The Monster in Me
I feel his lips tracing butterfly kisses on my body and I hold onto his shoulders, holding him against me even though I should push him away. The heat is clouding my mind and I can't for the love of me remember why I shouldn't. I only know that I want this. I love this. I love him.
Right then his lips move lower and I brace myself for the moment when his lips will touch my hungriest spot. He looks up at me and I drown in fiery blue just before he plunges in.
I wake up with a jolt, still panting. My body is on fire though I've already kicked the covers off me. The erotic pictures from my dream are still swimming around in my head, making me dizzy and horny all the same.
It's day fourteen on my cycle and it's one of those days when my hormones scream at me to procreate, meaning I'm sexually frustrated or as my friend Caroline would like to say; 'horny as hell'.
Unfortunately I'm single and there is no way I'll be changing that status anytime soon. I sigh and get out of bed. I feel fine now. I can distract myself, get a cold shower and I'll be fine.
At least that's what I tell myself before I arrive at work and as I slowly slave the day away, I start to get more stressed and exponentially frustrated.
By the time I get off work, I'm about to explode and I have no choice but to go there. The last time I was there, I promised myself that that would be the last time but I guess this one has to be the last. I have to find a healthier solution.
I knock on the door and wait for it to open. Yep, this absolutely has to be the last time.
When the door finally opens, I let out a breath in relief. I can't keep it together much longer and I'm starting to shake.
There he is, giving me a once-over with his infuriating smirk plastered on his face and I want to wipe it off him so bad. He's been expecting me. I don't say a word or wait for him to invite me inside. Instead, I smash my lips against his, wiping that smirk right off and turning him hungry and wanting just like me.
I revel in his taste as I let myself devour his lips, his scent, the feel of his hard chest against my oversensitive breasts and his soft locks against my fingers.
He doesn't waste any time as he starts taking off my clothes right away. He kicks the door closed behind us.
I find myself walking backwards as first my blazer then my shirt fall to the floor. I'm working on the buttons of his shirt when his hand reaches the top of my high-waisted pencil skirt. Then he seems to change his mind because he lets go of the waist and starts pulling at the sides so he slides the skirt up and around my hips. I finally manage to get rid of his shirt right before he turns me around and pushes me against a tall chest of drawers with a lamp on it. I hear the unmistakable sound of a zipper and my breath hitches in my throat when he tugs me roughly against him and positions my hips right before he drives in. He's in all the way immediately. God, I'm so ready and I feel heavenly. Without missing a beat, he pulls out and drives back in. He starts repeating that, building us up and I love every second of it.
I start to thrust my own hips backwards to meet him halfway and that seems to drive him crazy. His thrusts get faster, harder and more frenzied. Every time he drives into me, I'm slammed against the dresser. I'm grabbing at it desperately seeking some form of leverage but my attempts are futile and my arms flail helplessly before me.
At some point, I hear a loud crash and realize that I knocked down the lamp but I can't bring myself to care. He doesn't care either because he never slows down once. On the contrary, he moves faster if that's even possible.
Three seconds later, I find myself falling, crashing into an endless ocean and feeling wave after wave hit me before I'm fully submerged into the water. He's right there with me the whole time.
It takes a while for me to return to Earth and I find myself lying on the floor. I don't remember how I ended here, lying on my side with him behind me. We're still joined and I don't want to move. I feel his breath in pants tickling my shoulder. His arms are still around me, holding me to him, one hand resting on my breast and the second on my stomach, stroking it lightly.
"I knew you'd come back to me."
His voice is like a jolt of electricity that starts by my shoulder and spreads to the rest of my body, waking up the monster that we just managed to put to bed.
"Elena?"
It's too much. Hearing my name in his voice is just too much for me. I twist around in his arms and find those brilliantly blue eyes of his, staring right into my soul.
"Shut up," I say and capture his lips.
Before long, I'm straddling his hips, rocking back and forth and continuing right where we left off.
She says it's the last time. She says that every time and she comes back anyway.
Believe me, I'm glad she does. I just wish she'd give us a chance. I know we'd be amazing. I mean telling by the sex I have to say we'd be phenomenal. But there is no 'we' and I need to get that thought out of my head.
