DEREK
Derek wondered if he was a pervert and then googled to find that he was.
He didn't know what was wrong with him. He was turning twenty and ALL he could think about was sex. Woman and sex. Women and humiliation and degrading sex.
He knew how lucky he was to have a mother who supported him financially. He also knew he wouldn't be able to get away with this life for much longer.
The trouble was – this is what he was meant to be doing, he just knew it deep down. He would be wasted at some crappy nine-to-five job.
He had got into trouble at school and locally. He swore that he just couldn't help himself. He would see girls, he would see women and he wanted to touch them. And make them uncomfortable and squirm. And now he was wanted to upgrade to making them cry and inflicting pain.
He was obsessed with porn videos and watched them on his phone or his laptop, searching for anything humiliating.
At school, his Head of Year had called Ham in on three separate occasions when three of his female class-mates had lodged complaints about him during his fifth year at secondary school.
Twelve year-old Hannah had said that Derek had grabbed her burgeoning breasts and twisted them roughly, whilst she was walking down the corridor.
Fourteen year-old Angela told of how Derek wrestled her to the ground, groping into her knickers and getting a 'good feel of her fanny', when she came out of the toilets during a lesson.
Fifteen year-old Isobel advised how Derek had grabbed her from behind, after her hockey practise, put his hand around her neck in a threatening manner and pulled her gym knickers down, and sticking his finger into her bottom, before running off.
There was no proof on any of these incidents and no witnesses so it came down to 'he said, she said' and with the school not wanting any dramas, hushed all of the episodes away. Hannah, Angela and Isobel avoided Derek, as did most of the other girls once his exploits got around. The Head of Year breathed a sigh of relief once Derek left the school.
Ham, bless him, had kept the gruesome details away from Audrey, playing it off as 'playground silliness' and Audrey hadn't delved into it any further (not really wanting to). Ham had spoken to Derek after each occurrence, reminding him that, 'treat women with respect', and 'maybe it's time for you to get a girlfriend'.
It's not like Derek hadn't tried to get a girlfriend. He tried really hard. He approached girls all the time and even though he was a tall and handsome teenager, there was something dangerous and leech-like in his manner that put girls on edge around him.
Two girls had succumbed to his charms.
Caitlin, a red head with the most enormous breasts on a curvy body, who he had met in a queue at McDonalds and Claire, a mousey skinny girl, who he met at the library whilst pretending to research for his novel, both girls a similar age to Derek.
He took Caitlin on three dates – a coffee date at Starbucks, a night at Nando's and innocuous visit to the cinema to see some lame teenage drama that she was desperate to watch. On the fourth date, he invited her to his house on a night that he knew he had the house to himself. 'Netflix and Chill', he had winked on a text message.
Being a virgin, he was anxious to finally plunge the inviting vagina that he had been watching on porn videos for years.
Caitlin, also excited to lose her virginity and to such a sweet boy, spent the day in nervous anticipation before heading over to Derek's on the bus. She only told her best friend what she was up to. Sadly for Caitlin, her dream movie love-making fantasy was brutally wiped out. After watching her favourite film, 'The Kissing Booth' on his laptop in his room and smoking a joint together, they started to 'make love'.
*Reader, I would love to tell you that it ended well, but it didn't.
Both naked and under the covers, with kissing and gentle touching, Derek's longings got the better of him. He ripped off the covers, startling Caitlin, and started slapping her breasts hard, enjoying watching their massive sway, and increasing the intensity as he saw the fear in her eyes. He then put his hand around her throat choking her and pulling her hair, as she cried out in pain. He would have gone even further but luckily for Caitlin, Audrey and Ham returned home from an evening out, and Caitlin seized the opportunity to grab her clothes and run out of the house, virginity intact.
I'm afraid to tell you that Claire wasn't so lucky. And needless to say, Derek was unable to procure a steady girlfriend. He recognised that his tastes were extreme and not to most people's likings.
