Author's Note: The song featured here is based on "Fright of Their Lives" from the Beetlejuice musical.
Any and all comments are welcome.
At the guild hall, Stanley sat nervously while his party surrounded him. Darkness smiled in pleasure, Megumin gazed with curiosity, Aqua was indifferent, and Kazuma furiously tapped his foot on the ground.
"Okay, before you get angry…" Stanley began to say.
"Angry?" Kazuma asked. "Why would I be angry? Could it be because I told you to stay under control while you're wearing that mask, and you ended up going on a joyride?"
"I told you, I have no control over what happens when I wear the mask!" Stanley said. "I warned you something bad might happen, and you just told me to do it anyway."
"I quite enjoyed it." Darkness said.
"Your opinion doesn't matter, Darkness." Kazuma stated, which only pleasured her even more. "Look, Stanley, you need better control over the Mask."
"Well, how am I supposed to do that?" Stanley asked. "Usually, I don't remember what the Mask did until after I wake up."
"Not surprising." Aqua said. "The Mask tends to override your primary thought process with what you hold subconsciously."
"What?" Kazuma asked.
"The Mask. It makes you tenfold on the outside what you are on the inside with an unlimited amount of magic." Aqua said. "And sometimes, what we are on the inside isn't as straightforward as we think. The Mask twists it in a chaotic and unpredictable way. That's why even deities like myself are afraid of it."
"What, are you afraid it'll make you even more useless?" Kazuma asked under his breath.
"HEY! I HEARD THAT!"
Megumin stood over the mask admiring it for a moment. It wasn't long before she wanted to grab it. Thankfully, Kazuma grabbed her arms and removed her from it. She did her best to wrestle her way out of his grip, but he wouldn't let her.
"What do you think you're doing?" Kazuma asked.
"Aqua said it gives people unlimited magic!" Megumin said. "Imagine all the explosions I can make!"
"That's the problem, you trigger happy nutjob!"
"Enough!" Stanley shouted swiping the mask. "Look, the Mask is my responsibility! It should be me who properly uses it! Unfortunately, I don't know how to use it right. It's not me who's in control at the time. It's the Mask."
Kazuma took a moment to rub his chin. Suddenly, an idea flashed in his head. "That's it! If we can't convince you to control the Mask, we'll just convince the Mask to control himself!"
"Say what now?" Stanley asked.
Kazuma brought a chalkboard right to the back of the guild. He took a breath as he wrote the words "Goodness 101" in chalk.
"All right then. Now, the first lesson you should learn is…"
"I'm bored!" the Mask complained as he sat in his school desk. "Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?"
Kazuma sighed. "We did that already?"
"No, I mean really big boobs."
Kazuma facepalmed himself. "Look, Mask, I let you come out so that we can properly help with your nasty habit of making trouble. If Stanley can't control you, the only option is to teach you how to be a good person, not just some psycho who leaves us to the mouths of giant toads."
"This is not going to work." Aqua said.
"Question," Darkness called out, "Is there detention? And if so, what sorts of punishment would they present?"
"I'm not going to dignify that." Kazuma said. "Look, Mask, maybe you don't know how desperate we are. Darkness is a complete weirdo, Megumin can only use one spell per day, and Aqua is basically useless. I'm the only one of us who has any sense at all, and that's not enough. So could you do me this one little thing and help?"
The Mask sighed. "Fiiiiiiine… BUT FIRST…" He hopped out of his desk and made a mad dash to the door. Unfortunately, Megumin jumped in his way.
"Back to your seat, you green-faced sicko!"
The Mask pouted and returned to the desk.
"Great." Kazuma said. "Now, if we can pull this off, then you'll give us the very necessary amount of power needed to make our party even slightly competent.
