Chapter 4: Poppies and Wildflowers
Three years later, Levi stands in the kitchen, waiting. He is dressed in a neat, grey suit and polished black shoes. A grey hat is positioned neatly on his combed, black hair, and around his neck he wears a cravat. He doesn't normally wear cravats these days, but today he goes the extra mile, as Mikasa is taking him somewhere special. Although she has not specified where 'somewhere' is, she has asked him to dress smart for the occasion. He idly wonders what she has planned.
The subject of his thoughts emerges from the bedroom dressed in a light pink cardigan, a white, collared shirt, a pleated yellow skirt that reaches down to her ankles, and dark brown ankle boots. A complimentary yellow hat with a pink ribbon decorates her head and contrasts prettily with her silky, black hair, now tied back in a ponytail. Her grey eyes, once so cold and indifferent, sparkle gently at the sight of him. In her arms is a miniature version of him decked out in a long-sleeved, collared shirt, a black waistcoat, brown britches, and black shoes. The only difference between father and son is that the latter has a healthy plumpness and an innocent twinkle in his eyes that the former at his age could never afford. Niels' lips are also more delicate than his. All in all, Levi finds these minor discrepancies more than acceptable.
"Dada!" His son cries, waving his arms.
"Nisse recognises his own," Levi purrs, using Niels' nickname. He thinks smugly of how aggressively Mikasa had staked her claim on Niels' features only to have her son subsequently defy it thoroughly. In just three short years, Niels is already doing his father proud.
Mikasa glares as if she has read Levi's thoughts. "He still has my lips."
"And you've deliberately let his hair grow long, but that does little to change the facts," Levi says pointedly. "Too bad. Maybe you'll have better luck with our second." Levi's gaze falls on the bump that is just beginning to show and Mikasa mock huffs. Levi takes his son from his mother. In doing so, he notices a small bundle that is secured to Mikasa's back with a knot on her front.
"What's that?"
"Nothing much," she replies, and refuses to say more when pressed.
And so, the Ackerman family sets out into a crisp spring morning. In the surrounding fields, blades of grass dip downwards, tipped with remnants of early morning dew that glisten under gentle, golden rays of sunlight. A soft wind rustles through the trees, chased by whispers of birdsong. Above them, white, fluffy, clouds roll by like majestic ships in a sea of azure blue sky. All in all, it is a lovely day for an outing.
First, they saunter over to the Arlert residence, which is only a short walk from the Ackerman residence and along the way into town. Levi knocks on the door and is greeted by Armin in a white, crumpled shirt that falls untucked over the waistband of his trousers. He looks flustered and his hair is dishevelled. For the first time in a long time, Armin Arlert looks totally unpresentable.
"Captain. Mikasa." Armin's eyes drop to the active infant squirming in his father's arms. He lets out a weak smile. "And Niels! What are you all doing here?"
"Sorry to drop by unannounced. Will you be at home all day?" Levi asks.
"Yes. Annie's meeting a friend, so I'm looking after Rose while she's out." A loud crash comes from within the house, and Armin's eye twitches almost imperceptibly. Levi arches an eyebrow.
"We have some business to take care of in town. I was going to ask if you could watch over Nisse, but it sounds like you already have your hands full."
"U-Um, yeah, sorry…"
Levi looks at Mikasa, who pushes her bottom lip out and looks away sadly on cue. "That's alright. We can always ask Reiner and Pieck to watch him instead." Reiner and Pieck live on the other side of town, and with Levi's leg, it is an uncomfortable walk. Armin's eyes widen with guilt.
"Well, I guess Rose could use a playmate…"
"Great." Levi hands his cooing son over to Armin. "We'll be back in the afternoon to collect him."
"Thanks Armin," Mikasa mumbles sheepishly.
"Ah-min!" Niels declares.
Armin stares at the toddler in his arms, who looks back at him with wide, wondering eyes. Niels' hand slowly reaches upwards. For a moment it looks as if he is reaching up to toy with Armin's fine hair, but at the last moment his hand snaps sideways to give his temporary carer a strong, firm pinch on the cheek.
"Ow!"
