Chapter 4: Lost looking for you

The earthquake of minds.

"Historia!" Hitch's voice roared from the living room. "The baby is vomiting all over my shirt!"

Historia hurriedly put down her quill, and even knocking the ink jar all over the current letter she was writing, but the girl didn't notice and ran toward the chaos outside. She was eternally thankful for Hitch taking care of her baby while she was busy, but the former MP could be pretty impulsive. And by impulsive, Historia meant Hitch wouldn't think twice before throwing Frieda out of her crib into the barn whenever the baby was giving her extra stress in the morning. To be fair, it wasn't like Historia had any other choices of a babysitter.

Appreciate what you have, she pounded the words into her head.

She moved the squirming baby from Hitch's arms into her own and rocked her gently. The other girl was busy wiping off her shirt in the sink.

"You okay, baby? Mommy's here," she whispered.

The baby just stared at her mother.

"She just missed her mom. And hated me, I swear. It's like she has a sixth sense for danger or something."

"What, she thinks you're a danger?" Historia laughed.

"Well, I did threaten to leave her naked like a raw chicken if she didn't stop crying."

"Auntie Hitch doesn't mean it," Historia said to Frieda. The baby tugged at her long strands. "Yes, yes, you want to lay down?"

Frieda Reiss slowly dozed off the moment the fluffy blanket touched her back. Historia would too, considering how soft the material was. The palace's quilt did feel nice, but this particular blanket just oozed off comfort. No wonder it always did the trick to calm Frieda down.

"Aw, look at her. Sleepy pig."

"Hitch, seriously, what's with you and animals?"

"Honestly? I would trade off the baby for a few pounds of meat. You being vegan does not mean we can't keep some goats or something. If I have to eat another bowl of spinach, I'll throw up. FYI."

Historia rolled her eyes. "Hey, do you think we can get Annie to sew another blanket like this? She's very talented."

"God, please don't remind me about that. The image of that, it burns me."

"You always think badly about her."

"Likewise, darling, likewise." A beat. "Fine. I'll order her to do it in our next reply letter."

"I don't know if I should be happy or not with you taking your secretarial job very seriously."

"Better prepare for the role well before I'm appointed for real," Hitch snickered.

"We don't even know that yet." The queen-in-hiding sighed. "Might be years before we can step in the palace again."

"Nah, I think with how things are going right now, it'll be in a few months. Give or take."

"Did Jean already reply back?"

"Yep. He's staying in Mitras for a while. It's just as Armin instructed."

"Good. And Connie?"

"No reply yet. I think the letter is intercepted. The chief of their city's post office is pretty close with the Military Court. Good thing it's still a fake letter that we sent."

"Okay. We'll see how things go first before sending another letter. Thank you, Hitch. I know you're tired of writing so many letters."

"As long as you stay true to your promise, I'll write millions."

Both girls chuckled and gazed at the peaceful sleeping face of the baby.

This was it, Historia reminisced. This was the curse and the gift of her actions of allowing the devastation which was the Rumbling to happen under her reign.

Her child, loved. Her friends, safe. Her island, protected.

And her conscience, ruined.

But she buried her guilt deep inside. She needed to be selfless in order to be selfish. Wasn't it what Ymir wanted her to do? To live for herself?

"You already packed your bags for Trost?"

"Yeah," Hitch replied. "How about Frieda's?"

"Almost done. Some of her clothes are still out hanging. But I think I left some in her father's house, so she's good to go."

"You sure it's a good idea to move Frieda to his house? She's still breastfeeding, after all."

"He'll find a wet nurse for her. I don't have a choice. I'll miss her, but I want her to be safe. I… I can't risk her safety here where I can be ambushed at any time."

Hitch sighed. "They'll stop at nothing, won't they? Even if Eren is not directly involved."

"I think he knew but won't do anything. With his Founding power, I'd figured he will see into the Paths, but I don't know. Armin said maybe he chooses not to see."

"Why? He can even locate Connie, Pieck, and the others. All the other spies and rebels that endanger his empire. Why do you think he doesn't do that yet?"

"Armin had his theories, like always. But personally, I think that is the freedom he gives to us. Just like what he said back then during the Rumbling. He gives us the freedom to do what we want, regardless if it meant attacking him or planning a coup. Maybe he thinks it is what is fair. Does that make sense?"

"A bit," Hitch smirked. "You know, I think I like you more like this than when you were queen. You're depressed as shit having a stupid crown on top of your little head."

"Shut up," the blonde nudged her friend. "The crown is pretty."

They both turned to look at the royal crown perched comfortably on top of the shelf. Its diamonds glinted brilliantly against the dull backdrop of their tiny cabin as if saying, 'I'd rather be here with my true owner than on the usurper's head.'

Historia thought of leaving the crown behind when she escaped from the palace holding newborn Frieda months ago. But as she looked at the very thing that symbolized her role, she took it. Whenever she may end up, her duty remained. In the palace, ruling, or in here, hiding. The crown stayed.

