A/N: If you want the whole experience, I suggest listening to You're in my veins by Andrew Belle, or You're someone else by Flora Cash. I wrote this chapter with these songs on repeat while it tore my heart apart.
Depression
The day following her first talk with Hiashi, Tenten woke up to the sound of fluttering wings outside her windows, still thinking of Neji. The ball was back, darker, heavier, louder, more uncontrollable than ever. She still didn't understand what it wanted, what she had to do to calm the growing anxiety, the unscalable ache. At the same time, Tenten felt empty. She felt so empty that it felt heavy, just like silence can be loud.
It was still early, too early to get out of bed. The sun had not risen yet, and she dreaded when it would. She didn't want to face another day, acknowledge life continuing its course. She wanted time to stand still, so she could catch her breath and also stay still. If she stayed completely still, if the world ceased its motion, if everyone just froze, then everything would stop, stop being, stop hurting. Neji couldn't be dead if the whole world died, if even the notion of death died.
She turned in her bed, away from the window. The first rays of sunrise were slowly creeping in her room and it washed out bit by bit the darkness that comforted her. Everything in her mind and body begged her not to leave the bed. Alas, she needed to train, like she always did. It would be akin to betraying Neji if she didn't go; she had to. Still, her body was completely motionless. She was exhausted as if all of her energy and willpower were cemented to her bones. She tried steeling herself to get up and rubbed in her wounds how disappointed Neji would be if he saw her, but she felt lifeless; she had no volition of her own.
Today, she decided, was the very first day she would miss training since her academy days.
She knew she wouldn't be able to fall back asleep; the ball was too heavy, too painful for rest. Still, she stayed in bed, contemplating her situation. It's only when it became impossible to ignore the sunlight pouring in through her sheer curtains that Tenten decided to wake up. She went to her closet and rummaged in her things until she found a large black blanket she kept in for the cold nights. She summoned nails and a hammer out of one of her utility scrolls and proceeding to nail the black drape over the window. How ironic it was, would think Tenten, that she chose this apartment because of how much sun filled it, but now wanted nothing more but to block all the light from coming in. When every corner of the window was sealed with a nailed cover, Tenten exhaled in relief and went back to her bed, more at ease.
She felt so tired that she couldn't imagine doing anything. Nothing gave her joy or pleasure anymore; the only thing she wanted was to stay safe, in her bed, forever. She tightened her oversized comforter over her and let herself fall back into slumber.
Falling asleep is the only grace left in this world, she thought.
However, waking up was absolute hell. It was reviving his death all over again, reacquainting herself with a world suffering his absence, over and over again. If she weren't so tired, the fear of waking up and re-experiencing his death, again and again, would have been enough to impede her from sleeping.
For the next hours, she would fall in and out of sleep, from thoughts of him to dreams of him. She always woke up thinking of him as if her dreams seamlessly transformed into awakened musings.
In the following days, she barely left her bed. She would lay all day, staring at the ceiling or the wall next to her bed, and she would think. About him, about them.
She had dreamed of him again this night. She'd see him turn his back to her. She could still imagine the perfect shapes of his eyebrows. The calm intensity with which his eyes seemed to read her soul. His hair, like silk strands framing his perfect face, his strong jaw.
She always thought he was utterly, breathlessly beautiful. Seeing him every day, she stopped thinking about it. But there were still times her heart would skip a beat when he casually turned towards her or when his hair was still damp from the bathhouse. Those times, it would feel to Tenten like she was seeing him again for the very first time. He was so effortlessly elegant, poised, graceful, yet deadly and dangerous.
He was so secretive about his feelings, if he had any. But Tenten suspected he did. She suspected he did more than anyone else she had ever known and that's what made him so intoxicating for her. She was attracted to his cold, controlled but extremely intense fervour. Neji Hyuuga was the most passionate person she knew, and that, in contrast to his perfectly collected demeanour, made him irresistible in Tenten's opinion. She'd have followed him anywhere; she'd put her fate in his hands, eyes closed for the rest of her life. Never had she met any man who emanated this level of confidence and obstinacy and sheer hunger for more, for everything more, but in a very serene, focused way.
Tenten's chest tightened at his remembrance, at the idea she would never meet anyone that could hope to resemble him; she would never get to experience more of this enigmatic, magnetic pull he had over her. She'd never gaze into his eyes again, feeling like the only person being able to read them. She missed his voice, how he said her name, how he'd ask her if she was alright. She knew other people were there for her, but she feared nobody would ever be there the way he did.
She'd run to him all the time when she was happy, sad or angry. He was there. He did not understand everything all the time, but he was there nonetheless. Steadily gazing at her, silently accepting her in his personal space, allowing her to get close to him, even when at his most vulnerable. Even now, when he was the farthest away possible from her, all she wanted was to run to him.
She had never wanted anything more in her entire life.
Once a thought crossed her mind. A ridiculous one, she would think. Nevertheless, she wondered if he was still there, watching them.
Outside, she could hear fluttering wings of early birds taking flight.
She shook her head at the childish, wishful notion.
It was a stupid thing, really, but as she laid in her bed, hair sprawled on her pillow, staring at the ceiling: all she could think of was how beautiful he was. It was a shallow thing to reminisce about someone, mostly when he had so many more extraordinary attributes. Except her mind didn't appear to play by logical rules anymore. In the dimly lit room of her home, she could picture every detailed feature of his face and body as if he was standing right in front of her. Sometimes, when she tumbled from sleep to awakening, she could almost hear him say her name. But she would open her eyes and realize the only sound she could hear was the fluttering of nocturnal birds.
