This chapter is kind of introspective and uneventful... but we're getting somewhere, I promise.
Chapter 4 - Hell of a day
Rayna had had a hell of a day.
Morning had greeted her with a cobwebby head and a cottonwool mouth, courtesy of alcohol overindulgence the previous night. The only silver lining she'd found so far was that she had woken up alone in her bed. The last thing she remembered from the night before was throwing herself into Liam's arms in the elevator – that damn elevator! If she never saw the inside of it again it would be too soon. Rayna wouldn't rush to label Liam as a gentleman, but he'd obviously put her to bed and left her to her drunken snoring, and for that, she was endlessly grateful.
Despite her dustiness, she'd managed to pull herself together and look the part while half charming, half muddling her way through that morning's lengthy press junket. Then it was straight into soundcheck and a run through for that evening's show. That afternoon, exhausted, she retired to her room in the hopes of getting some rest and some perspective on everything that was going on in her life.
And then Teddy had shown up.
And now she was sitting on the weary tail end of a hangover, staring her imminent divorce in the face and wondering how the hell everything had ended up crashing down around her ears all at once. The last thing she had expected today was her husband, out of the blue, dropping a bombshell like that on her. Teddy had blindsided her with the damned divorce, there was no doubt about that, and she was upset. But, if she were honest, she was mostly upset that she was not upset in the way she should be upset. Confusion fogged her mind as she reflected on the fact that, in a strange way, this felt like a release.
Surely the culmination of so many years together and a life totally intertwined should end with some kind of heightened emotion and resistance from both parties. Some kind of desire to hold on to one another, to find a way to battle through. But there was none of that really. He said his piece, she said hers, they both agreed that it was for the best and that they just wanted things to be easy and steady for the girls. With dry eyes, they hugged woodenly, then he was gone again. Was that what the end of a marriage with someone was supposed to look like?
She couldn't help but think back to her days with Deacon - the many times it had nearly ended right up until the time it did, and recalled the tears, the begging, the promises, the anythings, that would allow them to go on together; the breathless feeling of total devastation in the face of their union ending; the black hole of a future that was the prospect of a life without one another.
It wasn't like that with Teddy.
If she were talking amusement park rides, it was like comparing the stomach flipping drop tower with a leisurely spin on the merry go round. Chalk and cheese. But she shouldn't compare. Had always promised herself that she wouldn't. Teddy was strong and steady and reliable in ways that Deacon never could be, and it wasn't fair to ever line the two up and measure. It wasn't fair, because no matter which way she measured, only one ever came out on top.
If she were to be straightforward with herself, she had known that when she returned home after this tour, she was going to have to take a long hard look at her marriage anyway, given her behaviour over the past couple of days. Behaviour that did not shout 'I'm happily married' from the rooftops. Behaviour that probably indicated they were on the downward spiral anyway. A sadness descended upon her, clawing at her bones, circling and finding a spot to settle in. But it was mostly sadness for the girls. In a perfect world she'd choose a happy family with both parents in love and there for them, no divorce to deal with – but that was very rarely reality, and she knew they'd cope just fine with this version too.
But the timing! Could he not have damn well waited til after tonight's show?
Talk about just ripping the goddamn bandaid off, she thought wryly.
After he'd left, she'd cried. A lot. Maybe more because she was tired and confused, but she'd still cried until there were no tears left. And then she'd dried her eyes and slapped her cheeks and picked herself up and got her shit together and went downstairs to the pre-show group meal with the crew, determined that noone would be any the wiser to her personal woes.
On his way down to Juliette's soundcheck that afternoon, Deacon had seen Teddy cross the lobby, and his stomach dropped to his feet.
Three men in three days, huh Rayna? He thought scathingly, his thumbnail digging into his forefinger in irritation.
He was no stranger to seeing Rayna in another man's arms, and for so many years had managed to accept it and carefully compartment his feelings for her, pushing them to the side and embracing his diminished role in her life as her guitarist, song writing partner, friend. Their relationship had ended because his addiction had become bigger than the both of them, but he'd gained control of it, was proud of the man he'd become and knew that he could do right by her now. All of these years he'd been holding onto the hope that if he stayed close to her the day would eventually come when she was ready to love him again, take him back, make up for lost time and never let him go.
Never once had the possibility crossed his mind that she just might not feel that way for him anymore; that, if all things were equal and she had the opportunity to freely choose her man, she wouldn't choose him. That realisation had only now just firmly slapped him in the face and left him reeling.
Seeing her with Liam had suddenly cheapened everything he'd thought there was between himself and Rayna, reduced it to rubble. And now he felt like a total fool. There was no way he could sit by and watch her with yet another man, no way he could stand having the pieces of his already shattered heart being crushed into sand and then into nothing. As painful as it would be, he had to take a big step away from her.
He had to cut himself loose.
Spaced out, but physically present at the pre-show get together was the best that Rayna could manage. Heading to the buffet table, she scooped a spoon of unwanted potato salad onto her plate even though it would remain uneaten. All her energy right now was spent on focusing only on the upcoming show. Everything else had to go on the backburner. All the mess in her head swept into a corner and left there to be cleaned up later.
