Present Time

The repetitive ringing sound of my iPhone as it waited for the person on the other line to pick up, was causing me to freak out. The walls of my bedroom felt like they were rapidly closing in on me, and there was no way I could stop them.

Maybe it wasn't the actual sound of the ringing, but rather the person on the other end of the call.

"Hey babe."

The voice quickly brought my attention back to the phone that was now beginning to slip out of my trembling hands.

"Hi Tyler. Uh, I need to talk to you about something important," I mumbled, as I wondered if this conversation would go the way I had imagined it a thousand times before.

"Sure Kinny, what's up?"

I instantly regretted sending Jayden home after we finished packing my luggage, because her support during this call would definitely help me through it.

"So," I began, "You obviously know I'm moving to that small town in Kansas, right?"

"Yeah of course. I'm gonna miss you so much baby. But I'll call you everyday, I promise," he responded, which made my heart lurch in my chest, despite everything he put me through this past year.

I had practiced this so many times, thinking that it would be in-person rather than over the phone. If anything, this should be easier, because I didn't have to look at his face while I ended things. So why did I immediately forget everything I rehearsed for the past three weeks, as soon as I heard his voice?

"I- uh. We need to break up," I blurted out, not thinking about it. I felt my face turning red and my already trembling hands were now shaking uncontrollably.

"What the fuck Kinsely?!" He shouted into the phone.

"Tyler I-," I started before being cut off.

"No! I put up with your shit for five months, and then I had to put up with your crying every time we had sex for the last 11 months! And after ALL that you would THINK I deserved to keep you around as my girlfriend, long distance or not, but no. You have the fucking gall to break up with me? You ungrateful little bitch!" He shouted, in a tone I knew all too well by now.

I could feel an anxiety attack quickly coming on, but it had to wait until I got off the phone. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much his words hurt me.

"Ty, I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, I just thought it was the most practical decision. I mean it's a 21 hour drive from Philly to Kansas, and you know I can't afford to fly back and forth all the time. I- this is so hard."

"You know what, go to hell. You think you won't immediately regret this as soon as you drive off to your little cow town? You will, just wait. Fuck you, you fucking bitch. And if I ever call you, you better answer within three seconds, or believe me, you won't like the consequences."

As I heard the dial tone, and the call screen disappeared, I hurled my phone across my room in frustration. I curled my knees to my chest as I leaned against the wooden bed frame, slowly rocking myself to try and calm my irregular breathing.

Shaking, sweating, my heart racing and pounding in my chest. It was the same thing whenever it happened, but to me, each attack felt like I was experiencing it for the first time.

No matter how much I tried to push it away, keep it all down, my emotions would bubble inside of me until something, big or small, triggered an attack. And apparently, my conversation with Tyler two seconds ago was enough to trigger one.

I was gasping for air, trying to fill my lungs with enough oxygen to steady my breathing, but it was no use. The worst part of my anxiety attacks was the lack of control I had when they happened.

I felt helpless, which is exactly how I felt when the incident that caused them first occurred. I hated the feeling more than anything, but it's not like I had anyone truly to help me through it.

I knew Jayden was always there for me, but I could never bring myself to tell her what was truly wrong, and how I felt.

Unless someone understood the entirety of what I experienced so many times the past year, I was sure they would never be able to help me through my pain.

Sweat was dripping down the back of my neck, but suddenly I felt colder than ever. I jumped off the bed and ran to the packed luggage lying on my floor, ready to go, and searched for the zipper in my panic.

I found it and ripped open the bag, in a desperate frenzy, focusing all my energy in finding a hoodie. I spotted a black sleeve near the bottom of the luggage, and pulled it up with no regard for the folded clothes that spilled messily all over my floor from the rough action.

I knew I was hyper fixating on something insignificant just to push away the panic I felt, but as soon as I pulled the large black hoodie over my head, a sense of calm rushed over me.

I walked over to my open window and tried to take a deep breath in. It was a shaky breath at first, but after a couple of tries, I had managed to slow my breathing and heart rate down to an almost-normal pace.