Her mind would go back to him all the time. His nose, his mouth, his shoulders; how lean, muscular and graceful he was. His hair. His beautiful, beautiful hair. And his eyes, calm, gentle, decisive, analytic. How they felt on her skin, staring back at her hazelnut ones, lingering on her face when she was deep in thoughts, straying on her back to protect her. She wanted to rub her nose against his, caressing his lips with hers, slide her hands from his jaw to his shoulders. She wanted to press herself against his torso, feel his muscular embrace, on last time. Even if it was just during a sparring session where she would end up on the ground. She wanted to feel him, smell him, taste him.
She hated herself for waiting for the impossible moment before realizing how much she craved his touch. As much as she hated it, images of her with him came swarming in, unauthorized, forbidden, taboo.
He's dead, he's dead, he's dead, she would repeat to herself.
Still, her thoughts wandered back on the smoothness of his pale skin, on how his mouth would travel on every inch of her body. How his kisses would feel, passionate, hungry, domineering. And she would dig her fingers in his shoulder blades, run her lips from his jugular, down on his chest, drifting down to his pelvis.
But then images would change back to how she actually knew him. She would try very diligently to find him flaws, but everything in him was absolutely perfect. The intensity of his gaze when he stared at her, reading her, unwaveringly, accurately, scanning her entire being. She could keep no secret from him.
She realized that to all the distress she was already feeling, another emotion was pilling up into the messy ball of dread and anguish that settled indefinitely in her thorax. More than missing him, she yearned for him.
Yearned with a passion. Fierce, fiery, untamable passion.
She yearned for him so strongly it physically hurt, she could feel her skin aching to be touched by him, her body to nestle in his, her nose to smell his essence. Her cheeks rubbing against his clothes, the strands of his hair tickling the small of her back. His lips on her forehead, his nose resting on her head.
How many circles of torture, of hell was there left for her to go through? As if admitting his death wasn't enough? As if reliving his death over and over again, realizing she couldn't bargain him back, wasn't enough? As if being mad at everyone, and mostly at herself, didn't scorch her to her very soul enough?
When will it be enough? Will it ever stop?
The only respite Tenten gave herself was the frequent showers she took to alleviate the physical ache that inhabited her. She was so hungry, starving for him, that if he appeared out of nowhere, she would not hesitate to run to him, enlace her arms around his neck and shove him down the nearest wall so every inch of her body could mold against his… and she could finally breathe again. Breath him in.
She could finally live again.
It was almost a week of her current state when Gai-sensei and Lee came to visit. She almost didn't answer her door, she detested the amount of noise they made. It disrupted the safe space of contemplative torture she created for herself, for her grief.
After the third knock, she begrudgingly got up to open the door for them and went back to bed without saying anything or acknowledging them entering her home. If she did, she would have noticed how their smiles faltered, how their eyes teared up and how their shoulders ever so slightly fell down at the sight of what usually was a sunny, well-kept apartment with fresh flowers gracing her kitchen table.
They threw a concerned look at the empty water bottles on the floor, the discarded weapons on the counters, the nailed cover on the window, the empty vase on the table. It didn't escape their brief analysis of her living environment that there seemed to be no sign of eaten food or even of utilized dishes. They didn't need to open her fridge to understand it was empty.
They turned their attention to their teammate, camouflaged in her bed, facing away from them. They exchanged another look and Gai-sensei signalled Lee to follow him. They walked into her living space with the same solemn caution they would have used while entering a city ravaged by war. When Gai-sensei sat on Tenten's bed, Lee crouched down on the floor, his arms resting on his friend's mattress.
"Tenten," Gai-sensei spoke softly.
The kunoichi didn't make any move signalling she had heard him, but he knew she did. He put a hand on her ankle, over the cover.
"Tenten," Gai repeated. "When was the last time you went outside?"
The pair of men eyed her worryingly, and after one minute or so of silence, she finally decided to shrug her shoulders.
"I don't know." Tenten's voice came like a croak. "A few days, maybe five or six."
"Yes, six," Tenten answered finally, sleepily.
Gai squeezed her ankle gently and Lee put his hand on his teammate's covered shoulder.
For the first time in a very long time, they were at a loss for words.
The following day, she heard another knock on her door. This time, she decided she wouldn't open it. She was sure that after a few knocks unanswered, even her teacher and her teammate would understand it was of no use. But the knocks continued, to her growing annoyance. When they thankfully stopped, she heard the rustling of steps going away and sighed in a mix of relief and disappointment. She didn't necessarily like how she isolated herself, but she didn't know how to feel at ease with people sharing her space anymore. Her loneliness was a shield against having to face the real world that would inevitably force her to face her own conflicting emotions regarding her loved one's death.
But the rustling of steps came back and this time, the knock wasn't as hesitant as before.
"Tenten," the voice of her unexpected friend came firmly behind the door. "Please, open the door."
Tenten took a few seconds and sighed, deciding it wouldn't do to be so rude to friends worried about her wellbeing. She could indulge her as she did Lee and Gai-sensei for a few minutes and go back to oblivion.
"Sakura." Tenten greeted.
She was a bit perplexed, she didn't expect Sakura to show up. They all seemed so wrapped up in their own worlds after the war, the Konoha 11 haven't had time to meet yet. And she dreaded the day they would meet again, this time without Neji. This idea tugged her heart even more.
"How are you?" Came the soft reply of her friend as she entered the apartment.
Tenten shrugged and went back to her bed. Back in her covers, sitting her back against her pillows. She looked at Sakura, who quickly glanced at the blacked-out window before she came to sit on Tenten's bed.
"Have you eaten anything?" Sakura asked, her eyes taking in her friend's state with worry.