"At least if we ever ran out of money, we could pluck out the diamonds," Hitch said.

"True," Historia sighed. "Speaking of money, I'll sell my embroideries later when I went down to the market. I'll buy you some fish. You know we can't afford any red meat."

"You're going down today?"

Historia nodded. "I need to consult something Madam Li again."

"Her again? Darling, she's probably scamming you."

"Even if she is, which I'm pretty sure she's not, she's the only one who can decipher the book. She's my only lead."

Hitch didn't say anything for a long while.

"What? Cat got your tongue?"

"I know it's not my place, but… are you sure?"

"About?"

"Trying to find the secrets of the book. There are reasons why the royal scholars were so keen on hiding it. Maybe some things are better left undiscovered."

It was Historia's time to turn silent. She looked at Hitch, then at her baby.

"I don't know if I'm prepared to find the truth. But I must. I need to do it to redeem myself. I have so much blood in my hands it'll stain until I die."

"Historia—"

"This is… this is why I'm put on the throne. To protect them. The fate of my friends lies in my hands."

The book. Worn and torn and riddled with strange scriptures. When she was heavily pregnant, Historia used to wander around the palace to distract herself from the thumping sounds of the Colossal Titans rampaging around the world. One day, she stumbled upon a small room inside the palace's library.

There, she found the book that no Reiss monarchs had seen in the last hundreds of years.

The scholars, when she first asked them about it after she gave birth, only stared at her in horror and tried to snatch it away. It told her all she needed to know about the nature of the book.

So, Historia ran, clutching the book inside her robes, found Frieda, and packed a bag. The scholars chased her, not caring anymore that she was the queen. She remembered being cornered like a rat in her own house and almost gave in before Hitch appeared, grabbed her arms, and ran and ran and ran.

They kept running.

Then, in this small village at the very edge of Paradis, she met Madam Li, a historian of sort. She revealed the truth to her. The real history of Ymir Fritz and her Nine Titans.

Another was asleep, sealed in eternal slumber.

The next day, Historia wrote a letter to the Alliance members all around the land. Calling them to fight once again under her banner. And they answered to the call, still scattered but now united in their hearts.

Historia softly bounced Frieda in her arms while humming sweet nothings to her. Entering the baby room, she immediately found something amiss. Or rather, something that was not there before.

Dangled in the baby's crib was a letter.

Whoever received this letter,

The Alliance or the loyalists, new or old,

Desiring this lovely, solitary life.

Superb of scenery—life's affairs.

Now gone from awareness.

A

The queen smiled. The stars were all aligned now.

Eren looked tired. That was actually the first thing she noticed about him.

His seafoam green eyes were drained, the colour leaking from the weight of the crescent dark pit under it. It created a looming shadow on his face and Mikasa hated it.

Then she hated that she cared.

So she evaded his stare. Let him be angry with her, Mikasa thought. She recalled their first conversation after she woke up alone in the palace and the quivering desperation in Eren's voice. How he told her to face him. But how could she, if the only thing she knew all these times was to look upon his retreating back?

But aren't you happy now that you can finally follow him? A small voice inside her head had hoped back then.

"Mikasa. I said, should I just lock you in your room from now? Since you keep on defying not only the doctor's order, but also mine."

Mikasa was so lost in the stifling tension inside the room that she forgot she was still holding Armin's iris-scented letter. Unintentionally, she crumpled it.

Eren shifted his gaze to it. He must have recognized the unique seal judging from his darkening expression.

"Leave us," he told the guards.

Eren strode forward to snatch Armin's letter from her grip, but she quickly jammed it under the pillow behind her, leaving his outstretched hand hanging. Mikasa would've found the situation hilarious if it weren't for Eren's clenched jaw.

He put his hand on her thigh. Her breath hitched. "Mikasa."

"I…" she tried to find her voice. Her head was a shore, and her thoughts were the frantic currents crashing into it. "I had to do something to protect Gabi. They… Your men were going to hurt her. I don't regret it."

"Even at the risk of your own wellbeing? It's almost three months since you got your injury and it's not even close to healing properly. Because of your… tantrum last time, you reopened all your stitches and got an infection. You're planning to do the same now, huh? Is that it?"

"Nobody wants to get hurt on their own volition. I'm alright. The doctor already did something."

"No shit." Eren roughly yanked her blankets and grabbed the hem of her patient gown.

"What—"

"Look at this," he snapped. His fingers pulled up the nightgown past her stomach, revealing the thick dressing bandage that wrapped her entire stomach and below and crossing to the upper half of her right hip. Mikasa dully noted tiny specks of blood adorning several parts of the white cloth.

She really had no idea why her endurance and fast healing ability developed during her military career had disappeared at the most inconvenient of times.

