Trigger warning: discussion of a past suicide attempt, which we've already seen in chapter 1, but I'm putting this here just in case.

'Feel it as the wind strokes my skin

I am moved by the chill

Hear the winter bird sing'

Chapter 4: Spring (rebirth)

It's 2012 and Steve is in the wrong century.

Steve doesn't know how to deal with that yet, so he doesn't. But then there's Bucky. Bucky who slipped through his fingers, who was dead. The first time Steve sees him, there's a wild moment where he wonders if he's woken up in some alternate reality, like in those books Bucky used to read. The second, he's waking up in a different hospital room and reeling from being told he's spent a lifetime under ice. But then Bucky steps into the room. His hair is longer than Steve's ever seen it, he's dressed in a strange-looking coat that mirrors what Steve's seen out on the street, he's wearing black gloves – is that a future thing? – and his eyes are wary and wrong. But it's Bucky.

"How?" The question slips out more than once. But then the happiness is replaced by horror because finding out Bucky survived the fall, that he's been frozen at the bottom of that ravine and Steve did nothing? That's the worst thing he can think of.

He's wrong.

It takes a lot of persuasion on Steve's part before Fury lets anything slip. But eventually, they tell him Bucky has been a captive of Hydra, but not when or how. They say Bucky has no memory of Steve, of anything, but don't tell him why. Steve wants to deny it, to say that can't be true. He wants to scream at them to just tell him the whole truth… or track down his best friend himself and hug him and never let go. But he can't do any of those things. What did they do to you, Buck?

When Bucky finally talks to Steve it's like a miracle, his worst fears proven untrue. His best friend remembers him, even if he doesn't seem to remember much. Steve closes his eyes with relief and breathes out for what feels like the first time in weeks. It's enough, it has to be enough.

Steve isn't used to walking on eggshells around Bucky, but he tries not to push. He can draw some of his own conclusions, and they're too terrible to say aloud. Instead, he follows Bucky into a mission and that's where everything falls apart. When they return Bucky is the first one off the jet, ignoring the other Agent's attempts to talk.

"Did something happen between you two?" Agent Barton corners Steve, brows furrowed in suspicion.

'Some of those people are my friends', Bucky had said. Standing under Barton's piercing gaze, Steve believes it. "Something." He murmurs in response.

After that, Steve doesn't see Bucky for almost a full month. It's not for lack of trying. He tries Bucky's apartment, tries talking to Fury and even Barton. By the end of it, he still knows nothing, and the worry and frustration are a mountain on his shoulders. At the very least, he just wants to know Bucky is okay… or not worse off than before the disastrous mission.

He's in the gym, taking it all out on a punching bag when he's approached by a scary redhead – actually, she sneaks up despite his enhanced hearing, and Steve startles and almost falls over himself while she stares impassively.

"Nice reflexes."

"I try." Steve's lips twitch. Something about her demeanor tells him if she was a threat, he'd already be dead. "Shield?" He guesses.

"Yup."

"They sent you here to babysit me?"

"Not exactly." She studies him. "What did you do to James?"

"Wait- what?"

The woman shrugs. "He was fine before you came around. One mission with you and now he's back to staring at walls."

"Back to?"

Her eyes narrow. "It's my job to look out for him. I don't care who you were in the forties, if you hurt him, I'll make you regret it."

Steve believes her. And it's a strange comfort - as worried for his own safety as he suddenly is, it's a relief to see someone else looking out for Bucky. Someone who might not fail as miserably as Steve has. "It was my job too once…" He murmurs, then louder: "I know it might not look like it, but the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him."

"Intentions are so meaningless when not followed through."

"I know that. Look, I'm not the enemy here."

"What are you then?"

"I'm… his friend." Despite what Bucky said, that will never not be true.

"Does he know that?"

"I hope so. I'm trying. All I've done since waking up was try to reach him-"

"Because it was your job?" The woman echoes, her voice dripping with something unreadable. It's not quite mocking, not quite disbelief.

Steve sighs. "To be honest, it was his self-imposed job to look out for me. I tried to do the same, but…" He shakes his head. "Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky." The admission slips out, laid bare in front of a literal stranger. But she cares about Bucky, Steve can tell that much.

"I see." Her hard eyes soften then, and the imposing demeanor drops as suddenly as it appeared. "You should talk to him."

"I told you, I've-"

"Tried. I know. I didn't say it was going to be easy." The woman hesitates, eyes searching Steve's and he holds her gaze steady until she finally nods to herself, seemingly making a decision. "He remembers you, did you know? He won't say it, but you wouldn't have gotten to him like this if he didn't."

Steve gapes. "I… did know that." But how did she? As far as Steve can tell, Bucky has been adamant about keeping his memories a secret. After the broken confession on the mission, Steve has been afraid to even wonder why.