She had stumbled onto Gai-sensei and Lee earlier that day. When inquiring on Tenten's whereabouts, their eyes went downwards. Sakura remembered the last time she saw her friend at the funeral, how her hands kept shaking. The unmentionable desolation in her eyes. Gai and Lee briefed her grossly on her friend's situation and she brought a hand to her lips in apparent concern. She had also visited Ino many times and when Shikamaru was there, they discussed once or twice the degrading state of Tenten, how they heard her in the clearing that day and her frequent nightly visit to Neji's grave. Not that it was abnormal, everyone was coping the way they could. But no one did with such isolation. Then again, no one else lost the one friend they turned to when grieving.
Tenten didn't speak to Sakura, she kept staring blankly at the wall behind her. Sakura didn't know how to start, what the right words were to get her friend to discuss with her.
"How are you feeling?" Sakura whispered.
Tenten bit her lip, she wanted to find an answer that would appease her friend and send her on her way less worried, but she was already betrayed by her watery eyes still staring into nothingness. "Like I'm just waiting for death to pick me next." Came her honest reply. She gave her a wry chuckle in an attempt to alleviate the seriousness of her claim.
Sakura frowned, sadness gracing her features. "Want to talk about it?" She offered.
"What is there to talk about?" Tenten asked, before adding, resigned: "Neji is dead."
"Your feelings, Tenten. You have to process them." The younger kunoichi said, at which Tenten frowned, anger flashing in her eyes.
"What?" She hissed back. "Isn't all of this satisfactory to you." Tenten shot her a glare with a gesture of her hand, designating the state of her condition. The covered window, the clothes piling up in a corner, the uneaten food Lee and Gai-sensei brought her yesterday.
"What more could I possibly do?" Tenten shot back. "I cannot conceive how much more wretchedness I can put myself into."
Then Tenten whispered as if more to herself: "Everything is dark. It's already more than I can take."
After a moment of silence Sakura thought best not to interrupt, Tenten added: "He died, he was my friend, and he isn't there anymore. And I'm acting as if we lost the war. I don't understand why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. I thought after a few weeks, I would be back doing the things I usually did. But no, I-"
Tenten's voice cracked and she had to stop to swallow back tears.
"I," She continued more softly. "I have been stuck, not only stuck, but things have been going downhill since his funeral, rapidly spiralling out of my control. And I-"
Her voice went up an octave, her throat constricting as she could feel emotions bubbling up to the surface, the ball inside her chest growing more prominent than ever, crushing her, tormenting her.
"And," She stifled a sob. "And it hurts." She could barely speak, her voice came out shrill as words could narrowly escape her throat, for it was so tightly wound. "It hurts right here." She pointed to her chest. "It is physical. I can feel my heart breaking. Like my chest is about to explode. My bones about to cave in." Tenten's voice started sounding more desperate by the second. "And it grows bigger and bigger, and I can't make it stop."
Sakura looked at her friend with evident pain in her eyes.
"Maybe," Sakura murmured, searching Tenten's eyes with her own. "Maybe, the answer is not to make it stop?"
Tenten looked at her incredulous. Not make it stop? How could she not protect herself from something that so obviously would cause her harm, would unquestionably destroy her.
As if reading her mind, the pink-haired kunoichi continued: "Everybody grieves differently. You cannot rush grief; it unfolds in specific ways depending on everybody's experiences and relationship to the deceased. What you had with Neji, nobody else had it." Sakura mentally pinched herself for sounding so much like one of her medical textbooks. "The same way what Lee or Hinata or Naruto had with him were very different from you and each other. You need to let your grief follow its course, or else what you have been feeling here..." Sakura stopped to put her hands on her own chest. "Is going to grow and haunt you until you decide to acknowledge it and let it run free."
"It won't go away simply because you wish it away."
Tenten looked bewilderingly at Sakura. She couldn't possibly proceed with what her friend demanded of her. Sakura did not understand. The pain looming in her chest was comparable to nothing else in her life. It would be an all-consuming despair she wouldn't be able to survive. That she was sure of it.
"I-I can't." Tenten pleaded. "I can't. I can't."
"Tenten, listen to me." Sakura took her hands and approached her face centimetres away from her friend's, locking her emerald eyes with hazelnut ones.
"To get through this," Sakura whispered resolutely. "You need to go through it."
"Through all the pain." The pink-haired Kunoichi insisted.
Tenten shook her head, desperate.
"No, please. Please, everything but that." Tenten begged, her throat tightening.
"It will kill me." She added in a murmur.
Sakura pressed her forehead to her friend's and nodded against it. "You need to face your depression, Tenten. " She told her softly. "To get through this grief, you need to go through your feelings and process them."
Still shaking her head, Tenten was afraid. She was horrified of the pain she would unleash because once it was out, she would have no control over it. She wouldn't be able to seal it back and it terrified her to lose control in a sea of angst and hurt. She fought against it with all her might, but the ball was now bigger than ever, threatening to spill out of her in every possible way and it petrified her.
"Tenten," Sakura whispered. "I'm here, you can let it go." She squeezed her friend's hands. "It's going to be okay."
After the silence had settled, Sakura softly added :
"Let me bear witness to your pain."
After a moment of reflection, Tenten took a deep breath as she prepared herself to mentally fall off a cliff, trusting her friend to catch her. She took another deep breath, her face grimacing in a silent scream and only when did her tears started spilling out, did her face start to relax. At first, the tears collected incredibly slowly, barely forming at the corner of her eyes. But as she followed the advice of her friend and let herself bask in the pain she was feeling, they came faster, bigger, scalding her cheeks. It appeared like they had been swelling up in her heart because they found no way out with her unawareness of her need to weep, her avoidance of pain. However, now, they seized the long-awaited opportunity to spill out freely.