She'd never do that to her friend. She'd give up her own happiness for her. She doesn't have any idea that she's robbing me of any chance at happiness too. I love her but I can't tell her. She won't let me even if I try, because her friend is in love with me. She has been for as long as I remember but I never felt anything for her.
Every cell in my body is burning with desire and love for Elena, who I can never have because of some unspoken girl-rule or whatever. I know that Elena feels something for me too. It's obvious but she just doesn't want to admit it to herself. Instead, we are both suspended in this half relationship with stolen moments here and there, away from prying eyes.
I'm practically her dirty little secret.
Neither of us pursues any real relationship even with someone else because for my part, I don't think I can ever love someone else as I love her. I prefer a non-relationship with her than a real relationship with someone else. I'm whipped, I know. Believe me, I hate myself for it but I can't stop loving her.
I know he's in there. I've been knocking on his door for the past five minutes but he won't open it. He's not speaking but I know he's standing just behind this plank of wood that separates me from him.
"Damon, please open up. What's wrong? Are you okay?"
My voice is shrill and I sound needy. It's because I am. I need him and it's the first he's ever denied me himself.
"Why won't you open up?"
My voice is week and I feel like I'm being strangled by my own overwhelming emotions. I knock on the door one more time just before my legs give out and I slide along the wood to the floor.
"Please… I need you."
My tears are streaming freely now. My hand reaches for the door and I find myself caressing it like I would caress his cheek.
She's on the other side of my door and I don't know how I've had the strength to keep from opening it all this time. I'm sitting on the floor leaning against my door and listening to her quiet sobs. I put my hand on the wood and I wish it was her soft cheeks.
I have to do this for her and for me because I can't live like this anymore. I can't live my life waiting for the brief moments when I'm allowed to touch her, to have her in my arms. It just isn't worth the hurt of her absence afterwards. It's not worth the times when I'd wait and wonder if this in fact was the last time or if I will ever see her again.
I need to have control over my life again and if that means I have to give up the drug that is her, I will.
I stayed by his door the whole night, crying and pleading for him to let me in but he never did. When morning finally came, I gave up and left. Since then I haven't been myself. I don't know what happened to me. I mean it was just a physical thing and I've wanted to end it for ages. It's good that he did it for me… right?
The truth is; I feel like my heart is shriveling up and dying slowly inside my chest. I don't recognize the girl I see in the mirror anymore. Her eyes look dead, like she's nothing but a shell and whatever soul that was inside has long since abandoned it.
What's happening to me?
I thought I was strong, that I could survive anything life threw at me. But I'm nothing but a pathetic excuse for a woman.
I've been neglecting my job, going one day and skipping three. Today I was laid off and honestly, I don't care.
I'm currently curled into the fetal position, hiding from the world underneath my covers. The bell rings and I ignore it. I don't want to see anyone. My life is pathetic as it is. I don't want to have someone else's success thrown in my face.
God, that person is persistent. I pull the covers higher around my head trying to keep the sound away and wishing that whoever it is would just give up already.
Finally, they seem to get the message telling by the sudden quiet settling over my apartment. I slip into a half sleep.
Just when I've found a good position, a loud screech startles me out of my skin.
"Elena! What the hell are you doing?"
It's Caroline. Of course, how could I think she'd ever give up? She obviously knows where the spare key is.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" I say from underneath my feathery cocoon.
"It looks like you're throwing your life away," she says and tries to rip the covers off me but I anticipate her move and I hold onto it with all my strength.
"It's my life and I can ruin it if I want. Now leave me alone," I say petulantly.
She stops the tugging war and sighs loudly. Yep, I managed to make Caroline Forbes give up on me. No wonder Damon did.
Shit, why do I keep thinking about that name? I feel like someone's driving a knife through my chest at the thought and I try to shove it away.
"Elena honey, you can't keep doing this to yourself. You need to let go," she says and sits on the end of my bed. She's the only one who knows about him. I can never keep anything from her.
I keep staring into space, acting like I'm not listening to her every word.
"You've wanted to put an end to that relationship for more than a year. You should be glad he saved you the trouble and did it for you.