"Nisse! That's not nice!" Mikasa scolds, pulling her son's hand away. Niels gives an indignant cry.
"It's okay, Mikasa. I'm fine." Armin laughs awkwardly, rubbing the reddening spot. Then, to the squirming toddler in his arms: "You think you're strong, don't you? Unfortunately for you, I can take a lot more than that!"
Another crash reaches their ears, and from the sound it seems as if Rose has found an expensive porcelain tea set. They hear Rose cry out in a sing-song voice.
"Uh-oh!"
"Uh-oh!" Niels echoes gleefully. All the colour drains out of Armin's face.
"I have to go check on Rose. See you later. Come back soon!" The door slams shut.
As they retreat down the garden path, Mikasa dips her head.
"I feel bad for him." Although he is an angel around his parents, Niels has a natural talent for terrorising his babysitters. Coupled with Rose, who is a regular mischief maker, the two are almost certainly more than Armin can handle alone. It is a secret universally known that the Eldian representative is as adept with adults as he is inept with troublemaking toddlers.
"Don't." Levi says. "That brat is the reason why we're married in the first place."
"Mm-hm," Mikasa hums.
"So, you said you needed to take me somewhere," Levi says. "I put my cravat on for this. It had better be good."
"It will be," Mikasa says. "We're making two stops. The first one is in town."
They walk together, content in the quiet company. Slowly, the gravel paths and green fields give way to paved streets, roads, and dense blocks of houses and shops. Despite the early hour, many of the townsfolk are already up and about, and there is a busy hum in the air. They walk down a narrow street that opens out onto the market square before making a left turn, followed by a right. At the corner, Mikasa indicates to a store with a clean, glass windowfront and a handsome, dark green awning. It is empty inside, but the walls are painted a beige white and the wooden floor is swept clean.
"About time you move out of that hovel." Levi says. Mikasa's market stall has become a local town attraction with a loyal customer base, and he has often tried to talk her into acquiring a more permanent store location.
"That 'hovel' you're referring is actually a prime location and I like it very much, thank you for asking." Mikasa retorts. "Anyway, I didn't buy this store for myself, I bought it for you. You can start up a new shop here. Maybe for selling suits, or porcelain, or toys…or tea."
Levi's eyes widen. In the past three years, he had thought his wife close-handed with her money. He would never have dreamed that this was the reason.
"How did you know I wanted to open a tea shop?"
"You mentioned it once before. I've also got you a willing assistant. Falco offered to assist on the shop floor where needed and his connections with the merchants will help you procure a good supply of tea."
Levi narrows his eyes. "I can't accept this. I have my job."
"You should follow your dreams."
"Sentimental nonsense," Levi scoffs. "We need the money from my job for living expenses."
"With our combined savings, there will be enough to help you get your business started and to keep us comfortable in the meantime. I've looked through the books." Mikasa says. Levi raises an eyebrow, for it means she has snuck into the basement and rifled through their accounts while he was at work. "And I don't know how you take it, but I don't want to hear about how the three Cs treat my husband like he's dirt on the underside of their shoes. Or the dirt stuck to that dirt, for that matter. For people who like to mention how grateful they are to you for saving their lives, they treat you horribly."
The 'three Cs' (the full name of which will not be detailed here because it is not meant for delicate eyes) refers to Levi's panel of three superiors and their particular characteristics.
"I only have to put up with them once every two weeks," Levi mutters. "The rest of the job is not so bad."
"Not so bad?" Mikasa's expression of shock turns into one of cold disappointment. "I'm surprised. For someone who fought so hard for freedom beyond the walls, I didn't think 'not so bad' was what you strove for. You know, you're good at giving your heart when it comes to others, but terrible when it comes to your own wants."
"What good are my wants next to our needs? Nothing."
Mikasa's expression softens. "You're right. We never had enough. We lost our families at a young age and scraped by on the charity of others. When we grew older, we fought for freedom beyond the walls. And even when we gained that, we lost everything else and had to rebuild our lives. All our lives, we have been struggling to earn as much as the right to fulfil our basic needs. But now, we have freedom. We have money. We have a beautiful home, a beautiful son, and another child on the way. For the first time in our lives, we can look beyond our needs and fulfil our wants. I want to do this for you, and I hope you want this too." He feels her warm, slender fingers curl around his tenderly.