"He told you then? That's good. It means he's not as repressed as he likes to pretend he is."

Steve doesn't know what to make of that. "But he won't talk to me."

"I'm not supposed to be telling you this, therapist's orders." She smirks. "But it's not like that guy isn't living out of Shield's pocket. So I'm only going to tell you the gist of it, and you didn't hear it from me."

"Got it." Steve nods. He wonders if he should stop her, if it's right to hear this story from anyone but Bucky… except Bucky is resolved to keep pushing him away.

"When he first came to us, it was bad. They brainwashed him, treated him like a weapon and that's all he knew how to see himself as." The woman speaks slowly, each word carefully picked out. "The first few months he didn't even speak. When someone unmakes you like that, you can never get all the pieces back."

The simple words shake Steve more than anything he could have imagined. "How- how long did they have him?" He chokes out. He's been imagining torture and abuse, sure, but to hear it like this…

"About as long as you were in the ice."

Steve does choke then. And he stares at the woman with wide, disbelieving eyes. "You're telling me my best friend was tortured for seventy years?"

"Yes. You see? If he remembered you after all that, whatever you had must have been special."

It was. But special enough to withstand seventy years of brainwashing? What those monsters did… his fists clench. "I should have saved him."

"We did it for you." The woman says, unfazed by the flash of anger. "But we didn't save Bucky."

Steve blinks, it's the first time he's heard anyone else call him that. "You think I can?"

"No. I think only he can do that. But you can help."

Steve takes a deep breath, lets it out. Determination settles in his bones. "Thank you." He says sincerely, and then sheepishly: "I don't even know your name."

The woman smirks. "It's Natasha. And thank me later."

It's July of 2012 and Bucky Barnes is gone (until he isn't).

James stays cooped up in his apartment, only leaving for mandatory therapy sessions with Doctor Harrington and giving the man minimal answers when probed. He is not talking about this. The less he has to think about Steve- Captain Rogers, the better. Clint comes by too, and James can't bring himself to shut him out completely, so he opens the door each time, and engages in small talk to dispel the worried frowns. Natasha only comes once, and she tells him to get off his ass, go break stuff, do something. She starts throwing punches when he doesn't respond, landing one on his face before his instincts catch up and he blocks the second blow. "What the hell are you doing?" He yells.

"Making you fight." She wraps her legs around his shoulders, grips his hair and he kicks out in an attempt to throw her off and they both fall through the coffee table.

Natasha's tactic doesn't go well. She storms out twenty minutes later with a bloody – hopefully not broken – nose and James isn't much better off himself. At first, he's fuming. What had she been thinking? He could have killed her. But later that day, once he's done pulling glass shards from his shoulder, he realizes the nervous energy under his skin is more than anger, he feels alive. It reminds him of a different kind of fighting - not the numb compliance of the Asset, but Bucky Barnes casually checking out the neighborhood alleys in case his dumb friend is picking fights again. He remembers other things too – trying to scrape up enough money for food, Steve's face at his mother's funeral, double dates with dames whose faces he can't recall… a train? There was a train. He remembers Steve saying something about him falling, but now the words come accompanied by a pang of fear and an image of Steve's frantic hands reaching for his. He supposes that's how it happened - the end of Bucky Barnes's life.

Four days after the confrontation with Natasha there's a loud knocking on James's door. "I know you're in there." Steve's voice comes through.

James's heart sinks. He can't face Steve. Especially now, with the context of so many new-old memories throwing his own cruel words in his face like an accusation. Steve is good, Steve is better off without him and his trail of bodies and blood.

There's a loud bang, making James jump. Footsteps, Steve's head pokes around the wall. James stares at him incredulously. "Did you break my door?"

"Well… yeah. Sorry." His smile is sheepish, uncertain. "I didn't know how else to talk to you."

James sighs. "Steve…"

"No, look… you can throw me out after if you want, but at least hear me out first."

Slowly James nods. He sits on the couch, watching Steve linger and then do the same on the soft chair. For a moment Steve's eyes fall to the remains of the broken coffee table, but he doesn't comment. His eyes flicker back to James - intense and sad, but determined too.

"First of all, I know you're not gonna like it, but I know what Hydra did to you. Well, I know the essence."

The words make James freeze. Who would have-

"And it kills me that you went through that, that I wasn't there for you. I'm never going to be okay with that, but if you think I blame you for anything they made you do… Buck- James that wasn't your fault. And maybe not being able to see them as more than missions is a self-defense mechanism, or maybe it's because of whatever they did to your head. Either way, that's not your fault either. If you think you're gonna scare me away with that arm or whatever you've got in your past, you're wrong. You said- you made me a promise once when I was doing my best to push you away. And I get that maybe you don't feel that way anymore, but I do. So when you push me away, just know I'll be coming right back around."

