Monday morning was rough. It made no exception for Ritsuko. If anything, she was even more fatigued than usual. Her weekend was unpredictable; for the first time, Gendo had begun demanding encounters outside of working hours.
This resulted in the usual period she had reserved for selfcare to be thrown away, with her being forced to prioritize looking attractive and being available. Why do I put up with him? She wanted to decline his requests, to end their relationship, and stop seeing him. But she knew she couldn't.
It's not like love was preventing her from breaking away. There was nothing romantic between them anymore. And the sexuality had long ago lost its appeal to the doctor. The reason she couldn't separate from Gendo was because she was trapped, her cognitive dissonance perpetually looping.
Between her contributions to the human instrumentality project, her caretaking of the Magi, the Evas, and the various shells of Rei Ayanami, she was tied so deeply with the man that trying to separate from him would mean a drastic consequence.
Worst case scenario, she'd be thrown into a cell by NERV intelligence, forced to endure interrogation after interrogation at his discretion. That was a fate she couldn't stomach. And even if Gendo let her leave – which was unlikely, given her direct involvement in so many critical projects – where would she be?
She was intelligent, and well educated, but every position she had ever held had been under that man. She'd be unable to list anything classified on a resume. Who would hire a thirty-year-old woman with no references, and a degree from a decade past?
This didn't stop her from fantasizing, though. There were many scenarios Ritsuko imagined in which she somehow escaped NERV, either landing herself the perfect job far far away, or falling in love with a person of her dreams that was capable of supporting her.
As she swiped her card at the entry gate, she was wrapped up in one of these said fantasies, too distracted to notice the young woman in front of her. Maya had her back turned, and was moving awkwardly as she carried two large cases of computer hardware.
Ritsuko continued to walk forward, expecting the girl in her peripherals to remain in one place. But she didn't, rapidly shifting to ensure the containers stayed balanced. The blonde didn't have time to move, and crashed straight into her, toppling them both over.
Cushioning her impact on the cold stone floor broke part of the skin on her hand. She sat up, cursing, as Maya looked at her with wide eyes. "Oh, Doctor! I'm so sorry, I didn't see you!" She didn't reply. This is not how I wanted to start my day.
"Here, let me help you up." The lieutenant courteously extended a hand, and she took it, raising herself off the floor. She was going to speak, before the contents of the boxes distracted her.
She knew they were pulled from storage, as they were filled with legacy hardware. Most of it was diagnostic equipment with a myriad of sensors. There were even components Ritsuko didn't recognize. "What the hell is all this, Maya?"
The tone indicated she was very annoyed. "Oh! Commander Fuyutsuki wanted me to bring all this up for you." "For me? I don't follow." Maya slowed her speaking, anticipating she'd provoke an angry reaction.
"I think, um, he wanted you to, ugh…" "Spit it out, please." "He wanted you to perform a level four diagnostic! On Balthasar. And the other Magi. But Balthasar first." Ritsuko paused for a moment, taking a deep breath.
"Are you joking?" The girl shook her head frantically. "N-no…" And with that, she snapped around, strutting to the elevator. She didn't care that she had left Maya alone to struggle with the heavy boxes.
A level four diagnostic? A fucking level four diagnostic? It's Monday morning! She squeezed her damaged hand, balling a fist up as the elevator rose. This is going to take me all day! What if there's an angel attack? What do we do then, with the Magi in diagnostic mode?
The question was rhetorical. She knew very well Gendo was able to predict the next visit of God's messengers, though she had no idea how. He wouldn't have their supercomputing complex taken apart unless there was zero risk.
Ritsuko kicked her heel into the wall of the elevator. She couldn't prove that he was directly responsible. As it stood, Kozo had ordered the diagnostic. But she could almost feel Gendo's cold hatred behind the assignment. He wants me to work my ass off all damned day. I know it!
A few minutes later, she walked into ops wearing a cold expression. Misato smiled at her, lowering her coffee to speak. "Someone's a little late today." Her comment was ignored as Ritsuko pushed past her. "Geez, no good morning?"
Finally, she got a response, packaged with an angry glare. "Piss off." Immediately, the doctor ducked out of the other side of ops, descending to where the Magi were housed. Misato tried to process the encounter. What's her problem? I thought we were getting along…
She found herself growing concerned about Ritsuko's disposition again. The doctor seemed more on edge each day that went by, and ordinarily she was in good spirits after the weekend. Maybe I should chat with Commander Ikari about it?
Her thoughts were interrupted as Maya stumbled into the room, trying to carry two oversized containers. Two of the staff members immediately shot up to help her. "Hey, Maya." "Captain! Excuse me. This is going next door."
Misato nodded, watching with an entertained look on her face as the officers struggled to haul the hardware through the tight personnel doors. She didn't have much to do that day until Rei and Shinji arrived for calibration testing, so she decided to visit the commander in his office.
Priming the buzzer on the door, it glowed green, indicating she was allowed in. Gendo and Kozo were discussing something in hushed tones at the desk as Misato entered, and they both turned around to face her.
"Captain Katsuragi." "Hello, commanders." She bowed pleasantly. Kozo smiled at her, before walking past her and out of the room. "What is it?" Gendo already seemed disinterested before she spoke. "Apologies for the impromptu visit, sir. But I have some concerns."
"Regarding?" Alright, here we go… "Dr. Akagi." He looked away from his computer screen, apparently intrigued by the namedrop. "Elaborate, if you would." His tone and expression gave away nothing.
How do I put this without making Ritsuko look bad? "She's been, erm, a little erratic lately." "Erratic?" "I mean unpredictable, I suppose. She seems very stressed." "It's not your place to comment on her performance, captain. You work in different departments."
