Chapter 3: Cock Absorber

"I beat up all my girlfriends, too."

Dante couldn't believe she just said that, therefore he lagged behind a little. While absorbing the details of her smokin' hot form, he…he…actually, no that's about all he did just then. Well, he also vowed to bang soon, intensifying that thought when she looked back at him and smiled oh-so seductively.

"Are you okay?" she asked him, intentionally tantalizing him.

"Oh, yeah," he finally replied. Then, he caught up again and put on a genuine act, "I just hope it's never too serious, with all those…altercations."

Lightning followed the script, "It stays pretty cut and dry. I was never big on 'altercations' anyway. What about you?"

With a great quantity of sexual encounters comes a great deal of downplaying said encounters. Knowing this, Dante walked a thin line, "Nothing to brag about…most of the time." He didn't mean to say that last part out loud. Pedaling past the truth, he added, "But I am curious: at first glance, what kinda ladies' man would you peg me as?"

Lightning answered without hesitation, "The type who gets more AP than a behemoth-slayer."

Dante mostly got the gist of that phrase, but he still sputtered, "Wha-uh…hold on—what the hell is 'AP'?"

"Squeenix-talk for something offensive," Lightning answered. "Now, stop beating around the bush. You've had your flings."

Dante shrugged. "So, is that important?"

Lightning let out a light scoff. "Why would that be important?"

-X-

"And in that exact moment she scoffed, I knew without a doubt how important it was. You see, she was, at the time, what I liked to classify as a 'Mid-Tier Man-Eater'. I confirmed this information while reflecting on her levels of confidence throughout the still-developing conversation, and from the indicative examples, I gleaned that her degree of male interaction hadn't gone past one or two heartbreaks, therefore I made the strategical decision to take it slow while adapting to her changing and somewhat immature emotions revolving around sex."

"That was insane."

-X-

"Hey, you know—everyone deserves to be happy and, uh…to settle down?" Dante was spitballing.

"Is that one of your goals?" Lightning asked, cutting her eyes at his smirking face.

"Of course, but…" Damn—once again, his mouth kept moving when he meant to close it. He tried trailing off—

"But what?" Lightning asked, well, more like demanded.

"It's…a little complicated."

"S'matter? Got commitment issues?"

-X-

"Man, she was really layin' in to me," Dante reminisced.

Puzzled, Vergil said, "She literally said one thing. How is that 'laying in to you'? Was it because it was true?"

Sighing through loose lips, the devil hunter admitted, "I guess it all boiled down to that, so yeah."

"Huh—so while you were giving a scientific analysis of Lightning's sex life, I noticed the fruit was slowly unwrapping from its thorns. However, as you can see, it stopped. Perhaps we should delve deeper into your 'commitment issues'. It might help us out."

Sighing irritably, Dante said, "Look, I've never been big on marriage—you know, the house, the stupid kids, the dog, the cat, the white picket fence. That just seems stupid if it won't last."

"You're worried about ending up like mother and father?" Vergil was genuinely curious.

"Seems pretty obvious…how that could 'repeat'. Plus, back then, everyone still thought 2 was the finale. You know what happened at the end of 2, right?"

"Something similar to our current predicament?"

"Yeah. And…I never did quite figure out the specifics of my escape. Damn Capcom just cut corners—portal'd me back to the human world, no explanation."

Vergil hummed, "Hmph."

"That was also when I first saw you…as a mostly-normal-looking half-human again."

Confused, the devil in blue asked, "You saw me in the demon world?"

"You weren't actually IN the demon world." Dante smirked, fondly reminiscing that day. "I was on my bike when they lazily opened the portal for me. I drove through, of course, and the first thing I noticed was how dark the sky was. And that the only ground in sight was…this hologram road." He chuckled. "That was my first time in space."

Admittedly intrigued, Vergil ascertained, "So…Capcom decided to bring you back through outer space. I assume you drove on the Astral Road? Must've been quite the early prototype. Even I couldn't get around back then without using the old-fashioned Meteor Ferry."

