Chapter Three (same disclaimers apply)

"Gabrielle!" I shouted, as she turned to flee. The look she had fixed upon me as we stood over Cycnus's body had ripped into my heart. I cursed ever having let the child ride with me. This was my life. These were the men who often came into it, men who sometimes died by my hand. It was not a life that I should have ever even considered exposing this girl to. I would send her home in the morning. I felt sure that she would willingly agree now, now that she had seen who I really was, and what "trouble" really looked like. I left Darius and Sphaerus to deal with the body, and followed Gabrielle onto the bank, where she had taken off behind the rushes.

I found her perched on a piece of driftwood, trembling as violently as she had the night she arrived at my camp soaked to the bone. I crouched down in front of her and took her hands in mine.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "Are you hurt?"

"I'm sorry, Xena," she croaked. "I didn't want you to see me like this. I'm sorry. I was just...just...just so scared." She took her hands back and buried her face in her hands. "I thought I could be brave, but I wasn't, I was so afraid."

Her distress tugged at my heart, but it was also exasperating. She wasn't horrified at what had happened, or, rather, not only horrified by what had happened, but horrified that she had been so frightened during the chase and the fight. It was all I could do not to laugh.

"Gabrielle," I said, resting my hands on her shaking knees. "Look at me."

She did so, chin quivering.

"Fear is the most natural thing in the world, kid," I said. "How can a person be brave if they don't first feel fear?"

"You weren't afraid."

"Of course I was, Gabrielle. I was afraid that they would catch you and Argo. I was afraid I wouldn't get to you in time. I was afraid that they'd slice me open, or that the chariot would collapse. I was afraid that Sphaerus was going to run you through. I was afraid that Cycnus was going to kill his son."

"You didn't look afraid."

"I have years of experience of channeling my fear into action. It doesn't mean I don't feel it as keenly as the next person. And you channeled your fear into action too. Sphaerus was about to follow his father's orders and kill you, but you stood right up to him and told him your mind and convinced him to put his sword down. That took an enormous amount of courage, and...I am proud of you."

"Proud of me?"

"Yes, Gabrielle."

"Why do I still feel afraid, Xena? It's over, isn't it? It's okay now?"

"Fear doesn't expire when the threat is neutralized. And, Gabrielle, you aren't used to this life, and damn it, I don't want you to get used to it. You should…" but before I could finish my sentence, she had flown into my chest, weeping. Without thinking, I let my arms fall down around her.

"I'm so sorry that you had to kill that man, Xena. I'm sorry you had to do that. I know you didn't want to. Are you okay?" It struck me that her trembling was for her own fear, but the tears were for me. She had seen the regret on my face as I had watched the man fall, and had not feared me, but pitied me. I didn't quite know how to feel about this, only that I didn't deserve that kind of purity of spirit, and that I had done her a disservice by allowing her to follow me. .

"I'm okay," I said. "I'm only sorry you had to see it. I should never have let you travel with me, Gabrielle. I hope you understand why now. You'll see why you're better off back in Potidaea or Amphipolis now." She looked up sharply, pushing back.

"No," she said, and eyes became wide and hyper-focused. "No, I'm not. I...I need to be here. I don't know why, because I'm scared, but I think I'm where I'm supposed to be."

"Gabrielle, there are other ways to…"

"No, I'm sure of it!" She burrowed back into my chest, no longer weeping or shaking.

"We'll talk about it later," I said, finally helping her to her feet. "We'll need to get back to the village by sunset, so we'll need to ride hard."

"But no more chariots?"

"No more chariots for you. We'll let the men handle that. You're coming with me. Now go on and fetch Argo. She's gone off to seek her reward in the tall grass."

****..

XGXGXGXGXGXGXG

We arrived back in the village well before sunset. I roused Gabrielle, who had been dozing at my back for the last hour. She was quiet for a few minutes, but then took a deep breath.

"Please, don't send me away, Xena," she said in a small voice. "This is the only place I want to be. With you..I...just don't send me back."

"Hold on to your devotions, kid. Let's see how you feel after we discuss rule number three."

"Rule number three?"

"Rule number three." I said again, feeling her shiver at my back. I expected her to recoil, but instead, I felt her arms squeeze tighter around my middle. She was going to make this hard.

When we arrived at Darius's home, I introduced Gabrielle to the children, who took her off to see their toys and animals. I told Darius that my work was done, and that he should take the children to the town hall where Cphaeus was to hold an address to the townspeople. It was none of my affair now, and it would give me time to deal properly with one errant little bard. I had promised the children to meet them in the tavern afterwards, and when they had made off down the path with the other villagers, I turned on Gabrielle.

"Alright," I said, watching her eyes go wide. "You and me."

I turned and strode towards the small barn to the side of the house. There was a delay, but eventually I heard her follow behind me. I opened the door and she quickly ducked in under my arm. I shut it firmly and bolted the latch, ensuring that no one would disturb us. Gabrielle started trying to talk her way out of her predicament before I had turned around.

"Listen, Xena, I know I shouldn't have followed you this morning, but I think that what happened afterwards was really quite a consequence enough in itself, and I'm not likely to forget it in a hurry. What I mean is, well, maybe this time we can just say, you know, lesson learned?"