You did not want to pursue a real relationship with him, so it wasn't fair to keep him hanging like that, waiting for you to change your mind. Honey, you need to let him move on with his life so you can move on with yours."
My eyes start leaking out of my control. I always think I've dried them up but they always surprise me with more tears.
I'm drunk…again. I'm in my car, parked in front of her building. I've memorized every window and every brick. I've become my own worst nightmare, a creepy, drunken bum obsessed with a girl he can never have.
I pushed her away so I could get on with my life and since then I haven't made a single step in that direction.
I take another healthy… or rather an unhealthy swig of my quickly diminishing whiskey to wash the thought of her chocolate eyes away.
At least I know she's okay. She left her job but she goes out with her blond friend sometimes. In the morning, she takes a jog around the block and before she returns to her apartment, she picks up some fresh bread from the bakery across the road. That's the closest she gets to where I'm parked and sometimes I manage to get a good look at her.
It's good she isn't living in the hell I'm currently in.
This evening, I saw her leave with her blond friend and I haven't reached the trailing-her-level of creepiness yet so I stayed put. But I'm not above waiting for her to come back. I tell myself I just need to know she's okay.
I duck my head when a taxi stops in front of her building. A moment later, she steps onto the sidewalk and I expect her to shut the door and pay the taxi but she waits for someone else to get out.
My blood freezes inside my veins when I see a guy stepping out of the taxi. He puts his hand on the small of her back and guides her inside her apartment building.
I open my car door and step out. I cross the road and follow them inside the building. I don't have to climb the stairs to her floor as I hear their voices clearly.
"Thank you for tonight," she says.
"Please, it was my pleasure. I like you, Elena and I would love to take you on another date soon," he says.
Then I hear kissing sounds and I leave before my masochistic heart makes me listen to more. She's moved on. Well, good for her.
I drink the last drops of whiskey and throw the flask somewhere behind me before I cross the road. I hear the glass shatter and I almost laugh at the irony.
A white Toyota screeches to a halt in front of me and the guy smashes his hand to the car horn, nearly deafening me. I give him the finger and walk on to my car. I get in and try to grab the key I'm sure I left in the ignition but it's not there.
Suddenly my passenger side door opens and a mane of blond curls steps inside.
"What the hell?"
"Really, Damon? You were going to drive drunk? What's gotten into you? I used to think you were smart but I guess whiskey does that to you, huh? Also, I saw you throw that bottle away. That's called littering my friend and I always thought you had OCD. So again I ask. What's gotten into you?"
I take my time to recover from the onslaught of words. I haven't talked to an actual person in months and my alcohol-ridden brain can't grasp all of what she's saying to me.
"What are you doing here, Blondie?" I ask omitting any answer to her questions.
"You look like hell. When was the last time you shaved and have you even showered today?" She says scrunching her face disgustedly and my head is already hurting from this conversation.
"Get out of my car. I have to leave," I say and try to turn on the engine just to realize that I still don't have the keys.
"Looking for these?" She says and dangles my keys in front of me. I grab for them but my reflexes are worse than a one-year-old's and she just holds them out of my reach.
"What the fuck do you want from me?" I ask giving up my futile attempts at snatching the keys from her and turning to bargaining instead.
"First you have to let me drive you home, then you're going to take a shower and afterwards you'll sit down and listen to what I have to say."
"Hell will freeze over before I let you drive my car," I say.
"Well, then get comfortable, because we'll spend the night in here," she says and looks at me with a stubborn expression.
"Fine," I say with clenched teeth followed by a curse.
We switch sides and I let her drive us home.
Before long I'm sitting on my couch waiting for her to purge so I can get on with my life… or get on with not getting on with my life.
I refused to let her blackmail me into doing anything else and finally she agreed to just get on with it.
"You have to let her go," she starts and I snort. This is what she wants to talk about? I guess I'm drunker than I think because I should've seen this coming.
"You promised to listen to me, Damon. Now listen. You made your choice to let her go. Now you have to actually do it. She's trying to move on. I finally managed to convince her to go on a date. You need to let her try, okay. It's the best thing for both of you. I know you've been watching her for a while and I thought you'd realize how crazy that is on your own but one of those days, she'll spot you and then she'll start spiraling again. Best case scenario is you two getting back to doing whatever the hell you were doing, hurting your selves and each other in the process.