Levi is at a loss for words. This is the first time someone has done something purely in his own interest without his asking. He lowers his head in shame.
"I do. But how can I repay you?" He mutters.
Mikasa cups his face and lifts it so that his eyes meet hers. "If you want to repay me, then do so by accepting this. Throughout our marriage, you have given me everything and left nothing for yourself. Please, let me do something for you for once." She plants a chaste kiss on his cheek.
An unfamiliar, indescribable feeling surges in his chest. Perhaps this is happiness, he thinks as he pulls his wife into a fierce hug and inhales her sweet, clean, scent. How strange, how comforting. To think that just a little forgiveness, difficult as it had been to bestow at the time, could bring so much happiness. How right his mother had been.
"Thank you." The faces of the three Cs flash into his mind, and he relishes the prospect of seeing their incredulous and outraged expressions when he hands in his notice. Amongst the officers of his rank, Levi is clearly the most competent, and he is certain his department's productivity will plummet when he leaves.
"You're welcome." They stay like that for a few moments, and then Mikasa pulls away.
"We can make plans for the tea shop later. For now, there's one more place that I'd like to take you to." Her tone is suddenly flat, and Levi notices the slight tremble in her frame. He eyes the bundle on her back and plays on his hunch.
"Are you sure you're ready to go there?"
Wordlessly, Mikasa loops her arm through his, and they walk off together.
Mikasa leads Levi to the outskirts of town. At the gates, she speaks shortly with the guards, who at length allow them to pass through. A few hundred meters ahead, they turn off the dusty road and head east, traveling over knolls of knotted, wild grass specked with wildflowers. The last time she had been here was before the town walls had been erected, and the landscape had since changed drastically from its initial pockmarked surface of dust and rocky craters. Nature had returned, resilient and determined as ever, to paint the land with its own creations.
"Tch. Good thing it hasn't rained all week, or my shoes would be filthy," Levi remarks.
"If you want to turn back first, you can," she retorts, her voice tight. He catches her defensive tone and his grip on her arm tightens.
"No. I need to make sure you don't chicken out."
Mikasa fears she no longer remembers the location, but like a homing pigeon returning to roost, her senses guide her faithfully. Eventually, she spots the landmark: a young sapling, protruding stout and strong above the wild grass.
The wind rises, billowing through her hair and her skirt. Mikasa unhooks her arm from Levi's and takes a few steps forward. A lump rises in her throat.
"It's been six years," she whispers, her voice breaking. Where had time gone? She sways a little but feels Levi's hand on the small of her back, steadying her.
"We've already come all this way. It would be a shame to turn back now." He gives her a gentle push, driving her forwards. They walk until they reach the sapling, next to which an unmarked tombstone sits.
After the Rumbling, the Marleyans had demanded Eren's head as proof that the Eldians had indeed killed the man claiming to be their saviour, and Mikasa had been forced to hand Eren's head over. So, for want of a body, burial, and resting place, Mikasa had secretly returned to the site of Eren's death shortly after, placed an unmarked tombstone for him there, and planted a sapling to mark the site. In the depression that had followed, she had neglected to tell the others of its presence, but also been too afraid to visit because of her overwhelming emotions and the fear that someone might have desecrated Eren's memorial in her absence. But as she looks upon the makeshift grave, her turbulent emotions are replaced with relief and regret. She is comforted to see that nature, indiscriminate as it is, has forgiven Eren's mindless destruction and flourished to provide a peaceful resting place, if only in concept, for him. And she is sorry that she hasn't been brave enough to come sooner.
She feels Levi's comforting hand slip from her back and watches apprehensively as he strides before her to survey the tombstone with flinty eyes. She had been too afraid to tell him that they were coming here in advance. How would he react to the man whose memory had almost ruined their marriage?
"Jaeger, long time no see," Levi says, his voice strangely loud in that quiet, peaceful place. "If you were alive, I would beat the shit out of you for doing what you did. You hurt your friends; you hurt Mikasa. But you made your decision to dedicate your heart and give up your life for a peaceful future. As your former squad captain, I could not have asked more of you. Say hello to Erwin, Hange, and the others for me."