Tenten was shocked and overwhelmed at the amount of pain. She didn't know if she had it in herself to cry all the tears that rushed out. She strongly doubted she had the strength to birth all this monstrous pain that needed to see the day, for it felt infinite, never-ending.
It felt like utter despair.
Unconquerable desolation.
Tenten thought she must have never known the true meaning of miserable until this very moment, and she doubted many people ever experienced it. The world around her was coming to an end. Everything seemed like pure misery and heartbreak. The sun would never shine again, the birds would never sing again, love could never find its way back and she could never be alive anymore. Cursed to endure life, completely dead.
Tenten rested her head on Sakura's shoulder and started sobbing, at first softly like a murmur, but as the pain became uncontrollable, so was her reaction and the sound amplified to full-on wails. She was not in control of how her body needed to react to vessel this pain. Yet, she felt ashamed and guilty at such a display of her vulnerability. She wasn't raised this way. She didn't grow up like this, not with Neji.
"I-I'm s-sorry." She blabbered, her shoulders shaking with irrepressible sobbing.
Sakura hugged her tightly, proceeding to tell her she shouldn't feel sorry, that she was doing the bravest thing she could do, but Tenten was already far away. Her pain forced her mind to run wild, aimlessly at anything that could alleviate the hurt, but it didn't know where to go anymore, in which figment of its existence to take refuge, so it went back to the very beginning.
Neji.
The first time she saw him in their academy days. His pale orbs, his anger, the distrust and disgust he felt for everyone painted on the features of such a little child. The first time she realized, she was assigned to his team. When she walked in front of him and joined the team, seating down on the stone bench where she saw for the first time his face up close. The first flutter of her heart. The first time he spoke, how he spoke so arrogantly to Lee. The first time he set his eyes on her when she shared her dream, defiantly waiting to be mocked too, only to feel him study her closer. The first time they set foot on their training grounds.
The first test Gai-sensei made them pass. The first time they unknowingly bonded as a team over the unsaid relief they felt of having passed his test. The first time she sparred with him, how easily he encircled her waist and threw her away. How he silently watched her grow up, find her unique talents. The first time they trained outside of Gai-sensei's guidance. The first kunai she threw at him. The first smirk he gave her. The first of many times they fought each other, with ease, trust, respect, dedication, hunger. All the sparring sessions they had during their younger years came flooding in like heavily pouring rain.
The first time he opened up to her after she lay on the ground spent from their training session. He had yet to break a sweat, his back was facing her. He told her to get up and start again, she objected that she needed rest. He told her again to get up, more forcefully. She said no. 'Get up.' He repeated, almost growling. And then more softly: 'I need to do this for my father.' He turned towards her, her brows furrowing at the first personal thing Neji ever said to her. He took his headband off and her eyes narrowed at the seal on his forehead. He closed his eyes and told her his story. Not all the details, he would tell those little by little over the next months, but he gave her the big picture. When he finished talking, he still kept his eyes closed, almost in annoyance because he could imagine her eyes, her expression of pity. He didn't want to be pitied. He wanted to train. But as he was about to tell her so, a Kunai flew past his head, a few millimetres away. He smirked and opened his eyes, readying himself in his combat stance. He looked at her eyes that held no pity, simply warmth and determination.
And for the rest of his life, she never refused him a training session or another round.
The first time they went eating together after training, she had butterflies and didn't understand why. It was also the first time she opened up to him about her past, her childhood, why Tsunade was her hero.
The first mission they had, when her moves completed his like a fluid chain of motions, how she didn't know where her kicks ended and his began. How their backs pressed against each other without a second thought. The first time he put himself in front of a weapon to shield her. The first time she did the same for him.
The first time they were asked by their mentor to take the Chuunin exams. When Neji declined at her surprise as she didn't understand why. The first time they took the Chuunin exams, the ease in which she threw kunai over his trusting meditating form, talking about what was to come. The silent way by which they shared information and knew what the other was thinking. The calming way they'd rest next to each other on a branch.
The first time she was completely defeated, by Temari, and the way he knew which move she would use before she even started her motion. The first time he fainted from exhaustion after training. His fight with Naruto, how she watched his every move, cheering him every second of his battle. Glancing sideways at the Hyuugas present. Wishing he'd show them how incredibly ignorant they were. The crowd would gasp as Neji revealed bit by bit who he was, his story, what he was made of. But she didn't. Her gaze softened at him, seizing the moment he had been waiting for. She caught Hiashi's glimpse, and he knew she already knew. Her lack of complete surprise on family matters that were kept secret told him all he needed to know about the proximity his nephew fostered with the young weapon mistress. His talk with Hiashi after, the first time she ever saw him at peace and how full her heart felt looking at him.
The first time he wanted to protect Hinata, when she was kidnapped during the destruction of Konoha, and how it went without saying she would be there for him, with him, next to him. How when everything was back to normal, she asked him to come to see Tsunade with her. He had kindly refused, but next thing she knew, while she was admiratively gazing at Tsunade and the fireworks, he was next to her, by her side.
Their first mission with Naruto. How they slept next to each other, how he interrupted her discussion with Naruto. How he was strangely staring at her. Their shared amused exasperation at Naruto. Their usual combat pose, their backs pressed to each other. The comfort of his warmth, his muscles rubbing against her own as they defeated enemy after enemy.
The first time he went on a mission without her to rescue Sasuke. The panic she fell into when he came back in pieces. The tears she cried when Shizune told them he would survive. Feeling like the world almost lost its balance and she almost lost herself in the process too.