"Nope," I said, taking off my sword and chakram, and unhooking my breastplate. I winced as I felt the sharp tug at my left side where my wound was still healing. This might hurt me too.

"But, Xena," she said, backing away slowly. "I'm not a child. It wouldn't be right."

"First of all," I said, having thought at length about how to counter the protests I knew would be forthcoming, "you are a child. And you are under my protection. And when I agreed to let you travel with me, it was under the condition that you followed my rules. And you agreed to them, did you not?"

"Yes, but I…"

"If you want to go home or Amphipolis, that's one thing. I don't want to do this any more than you do, believe me. But if it is your intent to keep traveling with me, then Rule number three is going to stand. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yes, but…"

"But what? Either you understand or you don't."

"I understand, but, just...Xena, please."

"Come on," I said, taking her arm, pulling her toward a workbench on the far wall and she pulled back.

"But, Xena, you are injured! You'll hurt yourself!"

I nearly laughed out loud. Her protests were only proving what I knew to be true already: that Gabrielle was not yet a grown woman and was behaving as such, and that this childish punishment, rather than a warrior's discipline, would be a very effective deterrent. She knew what needed to happen. I had given her a clear "out," which she had not taken. She had made the decision. She just didn't want what was coming next. And that was the point.

"I appreciate the concern. You can help me by cooperating." I had meant it in jest, knowing that it was instinctual to resist, and was surprised when she immediately stopped dragging her feet. When we arrived at the bench I let her go. She looked at her feet and fidgeted with her hands. I sat down on the bench, and, before she had time to work herself up, not knowing exactly what was in store, I took her by the forearm and drew her down over my thighs. I could feel the rapid rise and fall of her stomach as I adjusted her, tilting her down so that her fingertips rested on the barn floor and her bottom was centered on my lap. I held her in place with my left hand around the side of her small waist, and with the other hand, grabbed the hem of her long skirt.

I heard her groan in embarrassment as I lifted the skirt up and tucked the fabric into her waistband, baring her bottom. I cringed as I inspected the long purpling bruise that ran down the side of her thigh to her knee, from where she had fallen out of the chariot. I was sitting upon a similar bruise.

"Not too fun, exiting a chariot that way, huh?" I said, running my finger down the length of the bruise to check for swelling that might indicate deeper damage.

"It doesn't hurt much, now," she said, her voice tight.

"Good," I said, and pulled her waist in closer. She started breathing heavily again, and had started to squirm at my tighter grip. I knew I needed to put her out of her misery. "Now, Gabrielle, why don't you tell me why we are here."

Her response surprised me: "Do you not know?"

I brought my hand down hard on her right cheek, and watched her jerk out in alarm. Even in the dimming early evening sun, I could see the vivid handprint blanche and then immediately redden across the entire cheek. If I had learned one thing from my mother's techniques, it was that the first set of swats needed to count.

"Wanna try that again?" I said, giving the other cheek the same print.

"Ow! Xena, please. It's hard to hold a conversation here," she whined. I smacked down hard again.

"Believe me, Gabrielle, in a minute you're going to wish we had talked a little longer. Now answer me. Why are we here?"

"Because you're a...AHHHH!"

"I'd be more careful how you answer if I were you," I said, though I knew exactly what she was doing, having done it countless times myself. She was trying to steel herself for what was coming and shield herself from the embarrassment with some ill-advised sass.

"Rule number three!" she blurted, and I gave her several hard swats as a reward.

"Be more specific, please," I said, pausing. She groaned again.

"Because I followed you this morning when you told me not to."

"And why was that a bad idea?"

"Because of rule number one."

"And why do we have rule number one?"

"Because you're the boss….OWWW! Because you have experience in dangerous situations and want to keep me safe."

"Good," I said, renewing my grip again. Her bottom was now a mottled pink, ready for the main event. "I'm glad we understand one another."

She gasped as I began my assault, smacking down upon her bottom with sharp swats, not with my entire strength, but enough to make a significant impression. Her body jerked a little with each swat, but she was obviously trying to act like it didn't hurt as much as it did. She sucked in sharp breaths and would hold them for 10 or 15 seconds, until she had no choice but to blow the air out, along with a grunt of pain.

When her bottom began to turn a darker shade of pink, I moved my aim down to the tops of her thighs and let my fingers, which were starting to burn a great deal as well, wrap around her hips. She yelped and groaned in response and let her hands leave the ground to grasp my left thigh, as if trying to launch herself off my lap. I released her waist long enough to push her torso back down. She started to whimper and squirm then as my palm reacquainted itself with her bottom again, and I was impressed with the girl's stubbornness, given how much she had been dreading this. Granted it sounded like she was no stranger to this type of punishment, but still, I had been at this for several long minutes, and her skin was now a uniform dark pink, and hot beneath my hand. I knew that it was stinging and burning fiercely.

Her attempts to squirm off my lap became more frantic, and her response more vocal, despite her best efforts to remain stoic. Finally, as I I landed a few harder smacks to the lowest part of her bottom, she released a lusty cry, and threw her hand back to interfere with mine, her palm up and splayed. I decided to give her a chance to remove it herself.