A knock on my door interrupted my thoughts, and I turned around to face my dad standing just outside my room with his car keys in his hand.

"Kinsley I'm heading ou-," he paused as his eyes turned to the clothes strewn all over my floor, and then back to my face which was obviously red and swollen from my tears, "Are you okay? What happened here? We have to leave tonight Kinsley, your stuff has to be packed and this room should be spotless, not a mess."

I shut the window in exasperation, "Why do you even bother with the preamble if you don't actually care how I'm feeling?" I sighed and crossed my arms across my chest as I turned back around to face him.

"There's no point asking me 'are you okay Kinsley?' if you just want to remind me about something or lecture me."

He had been in my room for less than 30 seconds and I was already exasperated. At least my anxiety attack had mostly passed because I would never want him to see me like that.

"I know you're upset about moving again, but that doesn't give you the right to talk to me like that," he snapped, while picking up a pair of my denim shorts that were lying at his feet.

He dangled them in the air before tossing them in the direction of the luggage on the floor, "I'm going out to get gas for the trip and when I get back, I want you ready to go."

I rolled my eyes, so tired of him already, but nodded regardless, "Fine, okay".

He jammed the car keys into his pant pocket, and started walking away down the hall.

"Shut the door when you leave!" I shouted at his retreating form. Ugh, I hated how he would come into my room when the door was closed, but leave without shutting it. Seriously, did it take that much extra effort to grab a doorknob and close a door?

I leaned out of the open window in my room, and peered outside. It was only 7:48pm in Philly, but it was already dark and raining out. It was like the weather wanted me to be miserable as I said goodbye to my best friend, and this city I had called home for longer than any other place in my life.

I stuck my body back inside and carefully shut the window behind me. I was really going to miss this room. I had so many happy memories from the past two years in here, and it felt like I would never again have a room l loved so much.

I spun around taking one last look around the now empty bedroom, wishing that my life was something other than what it was.

I hated constantly picking up and moving more than anything. No actually, I hated moving more than anything except Tyler.

I sighed, knowing there was no point dwelling on things I couldn't change. But as I slowly approached the door, ready to leave, a thought came to my mind.

I hurriedly placed my phone and backpack on the floor and sprinted down the stairs towards the kitchen. I grabbed the one knife laying on the island that we had left out for moving day, and ran up the stairs back to my room. I almost slipped on the hardwood flooring in the hallway because I was running in my socks, but I regained my balance and continued to my room.

When I finally got there, I approached and knelt down in front of the windowsill.

I took the knife and began to carve a letter 'K' into the right side of the wooden frame, making sure it wasn't too big, but noticeable enough that I could clearly see it.

Some of my memories in Philly weren't great, but this house, particularly this room, were a part of me, and I wanted a permanent reminder of that no matter where I was in the world.

I was finishing off the last leg of the 'K' when I heard a voice shout from downstairs, "Kinny hurry up your dad is ready to go and I need enough time to say bye to my bestie!"

I smiled at Jayden's words and shoved the small knife into my backpack. I swung the bag over my shoulder, put my phone in my pocket, and sauntered downstairs a lot more confidently than I felt.

I reached the door and shoved on my old Air Force 1's with an orange Swoosh that I painted a while ago. As I shut and locked the front door behind me, I spotted Jayden standing beside the drive away, holding an umbrella and a small box.

I ducked my head and ran towards her until I was sheltered under the umbrella from the cold rain that was falling harder every minute.

"I don't even know what to say right now Kinny," Jayden said as she looked at me with a small smile on her face.

"Whattt?" I feigned surprise, "You. Jayden Moore. Has nothing to say? Are feeling okay?" I put my hand to her forehead as if I was checking her temperature.

"Shut up bitch," she laughed, as she swatted my hand away.

"Oop- there she is," I grinned widely as she continued to laugh.

There was a loud knocking sound that came from the driveway and we both looked over to see the cause of it.