The first time Tenten was captain of a mission, how he protected her. How he could read her conflicting emotions and needs within a few seconds because he didn't only know what she was made of but had been the one next to her along every step she took to build herself from the ground up.
The first time they went to Suna together for the second Chuunin exams. The anger she had felt at the impression of being nothing but convenient. His gaze studying her, not understanding what was wrong because the thought of her being anything less but essential to him could have never crossed his mind. His body pressing next to her under the tent she summoned to protect them from the sand storm. How he changed position and turned on his stomach, pressing his side even more on her. She bowed her head down on her forearms so he couldn't see her blushing cheeks. The way all her worries of being "convenient" disappeared when he said, as a matter of fact, that she was the one he needed to rescue Gaara. And she knew it was not because of the chakra sword, because she could have summoned it right there and then, given it to him and joined the others where her long-range attacks were more needed. No, he needed her with him because whatever was bound to happen, he knew she was his other half when it came to fighting.
He was the phoenix and she was the dragon: when they completed each other, they were unstoppable.
The first time they went on an S-rank mission together to save Gaara. How his hand felt on hers when Gai insisted on him joining the group cheering session. The embarrassment they shared. Their fight with Kisame, the water prison, Neji's worried voice, thinking about her. His arms around her, his warmth, the tickling of his breath on her cheeks, the worried caring eyes staring back at her, as she looked up at him through her lashes.
The first time they heard of the war and shared a long look. The first training preparing for it. The moment he found her in the weapons storage building and told her about his promotion to command Hyuuga troops. How happy and proud she had felt. She had hugged him but could feel his uneasiness at the idea of taking something from Hinata. She told him to go talk to her.
The first time they realized they wouldn't be fighting together, they would be in a different division. It felt weird. They had fought without each other before and didn't expect they would be together in the war, but having the confirmation they were going to be apart for the most important event of their life left them apprehensive.
The first time she realized her world was shattering. His curse mark disappearing. The first time Team Gai was together without Neji. The first night she slept in a world where he did not exist. Her Tsukuyomi dream. The shock gripping her stomach as Neji appeared. The utter rage when she discovered the farce it was to degrade Neji's admirable personality to a pervert. But the softness of her smile, the butterflies in her stomach when high in her cell, Neji was still Neji to her. He was still the one she spent every day since the academy with. She smiled at him and he smiled at her, and she was almost swayed. It took only his hands on her shoulders, her eyes falling into his, the warmth bubbling in her stomach as he smiled at her and she blushed and smiled back, wiping happy tears away. He told her she saved him, and she lost all sense of agency because the urgency she felt at saving everyone was quenched once she realized everyone was him, and he was safe. He was the only one who could convince her she belonged in that universe because she could believe she belonged anywhere as long as it was next to him. And how could she pretend to belong in a world where he didn't exist anymore?
The first time, after the war ended, when she came back to Konoha, crossing gates that Neji didn't cross alive. That feeling that inhabited her, that no matter how many times she would cross the city gates, she would never be coming home again for the rest of her life.
Tenten's cries intensified and she couldn't imagine what would be left of her when it was done, if it would ever be done. The sorrow was shredding her to pieces. And as her recalling of all the beginnings in their relationship swarmed in, she realized one cruel thing.
This. These memories were the story of how two of the loneliest souls found their way to each other, grew closer to each other until unconsciously becoming inseparable.
How their pain and loneliness were so similar, yet their reactions to it were so different that they completed each other, balanced each other in the most fusional way. How her bubbly personality balanced his cynical views. How his calm, calculated analysis of things balanced the fierceness of how she would rush into action.
Also how they were sides of the same coin, how they cared about the ones they came to love, how they shared a dream of becoming stronger, how they'd lean so casually into each other for protection on the battlefield, for comfort, for disapproving of Gai-sensei and Lee's antics. How he could know everything he needed to know by just gazing at her face and how she knew exactly which buttons to push to get him out of his composed stoic façade. When she would tease him about not remembering Hanabi's name quickly or when she made fun of him when he did get competitive about running back to Konoha once their mission of saving Gaara was done.
They knew each other like the palms of their hands. For two persons who thought they would go through their life alone, having found that person they could rely on, they could share with how they felt without having to express it, with whom silences were always comfortable, who brought exactly what was lacking in yourself: it was the greatest gift they never could have hoped to have.
It was at least for Tenten and she could only imagine it was the same for Neji. They never really thought about it; she certainly didn't. It felt so natural, so meant to be… so fated. She doesn't think they ever questioned it. Their complicity and intimacy were something they took for granted, in which they never had to dissect or understand what the other meant to them.
Nevertheless, now he was gone. He left her alone. She was alone again. Only she grew used to him and couldn't see a way to go back to a life where she didn't have the one partner who made everything have sense, who fueled her purpose, who inherently was at the core of the meaning she gave to life.
Only when did she lose him, only now, as she released these torrents of hopelessness, could she start to assess how devastating for her his absence would be. How hollow she felt because he was at the center of her foundation. They didn't watch each other grow. They were each other's biggest reasons why they could grow the way they did. They were left alone, by everyone, by their families, even by their sensei and teammate who practiced together often. And in their misery, they found resilience, strength, guidance, hope, love. In the unspoken, unimagined, undetected, deep, ever-present familiarity and intimacy they shared, they found all the comfort and the soothing they didn't even realize they needed.
