CHAPTER 4: Rooftop Ninja
Karakura High School: Classroom
"...and that he sold it me absurdly high, the most transparent calumnies," Rukia reads aloud.
"What are you doing?" Ichigo asks her.
"Reading contemporary literature. That's what this class is, right?" she responds.
"That's not contemporary. Jules Verne died in like 1905."
"Are you calling me old?"
"I don't know?! That's not the point. Contemporary Literature started 10 minutes ago. You've been reading that same passage for eight hours."
"It-"
"And you've been following me the entire time. How did you even find me?"
"It annoys me!"
"So I gather."
"I just don't understand why they omitted the 'to'."
"What's it going to take to get you to stop?"
"Do my job."
"No."
"Then I'm going to leave the word 'to' out of everything I say."
"Can't you do that somewhere else?"
"No, because if you won't do my job, then you'll know my pain."
So she did. For the rest of the school day not only did she omit the word 'to' in every sentence she spoke, she deliberately sought out sentences that used it for the express purpose of omitting it.
Karakura Streets
"Since we're free do what we want, I wanted go shopping. You think I could give a normal butterfly my superiors and they wouldn't notice?"
"Maybe if I wish hard enough," Ichigo thinks to himself as he walks, "A car will hit me and send me into a coma."
In that instant, Ichigo hears a screech from somewhere up ahead and speeds up.
"Sweet embrace of oblivion, here I co-Oh," he thinks as he arrives at the source of the noise and sees Orihime on the ground.
Rukia rushes forward to help and Ichigo just kind of plods along.
"What happened?" Rukia asks as she gets close.
"Was it that hobo again?" Ichigo adds.
"No. I think it was an assassination attempt," Orihime responds.
While Rukia helps Orihime up, Ichigo digs through his bag for a business card from his father's clinic, which he offers to her while Rukia stands back and observes.
"There's a handprint on your leg!" Rukia says, shocked.
"Must have been from the car," Orihime responds, turning her leg around to look at the handprint, "I'll have to have a talk with it."
"Oh. Uh, yeah," Rukia says before turning to Ichigo.
"Ichigo, you should walk her home," Rukia whispers to him, "She might have a concussion."
"No."
"Ichigo, she thinks she can talk to cars."
"Ha! I got you to say 'to'."
"Isn't she your friend?"
"Why does everyone think that? She's not my friend. Her brother died at my father's clinic."
"What was that about? That was oddly specific information to volunteer completely unprompted."
Strange. It's almost like it was necessary for something.
"Look. I'm not getting any closer to that than I have to."
"Why? What are you scared of?"
"Stick around long enough and you'll find out."
Orihime's Apartment
Orihime walks toward her door as persistent knocking sounds on the other side.
"You don't have to keep knocking. I hear you," she says, turning the handle.
Orihime begins opening the door, and jumps back when whoever is on the other side pushes a bowl through the opening as soon as it's wide enough. Not long after the bowl, Tatsuki sticks her head through door.
"Prove it."
Kurosaki Clinic: Ichigo's Room
"Hey Ichigo," Yuzu says, poking her head through the door to his room, "Have you seen my pajamas?"
"No. Have you looked in the laundry?"
"Yeah. Can I book in your closet?"
"Huh? Oh, 'look'. Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if they were in there. Those demons steal everything they can get their hands on. I found some chickens in there a day or two ago. Looked like they'd been in a desert for three days."
They were actually desiccated because they only had Sahara Sarah's Desert Dry Ginger-Aid to drink because it's the only drink that exists in the universe until the sponsorship contract expires. He was right about the desert, though; there is one in his closet. In fact, Rukia is in there right now.
Ichigo's Closet
"I should not have come in here," Rukia says to herself as she trudged over the third impossibly large dune in the past two hours, "Ichigo was right. This place is cursed."
She had come in here in search of the Jigokuchō, but had quickly gotten lost. If the sheer size wasn't enough the air here seemed to actively induce despair, enticing anyone unfortunate enough to be trapped within to lay down and sleep for all eternity. She had abandoned her Gigai on the last dune because it was weighing her down, but even with the physical training necessary to become a Shingami fatigue is starting to set in.
"Maybe I'll just take a quick nap," she yawns, laying down on the sand until her Denreishinki starts ringing.
"God, I need a new ringtone," she says, rolling over to grab it, "That sounds nothing like a sandstorm."
Ichigo's Room
As Yuzu is walking toward closet to check in there, Ichigo hears something and stops her.
"Oh, no. A sandstorm!" he says, "I have to tell-"
Whoever he planned to tell is never going to know because the closet door bursts open, and Rukia leaps out onto Ichigo with the Gokkon Tekkō at the ready.
