Before I begin to Live

(Chexton series)

Chapter 4: Who am I to You?

The paper was wrinkled and worn down so much so, no one would know it was only 3 days old. He'd read it more than once, but no matter how many times he did, Ethan couldn't decide if it meant the beginning of a future or the end of a past. April had given back the ring, but as she explained, it didn't represent her feelings.

"Ethan, I want to thank you for being courageous enough to share your past (good and bad) with me and trusting me with it. I'm sure it was uncomfortable, but it gave me some insight into who you are and helps me understand you better. Now, I want to be brave too. I'll answer your questions, but I want you to HEAR me answer them face to face. However, I'm working my first surgery this week, so maybe we can get together this weekend or maybe Sunday. Either way, I'll answer all your questions then, except these two. First, I DO NOT want Crockett. I never have. Second, I DO love you and I DO want you, but the question on the table is if that's enough. Just so you know, I'm willing to see if it can be. I'm giving you back the ring, because it doesn't seem right for me to keep wearing it while we're figuring out if we have a future. However, if we decide to make it work, I want to know it was your choice- not obligation because I still had it. Now, before you let your mind go there, I WANT to have the ring, but only when you feel you can trust me with it. Not before. Although I'm not able to meet when you wanted, I hope you'll still be willing to meet at another time. I love you. April."

Ethan folded the letter, "223 now," he thought, tucking it in his pocket and starting his day.

The week had flown by. What had been 6 days of separation since their last meeting, was now reduced to the time it took to cross a parking lot. April was nervous. Did she look OK? Was she overdressed? Was she trying too hard? Did he show up? Too many thoughts to quiet down on her own. But as she was being led to their favorite table and he stood when he saw her, things went silent. His smile gave her peace and she knew he'd be in her life forever, even if it was only as a friend.

"Hi," she smiled, surprised her voice was barely a whisper.

"Hi," he responded, gently pulling out her chair. "You look beautiful." And she did. Ethan always thought she was beautiful, even in scrubs, but today she took his breath away. The emerald dress illuminated the glow of her bronze skin, but her upswept hair, exposing her neck and shoulders, took the cake.

"Thank you," she replied. "You look beautiful too." Immediately she realized how silly she sounded and they both laughed. "Sorry, I mean to say you look very handsome. You know how I feel about you and suits," she reminded with a wink. The couple cracked up and somewhere amidst the laughter, the ice broke and both were made comfortable.

After they ordered and received their drinks, Ethan thought he'd get them talking… somehow. "You said you had your first surgery this week. How'd it go?"

It did her heart good to know he remembered and he seemed generally interested. "It was good! Dr Latham said I performed well. I didn't get excited at first, but Connor told me Dr. Latham is incapable of saying something he doesn't believe, so his compliment was sincere," she excitedly answered. "Connor said I did great too. It's very exciting. I'm sure I'll learn a lot."

"That's wonderful April. I'm so glad it went well."

"Thanks, I appreciate that," April paused. "How was the rest of your week? Everything ok?"

"Normal life in the ED, but at least none of my patients died." He replied with a gentle huff.

"That's a plus," she giggled. She'd gone over what she'd say to him repeatedly, but as time went on, she wasn't sure she'd still have the guts. And with a deep breath, she began. "I guess I should start."

"I'm listening," Ethan replied, as he stopped eating.

"Well, as I said in my note, thank you for opening up. I'm sorry you had to go through so much, especially losing Cicely. I've never had to go through that myself, although I got close once. Fortunately for me, you survived. But since so much of your past helped clarify things for me, I thought I'd give you the same. Hopefully, it'll make it easier to decide how and what you feel about me. So, like you, I'll begin at the beginning." She took a sip of her lemonade and began her monologue.