Still sobbing in Sakura's arms, on her bed, Tenten leaned even more of her body onto her friend as she realized just how strong her feelings for her teammates were. How deeply rooted in her his influence, his presence, his simple existence was. And now that it was unrooted, her foundation was crumbling and she was left with nothing to reconstruct years of what he gave her. But the most tragic thought occurred to Tenten.
"He will never know how much I felt for him, what he meant to me." She cried. "Because I only realized it just now. And I will never be able to know if it was the same for him."
She heaved. "I can't, Sakura. I just can't imagine a world where he doesn't exist. I can't imagine the rest of the journey without him by my side."
She knew how dramatic she sounded, she knew she went on many missions without him and forged many other friendships since the beginning of their genin days. But she knew she would always come back to him in the end. She would train again with him, tell him about her last mission and him his. She would sleep on a tree's branch next to him, feel him relax in her presence, and she knew she had come home. Now she could go everywhere and nowhere, and the result would be the same, she couldn't come running home to him. And she didn't know how to imagine a future where he wasn't there.
"I can't." She repeated, voice broken over her desperate cries.
Sakura held her tighter. She was taken aback by the sheer amount of pain she could sense in her friend. It shook her to her bones and reminded her of that moment when Naruto and Sasuke collapsed on the ground, each having an arm torn off. She remembered the infinite fear she felt, the unnegotiable impression they needed to live, or she'd die trying to save them because she couldn't keep on living in a world where they ceased to exist. How could she comfort her friend going through their worst nightmare? She got to keep them, Tenten lost the one she depended on the most in this world, and lord knows she didn't rely on many people.
"He-" Sakura began uneasily, her mouth dry. "Neji was never one to express how he felt." She murmured. She knew she didn't need to tell such obvious information to the one person who knew him best.
"Some people." Sakura continued. "Some people do not tell us they love us with words, but with actions. It is true, you can never hear him say he felt the same thing you did. But you can know he did just by the way he acted. How close he let you be, how he let you in his most vulnerable intimate spaces, physically and emotionally. How his eyes would always keep a tab on you so he could protect you every chance he got."
Tenten's sobs silenced slowly as she recollected how many times he put himself in front of her to deflect a weapon flying at her, how in Kisame's water prison, he knew she wouldn't last another second before she realized herself. How that was the last push he needed to find a way out quick. How he caught her in his arms and let them linger, holding her, even when she told him she was fine, even when she was able to stand on her own. He still held her.
This wrung her heart even more, but this pain was also accompanied by the tender realization that Sakura was right. She could never hear him say what she wished he would tell her, she could never know how their already existing closeness would have evolved had he lived: but she could know that from the first time they opened up, to the last time they exchanged a look, he had cared for her.
The last time they trained together. The last time he smiled at her. The last time her body would comfortably lean on his. The last time they shared unimpressed looks at Gai-sensei and Lee. The last time he touched her. The last words they exchanged. The final look he gave her before they went on their separate ways and the silent nod she gave him back.
Something ruptured again in Tenten, she didn't know what was left in her to shred. But as she thought she couldn't bear sharper pain, images of their firsts and lasts mingled together in her head.
She could hear his voice in her head.
Neji.
"Tenten."
Why would you do this?
"We never spent a day apart since the academy."
We will stay together forever.
"I hope so."
Stronger than I was yesterday.
"Stronger than I was yesterday."
Neji, are you alright?
"Tenten, are you alright?"
Forget it, Lee, Neji is a genius.
"Because… I was called a genius…"
Tenten shook her head as if trying to stop these intrusive thoughts of him from assailing her, torturing her.
"He is everywhere." She whispered. "He's in my veins and I cannot get him out." She was shaking, crying, desperately scratching her arms as if trying to take the remanent of him out of her body. "He's attached to the very core of my soul and I can't untangle myself from him."
Sakura's emerald orbs danced in her building tears as she watched helplessly her friend unravelling, lost in a sea of despair where she could barely reach her. She took Tenten's hands in hers, impeding her from bruising herself even more. She pressed her forehead to hers again and whispered :
"You can't get him out because he is part of you." Sakura let go of one of Tenten's hands to raise a finger to the center of the brunette's chest. "He runs in your veins because he has never left here." Sakura pressed her finger to Tenten's heart. "You're part of the legacy he left behind and in time, this burden and privilege will be less painful. You'll be left with only the tenderness that reminiscing him will bring to you."
"In time," Sakura murmured over the slowing pace of Tenten's sobs. " This too shall pass."
And Tenten held onto that, even if she could hardly believe it, she used it as a mantra. When waves of uncontrollable grief assailed her, she'd open herself to the pain, let it wash away over her, and trust she would find her way back to the surface.
"This too shall pass." She repeated to herself.
"This too shall pass."
"This too shall pass."
In the next two months, Tenten mainly stayed in her room except for her weekly tea sessions with Hiashi and her frequent nightly visits to Neji's grave. Gai-sensei had talked to Kakashi to extend her leave. He would visit her often with Lee. They awkwardly tried to comfort her at first, and Tenten smiled weakly at the profusion of passionate speeches her teacher and remaining teammate would give her to cheer her up. She felt guilty to take that much space with her grief when they were also going through their own. But she knew it wasn't the same thing. Neji was close to them, closer than most people he knew, but they were not as close to him as she was. To Tenten, losing Neji was to Lee, losing Gai-sensei.
Sakura told her grief was unique to each person. Sometimes she wished she could have grieved a bit like Lee. He acknowledged his death faster than she did while she denied the reality for days. Lee's grief was immediate and entered a phase of acceptance earlier. Hers was more complicated, more hesitant, more shoved down. Months after Lee started back his routine, she was still trying to put the pieces back together. She couldn't compare her grief to Lee's, she knew that. It's not that she loved Neji more than Lee did, but she loved him differently. His presence was knitted more intrinsically within her core.