If you don't care about yourself then do it for her. She needs you to let her go, Damon."
She stands up and hikes her purse on her shoulder. "That's it. That's what I have to say. Please think about it."
Caroline tried to set me up with this guy, she works with.
We were on a date. It was nice. By the end of the night, he followed me right to my door. He kissed me. It was romantic, cheesy and cliche and I didn't feel anything but longing, longing for something more, for softer lips and a firmer kiss.
I laid him off gently.
He's not talking to me or Caroline anymore.
That's me for you, ruining people's lives along with my own. Now I have accepted that fact and I'm perfectly fine with living my life alone. At least I won't hurt anyone anymore. Maybe I'll adopt a cat and forget to get it nurtured so it gets pregnant and gives birth to a litter of cute kittens that I won't be able to part with so I keep them all and end up being the weird cat-lady with the strange-smelling house.
I push that depressing thought away.
Today, Caroline invited me to dinner with her and a couple of our mutual friends.
I'm halfway to enjoying myself talking to this girl who shares my liking for literature and is as hungry a reader as me. She's explaining to me the appeal of a book she's been reading when I spot him entering the restaurant.
This is the first time I've seen him in nine months and my memories of him didn't do him justice. He looks too good dressed in a suit, his hair the perfect messy mane of black locks that my hands itch to run through. What I don't see until it's too late, is the girl whose arm is curled around his.
It's her.
It's Andy.
This time I feel the knife in my back. He told me he didn't feel anything for her. She's been in love with him since we were teens and he never paid her any attention. She used to come to me crying about her one-sided love for him and I felt so guilty every time I slept with him. I felt guilty every time I saw the emotions pouring out of him in silent waves, begging me to let him in.
I bite my lip and try to keep my face from showing any of the murderous jealousy I feel inside when her eyes land on our table. His eyes widen when she tells him and he looks our way. Our eyes lock for an endless moment. I clench my hands under the table to keep them from shaking.
She drags him over and after that initial look, he avoids my eyes. They say hi to everyone and stay to chat for a while. I use every ounce of strength in my body to keep a fake smile firmly plastered on my face. She tries to talk to me but I answer in one-syllabled words so she eventually gives up.
After college we kind of grew apart and I'm much closer to Caroline now than I ever was to her so she does not question my coldness.
I can't keep the mask on for much longer. I excuse myself and hurry to the restrooms. Once inside I finally let go and the dam bursts. I cry and I scream with my face in my hands. I look at my face in the mirror. It's covered in black lines from my mascara. Great, now I look like a bad joke. It feels like someone's squishing my heart in their fist and I don't know how to get rid of the feeling. I start slapping the counter in front of me just to steer my thoughts away from the pain.
Then I feel someone hugging me from behind.
"Shhhhh… It's okay, sweetie."
It's Caroline. I let myself crumble in her arms. The sobs wrench out of me like shards of glass ripping away at my insides.
"He brought her, Care. He moved on with her," I cry and she holds me firmly.
It's the first time I've seen her since the night Caroline gave me her speech. That was four months ago.
It's been nine months and 22 days since the last time I held her in my arms.
I see the tension in her smile. It's not real. When she excuses herself, everything in me wants me to follow her, to comfort her because that's what I do. I comfort her when she's hurt, I make her feel better but this time I'm the reason she's hurt.
I didn't do this intentionally. Well, maybe a little because I finally responded to Andie's advances and asked her out. But I didn't know she'd be here tonight. I didn't want to rub it in her face.
After ten minutes, chatting with the guys, we excuse ourselves and go to our table for two. I feel like I'm suffocating and I barely hold a conversation.
I get one more glimpse of her back when she gets out of the restroom and walks to the exit immediately. Caroline walks back to their table and grabs their purses and jackets before she follows her outside.
I don't know how I ended up here. I'm in bed with Andie and my head is anywhere but there. Fortunately, I know how to make her feel so good that she doesn't notice me not actually being there with her.