"Move that hand, Gabrielle," I said. Instead, she threw the other back as well.

"No, Xena, please! That's enough! I've had enough!" I almost smiled at the strange mix of pleading and belligerence in her voice, as I removed her left hand, pulling her closer into me, and pinned the more mobile right hand to the small of her back, before resuming where I'd left off. I remembered something Mama had once said to me when I had made the mistake of telling her I'd had enough. Well, my girl, when you tell me you've had enough, that's when I know to begin. I didn't have the heart to tell her something similar, so I just continued on, focusing my swats on the area she'd feel it the most next time she sat down.

Having removed her ability to protect her rapidly heating bottom and let her know that I was in charge of when she'd had enough, Gabrielle finally gave in to the pain and started to cry, first sniffling and moaning, and then hitched weeping. It was a piteous sound that hit me right in the stomach, but it was also a sound that told me we were nearly done. It was not an angry or mournful crying, it was just honesty: it hurt. After another minute or two, her bottom was a dark enough hue that I knew she would be feeling the effects of this lesson long after we had finished, and to know that Rule number three was not a symbolic act. And yet, this first time, the fact that she was over my knee to begin with was no easy thing, and I didn't feel the need to make the deed itself overly harsh this first time. I gave her another five or six extra hard swats, after which she collapsed with sobbing, and then quickly untucked her skirt and let it fall down over her hot, swollen bottom.

She wept harder when I had stopped than before, and I reached my aching hand down to rub her back, worried that she was going to make herself sick.

"We're done, Gabrielle," I said, leaning down as she gasped for air between hitches. "Take some big deep breaths."

She took three or four slow, shuddering breaths before returning to quieter sobs.

"I'm s-s-s-so s-s-sorry, Xena," she said, "I'm sorry."

"I know you are. It's finished now," I said stroking her hair, but she buried her face in her forearm and cried harder.

"I'm sorry for being...I...I'm sorry...I- I didn't want to cry like this. I'm such a baby," she said, wailing again. I shook my head and felt a surge of both affection and irritation. Now I didn't know for sure if she was sorry for disobeying me, or for crying during her thorough bottom warming. I helped her up then, and before I knew what I was doing, when she was almost fully upright, I pulled her down into my lap.

"C'mere, kid," I said, and she clung to my neck like a small child.

"I'm sorry," she said again, and I shook my head again.

"Oh, my little bard," I said, surprised at the affection in my voice, and how much I sounded like my mother. "Do you think that I think less of you now? Or do you think I underestimate my own skills in making a point upon an errant backside? You'd be wrong on both counts. You've earned those tears, Gabrielle. You don't need to apologize for them."

I held her as she cried out her tears, rocking slightly back and forth, and realized that I was enjoying the closeness, that I needed it as much as she did after having dished out the sentence.

When I sensed she was ready again to talk and listen, I asked the question that my beloved mentor, Lao Ma, had always asked. A question that I had hated, but one that needed to be answered to ensure that the learning was complete.

"Why did you follow me this morning, even though you knew what the consequences would be?"

"Why?"

"Yes, why?

"Does the why even matter?" she said, a slight sulk in her tone. I pushed her back from my shoulders, and she grimaced as her bottom shifted beneath her.

"Look at me," I said. She lifted her gaze slowly and tentatively, green eyes red-rimmed and weary. "Understanding why we did the things we did is the first step towards restoration, Gabrielle. Trust me."

"I do trust you, Xena," she said softly, resting her head again. Endearing as she was, I knew I couldn't stop here.

"I'm glad to hear it, but don't avoid the question." I felt her sigh.

"I didn't want to be left behind, and I thought you might need me, because you were hurt. But mainly, I was just feeling upset about how you left me behind before and didn't come back. I was...I guess I was angry."

"I see," I said, and was surprised as she pulled back again, her brow furrowed.

"I know you don't want me here, and I wanted to show you that I'm not afraid of things," she said, and then her face fell, "but I am afraid."

"Gabrielle, I am perfectly capable of ridding myself of a pesky young bard. If I'd wanted you gone, you would have been gone. I'm uneasy about this arrangement and about having you around all the trouble that seems to be my constant companion, you know that, and that's why we have the rules. But I also think that there's something about you that's, I don't know, different from anyone else I've met, certainly any other young person, and I do like you. And as much as I hate to admit it, it's a lonely path I've been on here lately, and I've appreciated the company." As I finished this speech, even as I felt the awkwardness of it, I knew that it was true. I didn't know why, but it was true.

"You have?" I smiled down at her.

"Why else would I be putting up with your sorry hide?"

"My hide is very sorry, Xena," she said, squirming in my lap.

"I imagine it is."

"I'm sorry too," she said.

"So you've said, several times now. You can put those sorries away now. This can be finished between us." She nodded, wiping her remaining tears away, then hugged me again.

"You're a good person, Xena. I'm proud to be with you," she said, and her sincerity burned my skin. I sighed.

"Here I was hoping that I had beat the devotions out of you?"

"No," she said, simply. Gods help us.