Mikasa seized the hem and pulled her dress back down. She wasn't even bothered that the entire lower part of her body was just exposed in front of a man. It wasn't the first time Eren saw her whole, she sourly thought. A prisoner, after all, was stripped to their barest when first coming to their cell.

Layers and layers of her had been unraveled. From the skin that witnessed the cruelty of the world, to the muscles that twisted in all directions trying to grasp at the boy she swore to protect, to the veins that carried the essence of her servitude, to the very core and soul that saw Mikasa extinguishing and rekindling herself.

"We're familiar with battle wounds, Eren. You have nothing to—" She stopped. The words almost slipped through her lips. Mikasa reprimanded herself. She was getting too worked up on a non-existent concern.

"To worry about?"

Mikasa turned the other way, preparing for what to pass.

"Do you really believe I don't have the right to worry about you?"

"If you're really worried about me, then—"

Eren squeezed her thighs. Mikasa watched as his hands slowly released his grip and tucked a stray strand behind her ear. Wordlessly, like all they had done for the past three months, the childhood friends stared at each other.

"To let you leave? To go home?"

His words were met with silence.

"Do you really want to?"

"You know the answer to that," she whispered.

"Is that why you're secretly corresponding with Kiyomi?"

Now that got Mikasa's full attention. "Huh?"

"They told me you've been lettering each other through a secret channel."

"Don't you think I didn't know that your people read all letters that come out from here?"

Eren sighed. "Even so, if you really want to discuss private matters with her, you should've told me. I won't let them read it."

"… why are you asking me this now? I assumed you've already known that I send secret letters for some time now."

"I don't care if it's letters to Armin, Historia, or Jean even. But the ones to Kiyomi, the Azumabitos, hold a political burden to it."

Mikasa looked at her lap and fiddled with her fingers. "I wasn't discussing anything important with her if that's what you're implying."

Eren grazed his thumb on her knuckles. The thunderous waves inside her were rising ever so quickly. If he kept on touching her with gentle fondness that was so unfamiliar to her, she was afraid her tears might spill all over again. It hurt that his touches scorched her. The irony was never lost to her.

"I know. I trust you. You're free to do anything you want."

"I'm not." The words came out before she even realized it. The air crackled with electricity when Eren glared at her. Here it comes, Mikasa pondered, the ruthlessness that accompanied her for the time she spent here.

"What?"

Mikasa pulled her hand from his. "I'm the farthest thing from a free person. I'm the embodiment of the very thing you hate. I've come to accept the punishment you gave me, Eren." The sin of loving you, she thought. "Just… just spare me the humiliation."

Eren looked at her for a while, then laughed. Eren Yeager howled with a strange glint on his eyes.

Mikasa waited. It was all she could do.

"You… you have changed, haven't you, Mikasa? For better and for worse. It's almost as if I'm looking at a stranger now."

The only stranger here was you.

He continued, "What I did is to free you. We were captives of the old regime. Fed with lies and corruption. Left to rot in Titan wastelands alone. And your own bloodlines, hunted down."

"The old regime… Historia wasn't like that."

"If she wasn't, she wouldn't have left as a traitor."

"What could she do, Eren? Wait until your men marched to the palace and overthrow her?"

Eren leaned back. "My men may be fanatical and impetuous, but they were true. Historia was true to her nature. But you, Mikasa, you forget yourself."

"Then tell me. Tell me what I don't know about myself."

"The same thing I'd told you before. You promised to be by my side, and now you wanted to leave me? Because I killed millions? Because I am the reason Sasha died?"

"The Eren I knew wouldn't commit such heinous acts just to have justice and freedom. Me and Armin, we told you we'd fight together, we'd stick together thick and thin, but—"

"Now look who's talking," Eren snarled. "Well if that is the Eren you knew, then the Mikasa I knew would still love me through all of this. But they're both gone, aren't they? You'd still left me."

"That's not… I…" Mikasa whimpered. "I know you were never truly gone, just… just let me go home. You have everything you wanted and more. Please. I want to go home."

"This is your home. I'm your home. Isn't this what you always wanted? To be with me?"

Mikasa shook her head in despair. "No, not like this. Never like this."

"Mikasa. You can never leave me. If you do, I'll find you and drag you back myself. If you try to escape, I'll shackle you to my own wrist. You bound yourself to me all those years ago. This is your punishment. They're going to take you away from me, but I will protect you."

Eren took Mikasa's chin and forced her to look at him. The wetness that trickled down his palm didn't unnerve him.

"With me, you are the freest you will ever be."

Her vision bled into bleak colours as she restrained the sobs inside.

Eren picked her up, one arm behind her knees and another supporting her back. He tucked her head under his shoulder.

Mikasa succumbed to her exhaustion and went to the safe place of her dreams, remembering the kind green eyes of a dead man she once knew.

The soldiers stopped and saluted as Eren carried her through the halls.

Thank you so much for the love!