"It's been so long since I heard from you last, I was starting to wonder if we really had resumed our relationship." Llewellyn was sunk so deep in the shadows he could barely be seen.

"I know, and I truly am sorry," Jack squeezed in close enough to press his shoulder against his lover's. These weeks apart had sapped him emotionally and spiritually as Clara dragged him around the neighbourhood on display once again. She claimed it was to make up for "damages to their reputations", but he wondered if it might be to punish him for using their apartment for a romantic encounter.

Llewellyn sighed and leaned into his warmth. "No, I didn't mean to bring it up. I wouldn't want to spoil the evening. I'd rather celebrate the time we have than mourn the time we don't."

Those were brave words when one considered their unpleasant meeting place. It was a miserable alley with its walls painted with the urine of drunks. For them it was one of the best places in Toronto, namely because it was out of the streetlight's reach. Jack thought about trying for a kiss, but the sewer rat that crawled past his heel spoiled the mood. It rankled that they were reduced to this, forced to meet in dark holes as if they were common prostitutes. He always liked the dark, though now he began to wonder if too much of his life was spent in the shadows. Llewellyn deserved better, and Jack longed to give it to him, but could see no way he could do so in this city.

He didn't much want to stay in this alley, but they could no longer sit in a pub, or linger any place for long. Neither could they wander the streets. Jack never spent time with friends any more, he didn't dare let anyone see him with a man. If people kept seeing him with one male friend in particular, his problems would come back all over again. He felt like he was standing on a knife edge all the time; if he strayed too far one way he'd expose himself and Llewellyn, if he went too far the other way he'd lose his boyfriend all over.

"There's a men's gathering in a few nights. Mr. Germaine is hosting, we could be together there." Llewellyn's voice startled him out of his tense silence.

Even in the dark Jack couldn't meet his gaze. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"Marriage only offers so much protection. If anything, I have to be more careful now to shelter my family." Jack said.

Llewellyn weighed that for a moment. "Family. I'm glad you're at starting to see them that way. I would hate for that child to be born into this world without proper support." He didn't sound particularly happy.

Awkward silence claimed them again. Jack regretted saying anything now that he'd created this cloud by mentioning Clara and her baby. Now he didn't want to speak again, for fear of saying the wrong thing. He reached for Llewellyn's hand, only to find the other man had occupied himself by fiddling with the buttons on his coat. Jack dared himself to grab Llewellyn, drag him into the open, and take him anywhere they pleased. He remembered Clara's distress and stayed put. "Some things are worth the risk." Those words came back to haunt him now. Had they really been spoken over a year ago? He didn't dare take any risks now. Marriage had left him feeling more vulnerable, not less.

"I've often wished that I had a family." Once again Llewellyn broke the silence. "I suppose not strongly enough to marry and bear one of my own, but the desire to raise children is still there. I don't imagine I'll ever get to fulfill that desire."

Jack cleared his throat, feeling suddenly hoarse. "I have to get back," he said.

"So soon?" Llewellyn peeled himself from the wall, at last letting go of his buttons. His empty hands hung in the air in front of him.

"I promise I will find a place we can be together, just not yet. I'll make it worth the wait." Jack fled the alley hastily, but he still wasn't fast enough to miss the disappointment in Llewellyn's eyes.

XXXXXXXXXX

"What do you think?" Clara asked.

Jack kept his gaze on his morning coffee. "Of what?"

"Of the bassinet, silly. It's right in front of you."

He had to look twice at the woman bending over the tiny white bed. For a second he didn't recognize her with that tender expression and genuine smile. She would probably look like that all the time if she'd married someone who cared for her.

Jack went back to his drink, pushing aside his guilt. "It's fine. I mean, it's lovely."

Clara didn't acknowledge his distracted tone. "It'll do for now. Eventually we'll need to move someplace with room for a child, but there's no hurry yet. You know, I'm looking forward to having my baby soon. Now that's everything is finally settled between us, I can spend time with him or her and neither of us will have to worry."

Jack nodded in agreement. At this point both of them were looking forward to having less of each other's company. He flipped through the newspaper idly. What he saw made him break out in a cold sweat. "Over a dozen arrested for suspected indecent acts" declared the newsprint in bold letters. The details went on to describe a party attended solely by men. The time and location jumped out at him. Llewellyn had planned to go to this party. He began to tremble so badly he had to put his coffee back down to keep it from spilling.

