"Okay so, Albert told me that at one point, Taylor and Buckaroo went off and had what he thought was a pretty heated conversation. He couldn't really hear them, and didn't want to eavesdrop, but he said that Buck looked devastated after she left. Then he bailed out and didn't come out of his room for the rest of the night." Chim rushed out, pacing before the rest of the team members.
"So she must've said something to him that upset him. He's usually pretty good with the scathing remarks from his ex-lovers or whatever," Eddie pitched in, "so whatever it is she said, must've cut him deep."
"It's probably something he's insecure about." Hen said.
"Okay so… what's our Buckaroo insecure about?" Chim asked.
Bobby, Eddie, Hen, and Chim all looked at eachother, hoping someone knew the answer. The silence spread on, growing thicker and more awkward as the seconds ticked by.
"Alright, let's not panic. We'll think it over. Brainstorm. Maybe try to think back to any other incidents we've had." Bobby concluded, and the others took that as their permission to disperse.
If Buck noticed his teammate's odd behavior throughout the shift, he didn't mention it. They weren't sure if he realized that every once in a while, someone would stare at him, deep in thought. Or they'd side eye him, judging his every move, wondering what was up with him lately. Luckily for the other members of the 118, Buck was so lost in his own hellish mind, that he never realized that something was up, or that the team was onto him.
Buck was distracted, plagued by insecurity. It was like Red, all over again. He wasn't part of a family, not really. Sure he had Maddie, but she had Chim and Jee-Yun. Bobby was like his surrogate father, but he already had two sets of his own children, he didn't need Buck in the mix. He knew that he'd never really get over the terrible first impression he'd made on Athena, even if he saw her as a mother figure. Hen had her wife and children, and she needed to focus on her medical schooling. Chim had Albert, the Lee's, as well as Maddie and their daughter. Don't even get him started on Eddie.
Buck was the odd man out. The extra wheel that was nothing but cumbersome baggage, no rightful place in the world. He felt like a leech, taking up all the other's time and attention. He inserted himself in their firehouse family, nestling in close like a weasel. Nothing more than a pest, a needy, needy pest.
"You're so needy. You can't stand the idea of people not liking you." She definitely hit the nail on the head with that one. An unattainable pursuit of his, to make everyone he meets like him. But he was likeable… right? He thought so, but every passing day brings more and more doubt. Maybe he was just fooling himself. Living in this delusional fantasy where he was liked, and valued, and part of something larger than himself.
His thoughts swirled and spiraled down the rabbithole, getting darker and more depressing as he stared off at the ceiling of the bunk room. He'd tried to fall asleep, but as soon as his eyelids closed, his anxiety skyrocketed, causing him to think, and think, and overthink.
Buck tossed and turned, knowing that if he was gonna make it through this shift, he needed some sleep. He had noticed a couple of looks sent his way throughout the beginning of the shift, though he wasn't sure what the motive behind them were. Perhaps it's because he did what everyone thought impossible: skipped family dinner. Maybe they were realizing that he was a problem, a burden, an exhausting person to deal with.
Across the room, Eddie lay in his own bunk, inconspicuously watching his best friend as he struggled to go to sleep. Eddie knew that something was wrong, and he knew it was something he knew about. An inkling tickled at the very back of his mind, an undeniable familiarity that escaped his grasp, no matter how hard he had tried to think about it. Buck was insecure about something, and that something had to be a thing they'd dealt with before. He contemplated going over to Buck's bed to talk to him, when it finally hit him. He knew what was bugging Buck, he just wasn't sure what she had said to him to drag this particular issue up yet again. Not that he blamed Buck for being afraid of it happening, he just wished they could drill it through his thick skull that they were there for him, no matter what.
"I got it. I know what's been eating at Buck." Eddie told the crew, as they convened in the kitchen early that morning. They were conveniently allowing Buck to sleep in, figuring that he needed as much sleep as he could get. They kept a pot of coffee on for when he eventually emerges from the bunk room.
"Oh? And what would that be?" Hen asked, turning her full attention to the other firefighter.
Everyone else focused on Eddie as well, eager to hear what was wrong with their resident Golden Retriever, so they could promptly begin working towards fixing the issue.
"Yeah, do tell." Chim said, leaning forward as his interest was piqued.
"Family." Eddie stated.
The team looked at him, and Bobby opened his mouth to reply, before closing it with a slight frown. Realizing that they weren't making the same connections that he had, Eddie continues on, explaining his thought process.
"It's like Red and the lawsuit. He's insecure about being alone or unwanted. All he wants—all he needs—is us. His team. His friends. His family."
Realization dawned on them, and they began to nod in understanding. It all made so much sense now. If he was worried about them turning on him, or leaving him behind, it'd be logical for Buck to attempt to cut himself off before they hurt him. Not that they purposely would, but fears and insecurities aren't always rational.
"How did we not figure this out sooner?" Bobby muses, mostly to himself.
Of course it was Eddie who figured it out. The man in question was silently kicking himself for taking so long, but to be fair, they all had a lot going on right now, but deep down, he knew that wasn't a very good excuse. Him and Buck seemed to function on a whole other wavelength than the others. They were more intune with each other, and occasionally Chim or Hen would jokingly tell them that they shared the same braincell. They were best friends and partners. They worked together like a well oiled machine, sometimes only needing a look or a nod to communicate with one another. They were as close as two platonic people could get.
"Well guys, you know what this means. Time to show that loveable little idiot how much we love him, and how much we value him as a friend and teammate." Hen said, as she clasped her hands, determination lacing her tone.
"You know, I think I feel a family barbeque—with appropriate social distancing—in the near future." Bobby added, his eyes gleaming.
"I'll text Maddie, I promised I'd fill her in on what's going on here." Said Chim, as he pulled out his phone and rapidly typed away.
"I'm gonna do what I do best. Face this head on. Time to let him know that the gig is up, and that he can't get away from us that easily." Eddie announced, as he headed toward the bunk room, ready to confront Buck. When he was done with him, he'd know exactly where he stood with the firefam.