"Yeah, well, I wasn't used to driving anywhere that didn't have a skyline, so seeing billboards in space was a little wild for me," Dante relayed. "And tell me why I had to lay eyes on the goofiest advertisement for anything I'd ever seen."

With a brief and blank stare, Vergil suddenly recalled which billboard his brother spoke of. Sighing, he lamented, "Oh…right, that."

Since it was an embarrassingly corny image from long ago, a description of it shall in no way, shape, or form be provided here or anywhere—

"Why were you standing in front of a classroom with one foot up on a desk?" Dante recalled with hysterical euphoria. "You even had your coat thrown over your shoulder, like you were trying to appear 'less imposing'!"

Verge grumbled, "Please, lose all memory of that advertisement…"

"And the best part—that painfully forced grin you had plastered on your face! Ahahehahah—!" After a hearty laugh, Dante added, "That really helped lift my mood after 2."

Vengefully, the elder twin replied, "Glad to be of assistance. But wait…why were you in such a mood during that time?"

"You know, because 2 sucked so bad."

"Surely, everyone knew that, but there seemed to be something else going on with—"

Dante snapped, "Look, weren't we talkin' about my commitment issues?! Let's focus, man!"

One brow powerfully raised in curiosity, Vergil said, "As you wish. You were saying you didn't want to end up like mom and dad."

Dante shrugged. "Hm…ah, I guess that's the extent of it. Anyway, then I told Lightning…"

-X-

"Well, who doesn't?" Dante deflected, feeling more attacked than aroused. "Can't fault me for being human."

Lightning replied, "True, but having courage is being human, too."

After having his trump-card thoroughly blown out of the water, Dante found himself on the cusp of defeat. But then, Lightning coaxed him:

"Well, are you just gonna stand there? I thought you were on PR duty."

Screw it, he got defeated. Resuming their trek, Dante said, "Ah, man. You're pretty intense, Lightning."

She bluffed, "It's just a normal conversation to me." Noticing Dante was visibly struggling to riposte with anything halfway witty, she dialed it back to cordial, asking him, "Have you stayed in Capcom all your life?"

Shaking the dizziness out his head, the devil hunter replied, "Most, not all." He felt his voice about to crack. "I—ahem—I've visited Marvel every now and then, uh…took a trip to Atlus once. Actually, yeah, I have been to Bandai Namco plenty of times. Other than that, I don't have a whole lotta time to travel."

"Unless it's for a job," Lightning concluded. "Your jobs don't usually take you outside of Capcom, do they?"

"Nah, nah. Way more demand in the C. Only time I ever really leave is for a paid promo."

"Oh, well…I'm just discovering how nice it is to travel to other worlds. I got my Astral Road installed about a month ago."

Upon hearing 'Astral Road', Dante perked up. He chuckled, saying, "Must be nice. Square must pay you the big bucks."

"Ugh, you have no idea…" Lightning realized a little too late what her tone sounded like.

"Wow—you make it sound like a bad thing!" said an astonished Dante.

Shaking her head, Lightning dared to amend her attitude, "No, I mean I'm thankful! Just feels like I'm being overused…"

Dante's mind went to specific places. "Wait, what do you do for money, again?"

The former Guardian Corps veteran deadpanned hard enough to flatten oxygen. "Not what you're thinking."

"Oh, yeah? What am I thinking?"

"Something perverted, I'm sure."

"What? No way…! Well, now that we're both thinking it—" He abandoned the hell out of that ship. "Kidding, so what's your occupation?"

"Basically a spokeswoman, a paid icon. I model clothes, do photoshoots, magazine covers—I'm even going to sponsor a perfume brand soon…" Lightning rolled her eyes. "And much, much, much more after that."

Impressed, the devil hunter stated, "Well, one, that makes perfect sense, given your…credentials. And two—when can I get your autograph? Didn't know I was in the midst of a celebrity!"