Yuzu is still there but since she can't see ghosts, she only sees her pajamas tackle Ichigo to the ground, then his body go limp.
"Dad, help! My pajamas are haunted again! They're trying to murder Ichigo now!"
She runs to the stairs but passes out again.
"Rukia?" Ichigo asks, "What was that-"
"No time," she says, pointing to the wall above his bed as it distorts. Within seconds, a mask appears as a Hollow emerges from wall, crashing onto Ichigo's bed and breaking it.
"Seriously?!" Ichigo exclaims, "You pass through walls but you crush my bed?"
The rules regarding interaction between the physical and supernatural worlds seem to vary wildly between inconsistent and outright arbitrary, contingent on the interaction making things harder for Ichigo. This is also why Rukia is still wearing Yuzu's pajamas despite having left her Gigai in Ichigo's closet.
Ichigo draws his sword and prepares to fight. He doesn't know where it came from, but he's just happy it wasn't stuck in him anymore.
With a warcry, Ichigo raises the blade high and charges at the Hollow, carving a trench into his ceiling.
"You have got to be kidding me. How is my wall intangible but my ceiling isn't?" he mutters, slowing down upon noticing, "Dad's going to make me fix that."
Ichigo musters up enough focus to follow through with the attack, but the distraction cost him enough momentum that the attack only cracks the Hollow's mask instead of destroying it.
As the blade slips off the mask, the Hollow lunges forward, pulling itself all the way in to reveal its snake-like bottom half and biting at Ichigo, who leaps back.
"I am Acidwire," it says because I can't remember if or when it introduces itself, but they need to know its name for a few jokes.
"Sounds like a fictional nu-metal-grunge band." Ichigo responds.
Apparently it took exception to that. The Hollow coils up and launches itself toward Ichigo who jumps into the air for a downward slash. They meet on the ground, the Hollow grabbing the blade with its hands.
"Now who's bad at this?" Rukia asks, popping open a can as Ichigo struggles with the Hollow.
"I have no experience with these things," Ichigo shoots back, "What's your excuse, shorty?"
"I'm not short!" Rukia yells, throwing the can at Ichigo who leans to one side, making it sail past him and into the Hollow.
The liquid splashes on the Hollow, the mask's crack spreading with a groan under the desiccant effects. The two disengage with backward leaps, the jostling knocking the broken mask piece loose and revealing the face beneath.
With a roar, the Hollow disappears in a blur.
"After it!" Rukia says as Ichigo just stands there, "What are you doing?"
"That...was Sora," Ichigo says.
"Really?" Rukia asks, "Wow. It's a good thing you told me who that is earlier, or that wouldn't mean anything to me."
Hueco Mundo
Acidwire roars in pain as the destroyed portion of its mask regenerates, then it disappears leaving everyone who saw this scene wondering what exactly the purpose of it was.
Ichigo's Room
"...attack a Hollow from behind and destroy its mask with a single hit."
Oh, wonderful. More exposition. Let's go somewhere else while we wait for this to finish.
Orihime's Apartment
"Prove what?" Orihime asks.
"You said earlier that you can eat things other than bread," Tatsuki responds, shoving the bowl toward Orihime, "So prove it."
"I've already survived two assassination attempts today, Tatsuki. Do you honestly think I'm going to eat food made by someone I don't even know?"
"This is my mother's-Wait, two?" Tatsuki says, "I heard about the car, but what was the other?"
"Someone left a box of Mercury-laced cookies on my doorstep. Don't know how they thought that was going to work."
"Well, anyway, my mother made this soup. Do you honestly think I would try to hurt you?"
"I'm not going to pretend to know how your mind works."
Ichigo's Room
"...and if they're allowed to linger for too long, they'll eventually Hollowfy themselves."
...
Orihime's Apartment
"I'm waiting." Tatsuki says, gesturing to the soup, which had already been distributed offscreen, "Unless you're admitting-"
"Fine. If it'll get you to stop, I'll do it."
Just as Orihime sits down, a crash shakes the apartment, spilling the soup.
"Oh, no." Orihime says with a complete lack of enthusiasm, "I guess I can't-"
"I brought another," Tatsuki says, producing another full bowl.
"...Where were you keeping that?"
Ichigo's Room
"...I think it's because-"
Oh, my God. Is this still going on?! You know what? I have an idea.
Rukia's exposition is suddenly interrupted by a mysterious whisper.
"Orihime's in danger!" she says, getting up.
"How do you know-" Ichigo starts until he himself is interrupted by a mysterious whisper telling him to please, for the love of God, stop asking questions.