"I-I know. And I'm not. This isn't a professional comment, more of a personal one. She appears to be overworked, or something along those lines. I just wanted to…" Gendo closed his hand, cutting her off.
"Do not waste my time with discussions of a personal nature, Katsuragi. If you are worried about your friend, talk to her. Not to me." What an asshole… "R-right, of course. Sorry, commander." She left the office then, feeling worse about the situation.
She got no new information from the chat. If Misato did learn anything, it would be that Gendo apparently had no regards for his staff, so long as they were performing efficiently. Fuck. How am I gonna talk to Ritsuko? She's not ever gonna tell me if she needs help…
The rest of the day was spent without seeing her. Not once did the doctor pop back up into ops. Not even to manage the Eva readouts during the testing. Ritsuko's wellbeing began to slip from her mind, and within a few hours, she had mostly forgot about it.
As headquarters was wrapping up for the evening, Misato once again remembered her friend. She hadn't seen her leave. Rits must still be working down there. She waved a goodbye to the last member on duty, Hyuga, before passing through the other side.
To her surprise, one of the Magi computers was raised. She could tell from where she was that the access panel was open too. "Balthasar's still up? Ritsuko! Where are you?"
Her call echoed, with no response. So she descended down to the floor of the room, looking around the computers. "Are you down here?" Is she working inside the thing? Good lord, it's so late…
She planted herself right at the mouth to the entrance of the Magi. "Ritsuko! Are you in here?" Though she got no response, she did hear something. It was like a whimper, coming from down inside the computer.
"Hello?" It sounded like weight shifted inside. She shook her head. Misato hated tight spaces, but clearly someone or something was hiding in the computer. And she still needed to find her friend.
"Alright, I'm coming in!" Bending down, she crawled within the Magi. The air was actually a good bit hotter inside, because of all the compute applications the machine was being used for.
A few feet inside, Misato could make a sound out. Someone was breathing heavily, still further down the access tube than what she could see. It was creepy. "Who the hell is in here!?" Again, no response. But she could definitely hear it.
I really don't wanna do this… She crawled in deeper, and deeper still, eventually coming to a bend in the path. The sound was even louder now. Popping a small flashlight out of her belt, she activated it, intent on seeing further in.
What met her as the light turned on was horrifying. Misato screamed, before stopping herself. Just around the bend, Ritsuko sat, huddled and shaking back and forth within the giant computer. She was stripped down to her undershirt, which was visibly drenched in sweat.
The doctor didn't look at her. She didn't even acknowledge her. She was just swaying idly, hyperventilating and mumbling something to herself. "Ritsuko!? What the hell? Are you alright?"
She was ignored. It was very clear her friend was not alright. But Misato kept it together, like she always did when under pressure. She must've had a panic attack inside the Magi. Poor girl. She had little space to maneuver, but she got up to Ritsuko, grabbing her hand.
"Rits? Can you hear me? Hey!" Her friend finally made eye contact with her, and though she was still refusing to speak, she nodded. "Okay, come on. We're gonna go this way, alright?"
Continuing to hold her hand, Misato moved backwards, using her legs to push herself. To her relief, Ritsuko followed without resistance. It was an awkward angle for them both, taking a few minutes to clear the access port of the Magi.
Finally able to stand again, Misato facilitated her friend, pulling her out the rest of the way. In the bright light of the room, it was clear how scared she was. "Hey, hey…" She hugged her, trying to stop the shaking.
"What happened in there, Ritsuko?" It took a few seconds, but the doctor looked her dead in the eyes, and spoke purposefully. "She called me a whore." "What? Who?" "My mother called me a whore."
Does she mean the computer? Misato was too afraid to ask. Her mom has been dead for years… If she's imagining her, she must've really snapped. Hugging her again, she swore under her breath. Dammit, that Gendo! What the hell is he putting her through?
"Just breathe, sweetheart. We're gonna get you home, okay?" She shook her head then. "No! I don't… don't want to go home." "Where do you wanna go, then?" The dark-haired woman had no clue how to handle the situation. This isn't Ritsuko. It's like I'm talking to a kid!
"C-can I go with you?" "With me?!" How the hell would I explain this to Shinji? "I just… don't want to go home. It's too lonely. Like in there." She pointed towards the open Magi hatch, and Misato gave in. "Sure, darling. You can go with me. Alright? Come on."
The walk out of ops had been ridiculous. Ritsuko would jump at every little beep of a security system, or opening of a door. It was like she was a whole new person. Surprisingly, the two guards on duty seemed to sympathize, and didn't give them a hard time on their way out.
It was much easier getting her into the car. She stayed silent most of their drive. When they arrived at the apartment, she had begun walking on her own, not using Misato as a crutch anymore.
Shinji was very surprised to see them both as they opened the door, especially given Ritsuko's disheveled appearance. "M-Misato? Dr. Akagi?" The scary look he got from the former indicated it was no time to ask questions.
He moved aside, letting the two women pass him. "Rits, why don't you have a shower? We'll have something to eat when you get out." Nodding, she moved towards the bathroom, and when she shut the door, Misato breathed a sigh of relief.
"Oh, man…" The water turned on soon after. "Misato? What is she doing here? Why does she look so messed up?" She rubbed her temples. "I don't really know. Ritsuko's… going through something right now. You won't believe the state I found her in, back at NERV."
The boy was concerned. Even though he had only met her twice, it was rather jarring to see the woman like that so broken down. "Is there something I can do?" "Just be easy on her. And, help me whip up some dinner."
He let out a laugh, trying to lower the tension. "I made some sandwiches out of the tuna fish in the cupboard already. I think there's enough for Ritsuko, too." "Oh, you're a lifesaver, Shinji!" She gave him a hug, smiling. "T-thanks." "Not to be a bother, but could you grab me a beer from the fridge?" "Sure…"