He turns and walks back to Mikasa's side, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Take your time," he says, then adds as he walks away, "within reason." Mikasa shakes her head in amusement at his infuriating pragmaticism, but the mood is fleeting. Suddenly, she is alone with Eren.
"Hello, Eren. It's me, Mikasa," she says in a small voice. "I'm sorry it took me so long to visit. For a long time, I didn't want to understand why you did what you did or why you chose to die. It put me in a really…dark place…for a while. But I don't blame you. We were all so young back then, and you were given a responsibility that none of us knew how to handle."
Dropping to her knees, she unties the bundle from her back and spreads its contents out over the grass. "I brought you flowers. Poppies, because I'll never forget you; and roses, because a small part of me will always love you." Her fingers brush over a red cloth, its colour faded with time and disuse. At some point, the nightmares had become so vivid that she had had to hide Eren's scarf from sight and mind. She blinks furiously, but the tears fall anyway. She forces back a sob. She is still not ready for it.
Placing the scarf to the side, she arranges the flowers carefully before the tombstone and sits back when she is done.
"I married Levi two years after the war," she continues quietly. "We had to get married because the government wanted people to have children and repopulate the earth. It was a loveless union at first because I so wanted it to be you. I almost drove him away. But Levi is selfless to a fault. He learned to love me. Even when I pushed him away, he put his own feelings, wants, and needs to the side to forgive me, protect me, and make me happy. When I realised that, I couldn't help but fall in love with him. He deserves the world. And if I can give it to him, if only for a little while, I will do it. Now, we have a son, Niels, and another child on the way. I'll bring them both to meet you when I come again, and I promise to tell the others about you so they can visit you, too."
Her voice, which had been timid at the start of her speech, rises to a feverish and determined pitch as she speaks. But her heart, until now hardened to brittle glass to hold back the tears, cracks ever so slightly as she finally confesses to Eren the truth she has already given Levi. "You gave me a future, and Levi gave me peace. So, while I'll never forget you, I'll be moving on with my life, and Levi will be by my side. I hope you understand."
The wind rustles around her, blowing loose strands of hair that cling to her wet cheeks. Even after six long years of separation, she abhors the silence. As she kneels before Eren's grave, crying silently, she longs desperately to hear or see him one last time.
There is a sudden gust of wind; a shadow falls across Mikasa's face. She feels the cool rush of beating wings above her and the caress of feathers against her cheeks. She flinches at the sensation, but when she opens her eyes again, she notices one of the poppies she had placed on the grave has been swept into her lap.
Remember me forever.
Looking up, she notices a white bird gliding in the sky, and her heart is touched. There is beauty and completeness in the words she has heard, contrasting so starkly with the terrible request Eren had demanded of her in her faraway dream. Instinctively, she knows that this is what Eren really wanted. Eren has heard her, and Eren understands.
The knowledge is liberating.
"Thank you, Eren. I'll be going now. I'll see you around," she says. She tidies herself and, gathering Eren's scarf into her bundle and securing the bundle around her torso once again, rises to her feet. Looking about, she spots her husband further afield and makes her way towards him.
Levi turns as she approaches, a bunch of wildflowers in his hand. He offers them to her; smiling, she accepts. She kisses him on the cheek and takes his arm. They linger a little longer in paradise before returning to town.
-FIN-
A/N: Thank you so much for reading and for following the story to the end. It's been quite a journey. What started off as a story about forgiving and being forgiven turned into a story about overcoming grief, remembrance, and acceptance. I had this concept before reading the manga, but Isayama provided a way for this story to enter the canonverse with chapter 138's events. Originally, the story would have ended somewhere around the end of chapter 2, with more indication that Levi found it in himself to forgive Mikasa. But after finishing the manga I felt the story would have been incomplete without further mention of Eren.
Author's babble over, thank you once again for reading. It's been a joy to see the love for the story and to read your reviews! If you like what you read here and want something lighter, I will shamelessly plug my other RivaMika story (you'll know the one :-) ), and I will post more short stories (RivaMika, amongst others). So watch this space!