"Ughff—please, don't call me that!" Lightning admonished. "You just…pretend like I'm an average local for the time being."

"Oh, like the girl next door? Got it."

And thus, more flirtatious banter transpired, with some sprinkled-in horseplay to keep them energized. As they approached Kuro Soba, Dante learned that Lightning wasn't just a celebrity, but also the main Superstar of her own Square-Enix-concocted adventure. And said adventure had just been publicized literally three months ago.

"Okay, so…what's your game called?"

She told him, "Final Fantasy. Apparently, it's the thirteenth one."

"Thirteenth…?" No, that couldn't have been the one with Tifa.

"Well, here's my village. It was nice talking to you Dante."

Dante mused internally, Well, I'll be go-to-hell. I don't want her to leave. Scratching his head, he said, "Right…uh, so I'll—"

"I'll see you—"

"—see—yeah, I'll see you whenever, I guess. Maybe I'll clock out early and send you a smoke signal?"

"A smoke signal…?"

"…Fireworks?"

"Are you saying you want to hang out tonight, Dante?"

He finally shot straight. "Yes."

"I should be settled in by tennish. Maybe we can go on a hunt together."

Dante's eyebrows went High Time. "You want to hunt at night?"

"Sure, if you're up to it."

"Yeah…I can give it a shot."

"Fat Chocobo. You have my number."

He went from being ignored, to reeling her in, to getting slightly emasculated, to genuinely finding her intriguing, and then to the possibility of testing her skills tonight. Everything was definitely on schedule, and if he remained punctual, cheeks should be beat within a matter of days.

And when she walked away, she couldn't hear Dante say, "Swor-Tric-Swor-Tric-Swor-Tric-Sword…"

-X-

"Haha," Vergil laughed sarcastically. "Too bad you still haven't gotten laid yet."

"Ugh, then let me tell a different story. It gets a little complicated after that part."

"Oh? Did something happen between the two of you?"

"No, I just can't really remember it that well. Maybe a quick story about me and Lady will jog the memory?"

-X-

"Yeah, I'm gonna need some fresh green peppers on that, hold the olives," Dante ordered over the phone.

Lady requested, "Add spinach."

Dante stuck out his tongue—

-X-

"Hold on. Before you get into it," Vergil stopped the storytelling, "I've always assumed you met Lady before meeting Trish, correct?"

Dante nodded, "Yeah, that's right. So?"

"So, I understand this next story's about Lady, but eventually, I want you to explain yourself about Trish."

Though he kinda-sorta already knew, Dante casually asked, "What's there to explain?"

"Don't play clueless with me. I want to know if you're boning a lookalike of our mother."

"Whoa. Boning? No. Have boned in the past? Hard yes."

"Oh, sweet devilhood—"

"Look, I obviously thought it was weird at first, too—"

"Oh, that's obvious?"

"Shut up. But man, she's got a rockin' body, great skills with a sword and guns, uh…an electric personality—?"

"Kill me now. I'm guessing you just couldn't resist, could you?"

"Look, do you wanna hear that story or the one with Lady?"

Sighing, Vergil demanded, "Tell me how you entered the Oedipus."

Dante scoffed.

-X-

"Make that a double pepperoni, garlic butter on the crust, please," Dante ordered over the phone.

Trish requested, "Add mushrooms."

Giving the thumbs up, Dante added, "Mushrooms, too."

After concluding the order, Dante hung up and said, "Sorry I waited too long. I know you really wanted to see that movie with the snow dogs—"

-X-

"Hold on—both these stories start off with you ordering pizza?"

"Yeah. Now, quit interrupting me!"

-X-

Trish rolled her eyes. "I told you, we can see it next weekend. Did you ever get your TV fixed?"

Dante shook his head. "Nah. Magazines still work, though."

"I bet. Well, I'm gonna take off this mini-dress since we're being boring tonight."