"I was 4 when my parents moved us to the states from Brazil. They were both engineers, but after problems with gangs, they decided to make a new life in Chicago. Papi became an electrician and mami a math teacher. Everyone says we Sextons are thick as thieves, but for the first few years here, we were all we had. You know, immigrants weren't always welcomed by the locals, so we clung to each other. My parents were loving, but many times I felt overshadowed by Noah. Not because he was better or smarter. I was LESS, because I had the misfortune of being born female. I resented not being applauded for my achievements at home, as I was in school. My dream was to be Clair Huxtable, except I'd be the doctor," she smiled at the memory. "Over time, I accepted my dad's point of view would rule, but only until I was old enough to leave- so that became MY plan. Unfortunately, as my parents aged, Noah's success became my responsibility and medical school for me… became an afterthought. If I'm honest, I never forgave myself for betraying my dreams. I was mad at me; which is why I often sound bitter when my opinion isn't considered. Basically, rubbing salt in an old wound that never healed completely.

Ethan hadn't taken his eyes off of her. He was listening and taking everything in.

"You told me you had 4 significant relationships in your life, before me, one of which was obviously an all-consuming, mountain-top, earth shattering type of love. However, I've only had 3 significant relationships in my life- Kelly, Tate, and Dr. Ethan Choi. But only one that could shatter my world. However, in each one, I wasn't a perfect fit, not enough and not what they wanted." Ethan tried to explain and respond but April waved him off.

"Please don't. I need to show you the same respect and be brutally honest, like you were with me," she stated sipping more lemonade. "As you know, I met Kelly when we were in high school. I wasn't popular like him, but he made me feel special. Kelly was supportive of my dreams, declaring I'd still be loved even if I was a doctor. He'd tell me I was beautiful, and his face said he felt that way. The summer before senior year, he came to live with my family, and I thought we were good. But when we started school, he acted as if I didn't exist. He'd pretend he didn't know me or would make fun of me with his friends. I wasn't good enough to be his girl or his friend. Even on my birthday, he said he planned to take me to the Eminem concert, but never showed up or called. I felt like something was wrong with me, as if I wasn't good enough. So, once I got my nursing degree, I moved to California. It allowed me to get away while working to help the family save for Noah's medical school. Years later, he explained his actions were about his parents' breakup, not me, but it was too late. The damage to my self-esteem had been done. Afterwards, I realized I didn't connect with WHO I was anymore, so I traveled the world for the next 18 months. Once I returned to Chicago, and Med permanently, I just let whatever God wanted for me to just come. That's when I met Tate."

Ethan hadn't ever really understood why April never pursued medical school nor put herself first, but now he was beginning to understand.

"I'd been conditioned to care for others, so much so, I think I subconsciously assumed I wasn't worthy of being a priority. Then Tate gave me something I always thought I wanted- to be taken care of. However, what I found was he was willing to prioritize me, as long as I was willing to be the part of me he liked. He didn't want the independent, strong, working woman. He wanted me to be a housewife," April grimaced. "There's nothing wrong with being a housewife, but it should've been my decision. And after seeing my mom settle, it seemed unacceptable. Yet, I was so desperate to have something, I tried it for months. I could be loved as long as I was NOT my full self. Then we got pregnant, I got TB, and lost the baby. The loss of the relationship, though sad, didn't really phase me. But the baby…." Her eyes were watering up as she turned away from Ethan, but continued after a hard swallow.

"You see, up until that point, I was a woman who didn't get what she wanted. But when I found out I was pregnant, at least one part of my life was working. I had an acceptable relationship, I enjoyed my work, and now I was going to be a mom. But then that was taken away and once again just ME wasn't good enough." Ethan reached out and held her hand, as she smiled weakly.

"Thanks," she whispered shaking off teary eyes. "Earlier, I told you I only had one earth shattering relationship." April looked squarely at him and held his hand between hers. "You." His raised eyebrows let her know this was news to him. "You didn't know?" Ethan shook his head. "Well, you were a surprise. I thought you were the typical arrogant, pompous "doctor"; which was true some of the time. But you were also dependable, honorable, strong and your authoritative tone would send a certain shiver down my spine," she smirked. "You weren't intimidated and challenged me. Although you made it clear I was just a nurse, there always seemed to be respect there, and that was new for me. We became friends and eventually I fell hard for you. I could be ALL OF ME, without worrying I was doing something wrong. As a matter of fact, the day you laid into me about coddling Noah, I thought, 'I wish I had a man like that.'"