Derek didn't drink alcohol, had never got a taste for it. He had started smoking marijuana with some boys at school and had recently graduated to cocaine and found that he loved it. It kept him awake for hours, kept him horny and hard (with the help of some little blue pills) and it was his new favourite hobby. As he couldn't find girls that aligned with his very specific sexual desires, he graduated to hiring prostitutes who couldn't say no.
Now he just needed to find a way to continue with his sordid life.
STRAWBERRY
The Astro: This is a good time to practise being patient and kind and learning to communicate more openly and honestly.
Strawberry now had Ham at her beck and call, as it should be, and her small little life was complete. She waited on him hand and foot, anxious to keep him happy.
She chanted to her angels daily to bless her boy with goodness and purity (oblivious that she was not really a very good person herself) and wishing for Siead to have the combined good looks of both of his parents. After all, good looks had worked for her, up until now.
Ham quickly adjusted to his new life, with only a few qualms of guilt about leaving Audrey. He didn't miss his Personal Assistant duties, and could relax, watching football matches and engineering documentaries, with an adoring pretty partner, who couldn't do enough for him. He was treated like a king and it was all about HIM. Just like when he was a child and a beloved 'Hamster' to his parents.
Strawberry was cooking up a storm, crocheting every day, making jams and chutneys, tending to her vegetable plot on the roof and was the happiest she had ever been in her whole life. Strawberry even thought that perhaps she should re-name Ham to 'Final Conquest' rather than 'Conquest no.4' as she honestly thought she would never want to find a replacement for him. He was so kind and loving.
She even welcomed his other children into #lovenest and started working her magic on them. Derek took a bit longer to warm to Strawberry than the disloyal Jade, who was the spitting image of her old troll mother, but soon even Derek was getting excited for the arrival of his new baby brother. Strawberry took to feeding and nurturing the two teenagers almost every night, shocked at how many hours their mother worked.
*Trust me, Reader, she didn't want to be their mother, it was only her pregnancy hormones wanting to love and cherish anything connected to Ham.
Mother-to-be Strawberry Michaels, one with Planet Earth, was the living the life she was meant to be.
AUDREY
The Astro: It's like you're frozen in behaviour you don't identify with and you're not even conscious of.
Audrey had been suffering for months. She had thrown herself into her job, treating her team in a vile fashion every day but she just didn't care. The whole experience of being cheated on and left, when she truly thought she was an amazing catch, was too much for her ego to take. Telling people had been excruciating, watching their eyes light up, loving her misery while their fake mouths made sympathetic noises that she wasn't interested in hearing.
Her staff would come skipping in from their happy weekends, chattering with bright eyes, full of the joys of life, swapping all of their fabulous stories about their fabulous lives and it would make her blood boil.
Monday morning was her favourite time of the week. She would cut them down with withering glares from her office, as soon as they walked in, and soon they would be hanging their heads in misery. Her favourite trick was to slam her door if any of her team were particularly loud. That had an instant effect of silence. Or march out to the open plan office when they were chatting, even if it was chatting about work, saying 'oh sorry, am I interrupting you?' That soon shut the fuckers up. She was angry with everyone, with the whole fucking planet.
It gave Audrey a surge every time she saw her meek and complacent staff suffering, just like she was suffering. This power was the only thing holding her together.
Audrey enjoyed watching her staff creep into her office to ask a question, pointedly ignoring them and typing on her keyboard, counting to ten and then turning to face them, with a toss of her hair and frosty glare for dramatic effect, tapping her orange glittery nails on her desk and watch their faces crumple in terror, as she would scornfully give them a loud tongue lashing – loud enough for the entire office to hear. She would humiliate with harsh words, making them feel incredibly stupid, no matter what the subject matter.
It gave her fanny flutters.
Audrey was absolutely fucking miserable and was determined that everyone around her would be too. She had nothing else in life to enjoy. She had been dumped for a younger model, her kids now practically lived at the younger model's house; she was all alone, bitter and sad. Her role at Darcy & Talbot gave her power, respect and the only place she had control in her life.
Abraham had moved out the same day. Boxing Day, for crying out loud. He had moved back into his old flat where Strawberry was already living. He had rented out his flat for the past decade and Audrey had failed to notice that the rent income had stopped coming in. After all, she paid for everything and Ham's money had never counted in their relationship.