"What's wrong?" Clara watched him keenly.

Jack shut his eyes in anguish. "It's nothing." He stood up from the table and grabbed his coat. "I don't have time to walk with you this morning. There's some errands I need to run before I open the shop."

Clara picked up his abandoned paper and looked from it to him nervously as she watched him go.

It was torturous to walk so slowly, as if this were an ordinary outing. Every step wounded him like a blow to the chest. His mind demanded that he run and go get the answers faster. He kept on walking, consciously avoiding the notice of everyone around him. It wasn't until he caught sight of the place he sought that he allowed himself to pick up his pace.

Inspector Brackenreid glanced over his shoulder as Jack dashed in. "Well, if it isn't my butcher. What brings you to my station house?"

"I'm looking for detective Watts." Jack somehow managed to keep the panic out of his voice.

"He hasn't come in yet today. If you see him before I do, tell him he's not getting paid to go lollygagging around whenever he likes." Brackenreid started to walk away.

He wouldn't have pegged this cantankerous man as an ally, but the inspector had turned him out of a holding cell twice now.

"Please, I need to speak to you privately," Jack said.

Brackenreid gave him a hard look. "All right then," he said at last. "Best come into my office." He brought Jack in and shut the door behind them. "Now, why don't you tell my what this is about?"

Jack didn't hesitate. "There was a party last night, one for men like me. I saw in the papers there were arrests. Llewellyn told me he would be there."

The inspector turned a bit pale. "Bloody hell," He muttered under his breath. Sitting at his desk, he folded his hands and lowered his head in thought. "Look, I'll make some inquiries, but don't go expecting much. My influence has grown somewhat limited, especially lately."

Jack swallowed hard. "Thank you, Inspector," He tried to sound grateful, but the conversation had left him even more anxious.

Helplessness dragged on his shoulders as he went back out. Even if he ran to every station house in the city, he didn't have the power to get the answers he needed. So he did the only safe thing he could; he went to his shop, and set to work like nothing had happened.

XXXXXXXXXX

Jack stared in surprise and relief at the man sidling nervously up to his store front.

"I hear you were looking for me?" Llewellyn kept his head ducked as if he were examining the meat being prepared.

Jack put his meat cleaver down hastily to keep from it from falling from his grasp. "You'd better come inside," He said, and hurried Llewellyn indoors. He took him into the back of the shop well out of sight of the windows and customers, worrying every step of the way how many people saw them go inside.

Jack glanced around to be sure they couldn't be overheard before grabbing Llewellyn's hand. "Oh, God, I was starting to think I'd never find you. When I saw the papers I thought you'd been arrested. I even went to your station house, they said you hadn't come to work."

"I'm fine, I got away safely. I don't think I was seen there." Llewellyn assured him.

"Where have you been?" Jack demanded, still clutching his hand.

Llewellyn fidgeted before answering. "I've been trying to find a way to get our friends released. It's not looking good for them, especially for Mr. Germaine. After all, he was hosting the event."

Panic sliced into Jack's heart all over again. "No, you can't do that. You can't let anyone think you're involved, it's too dangerous."

Llewellyn stared at him in surprise and pulled his hand away. "I can't leave them to be sent to prison and be harmed. Doing so would violate my conscience, my sense of morality, isn't that a form of danger to myself?"

"The people who did this aren't going to be interested in a philosophical debate if they suspect you." Jack warned him.

"I happen to be one of those people, in case you've forgotten. I am an officer of the law." Llewellyn reminded him pointedly.

Jack kept on insisting "That's all the more reason why you have to back away. They'll hurt you worse than anyone."

Llewellyn ignored his predictions. "I can't walk away from this. I can't walk away from who I am, not at the expense of innocent people I consider to be my friends."

"I can't help you." Even though neither of them took a step, Jack could feel the distance between them growing.

"You would ignore the plight of the same people who have loved you and supported you in the past?" The disbelief in the other man's voice stabbed at him.

Jack pictured everyone he knew locked in a cell and beaten as he had been. They had all been powerless to help him then, and they would all know he was powerless to help them now. "They all knew what they were getting into. They chose to take that risk."

"I am choosing to help them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to doing just that." Llewellyn's expression turned hard. He stormed out, and Jack wasn't brave enough to go with him.