"Really?! You basically cussed me out and told me to F- off," he chuckled.

She had to laugh. "I know. You know how it is- I can talk about my family, you can't. Then we got together, disagreed, argued, and fussed. Nevertheless, I always felt heard and appreciated… like you cared about what made me happy. But when you sided with Emily, I felt like I wasn't really important to you and that hurt more than I could explain. On the other hand, we were friends, and because I loved you, I was unsuccessful in ignoring you, and once again you were a major part of my life. I realized being with you, no matter the position, was enough for me to feel like I was living my dream. It was enough! Then you almost died from cyanide exposure, and my world started to crumble. My life didn't work without the man I loved, so I ran back into the ED, and waited by your side as long as I could. But when I came to the ICU, Vicki was there and I figured I must have been the only one who felt that way. Then you accused me of being petty, jealous, and a murderer. So, there's that." Ethan dropped his head in shame. "Fortunately, though, we found our way back to each other and both wanted our life together. I was encouraged watching you handle Vincent and us working as a team at home and work. I was happy and hopeful. Then I can't get pregnant?!

Suddenly, it was like you were on a mission to 'fix it'. Though, it felt more like you were trying to fix me. And once again I wasn't enough just being ME. You were excited to have a baby and that became your focus. You monitored my ovulation cycle and diet, and ensured we made love at the most opportune times. I wanted to make a family with you, but trying to do so became too much. There wasn't any air anymore in our relationship… no fun. I was terrified one morning you'd decide you wanted someone better. Would the man I love still want me if I could never give him the family he envisioned? Would he see me differently? It hurt to know being with me could very well cost you the life YOU dreamed of and the fear made me vulnerable. The uncertainty stoked all of my insecurities- not that I couldn't be loved, but it wouldn't seem worth your time to continue to love me.

The strain continued to build and we weren't connecting. Then Crockett made a pass at me. I shut it down, but if I'm honest it felt good to be wanted as a woman, not a womb. To know I was desirable, just as I was… I'm ashamed to say I needed it. Then Dr. Patchefsky told me the likelihood of getting pregnant was less than 5%, and I left her office distraught, only to run into Crockett. His concern was about me, not about what I could or couldn't give him. At that very moment, I needed to feel wanted and worthy, so I kissed him… that's all. Nothing more." She couldn't ignore Ethan removing his hand from hers.

"I'm not making excuses. I was wrong and it cost me your love, trust… and possibly your friendship. But you should know it wasn't anything you did. It was all me. I should've come to you about how I was feeling, since you were the one in the relationship with me. I should've valued us as a team more than trying to prove I was enough as is- with all my flaws, disabilities, and issues." Ethan couldn't sit there and let her take all the blame.

"April, it wasn't just you. I didn't tell you how I was feeling either. I focused on having a baby, because I DID want to give you the dream life. However, in doing so, I didn't let you know YOU were my dream- my enough. And as is typical, I didn't realize my error until we were apart. When I considered my life without you, it was unthinkable."

"Thanks Ethan, but it was my fault and I AM sorry. But based upon your letter, are you sure I'm your dream? I mean I often wondered if I was a replacement for Vicki, but maybe it was Cicely." The doctor started to explain. "No, I'm not blaming you. Having a life changing love is beautiful and you're fortunate to have experienced something so great. However, I can't lie, it does make me wonder. How can you be sure I'm the one you want and not the one you're settling on?

Now to answer your questions. No, I don't want Crockett and never did. He was simply a boost to my low self-esteem, when I felt the most inferior and inadequate. I LOVE you and want you, but I'm not sure if you shouldn't find someone else. I know a life with you is what'll make me happy, with or without kids. Our love made all the joy and pain worth it, but I love you enough to not be selfish." Ethan's willingness to own his part, while reaching to comfort her, reminded April why she loved him.

"I want the best for you Ethan. I'm just not sure I'm that person. Are you?"