"Girls you need to hurry up, cause we need to get on the road now," my dad shouted from inside the ignited car he was sitting in.

I rolled my eyes and scoffed as I turned back to face Jayden, "He's picking up my life and moving it 21 hours away, and he can't wait five minutes for us to say goodbye? How am I gonna last with him in that small town all alone," I whined.

Jayden looked to me sympathetically, but with a more serious expression than before, "Listen Kinny, you are literally my sister. I love you so much and you know that if it's too bad down there you can always come back to Philly. My mom would totally let you stay with us until university, and once we get to Penn, we won't even have to worry about parents and all the drama."

I took comfort in her words, knowing I had a second option if I really needed it. But hopefully, I would be able to deal with the new town.

"Now look, I'm going to miss you so much but we can do this. Here I got you something."

She shoved the small black box into my hands. I looked up to protest because I didn't have a gift for her but she stopped me, "Don't ask questions, just open it."

I looked back down to the box and slowly pried it open, to reveal a beautifully done drawing of a ghost.

Jayden smiled at me in anticipation, and must have noticed my confused expression.

"Okay wait, let me explain. Do you remember when we first met? When the school went into lockdown because of some armed robbery down the street, and we were both in the auditorium alone... or we thought we were alone."

I smiled and nodded at the memory.

"So we both thought to go hide backstage and ended up bumping into each other in the dark?" She giggled as she recalled how scared we were.

"Holy shit I remember! And when you bumped into me I punched you just as you were punching me because we both thought it was the criminal guy!"

Jayden and I burst out laughing remembering how badly we hurt each other that day.

"And when we eventually realized neither of us was the criminal, we sat there in the dark auditorium talking about if we thought ghosts were real," she shook her head, probably thinking about how randomly our first conversation started.

"I still don't believe in them. All those ghost, alien, vampire, and supernatural stories are fiction- as in not real," I professed, knowing she would always disagree with me on that topic.

The rain around us then started coming down much harder, so I urged Jayden to continue explaining the meaning behind the drawing.

"Okay long story short," she started, "I know we've been talking about getting matching tattoos for so long, so I drew that ghost and I'm hoping you would wanna get it tattooed with me next time you visit Philly."

I looked back down at her ghost drawing, and gently placed the lid back on the box so not to ruin it.

I put the box in the pocket of my hoodie and swung my arms around Jayden's neck. She hugged me back, still holding the umbrella over us.

"Of course I do. This is the sweetest thing ever Jay, thank you so much," I said as we pulled apart.

She just smiled as if to say 'no problem'. I looked into Jayden's eyes and could tell she felt just as awkward as I felt about where this conversation was about to go.

"Okay..." I started slowly, unsure of how to say goodbye to the bestest friend I've ever had.

Jayden just grabbed onto my back and pulled me in for another hug. "I love you," she whispered.

"Okay," I replied simply, through my smile.

At this, Jayden pulled back from the hug and punched me in the arm. I feigned an injury and doubled down over myself, clutching my arm pretending I was in agonizing pain.

"Okay, go now bitch," she laughed pushing me towards the car.

I turned back around before grabbing the car door, "I love you too Jay."

She smiled at me and winked, even though she was obviously really sad.

I opened the car door, sat inside, and slammed it shut waving goodbye to Jayden, still standing in the rain, as my dad wasted no time pulling out of the driveway.

I reached for my phone and went straight to Spotify, pressing shuffle on my 'lonely depressed bitch' playlist. I put in my earbuds and looked out the rainy window dramatically, heaving a sigh and pretending I was the main character in some teen-angst-coming-of-age movie.

As I slowly awoke from my third nap of the agonisingly long road trip, I noticed we were in the middle of nowhere. Nothing but grass and farms and... cows?

Ugh, I hated it here already.

"Look out the window on your left," I heard my dad call from the front seat.

I turned my head and the last thing I saw before shutting my eyes again, was a large, old, faded sign that read:

'Welcome to Smallville'

Author's Note

ooooh, looks like we're gonna be meeting someone important soon...