A hand alighted on her hip and she jumped at the sudden contact.
"Liam!" she exclaimed, feeling oddly comforted by his presence.
He ducked his head towards hers conspiratorially. "Just thought I'd slip in quickly and check on you before the show. Check that you're doing alright today?"
Rayna glanced up into those dark, concerned eyes, and found her smile started to wobble a little around the edges.
"I've had a hell of a day, to be honest." she said, unable to summon the energy to lie, fervently hoping she also didn't have the energy to break down into pieces right now.
"Hey. You got this."
He said it so casually, so assuredly, that for a second she could let herself believe him. Maybe she did. She took a deep breath.
"The show must go on, huh? Thanks Liam. And thanks for... everything last night."
He flashed her a dimpled grin. "At your service anytime, Ms. J."
She hugged him briefly, gratefully, and he left her with a cheeky wink before disappearing back out the door.
From the other side of the table, she felt a hot stare burning into her, and looked up to see a very broody looking Deacon, plate in hand, a dark look on his face.
"Hey, Deac." she said distractedly, and then she registered the pain and anger in his eyes. Oh God. She still hadn't sorted things out with him. She needed to, wanted to desperately, but she couldn't right now. Her feelings for Deacon had never changed, they'd just been carefully packed up and locked away in long term storage. But now was not the time to open those boxes. If she did, then things would start getting messy and muddled in her head. First, she had to deal with her divorce, get her head straight. She needed to keep the end of things with Teddy and the... whatever might be with Deacon, totally separate. She owed that much to both of them at least.
"Rayna." he bit, acid on his tongue, taking her cursory greeting as a dismissive insult. Then, before he could stop himself, "So, Liam, huh?"
"What?" His directness took her by surprise.
"Did ya sleep with him?" It sounded petty and jealous and Deacon knew he had no right to ask the question, but it rushed out of his mouth anyway, words jagged and sharp now hanging like barbed wire between them, scraping at their skin.
Mouth dropping open, Rayna stared and then sighed.
She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She wanted to jump over the table and into his arms. She wanted to throw the potato salad in his face.
In the midst of so many conflicting emotions, she did nothing at all.
Deacon took her ensuing silence as affirmation, and his gut wrenched painfully as the hurt flashed brightly across his face.
Mentally exhausted, Rayna was finding it hard to think straight, and a frown settled on her features.
"Why do you even care? You have a girlfriend, Deacon."
"I have a-" he stopped short and shook his head, giving her an incredulous look, eyes flaming. As unfair as it was, his girlfriend was the last thing on his mind.
"What the hell, Ray? Y'know, I really thought after yesterday, that we-" he gestured a hand between the two of them. "That we…"
What? Any word he could think of to describe what that was just sounded insignificant and stupid.
"Never mind. Just never mind." He dropped his plate on the table and stalked off a little way, then abruptly turned and closed the distance between them again, the fire in his eyes suddenly extinguished by a weary sadness. "Y'know what, Ray? I don't wanna do this. I've stood by your side like a damn loyal puppy all these years-"
"I've never asked you to do that!" she protested weakly, one hand pushing against her forehead, wishing her thoughts weren't so jumbled right now.
Ignoring her, he carried on. "And I don't know if I can do that anymore, Ray. I can't do the back and forth, I can't put my heart out there and be yo-yoed around. I can't be this... fool for you. It hurts. It really goddamn hurts and my heart can't take no more. I think it would be best if we just took a little space. Put some distance between us." He sniffed and wrinkled his nose. "It's a full-time job, loving you, Rayna Jaymes. And I'm tired of working. I need a goddamn holiday."
A tiny huff slipped from Rayna's mouth. And she had been naïve enough to think that her day couldn't get any worse. She could hardly believe what she'd just heard. In one breath Deacon had admitted he still loved her but didn't want to be anywhere near her. She'd always worried this day would come. That he'd finally grow tired of her, lose his patience, walk away, move on. It was shattering and terrifying. In all the time she'd known Deacon, after everything they'd been through, he'd still always been there. She'd had to distance herself from him before, for Teddy, for Maddie, for herself, her sanity, and he had always been waiting for her to draw him back. This was the first time that he'd ever initiated space. The first time that he sounded truly done with her. And at his words, a cold finger of fear curled in her stomach.
That night on stage was the first time Deacon had ever seen Rayna miss a cue.
She recovered well and to everyone else, the show was a total success and she performed like the superstar that she was. But he could see that she was rattled, troubled, definitely not ok. Was it because of him? The sting of guilt ripped through his chest. He shouldn't have said those things to her. Not then. Not like that. For a brief moment he considered going to find her, take it all back, make things right.
But then he pictured her with Liam and he couldn't. Couldn't let himself be drawn back to her. Couldn't stand the pain. For his own wellbeing he needed to take a break from the whirlwind of Rayna in his life and stand apart from her for a while. Try and exist outside of her shadow.
Her damn beautiful shadow.