Audrey yelled and screamed and hollered the rest of that day and the rest of that week, whilst both Jade and Derek had cried in despair, shocked that the only man they had known as their Father figure was leaving, devastated that he was leaving them alone with their mother, neither particularly upset for their mother.
'She has let herself go,' whispered Jade to Derek, her brother nodding in agreement.
Audrey realised that most of his clothes had been surreptitiously moved over to the #lovenest over the last few months.
Ham had popped round the following day, sheepishly ringing the doorbell, hoping that Audrey was out, to collect his remaining stuff. No such luck.
'YOU FUCKING WANKER SHITHEAD CHEATING BASTARD!' Audrey had screamed at the top of her lungs, whilst throwing whatever she could get her hands on at him. This included a pillow, a hairbrush, a book, some tinsel and her favourite ceramic vase, which had smashed into his back and bounced off, broken into hundreds of shards on the bedroom carpet.
'I sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,' he muttered over and over, into the air, not daring to look at Audrey or the kids directly, so ashamed was he.
Not getting any reaction from Ham, Audrey then took to screaming out to Strawberry from the bedroom first floor window, who dared to be on her property, very conscious of her size and her age as she looked down on the beautiful young woman, who had insisted on accompanying him, not wanting to let him out of her sight, now that she had him.
'FUCK OFF, YOU SKANKY HOMEWRECKER!'
'FUCK THE FUCK OFF!'
'WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?'
Strawberry turned her back, ignoring the screeching fat old lady, insignificant to her and her plans, thinking that her little voo-doo of essence that she had sprinkled around Audrey's bedroom was working and she had got under Audrey's skin. She waited on the drive-way, shivering in her bright pink puffer coat and cosy ugg boots, rubbing her pregnant tummy, refusing to leave until Ham was with her.
Bring on the abuse, she thought. Your man is now my man. Siead and I are making your man a Lover and a Father. We will worship the ground he walks on, you fat old shrew. You've thrown him away, with your lack of appreciation. Rot and die, you old hag.
Neighbours were peering out of their windows, stuffed full of turkey leftovers, easily distracted from watching re-runs of Only Fools and Horses when a real-life drama was happening right in front of them. Nothing exciting never happened in Loxley village. What a fun treat for a chilly boring afternoon!
Diane and Steve, the lovely neighbour gardeners, waved brightly from their front porch, not realising that a drama was unfolding, as they tucked into a bottle of merlot.
Audrey, out of control for once in her life, ran around the house, causing havoc. She squeezed out Ham's favourite shampoo into the toilet, along with his supply of contact lenses. Like a woman possessed, she ripped the lid of the brand new Sauvage Dior cologne that she had given him for Christmas, before pouring it into his beloved palm tree, Tilly, sat in the hall-way waiting to leave. He had always joked that his longest relationship had been with Tilly, having had Tilly since he was a teenager.
She ran into his office and started smashing everything in there. Photos of her and the kids laughing and tanned around the pool in Portugal, a certificate on the wall of his online degree and a framed cheque from his first client, plus a poster of Radiohead's Hail to the Thief were all ripped off the wall, and smashed on the floor.
Next, she ran to the kitchen and childishly squeezed out his favourite hot sauce down the sink, before the satisfying glug of his brand new bottle of whisky was chucked down the drain. At this point, a beleaguered looking Ham was at the front door – never one for confrontations - suitcase in hand, and Tilly in his arms. Audrey ran out and stared at him, still in disbelief, as he snuck out of the door like a sneaky fox out of a hen house. Audrey slid down on the wooden floor, still holding the empty sauce and whisky bottles in each hand.
She heard Strawberry cry out in pleasure as Ham shut the front door quietly behind him, as they walked off, presumably to his flat.
She sobbed and sobbed, wondering where her children were. Both Jade and Derek had taken themselves off to their rooms as soon as Audrey had flown around the house like a banshee, not wanting to witness their strong mother going into meltdown. And to be honest, neither of them were very good with empathy; they found it awkward and life was too short for such shenanigans.