Why is it so hard to accept the party is over? - SZA

(CW: s*lf h*rm)

I've been standing in the road for almost an hour. Partygoers have finally started to disperse. My cheeks are stained with black and blue makeup. There's a sinking feeling in my stomach. All of this was for me?

When I think of the man I want to be with, I think of a handsome guy. I want someone who takes care of me and chooses me without hesitation. I want someone who knows me better than I know myself. I want someone who looks at me and fall in love all over again. I never wanted this. I wanted to be a perfect princess. I don't wanna be the girl ugly crying after the party.

A hand on my shoulder snaps me back into reality. Mal is beside me now with Ben, ready to walk home.

"Where is he?" I choke out.

"Carlos is with Jay. They're still cleaning up." Ben answers.

"I— I wanna see him. I need to talk to him." My hands start to shake, trying to make sense of the scene I caused earlier.

"Evie," Mal interjects. "We need to walk you home. You can talk to Carlos tomorrow."

I don't even try to fight it. He doesn't want to see me. I wouldn't want to see me either. The walk back to Auradon Prep is fairly quiet. Mal tries to cheer me up by asking about my new lip kit. I ignore her. She and Ben drop me off at our dorm. I ask her to stay with Ben for the night. I just need the space. The light from my vanity amplifies the ugliness covering my face. The coldness of the makeup wipes make my face a little less red. I haven't cried this hard since I left home.

Pajamas are next on my to do list. I throw on a big t-shirt with sweatpants and start on brushing my hair. The girl I see in the mirror isn't anything like the one I took to the party tonight. This Evie, the one with a bare face, glasses, and sweatpants, isn't the one that boys want. This Evie is the one that wants explore Auradon, eat ice cream, and be a normal girl. The other Evie is put on this pedestal.

"Teach me how to do my makeup like yours, Evie!"

"Design a dress for me, Evie!"

"You're so pretty! I wish I was like you!"

"You're almost at 10K on Princestagram!"

"You're gonna marry a handsome prince! Every guy wants you! You could have any guy you want!"

A loud knock on the door pulls me out of my head. I sit in silence for a moment before setting my hairbrush down. Reluctantly, I open the door. Carlos stands before me, still dressed in his party outfit. My hand pushes the door forward, attempting to shut it on him. He sticks his foot out, catching the door.

"Leave." I plead.

"No." He says. "I needed to see you, Evie."

"No, Carlos…"

Hot tears hit my bare face. Oh no, not again.

"What the fuck do you even want?" My voice shakes. He knows I don't mean it.

Carlos steps inside my room. Stepping away from the door, I sit in the furthest corner of the room. He can't see me like this. Our body language is hostile. Neither of us want to be here.

"I'm just gonna get to the point, Evie." Carlos starts. "I have wanted you to be my girlfriend from the moment I met you. You're beautiful an—

"No, nooo, no." I moan. "You don't get to do this. You don't like this version of me. You've never liked this version of me."

Tears begin to pour out of my eyes. I can't pretend to hold it in anymore.

"You don't like me at all. This Evie just wants to be a seamstress and marry a nice guy that loves and respects me and treats me like a princess. You want the Evie that I have to put on and take off every fucking day, Carlos."

His face crumbles. Through my tears, it almost looks like he's crying too. I can't tell and I don't care.

"You did what I thought you wouldn't do. You put me on a pedestal. I'm exhausted. Having to make the perfect social media post, dating 'perfect' guys, being the perfect girl… I hate it! I HATE who I am when I go to those parties! I hate that you thought you had to impress me like that because you don't. I've never wanted to be this girl. My mother wants me to be this girl. I can't help that I'm good at this stuff. I just want to be this Evie, all the time." My throat hurts from all the crying.

We sit in silence for a few minutes before I lift my head again. Carlos is crying. Shit. Both of us just stare at each other. For a moment, I think he really sees me. I almost feel naked being this vulnerable. The silence continues and I wipe away more tears before.

"Evie," His breath drops. "That's not fair."

His message hits me with a ton of bricks.

"It's not fair? Do you think I give a fuck?" I scoff. "Do you think I give a fuck about what's fair to you? It's not about you, Carlos. I'm not a fairytale. I'm a girl. A living, breathing girl."

"Evie, I'm sorry. I'm just…" He scratches the back of his neck before looking back at me.

"I don't even like myself."

My feet direct me over to the bed where Carlos is sitting. My head aches from crying too hard. I just want to sleep.

"I just want to go to bed, Carlos." My face is sticky from the tears. I'll have to do my whole skincare routine over.

Carlos removes himself from the bed. My head hits my pillow and I bring my knees to my chest. I hope that he just lets himself out. I need him to leave. There's pressure behind me on the bed. I feel Carlos behind me. In an instant, his lips graze my forehead. I don't even get upset by it.

The door shuts a few moments after. My temples are pounding. I climb out of bed and sit in front of the vanity again. Redoing my skincare, I watch the brush glide through my hair. Puffy eyes and patchy skin greet me through the mirror. I cock my hand back and throw the hairbrush against the mirror. Watching it shatter brings me so much joy. It's almost cathartic.

I don't even try to grab my brush. My eyes graze the glass shards. My hands lay on top of the glass and I snatch the biggest piece. I drag it across my arm, piercing the skin. I let out a gutting scream.

"EVIE!"

My body freezes as I watch Mal and Ben in the doorway. They both run over but all my eyes can focus on is the blood pouring out of my right arm.

"He saw me. He really saw me." I say.

Ben wraps my arm with so many towels and Mal calls Fairy Godmother. My breathing slows quickly. The room starts to become blurry.

"What are you talking about, Evie?" Mal's voice becomes frantic. "Who?"

"He put me on a pedestal. He's just like every other guy." I huff.

"EVIE, WHO?" Mal begs.

"Fucking Carlos…"

My eyes flutter before they close. All I hear is Mal's voice calling my name out before I hear absolutely nothing. My breathing slows more and more. I start to make peace with it. Mal and Ben call out my name and tell me not to give up. I don't listen. I don't want to keep pretending. I'm finally free.