Her sadness could not resolve itself so efficiently since the emotions she had to let herself feel were buried so deep within her, and their intensity was of such proportions; she couldn't live them immediately, she couldn't cry them all at once. She would die, it would kill her, she was certain of it. She had to go day by day.
Every day the pain would subsidize ever so slightly. The more she let her feelings rush out, the more the ball would faintly decrease. She'd still feel overpowered, completely blind to how she could ever get out of this pit of despair. But she repeated to herself :
"This too shall pass."
She knew she wasn't the only one to grieve him, but she was the only one grieving him as she did, with the depth of their bonds severed. She knew him most, was attached to him in a way that was inconceivable to others. She had lost almost everything when he died, her best friend, her first family, and now, she realized her first love. She had lost a future she didn't even know she was holding onto. She was left with scattered memories, she'd often revisit as she laid in bed, incapable of sleep and unable to move.
She was left with a broken idea of what was awaiting her. Before, she could see her future like she would gaze at herself in a mirror. Now she had shards of glass left that she tried to pick up, only hurting herself in the process. All the future she had imagined for herself, Neji was in it. She gazed at her hopes and dreams like photographs where his face was cut off: damaged, incomplete.
He left a void in her heart, a hole she didn't know how to fill, even though she could hear Naruto's voice in her head :
"You fill it with comrades."
During these two months she spent in her apartment, she was occasionally visited by Sakura, Ino and Hinata. They would sit on her bed with her. They held each other close and let the silence envelop them. Sometimes, it was Ino who would cry. Tenten would rest her head on her shoulder, Sakura would hold her and Hinata would squeeze her hand. Sometimes it was Hinata, and they would do the same to her. And sometimes it was Tenten.
Sometimes someone would break the silence of their shared grief, usually by saying :
"Remember when.."
And in those moments, Tenten realized grief was not only tears and despair. Sometimes it was laughter too, like when she would visit Hiashi and they reminisced Neji together.
"Remember when we had to blindfold Neji?" Ino once said.
And everyone started laughing, even Sakura, though she had no recollection of this. Neji was rarely the expressive one, but when his ego or honour was bruised, he would become uncharacteristically indignant.
Day by day, Tenten's sadness became more bearable. After three months, almost ten months since Neji died, she started back with a first mission. She agreed to a D-rank one to ease her way in. The day before, she was scared. Scared of having to go back to the real world, to live without him for good. Not knowing how to proceed, as if everything was going to be foreign for her. She, at the same time, apprehended and couldn't wait to get a sense of normalcy back. It felt impossible to go back to the normal she had always known. Thus, she understood perfectly she'd had to create a new normal she could feel at ease in. This task could as much be of the domain of the impossible as far as Tenten was concerned.
Tenten woke up the morning of her first mission with a sense of dread. The mornings were the hardest. That's when the pain was as it highest. Grief, Tenten realized, much resembled making two steps forward one step back. And every morning, recalling his death, reacquainting herself with her pain was a step back from the improvement of yesterday's grieving process.
She woke up before the sun could rise, much like she usually did before her confinement. She threw a glance at the cover still nailed on the window before turning away in her bed. She gripped her blanket, enveloping herself in them, sinking deeper in the cozy mattress she had taken refuge in during the past months. She pondered if she was ready to go back. Part of her felt like she would never be ready, but she had to push herself out of her comfort zone to find a crumb of her routine back, of productivity again. Or she feared she would never get better.
She finally put her covers away and breathed out her anguish. She sat on the edge of her bed, letting her feet press against the hardwood floor. She gripped the edge of the mattress and hung her head low.
Breath in, breath out.
Like every morning, her mind went straight to Neji. His last moment. His broken body. The last time he smiled. The first time he held her. Thoughts of him would come now completely mangled. She let them fill her, without judgement. She let the tears spill, splattering on the wooden floor next to her feet, toes curled in.
Breath in, breath out.
She let her grief wash over her and when it calmed down, she steeled herself up. The first month, it was a raging tsunami that left her no respite from the drowning amount of sorrow she felt. Lately, grief came in waves, from complete desolation to euthymic calm. And back. And forth. And back. And forth. Oddly, she found solace in that. When she'd hit a wave, she would just hold on to the fact it would pass and she'd be able to breathe again soon.
The morning wave was always the strongest, this one was especially the hardest since she had to get up and couldn't afford herself the luxury of cozying herself in her bedroom any longer.
She heard the usual fluttering wings outside her window and finally decided to get up. It is funny how she never noticed birds as much as she did now he was gone. Shrugging off the thought, she resumed her almost-forgotten past routine. She showered and got dressed. Eating was still a difficult thing for her to do. Sometimes she felt she was betraying him by eating. As if by taking steps towards better health, she was forgetting him. It was almost as if her grief was the only thing left she had of him, the only remaining thing connecting them.
But deep down, she knew he would despise seeing her in this state. He did not sacrifice himself so she could let herself die. So she grabbed an apple, a plate and a knife. She started peeling it very slowly, very meticulously, maybe even as a way to delay the moment she would have to eat it. She then cut it out in even slices. She took one slice, cut a chunk with the knife and brought it to her lips. She munched slowly, purposefully. Her thoughts wandering on her last mission when she collapsed and had to be brought back by Hinata's team. As she took another bite, her thoughts strayed again to Neji's body, pierced by the gigantic splinters.
She stopped chewing.