After our date three weeks ago, we somehow ended up in bed and since then we've been "together" I guess.
I hate it. I hate myself for doing it and I hate her for making me do it.
I'm leaving. Not just the city but the whole country. No, I'm not fleeing. I just got a job offer and I'm taking it. I'll work as a reporter for a renowned news station. The job pays well and it's a good addition to my CV after the fiasco of my last job.
I've already signed the lease to my apartment over and my bags are packed and ready. It's my last night in the city and I'm spending it at Caroline's. She's in the shower and I'm just lounging in her living room with a cup of tea and my iPad.
The doorbell rings. I don't remember Care saying she's waiting for someone. I go to the door and look through the peephole. My heart starts beating wildly and my mouth goes dry when I spot the unmistakable black locks.
Why is he here? Does he know I'm here? No, he can't know. Nobody does.
I try to calm myself as I open the door.
He looks up and our eyes meet. I don't speak. I can't. I know my voice will betray me if I do.
"Hi," he says.
"Hi."
He stays silent for a while.
"I came to see, Caroline. She's been helping with some stuff," he says vaguely and I wonder what stuff my friend is helping him with and why she's keeping it from me.
"She's in the shower. You can wait for her inside."
"Okay, thanks."
I step aside and let him in. He seems to know his way around the apartment, because he heads for the living room immediately.
He sees the suitcases right away and turns to look at me with a questioning look.
"Who's leaving?" He says pointing to the suitcases.
"I am. I got a job covering the news in the middle-east. My flight leaves tomorrow morning."
"No… I mean… why? Why would you go there? It's dangerous. There's a war and suicide bombings," he says and I see the worry in his eyes.
I almost laugh at the way he summed up the conflict into two things, war and suicide bombings.
"That's the point. I'm going there to cover the news."
"But…but…"
"I'll go check if Caroline's done," I interrupt and run out of there as fast as I can.
"I'm helping him get over you just like I'm helping you."
"But why would you keep it from me?"
"Come on, Elena. You needed to move on and if I told you anything about him you'd just relapse. Remember the night at the restaurant?"
"God, don't remind me."
"See, you don't need to be hearing about him. That's the only way you can get on with your life."
She's right. I know she is but it doesn't make it feel any less like a betrayal. She's my friend and I want her to help me, just me. I know it's childish but that's how I feel.
She's leaving. Not just the city but the whole country. She's walking into a war-zone. All I want is to go back and try to convince her to stay. If it weren't for Caroline telling me she needs to do this for herself, I'd never have left that apartment. Why does she need to throw herself in the middle of a war? I don't get it but I stay put.
I spend the night in a random bar drinking everything away. It's been a while since I last indulged and I need it to wash away my warring thoughts.
I also can't go home because Andie will be there and I can't deal with her today. I don't have it in me to pretend.
I'm taking it one day at a time, working my way through the day. It's another world over here. War, hunger and pain surround me. I see people dying from the cold because they don't have blankets and they're living in tents with no shelter from the unforgiving weather.
Every day, I see people killed, I see limbs severed and heads far away from their bodies. Corruption is everywhere and the fighting has no foreseeable end.
Seeing all this puts everything in perspective. Suddenly my problems seem very insignificant when I see people fighting every day just to survive.
Here, I feel like I'm doing a difference. Even if my contribution is so little compared to the severity of the situation, I'm still doing something. I'm bringing some attention to those people's struggles and maybe someone will watch it and get the incentive to help. Every hand counts, every blanket and every meal makes a difference.
I throw myself into my work and try to occupy my brain on every waking moment. I have to or I'll go insane with concern.
Every evening, I turn on the news with my heart in my throat and I draw a relieved breath when I see her on my screen. Sometimes she's standing with makeshift tents in the background. She talks about people who don't have firewood to keep warm in the winter. Other times, she's in the middle of an abandoned field wearing a black bulletproof vest. Loud bangs interrupt her every other sentence. Those times, I turn to extra measures to try and forget the sick feeling inside my stomach.
On those nights, I find my old buddy; Mr. Bourbon and I drown myself in it.