"Knock yourself out," Dante permitted, already deeply engrossed in the latest issue of Bikes N Babes.

Trish made her way over to the bedroom that they sometimes shared. As planned, she threw off the black mini-dress and stood before the closet, eyeballing the usual leather outfit she wore on and off work. Then, she noticed Dante's seldom-worn white button-up shirt.

Back in the office space, Dante was super deeply engrossed in the article about Chun Li's lifestyle when Trish reentered, taking a seat on his desk while stealing his magazine.

"Why do you even still read this junk? This is ninety percent 'Babes' and ten percent 'Bikes'."

"Uhhh…"

"And that's if you don't count the ads. You might as well tape some motorcycle photos to a Playboy."

"Yeah, speaking of Playboy—is this an audition?! Like, what the hell…?"

Delighting in Dante's awkwardness, Trish scooted directly in front of him and opened her legs, like excessively, wildly far apart. She told him, "Loosen up! You act like you've never seen a boob before."

Yes, Dante could indeed see her breasts, as she had entered the room wearing only her panties and the white shirt, which was currently tied up on her head like a turban.

"Oh, man," Dante exhaled, placing the picture of Eva face-down.

"Oh, yeah. Her." Trish sounded half-weary. "Don't tell me you still feel weird about it."

"Yeah, a little!" Dante told her boobs.

"Do I have to remind you we've made out about nine or ten times before, we've literally slept in the same bed, and I've seen you nude before?"

On the edge of defeat, he asked, "Your point?"

"Clearly, we can fuck, Dante!" Channeling some logic, she added, "It's pretty obvious I'm not your mother. I'm not human, I'm not frail—I don't even act like her. But whatever, if you wanna keep beating around the bush—"

"Heheh, phrasing," Dante chuckled at that.

She kicked him; sliding backward in his chair until hitting the wall, Dante stood up, deeply offended. "You're gonna wish you never did that."

"What are you gonna do about it?"

He lunged forward and sent a spinning kick in her direction. She flipped over his head, letting him sail past the desk until he landed on the other side.

Dante turned around just in time to see Trish beelining it from the air, and he found himself tackled on the oddly placed couch. With his hands, legs, and pelvis pinned down, he simply awaited his punishment.

Then, Trish asked, "How 'bout now?"

"Yes."

Behold, they made-out like wild ferrets. Dante practically tricked out of his casual attire while Trish got rid of the shirt-hat, also flinging her panties across the room. Claiming authority, the son of Sparda was cordial about it, enacting some tantalizing contact with just the tip before he went in to seal the deal. Finally, he slid it in, officially making sure Trish's walls were featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry series.

"Oh, yes!" Trish seemed to be enjoying it.

Then, Dante remembered pizza was on the way. "Fuck…" he muttered for more reasons than one.

So, anyway, he kept strokin', playing a deadly game of holy-shit-the-pizza's-coming. And after he'd adequately slayed the cat, thoroughly taxed that ass, and affectionately empowered those titties, Dante finally saw less of his mother and more of Trish's own personality in the swearing blonde currently riding him, and also when she rode him in reverse, and then over and over again every time she did the sex-thing.

She got winded, leaning back on her white-haired lover, who began dotting her neck with vampire-approved titillation. Thus, she ripped off her choker so he could obtain better access—

A knock at the door.

"Dammit," Dante muttered against her neck. Of all the Friday nights, delivery had to be on time for this one.

"Oh—the pizza!" Trish whisper-yelled.

"Agh, what to do…"

"I can go get it…?"

"Uh…make it quick."

She hopped off his dick, put on Dante's green wind breaker, and went to answer the door, cracking that fucker open while hiding most of her body, which was definitely still naked from the waist down.

Sounding nervous, the pizza guy said, "Uh, twenty six eighty."

"Here, keep the change." Then, Trish looked back at Dante. "You got three whole pizzas?"