Kazuma:
Okay. Listen up and listen well
This useless goddess put me through hell
And our Crimson Demon only knows one spell
And our crusader… Well, I'm sure you can tell
Together, we can barely handle
Next to other parties, we don't hold a candle
So what we need a new angle
Just look at you. A power feared by the gods
All pow! Bam! Skadoosh
A trillion tricks that are long against the odds
A miracle that switches
But the only hitch is
That your personality is full of glitches
Like when you let us down
Just to good around
"Hey, some people find that charming." The Mask said.
"Well, I'm not some people!" Kazuma stated.
Kazuma:
We need to straighten you to be better
In order to get our teamwork together
We can't go out just for you to leave us wondering where you weeeeeent
We're desperate, as you can plainly see
You're the best chance there could ever be
Work with me here
So everyone can be clear
Without a dent
That our party could be remotely competeeeeeent
Yeah
Do you save or dance
The Mask:
Ooh, I love the second choice
Do we have a chance
Kazuma:
NO
How do you save a life
The Mask:
Tell the kids to skip school
Go find some hotties and act like fools
Throw a beehive at a mayor
Put makeup at an angry bear
LIVE LIFE WITHOUT A CARE
Kazuma:
Well, this needs some work
Say a monster is about to destroy a village
What do you do
The Mask instantly threw a pie right at Kazuma's face. He wiped it off without any amusement on his face.
Kazuma:
Let's try that again
And this time, I don't want any pie from you
The Mask didn't throw a pie. Instead, he sprayed at Kazuma with the backside of a skunk. Kazuma coughed feeling even worse about his chances.
Kazuma:
What have I done
To be stuck with people so dumb
I know I was no saint, but I've committed no crimes
I thought this fantasy life would be simple
But my party is testing my temper
They're the worst members I could have of all time
WHY NOT GIVE ME A CRUSADER WHO CAN LAND A HIT
OR A WIZARD WHO ISN'T A TOTAL DIMWIT
AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON WHAT AQUA IS…
"Hey, Kazuma!" Aqua yelled out. She stood with her arms crossed along with Megumin and Darkness. "We're right here! We heard every word!"
"…And?" Kazuma asked uncaringly.
"Wow, and you think I'm unbearable?" the Mask laughed.
Kazuma sighed and continued singing.
Kazuma:
We need to straighten you to be better
Megumin:
Kazuma's not respecting us
The Mask:
Let's work together
Kazuma:
Wait what was that
Whatever. I don't have the tempermeeeeeent
The Mask, Aqua, Megumin, and Darkness:
BOO HOO, KAZUMA
Kazuma:
SHUT UP
OH, WHY AM I EVEN TRYING
THIS IS ONE HOUR WASTED I SPEEEEEEENT
ON MAKING MY TEAM REMOTELY COMPETEEEEEENT
I CAN NEVER MAKE THEM COMPETEEEEEEEEENT
WE'LL NEVER BE SEEN AS COMPETENT
SIGH
The Mask laughed wildly. "Oh, you four are a delight! You know what, maybe I'll stick around."
"Really?" Megumin asked.
"Yeah. Why not?" the Mask replied.
"But.. what id you make us dance again?" Darkness asked with red forming in her cheeks. "Or give us wedgies. Or stuff our faces in pie."
"Something tells me you're looking forward to that, blondie," the Mask said, "And I… LOVE IT! You are one crazy hottie and I love it! So…"
He grabbed Darkness and planted her with a cartoon kiss. Right as he did that, the mask slipped off of his face leaving ordinary Stanley Ipkis kissing Dakrness. As soon as he realized where he was, he panicked and stood back. He then turned to Kazuma with a disappointed look.
"I take it it didn't work?" Stanley asked. Kazuma nodded. "Well, this is going to take some getting used to then."
"One thing's for sure," Aqua said, "I can't help but blame Eris for making a stupid mistake."
ACHOO!
The goddess, Eris, rubbed the nose she just sneezed out of. She sighed with a shameful look on her face. "I guess Aqua found out what I did and is cursing at me. It was just an accident. I've got to find a way to fix this."