At least I got rid of Andie. I didn't even have to do anything. One day, she just got tired of me. She told me to my face that she thought we'd work in theory but in reality, it just wasn't what she'd expected. It was the single moment I got close to feeling anything resembling happiness since… well, since forever.
Right now I'm back to keeping away from women and the only member of the opposite sex I maintain any contact with is Caroline.
She's proved to be a good friend. She keeps my mind occupied with her endless chatter and I appreciate the advice she gives me whenever I feel like falling off the wagon.
Occasionally I ask her about her. I know they talk because sometimes, her phone rings and she excuses herself for half an hour or more to go talk in her room.
She doesn't say anything though and I know it's for the best but I can't keep from being frustrated with her.
Today, I saw her in the middle of a fighting ground. The bangs were so loud that she flinched every time.
I'm at Caroline's. I made her call her to check that everything is alright. Caroline keeps telling me not to watch her but she knows that I can't. I have to make sure she's okay.
Caroline walks out of her room and tells me that everything is fine. I draw a relieved breath. She puts her phone on the coffee table and sits for a while. Then she leaves to get something from the kitchen and my eyes zero in on the phone.
I just need to hear her voice. I need to make sure she's okay for myself.
I manage to convince myself to do it so I grab the phone and run out of the apartment before Caroline comes back. Her name is on the recently called list. I tap the screen and take the phone to my ear. My pulse is rushing in my ears and I'm afraid that I won't be able to hear her.
"Hello?" She says and I'm tongue-tied.
"Hello, Care? Is something wrong?"
I have to answer or she'll hang up but I don't know what to say.
"Elena," I say stupidly and my voice sounds weak in my ears. I tell myself to pull it together.
She hasn't said anything yet and I wait for her to do so.
"Who is this?" She asks and she sounds out of breath.
"It's Damon," I say and I congratulate myself on my sudden eloquence.
"Damon? Hey, how're you doing?"
"I'm fine. How are you doing in that war-zone?"
She breathes out a laugh. "I'm okay, I guess. It's hard seeing so much pain and not being able to do more to help but at least I'm doing something, you know?"
No, I don't know. I have no idea what she's going through. The only things I know are the things she tells me every evening on the news.
"When are you coming back?" I nearly face-palm myself for asking her that.
It's not even what I want to ask her. The real question is, 'are you coming back?'
"I don't know yet. I feel like people need me here and this job is giving me the chance to help people in need. I guess I'll find out what happens next when they decide if they're gonna renew my contract."
I want to tell her to come back. I want to convince her to decline a potential offer to renew her contract but I don't say that.
"I broke up with Andie," I blurt out instead. "Well, she broke op with me if you want to get literal," I say when I realize it's too late to backtrack now.
"Really? How come?" She says and even though, she sounds like she has no desire to know, I tell her. I need her to know.
I bite my pride in me and say; "she said I wasn't as good as she imagined."
"Oh my God!" She says and I can't decide if she's outraged or if she's laughing at me.
"Yeah." I smile when I realize that she is in fact trying to stop herself from laughing. "So, listen. Can I maybe call you from time to time just to know how you're doing?" I ask and I don't know where I got the courage. Maybe her laugh encouraged me.
"I don't know if that's a good idea," she says and my heart sinks to my feet.
Well, I am not above begging.
"Please, Elena. You don't know how it is to see you on the news every day wearing that tiny vest, those loud bangs sounding in the background." I shudder at the thought. "Please, I just need to hear your voice once in a while…"
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yes, you can call me, Damon."
"Thank you. Goodnight, Elena."
"It's morning over here, Damon," she laughs.
"Then Good morning, Elena."
"Good morning, Damon," she says, the smile still in her voice before she disconnects.
It's been three months now since the night I stole Caroline's phone. She scolded me for calling Elena but she didn't know that I took her number and saved it on my phone.
I don't really care because that's the best thing I ever did. During the last three months I've been talking to her from time to time. First it was just once in two weeks, then it was once a week and now it's every other day, sometimes every day. The calls are getting longer too. She tells me about her day, her job and what horrible things she's experiencing. I tell her about my day too but there is not much to say because the highlight of my day is talking to her on the phone.