Sakura had told her she, like many other ninjas, had experience post-traumatic stress syndrome and that usually complicated grief. She didn't remember all the fancy medical terms she had explained after, but Tenten appreciated being able to name a problem by its name. It helped her make sense of her situation, bringing her close to one day hope she could one day see the end of it.
Her hollow brown eyes settled on the black cover that had been kept over her window for the past months. The chair made a screeching sound when she pushed it away from the table to get up. With slow, measured steps, she made her way to the window. Her hand rose on the cover and settled there for a bit, contemplating the journey taken since the last time she touched it. Outside her windows, she could still hear the fluttering wings of birds and she yanked the cover, yanking the wobbly nails she had hammered carelessly and in precipitation.
The rising sun filled her room again, for the first time in months and the fluttering wings increased, even if she couldn't see any birds. She squinted her eyes, having become unaccustomed to the blinding light of a new dawn.
She let her eyes rest on the sleepy streets of Konoha. Watching ghosts of her past selves at different ages running down at different levels of the cobbled path, trying to make it in time for their morning sessions with Neji.
She steadied herself for another wave, took her scrolls, cleaned up her dishes and made her way out. The crispy morning air felt good on her skin, as she walked down the very same cobbled streets, she had so eagerly run on in her youth, impatient to meet her stoic teammate. But instead of continuing her way to the clearing like she usually did, she took a turn just before reaching the woods.
Her sandals brushed the damp early morning grass of the cemetery as she made her way to his grave.
She hadn't seen his grave in the daylight since his funeral. She kneeled as close to his tomb as possible and steeled herself for another coming wave.
She opened her eyes to take in his engraved name.
NEJI HYUUGA.
She remembered how those simple letters put her in a state of disarray the first time she saw them. Now, the hurt was more tender, like a soft and warm hand squeezing her heart. Nothing to do with the ten-tails bomb she felt the first time.
She summoned a small flame out of one of her scrolls and lit the incense placed on his grave.
"Good morning, Neji." Murmured Tenten.
She fidgeted with her fingers, not knowing what to do with them anymore. She looked around her to ensure she was alone and turned her soft glance towards Neji's tomb again.
"It has been a while since I have greeted you like this." She continued. "Will you forgive me? I have been so selfishly absorbed by my emotions, I didn't even think of how you would feel in all this."
When she started talking to him, it felt awkward, almost forced, but very much needed. But as her monologue continued, she eased into it even as to gently rest her hand on his engraved name.
"You know, living with you is harder than I thought it would be." She chuckled slightly, letting her tear slide, having long stopped trying to contain them. "Which is really surprising considering you didn't speak that much more than this stone."
She smiled, amused at herself, letting another tear fall, just under the 'H' of his name.
"I hope you won't mind me teasing you still. Old habits die hard. But, it's a bit on you too. It's not like you were easiest to talk to."
She looked up at the sky.
"Who am I kidding." She gave another chuckle. "You were the easiest to talk to. You didn't need to talk for me to feel all you wanted me to feel, and know all you wanted me to know."
"I hate you a bit, you know. You left me alone. With Gai-sensei and Lee, on top of everything. That's a bit of a cowardly move. I hope you wouldn't have done this for anyone else but Naruto and Hinata."
She wiped her nose on her sleeve.
"Did you think a bit of me before doing it? I know it's a selfish question. I know you probably didn't too. You protected the people you cared about and ensured we still had a chance to continue fighting. Like the genius you were, after all. I know I didn't weigh in the balance when the future of the world was also in it. I would have done the same, just so you know."
She let her fingers run over the crevasses of his engraved name as the next words barely made it out of her tightened throat.
"I also want you to know." Her voice broke. "That I miss you.."
Breath in.
"And I love you."
The flutter of wings echoed as she closed her eyes, squeezing out new tears. When she opened them, droplets of tears were pearling the corners of her eyes, she beamed and grinned brightly at him.
"And because of that, I will make sure to live a life full of light, freedom and love."
She bowed her head to his tomb, pressing her forehead against his tomb. A bird gently perched itself on the edge of the grave. She gave the stone a gentle kiss and whispered :
"For the both of us."
A/N: So that was a long chapter. The most difficult I wrote for this story. As I am trying to process my own grief of their relationship through fleshing out Tenten's own grieving process (that was so conveniently left out by Kishimoto), I had to revive all the nejiten moments that made me have the butterflies as a teenager.
Grieving Neji and, by extension, the relation I imagined for them when I was younger is harder than I thought it would be. I really miss shipping them without the angst. I miss the former nejiten community who used to be as carefree as the other shipping communities who got their wish become canon. But I'm thankful for what it brought in my life. I read something about how we "experience-take" through books and other fictional work. And it struck me that I discovered Neji and Tenten in a very confusing time of my life when I was a teenager. I would experience the love I was scared to commit to in their relationship, in the multiple stories we, as a community, made for them. From high school fic to Naruto's world ones.
I grew up with Neji and Tenten. I was 14 when and they were 13 when I started watching, then I moved on from avidly shipping them when I started focusing on my academic work to get in med school. I came back to it when I was 18, and so were they. I invested my breaks in writing new fanfictions and watching Naruto Shippuuden. Then Neji died, and I couldn't imagine Naruto anymore without him and Tenten. It hurt too much. Now I am back, almost finished with med school, but this time hoping to find some sort of closure for unresolved feelings I had for this pairing. I am going to miss them so much, it will feel weird not being able to find refuge back in their oh so special dynamic, in everything I projected on them over the years. But everything comes to an end and like the author of the fault in our stars said, when you close the book, all the characters die.
I would like to thank you, for your reviews. They were so important to me this week, I felt in a way less lonely grieving something that was so important to me.
There are still one or two chapters left.