Orihime's Apartment
The bowls now empty, Orihime rises to take them to the sink and, as she passes by a shelf, a stuffed bear on it suddenly falls. She turns to the bear, staring at it with her brow furrowed for several seconds, then puts the dishes on the shelf and kneels down by it, simultaneously reaching into a drawer and withdrawing a phone.
Karakura Town: Rooftops
"Why would Hollows specifically go after their family?" Ichigo asks as he jumps across rooftops on the way to Orihime's apartment, Rukia on his back. Nope. We're not doing this.
Just as Rukia starts into another exposition rant, Ichigo suddenly trips over a cable on the rooftop, falling to the ground and dropping her into a dumpster.
Karakura Town: Random House
"Honey! The cable's out again!"
"D*mn rooftop ninja always doing this in the middle of the night," Mr. Random grumbles from another room, "Alright, I'll go get the ladder."
"Hurry. The news is talking about somebody hunting vampires!"
Orihime's Apartment
Tatsuki sits at the kitchen table watching Orihime staring at a stuffed bear and dialing something into a phone.
"I guess that witch doctor was just a fraud after all," she thinks to herself, looking to the empty bowl of soup in front of her, "Maybe I can eat-"
Hearing a noise, she turns back to Orihime, who collapses onto the ground.
"Hey, are you alr-" Tatsuki is flung backward, impacting a wall. She slides to the ground then looks up, groaning.
"Whuh hap-" she slurs as she's picked up again and thrown along the wall.
"I knew it!" she croaks out as the invisible force begins pressing in on her throat, "This never happens when I eat bread! Never!"
Finally rising from her stunned state, Orihime sees the monster choking Tatsuki and reaches into a nearby drawer only for her hand to pass through it. With little time left to consider any other options, she runs at the monster and shoulder-checks it away before grabbing Tatsuki's shoulder and urging her to run.
"She can't hear you, Orihime," the monster says, "No one can."
Tatsuki can only see the outline of a hand on her shoulder and sits there, stunned, until she remembers that this isn't a horror movie so she's allowed to have common sense. Tatsuki rises and makes a break for the exit, stopping only to heft Orihime's body over her shoulder.
"Wait! Come back! I need- Oh, well," Orihime sighs, "She's probably too malnourished to make it terribly far.
With everyone else out of danger, she turns to the monster.
"So who are you and how do you know my name?" she asks it.
"You don't recognize me, Orihime?" it responds.
"Oh, yeah. Totally. I know a ton of snake monsters. Tell me, was the snake your-" Orihime stumbles back to avoid the creatures swipe. She's about to run, but that proves unnecessary as the ceiling collapses and Ichigo falls atop the monster before rolling off.
"How many times do I have to tell you to watch your footing!"
"It's not my fault! I swear someone is moving those cables in the way!"
"You know you guys are fixing my ceiling, right?" Orihime asks.
"Of course we are." Ichigo mutters, drawing his blade, "Hey, Acid Trip! Your fight's with me!"
"It's Acidwire!" the Hollow roars, lunging toward him.
Ichigo follows suit and slides under the Hollow's high swipe, slashing its hand before they disengage again. This time it seems to remember that it has a tail and lashes out with it as Ichigo leaps forward, forcing him to abandon his attack to deflect it. He lands to the side of the Hollow, which had already turned to swipe low this time. Ichigo blocks the claws, not a difficult feat courtesy of the impractically large blade, then vaults over the Hollow, intending to strike from behind. This too, is abandoned as a precautionary measure when he sees the tail moving again, and he settles for distancing himself from the Hollow for another round.
"Rukia!" he calls, "Take Orihime and get out of here."
Rukia moves to comply, but a quick look around reveals Orihime is nowhere to be found.
There's actually a lot more to this fight but it's mostly exposition that you probably already know if you're reading this so instead, just as Ichigo nears the Hollow to resume fighting, a voice sounds from somewhere behind Rukia.
"Hey, Acid Hole!"
"It's Acidwi-" the Hollow's furious roar is interrupted by a gunshot as its shoulder explodes, "My clavicle!"
"You don't have a clavicle," Rukia says, incredulous.
"Acid Hole! That's genius! "Ichigo says to himself, "Why didn't I think of that?!"
Another shot rings out, this time on the other shoulder.
"My scapula!"
"You're a snake monster! You don't have human physiology."
"It was right there in front of me the whole time!"
A third shot.
"Who is doing that?!" the Hollow roars. It turns around to look at its assailant, but is pistol whipped into unconsciousness.
"Arrivederci."
CHAPTER 4 END