"There was a special," he said with a shrug, and also a pillow over his junk.

"Yeah, I'm gonna need some help getting all this in…"

"Agh, dammit."

Dante hopped up, pillow over ding-a-ling, and proceeded to open the door slightly wider so he could one-handedly accept the delivery, cheesing as he said, "Thanks, partner!"

Looking stoned out of his mind, Mack, the mummy dude from Captain Commando, shook his head and said, "Sure thing, Dante."

After closing the door, Dante looked between the stack of pizzas and Trish.

She said, "This decision shouldn't be hard."

Smirking, he repeated, "Decision?"

Seconds later, he was hitting it doggystyle, both devil hunters enjoying a hot slice of the good stuff.

-X-

"Holy hell," Vergil grumbled. "How long have you been combining sex and pizza?"

"I think the first time I did that was with Lady," Dante recalled. He also remembered, "Eh, but it was microwaved."

Sighing, the elder twin informed, "Well, the fruits' vines haven't moved any further."

Dante sighed as well. "Great."

Vergil knew the next course of action should be to explore that part of Dante's life. He seemed cagey about it earlier, but Vergil figured Dante should be ready to discuss it when the time was right. Perhaps some hunger and boredom would do well to motivate him.

Shrugging, Vergil asked, "Did you finish on her?"

"Yeah—I almost forgot to pull out." Shaking his head with a chuckle, he said, "That was one of the few times I neglected protection. I've never even slept with Lady without a condom."

"Huh."

There was a pause, nothing but the sound of hellish ambiance filling their ears. They just stood there on the branch, watching the fruit more-or-less intently.

Vergil then asked, "What movie did you two see?"

"Ah…pretty sure we ended up seeing Kung Pow."

"Hm. Never heard of it." The vines twitched.

"It was a pretty dumb movie. I think I loved it."

"So…that happened after my defeat as Nelo Angelo?"

"Yeah." The vines twitched again.

Just then, Vergil grew weary of the foolishness. "All right—tell me why you were such a statue in 2! If you want to eat a somewhat filling morsel, then you'll get over your weak little feelings and spill it!"

Dante sighed. "Look, there was nothing wrong, okay. That's why it ain't worth talking about."

Going Kick 13 on the egg shells, Vergil snapped, "Then, just talk about it! Pretend like we're in Hell with nothing better to do!"

"Nothing to talk about, Vergil! I was my normal self, as far as anyone should care!"

"Everyone in existence knows there was something wrong with you—but, whatever, brother. I look forward to killing you while you're on the edge of starvation."

Dante sighed irritably, glaring at the fruit. "It's not that important, Vergil."

Disregarding that ostensibly false statement, Vergil took a deep breath, and then he gave his monologue, "I had a great deal of baggage that felt unimportant to me, as well. My mind had been freed from Mundus's control thanks to the very person I hated most, and all I could think about was death and darkness. I never could understand why you were so powerful, how you could have such weakness, like love for humans, and still hold more strength than me." Vergil shook his head. "It took me a long time to figure out the absence of weakness wasn't actually the path to ultimate power. It was when I was a full-fledged demon, having just eaten the fruit of the Qliphoth, and you still bested me that I learned this lesson the hard way."

Dante asked, "Then…what did you learn way back when? You know, when you first dealt with this stupid fruit."

Vergil answered, "That power comes from courage and wisdom. Shadow, Griffon, and Nightmare were my only companions, and all three taught me how to look within for my own power."

Slightly confused, Dante requested clarification, "Wait…that was almost twenty years ago, right? How'd you end up back in the Demon World…you know, canonically?"

"Well, it was when—wait a minute, we're talking about your stupid problems, not mine—!"

"Well, just answer that for me!"

Narrowing his eyes, Vergil seethed back, "Actually, I think I'll meditate."

"Heh."

Facing forward, Dante crossed his arms and glared. As always, a certain family member liked storming on his otherwise good mood.