Chapter 3: More than just Love

The doctors advised me to go to physical therapy starting next week after my wounds heal. I'm fine...for the most part. I just need to get some steps in and work on my left arm that currently feels a little dangly. Other than a few weeks of therapy, I'm practically in good health. But everything could've been… gone. I came close this time. Too close. Meredith put my bag of dirty clothes in the laundry when we got home. I heard her footsteps emerging from the laundry room.

"Kids?"

"With your sister. She wanted me to help you settle in. She'll drop them off later."

"Okay."

There wasn't much to say after that. The kitchen, practically still untouched. The living room, where I'm sitting right now, is messier than my previous presence there. Meredith, more exhausted than my first day back from DC. I don't blame her. I could barely stand without support. Meredith was with me in the hospital for days as she would stay with me after her shifts. My face felt hot. I hurt her. Again. There is so much that needs to be said. I rub my temple, feeling the stitches I acquired from the accident.

The elephant in the room was weighing me down. "He was the better guy." I don't remember voicing my thoughts.

"What?" Meredith's voice came from the kitchen behind me.

I continued. "A long time ago, you had a choice to make. He wouldn't have hurt you, Mer. Not in the ways I have. He wouldn't have picked his job over his family. He was the better guy, Meredith."

"Well, I guess I'm stuck with you then." I stand or try to, but she comes over to me, and we both occupy the couch.

I looked at her briefly and then at the couch cushions, ashamed and afraid to make eye contact. I can't describe it. It's not guilt anymore. It's... I almost fucking died and put her through god knows what but she's staying strong for the both of us so how the hell do I make everything right again?

"I was being sarcastic. I'm sorry."

I give Meredith a weak nod, trying to conceal my urge toward a breakdown. I fucked up.

"I hurt you. Addison. Rose. Alzheimer's Trial. DC. Almost dying. And a bunch of other crap I can't remember right now." There was a tightening in my throat as I caught my breath and tears formed in my eyes. I tried to explain how sorry I am but no words can make up for the past few months. "I- I don't mean to hurt you. I would never intentionally hurt you. But I do. Again and again. And I... I just..."

"I'm sorry," I gave up.

She was thinking of what to say.

I had to break the silence. "Brain-mapping was a once in a lifetime opportu-"

She stops me. "I know, Derek! We fought about this," she asserts as the thought of DC triggers her.

"I know but the resources I had working for the president would've been or could've been a step closer towards curing Alzheimer's. I fucked up my first marriage because of my job, to get where I am now. To make seamless incisions on people's brains and fix them. And with the resources working with the president, I could've reached a breakthrough," I explain.

"Derek," she sighs. "Don't you see that the reason your marriage with Addison ended could've become the reason for a second marriage ending? This is what happens. People lose track of life. They forget their priorities and they unintentionally hurt people along the way."

Oh. I didn't speak. My mind was too focused on the thought of my marriage with Meredith ending. It can't be, right? She was just using it as an example?

"I don't want you to cure Alzheimer's for me. The resources are abundant but you and I both know that we don't have enough to find a cure in our lifetime. And even if we did, Derek, I just want my husband." She grabbed my hand.

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. "I wish things were easier. I put you through so much and yet you're still here, fighting for us." I tightened my grip on her hand.

"Derek, life isn't easy." There is a certainty in her tone. "We both know it. If love were enough, I'd be with Finn. He probably is the better guy but you and me, we're complex and that's why you're the one, Derek. I didn't choose wrong. Don't ever doubt where you stand because Derek, maybe there is a reason I am still with you?"

Her voice was reassuring. "Maybe because I love you?" The way she looks at me is as if she expected a response from me but she resumes, "our marriage is not coming to an end if that's what you're worried about. Because I remember us agreeing that we are extraordinary together."

I smile at the thought of that. My mind races back to the night Meredith built the house of candles. Extraordinary- yes, she is that. I hear Meredith's voice again, "I don't want love to be the solution to all of our problems. If that were the case, we wouldn't be here right now. I want love to be the cause of all of our problems. And I want us to solve it. We might not have solved this one yet. But we have a damn good sign from the universe that our reason is alive and strong."

"What is that?" I question.

Meredith took my hand and placed it on her umbilical region. Her hands hover over mine.

It didn't register in my brain immediately. But when it did I stammered, "we're having a baby," choking back the lump in my throat.

"We are having a baby," she echoed.

a/n: short-lived story, but enough to satisfy a happier alternative than the reality. As always, thanks for reading and reviewing. You guys rock!