There's a moment of silence. Steve looks away, not so discretely wiping his eyes, but James can't stop staring at him. A promise, he thinks, when I was doing my best to push you away. Steve's mom's funeral, 'I can get by on my own' and 'Thing is, you don't have to'. Everything was so different then, but maybe it was also the same. Two lost kids, alone in the world but doing it together. They're not kids anymore, but…

When he speaks his voice is careful. He can't quite believe he's remembering this. "I'm with you 'till the end of the line."

Steve's eyes widen as they fall on him, tentative hope breaking through as he whispers: "Bucky?"

And maybe he is. Steve winces like he's said the wrong thing, but he – Bucky – feels himself smile and when he speaks his voice is only a little shaky. "Yeah, Stevie." But suddenly Steve looks like he might shatter and Bucky frowns with concern. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." Steve chokes. "Can I- is it okay if I hug you?"

"Hm-" Sometimes touch sets him off, but this doesn't feel like one of those times at all. "Yeah."

Steve hesitates anyway, and Bucky wonders if he should just hug him himself, but then he has the odd thought that he might not remember how to and-

Steve jumps to his feet and strides across the short distance to the couch, pulling Bucky up and pulling him into a tight hug. And then it's not difficult at all, and Bucky rests his own hands – first flesh then metal – on Steve's back. He breathes in Steve's scent, so familiar and so different all at once. Emotion, a traitorous thing, bubbles up within his chest. "I'm sorry. Steve, I'm sorry."

And Steve holds on tighter. If both their eyes are damp when they eventually pull apart, neither of them mentions it. Steve doesn't break the contact completely, keeping his hands on Bucky's shoulders. "I've missed you, Buck." He says.

"But you just saw me." Bucky murmurs because he's too choked up to understand. "For you, it would've been a second."

Steve's hand on his shoulder tightens in response. "Not when I thought I saw you die. I should have known, I should have-"

"I remember that now."

Steve's face falls. "You shouldn't have had to relive that. I'm sorry."

"No, Steve I'm trying to tell you it wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done… nothing that wouldn't have gotten you killed or captured too."

"I should have tried."

Bucky shakes his head frantically. "No, no, not at this cost. You were supposed to be safe. I never wanted you to follow me to the war in the first place. Well, you don't get to follow me to hell this time around, okay? I can… get off my ass and follow you this time."

It's slow, but Steve's shoulders relax. "And where are you following me to?"

"Shut up, it's metaphorical." Bucky grins and is rewarded by Steve's own chocked laugh.

They sit on the couch, now side by side. After the heavy conversation, it's surprisingly easy to fall into comfortable banter. Steve tells him about the vet he met on a run, and Bucky talks about Clint, and the strange agent Coulson who was fawning over Steve all those months ago. He notes the look Steve gets when Bucky mentions Natasha, confirming his suspicions. He can't even bring himself to be mad.

It's still July of 2012 and in the end, they're gonna be alright.

The day after their conversation, Clint is surprised to find Bucky's door broken and Steve sleeping on the couch. "So, I take it we're all good?" He asks once everyone is properly awake, suspicious eyes lingering on Steve.

"Yeah. Well, we will be once someone fixes the door." Bucky teases.

"In my defense…" Steve frowns. "I was making an entrance?"

Bucky shakes his head. "No wonder they put you in theater."

Steve groans though he's not even trying to hide his smile. "Of course you remember that."

"Well I feel cheated, I never got to see you perform." There's no hesitance to admitting the memories now, for which Bucky is immensely grateful. He glances at Clint, noting how his flash of surprise is quickly replaced by an easy grin.

"I have gotta hear about this performance."

And Bucky straight up laughs. "Ask him how many times he's knocked out Hitler."

Later, Natasha comes by and she shows no surprise at all. She just smiles, voice sweet as honey as she claims ignorance to Steve's knowledge about Hydra.

"Thank you." Bucky tells her anyway and is rewarded by seeing her caught off guard for the first time, at least while being in his right mind to appreciate it. The hard demeanor flickers away, revealing someone a little less polished, a little more jagged. They unmade her too, he remembers with a pang. At this moment, he begins to understand why she'd saved him so long ago. And he's glad she did, he realizes with a glance in Steve's direction.

Natasha pulls her masks back in place, but they're far softer now. "You're welcome… Bucky."

Bucky swallows the sudden lump in his throat and nods.

"You know, your friends are kind of scary." Steve jokes later, once they're alone again.

"Aww, Clint is like a teddy bear… or that grandma who can't be trusted to go to the store without taking in a stray."

Steve shifts. "Like Mrs. Tucker?"

"Don't remember that, but sure." Bucky's voice is light, he's glad he can't find disappointment on Steve's face at the lack of memory.

