Summary: Tony's "major" decision and her own white lie cause Angela to oscillate between excitement and embarrassment.
My choices for this entry are personal humiliation or gushing about Tony. Since I seem to be doing a lot of the latter lately, I might as well stay the course.
Can I help it that his enthusiasm for life and school and knowledge and taking on challenges is so infectious? I look into his eyes and there is such excitement. I can see the sparks of energy, alive and dancing and as real as fireflies on a summer night, and it lights up something inside me. I feel such hope and promise that no one has ever made me feel before. He made me feel that way about myself when I was starting my agency. He was overflowing with ideas and determination, and even when I was ready to quit, he kept me going.
And now that it's his turn, he is making it so easy for me to want to be there for him. I want to share his excitement and encourage his ideas because I know he can do it. He can do anything. And of all the choices available to him, he has chosen to educate others. It should come as no surprise that he has found his calling in the service of others. Just look at what he's done for the Fairfield District Parent's Association. He's raised tens of thousands of dollars and was an integral part of test scores going up across the district. He tutored, he boxed, he fought legislators who were out to cut funding. And now he can continue to do it all, with the degree to back it up.
Maybe he'll help kindergartners learn to love school right from the start. Or maybe he'll be there in the critical middle school years when kids need a strong role model. Or maybe he'll find satisfaction in preparing teenagers for the rigors of college. Or maybe it will be in the hallowed buildings he now occupies that he will settle as a college professor. No matter where his feet land, it will be with the singular goal of helping students make the most of their years in school.
And maybe it's exactly that pride in Tony, and that special joy that he's my best friend and a part of my family that made it so easy for me to mislead the women at the gym. Other women want him, and I have him – so to speak. And maybe I didn't want one of them going after him. It was just so easy to let them believe we were a couple, and rather than ridicule me for dating my housekeeper, they were so envious that I had such a great – and great-looking – guy. And for a little while, I got to pretend we were a couple. I got to brag about how wonderful he is without being self-conscious, and I didn't have to worry about people suspecting anything because there was nothing to hide. It was out in the open, and it was okay.
But it wasn't true. And I knew it couldn't last. I'll admit it hurt a little that Tony was so quick to want to put things straight, but I know it was the right thing to do, because the lie came out for the wrong reasons. I was trying to impress a peer group. I wanted to be liked and accepted, and when I saw that letting them think Tony and I were a couple was a ticket to acceptance, I plowed ahead without thinking.
And then, to make matters worse, I let them pressure me into another situation that wasn't sincere. I had no interests in going out with – what was his name? Oh, I can't even remember. But I agreed to anyway. I'm just glad I had the courage to end the charade before it began. Tony wasn't so lucky – and I can't say I'm sorry about it. He dumped me for an adolescent nymphet after we'd agreed to grow up and exert our security in ourselves. The worst part is, I couldn't even be mad at him. It was just so typical – just so Tony.
When he came home that night, I think the only word that could be used to describe him would be sheepish. He felt guilty, which made me feel better, and he said he had a very boring time and spent the whole night wishing I were there instead of the Blonde Wonder. I tried to act hurt and mad, but somehow, that little bit of vindication was enough. The double fudge brownies he baked me while we compared childhood miseries didn't hurt either.
Thankfully, the grapevine has moved on, leaving Tony and me remarkably unscathed by my workout blatherings. And the way things are going, maybe it won't be too long until I don't have to lie to feel like there is more to our relationship.