I hang up with a smile on my face. We've been talking every day on the phone. We're closer than we ever were when we lived in the same country.
He makes everything more bearable. I see people suffer and I go home and talk to him. Just hearing his voice comforts me. He goes out of his way to make me laugh and I don't know how to thank him. He keeps me sane and gives me back hope whenever I lose it watching the atrocities people do to each other over here.
I think I help him too. He tells me about his problems on his job and how annoying his boss is and I try to take his mind off it.
My phone rings and wakes me out of my half sleep. It's Caroline.
She's been trying to convince me to come home but I don't know if I'm ready to leave yet.
"You can't keep running from your life, Elena."
"If I remember correctly, you were the one who encouraged me to take this job."
"Yes because a year ago, you needed to experience something like this. Now you have to get on with your life over here. Plus I really miss you. Please, come back, 'Lena."
To be honest, I miss her too and I miss my life back home but I'm just not sure I want to leave just yet.
I can't take this anymore. Talking to her on the phone is not enough. I want to see her, touch her. Caroline's trying to convince her to come home but she hasn't decided yet. I'm just doing everything I can to keep from begging her to come back home myself.
She talks about hunger and cholera epidemics and the only thing I can think about is how I want her here in my arms where I can keep her safe from all the horrors she's seeing.
"Elena… Come back home," I blurt out in the middle of her impassioned speech about corruption.
"What?"
"Please, Come back home," I say again and my heart is in my throat.
She stays silent for a long stretch of time and I almost give up hope.
"Why?"
There it is; my hope.
"Because, I can't do this anymore. I can't live without you. Come home to me, Elena."
Yes, I begged and I groveled and I said anything I could think of to persuade her. It took both Caroline's and my combined efforts to finally convince her.
Now I'm here, waiting for her plane to land. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life for this moment. Time can't go any slower and the seconds tick by in slow motion.
I'm waiting by the arrivals exit, checking the screens for landing information and checking my watch for the time interchangeably.
Her flight is supposed to be landing now. I feel like I can't breathe. I'm holding my breath for the moment I see her, safe, real and right in front of me.
People start walking out and I search for her chocolate locks between the hordes of strangers. Families, couples and friends reunite and she's still nowhere to be found. I start questioning myself. Am I in the right place? Is that the actual number of her flight or did I somehow misunderstand?
Just then, everything stops. It's like we're in a movie and someone pressed pause. Even my heart skips a beat when my eyes lock with a very familiar brown pair of eyes.
I can't move. I'm frozen in place. I don't know if this is real or I'm in a dream and my body isn't realizing that I can't move because I'm lying in my bed, asleep.
The moment she smiles, I know that it must be real because I could never replicate that smile in my head no matter how much I tried.
She starts walking towards me. At first she's hesitant but then her steps get surer and faster and soon enough she's running and I find myself running too. I can't wait a moment longer with her out of reach.
Soon we eliminate the space between us and we meet halfway in a crushing embrace that takes my breath away but gives me back my life. She's here in my arms and I can't believe my luck.
I pick her off the ground and she clings to me with the same amount of desperation that curses through me. We stay like that for God knows how long and breathing becomes a problem. We pull away just enough to make room for our lungs to expand.
I look into her face. I look into her eyes and I see them mirroring the emotions overflowing inside me.
"I love you," I say and it's about time. I've wanted to tell her that for three years and I finally got to this moment. I don't know how I survived all this time without her.
"I love you too. God, I love you too," she says and I'm bursting with emotions. I don't know what to do with myself. I smile then I laugh. My eyes betray me and start to leak so I bury my face in her hair. Then I miss looking into her eyes so I pull back and look into them just to find them wet and sparkly.
That's when I lean down and press my lips to hers. She not only reciprocates but she deepens the kiss and we're both out of breath again.
We pull away and I look into his mesmerizing eyes. God, I missed them. I missed him. How did I ever think that I could live without him?
He smiles and I smile back because this is surreal and we had no idea that we'd end up here.
My heart feels bigger than it should and I feel woozy like I'm still 2000 feet above ground. I start laughing and he laughs with me, then I bury myself into his arms again.
I'm never getting out of there ever again.