"Old lady who lived across the street. She owned like six cats even though she could barely afford her own rent. Said she couldn't leave them on the street…"

"See? That's Clint!"

"I take it there's a story?" Steve's voice is more careful now.

Bucky's smile tightens. "One for another time."

Steve nods, letting it go.

"You know I was just thinking about how unlikely it was for us to end up here." Bucky says half to change the subject, half because it's been on his mind since his conversation with Natasha. "What was it you said? Both being frozen and found at the same time, what were the odds?"

"There was a lot I didn't know then…"

"Yeah, but you were right. I mean, how did we end up here?"

Steve seems to think about it and his eyes widen. "If I hadn't crashed the plane…"

"Or if I hadn't been found by Shield-" Then Hydra probably would have sent their Asset to deal with the newly returned Captain America. He frowns. "Shit, Steve. I might have- they might have made you my mission."

"You would never hurt me." Steve reassures.

"The Winter Soldier would have." He murmurs, shakes the terrible thought off. "Or of course I could have just succeeded in killing myself before Shield got their hands on me." The words are flippant, he remembers too late that Steve wouldn't know that.

"What?" Steve chokes, eyes wide and alarmed.

Bucky winces, tries to shrug it off. "It's nothing. A stupid thing to say-"

"Bucky, what does that mean?" Steve's voice is panicked, like whatever danger Bucky has revealed is present now. "What do you mean?"

Bucky doesn't want to say it, but he needs to at least make Steve understand he's not some sort of a suicide risk. That's the entire thread that made him start this stupid conversation in the first place. "It was part of the programming – avoid capture at all costs. It's not something you have to worry about now, okay?"

"Y-you… what happened?"

"It's in the past. Why worry about it now?"

Steve stares like Bucky's insane to even ask. "Because you just indicated you've tried to-"

"And you want that image in your head?" Dammit, can't Steve see he's trying to protect him?

Steve's tension gives just an inch. "Not knowing will haunt me more, Buck."

And Bucky could argue with that, he's seen far worse than anything the mind can imagine. But he's spent all these months pushing Steve away, pushing his own identity away because he'd gotten too used to losing it the moment he could feel it in his grasp. Bucky doesn't want to push anymore. He sighs, fixes his gaze on the broken coffee table because he can't talk about this while holding Steve's unwavering gaze. "I had a pill in a secret pocket of my uniform, cyanide. I was supposed to take it if there was any risk of immediate capture. They couldn't risk their 'best Asset' falling into enemy hands." He says the last part with a bitter laugh.

"God, that's…" Steve's voice is as tight as Bucky's ever heard it. "But you didn't try to- right?"

"Of course I did. Steve, all I knew was the mission. There was no… part of me that held even the concept of fighting back." He doesn't mean to say that, but it's not like what he means to say is any less terrible. "I was told to kill Natasha, Barton- Clint was with her. I don't know why I didn't see him, but he wounded me and then they started talking about bringing me in. So I took the pill. Natasha managed to rip it right out of my mouth." After a moment of tense silence, Bucky risks glancing at Steve, and maybe this entire conversation has been a mistake because Steve is physically shaking. "Steve…"

"I'm gonna hug you now." Steve murmurs in warning and launches himself at Bucky before he can process the words.

It's too fast. Bucky's body goes rigid, expecting pain, but then he blinks and it's Steve. Achingly familiar Steve, who seems to be catching on that the sudden touch had been a bad idea. Bucky will scold him for risking being punched by a metal fist for a hug later, but for now, he returns the hug before Steve has a chance to completely pull away.

"Sorry," Steve mumbles into Bucky's back, pulling him closer. "more warning next time." He promises.

"That's okay." And Bucky's voice definitely doesn't waver.

After another moment, Steve pulls back enough to look at him. "Tell me right now if you think any of that… conditioning has a chance of coming back."

And Bucky doesn't want to lie, so he considers it before replying with slow, carefully picked out words: "I don't think so. I can't tell you what would happen if they put me in that machine again, but even when the Asset's- when I've been triggered by stuff, I've felt no pull to follow through with their past orders."

"Okay. Okay, good." Steve's shoulders fall with relief. "I can't lose you, Buck. Now when I just got you back."

"Hey, no one's losing anyone. I'm right here." Bucky knows he has no place making such promises, not when he's got firsthand experience of how quickly everything can fall apart. But he wants it to be true this time. There's been too much loss and pain in both their lives. And now that somehow, against so many odds, they've made it here, he wants to believe they can be okay.

And eventually, they are.

And we've reached the end. I'm quite happy with how this little fic turned out, especially considering it started as a one shot. I don't know if anyone on this site is actually reading this haha, but if you are I hope you enjoyed the ride as well!