. The anger rose again scalding him inside with its heat as he hissed, "But what I do know is that after a year of nothing, no phone calls, no contact, nothing to say that you are even thinking about coming back, you suddenly come waltzing back into my life again and expect everything to still be as it was." Danny sighed as he ran his hand over the side of his head, "You left me when I needed you the most and now, you're back, and in typical McGarrett fashion, expecting things to go the way you want. You know, I bet that the Governor has probably even offered you your old job back." He saw the guilty flash in Steve's eyes, silently confirming what he had suspected would happen, had indeed happened. He shook his head as he snorted sarcastically, "Don't even bother answering that question because I already know the answer. Does Lou know?"
Steve nodded, "Lou knows. The Governor offered him the position, but he knocked it back, preferring to leave the position open in case either you or I came back."
"And when you decided to come back the Governor offered the position back to you?"
Steve nodded again before adding, "But I haven't accepted it yet, I wanted to talk to you first."
"Oh, you wanted to talk to me first?" Danny asked in mock surprise, pointing at himself dramatically. "Why? You have never listened to anything I have said before!"
"That's not true!" Steve began to object only to be cut off as Danny shook his head and laughed, the hurt and sadness Danny was feeling only too evident.
"Oh, so that's not true?"
"No." Steve answered weakly, trying to deny what deep down he knew was undeniable.
"What about leaving, Steve?" Danny asked softly, remembering the numerous talks they had had when he was still recovering in hospital and Steve had first broached the subject. He had tried hard to argue against Steve's decision, aware that most of Steve's sudden desire to leave the islands was driven by guilt over his kidnapping and torture and not because any of the weak excuses of trying to find what he was looking for out of life that Steve had given him. "You didn't listen to me then, so why now?"
"I was scared, Danny!" Steve admitted softly, an admission until now he had not even admitted to himself, as he repeated softly, "I was scared."
"Scared?" Danny's eyes opened wide in surprise as he stared at Steve, "Scared of what?"
"Of me, of you … of…of us!" Steve pointed first at Danny and then himself before he lifted his hand and nervously ran it through his hair, leaving his hand resting on the back of his head as he turned and walked several steps away. Suddenly spinning back to face the man whom he loved with all his heart and who he did not want to lose, he confessed his deepest darkest, secret that he had felt a level of fear that he had never felt before, a fear so great that he just didn't want to face it. "Fuck it, Danny, I was scared that one day I was going to get you killed and I almost did. And I didn't want it to ever happen again, I don't think that I could go on living if anything ever happened to you." He sighed, dropping his hand to his side as he took a step towards Danny, willing now to bare his soul and show his true feelings rather than lose the man he loved again, "I guess if I am going to be honest, I mean really honest, not only with you but also myself about what I did last year, I knew deep down, even then, even though I tried hard to ignore it, that I wasn't really running to find what I was looking for, but I was running from what I already knew that I had. Damn it, Danny, I love you and I never want to lose you and it meant I had to leave you to keep you safe, so that's what I did. But I was wrong. I should never have run. I made a mistake, one I will regret for the rest of my life, one that I want to correct now with you."
"What about Catherine?" Danny asked quietly.
"She's gone."
"Gone?" Danny frowned, "Gone where?"
"Afghanistan," Steve shrugged, "She joined up again without telling me."
"So, you have just come back looking for me on the rebound?" Danny asked, hurt that the only reason why Steve had returned despite everything he had just told him was because Catherine had dumped him again.
"No!" Steve shook his head, horrified that was what Danny thought. Lowering his voice and it's intensity, he admitted, "Catherine and I tried, but I guess she always knew after I met you that things between her and I would never really work. I think she always knew that one day I would leave her and come back to you, so I guess she decided to leave first. And she was right. The day she left, I was going to tell her that it was over, that I wasn't being fair to her by living a lie, trying to make a future with her when I loved you." Taking a deep breath, Steve stepped a little closer as he pleaded , "Please, Danny, I know I screwed up. I should never have run away and I'm so sorry, sorrier than you will ever know. But, please, can you take another chance on me? I love you, Danny, and I promise that this time I won't let you down."
Danny stared at Steve. There was a mixture of guilt, fear, hope and regret, there was a look of pure vulnerability that he had never seen in Steve before. He felt torn, fearful that he was setting not only himself, but also Charlie and Grace, of having their hearts ripped out again if Steve decided to leave but there was also the feeling of hope that maybe…just maybe …this time Steve really did realize that everything he had been searching for was here all along. He knew he was taking a chance but unlike other times when he hesitated in fear of getting either himself or one of the kids hurt when beginning or deciding to continue a relationship, he knew deep down Steve was worth taking a chance on. Looking over Steve's shoulder, he saw Grace and Charlie standing on the stairs leading upstairs. watching them. There was a look of hope on both Grace's and Charlie's faces that Steve was back for good and going to be back in their lives as they waited for his answer. He sighed as he looked back at Steve and gave a single nod, a nod that warned Steve that he really meant it, that there would be no more chances, when he announced tiredly, "Okay, but this is the last time, Steve."
Steve nodded and smiled, really smiled, feeling for the first time in a year that he had found what he had been searching for, the man who had been trying to protect, the man who had been by his side all along as he promised solemnly, "This is the last time, Danny, I promise."