Chapter 4

Ronisha Walsh, my psychologist, also known as Ronnie, would visit her mom Marianna before my sessions. We decided to meet three days a week for two hour sessions. Six hours of therapy per week seems to be too much to some people, but I had so many questions and a lot of crap to sort through. I found her very easy to open up to so our sessions seemed to fly by. She made a point of visiting me and her mom outside our therapy days and stay for dinner. Diesel was right, we get along extremely well and have become instant friends. Her fiancé Raoul was an unmentionable like Diesel. He was absolutely hilarious.

My next few sessions with Ronnie was a real eye opener. I may have discovered some hard truths about myself, but she helped me realize I was essentially trapped by many years of brainwashing. It may seem like a bit of an exaggeration, but it really isn't. All the times Mom coerced me to give Morelli another chance was a prime example. By making me feel like an ungrateful daughter, she effectively changed my resolve. She was a master manipulator through desserts or guilt trips. My so called Burg upbringing caused me to cave to her will many times. A perfect example was my marriage to Dickie.

I had no clue introducing me to the way of the Burg, as a young child, was one of the earliest steps to achieving this ultimate goal. Being a typical Burg wife was never something I wanted for myself. I watched too many strong woman cave to their husband's whims. They were expected to clean, tend to the children and have dinner ready on the table by 6 pm sharp. If the man wanted sex, she was supposed to do anything he wanted. Her discomfort was secondary to his primal sexual needs.

Mom constantly tried to change my attitude, values and beliefs to align with the Burg. Finding me a Burg worthy husband was literally a huge joke. Most men in the Burg cheated on their wife, while she looked in the other direction. If the woman stood up for herself, they were shamed with hateful words such as 'you should have done a better job pleasing your husband.' As though your husband cheating was somehow your fault for not meeting his needs. A man's infidelity should never reflect on the wife's ability to keep him satisfied. As the saying goes, 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander.' God forbid if the wife is caught cheating on the husband. Their marriage would be over before she could pull up her panties.

The brainwashing for Valerie was mostly subtle, in my case it was blatantly obvious. I guess Mom made it obvious. She used every opportunity possible to impose her views onto me. I was way too stubborn to conform to her way of thinking. However, with the promise of my favourite pineapple upside down cake or being permanently barred from said dessert, I would acquiesce, slowly conforming to her direction.

As a child I always tried to gain Mom's approval. No matter how hard I tried, it was never enough. I lacked the drive to learn how to cook, especially whenever she mentioned it would 'keep my husband happy.' She was never patient when I asked questions. My questions were never answered. Instead I was told to do as she said and Burg girls never questioned their responsibilities. Valerie was more than willing to learn. Now I wish someone, anyone, would teach me how to cook, not to provide for 'my man' but to cook for myself. Maybe Ronnie or Marianna could teach me. Their cooking skills are superior to Mom's.

I wanted to grow up to be just like Daddy or Nonno. They were my role models, not Mom. Tending house wasn't very exciting or appealing. Maybe I should have joined the Army instead of attending college. Dad was always proud of my academic achievements. Mom, not so much. I could almost hear her telling me my time would be better spent learning how to cook. After all, why would a housewife need a 4.0 GPA? I would've tried harder in college if she had supported my dream. Instead, she convinced Daddy to use my remaining college fund to pay for Valerie's wedding. Personally, I think she should have dipped into my wedding fund. My college grades suffered from being forced to work as I attended college full time.

Ronnie and I discussed a few of the emails I sent before I left Trenton. "I sent the photos of my ex and Mob Barbie to my Uncle Joe and Kyle Vanderbilt. Joe Juniak is Dad's best friend and my godfather. Kyle is the current chief of police," I quickly explained.

"When will they receive the emails and what are you hoping to achieve?" she asked. I could tell she was trying to figure out exactly how my brain works... to hear and understand my methodology. My thoughts always take me down a path not common to most people. I could always discover the most obscure detail and completely run with it. However, when it comes to the matter of my heart, I often ignore my brain.

"Yesterday and they needed to know about the TPD security breach. I wouldn't be surprised if Morelli told Gilman details of his pending investigations. Most of my FTAs were involved in some of Morelli's cases. If he didn't have my ability to sniff out all parties involved, I doubt he would've been able to close those cases. He never gave me credit for assisting in his investigation. It was very much a give and take exchange of knowledge where I gave and he took. I wonder what his supervisor with think after learning the truth." I also sent the pictures to my friend Lester at Rangeman.

"You mentioned he wanted you to quit your job on several occasions and marry him. If you quit, how would you be of use to advancing his career?" She had a valid point. Ronnie patiently waited as I thought of a logical response. I watched as she picked at her chipped thumbnail. The answer was at the tip of my tongue, but I was having difficulty forming the words.

After a few silent minutes, I was finally able to put words to my thoughts. "I can think of a few reasons. He wanted to keep me away from my Rangeman friends, especially Ranger. Being married to me would allow him to continue his relationship with Terry. I never asked about his active cases or questioned his honesty when called into work. He was confident he could continue on this path without interference from me. Mostly, I think he only wanted me around so I wouldn't testify against him if the truth of his mob connection was uncovered." I could easily see the truth in my words.

"Keeping me from Ranger was a moot point. I decided to distance myself from him the minute I realized he would never commit to me. Every time I spent wrapped around his body chipped away at my soul and destroyed my heart. Without a doubt, I knew Joe would be furious I interfered with his livelihood. If his job was that important, he never should have slept with the mob. I thought he was better than that. He promised to never fall into his father's footsteps, but that was a lie. I could easily see him crossing that very fine line of abuse... indicated by his anger and flying arms whenever I was involved in something he didn't like." I drifted off completely lost in my thoughts.

"Any news regarding the hit?" I knew she was asking about the military man Terry hired to kill me, her misguided attempt to terminate my relationship with Joe. Grandpa and Diesel mentioned the threat was neutralized. I can't believe I forgot to tell her.

"Grandpa said the man, Anthony Ramsey, discovered I was related to General Plum and immediately contacted his brother Ram at Rangeman. He was informed I was no longer dating Morelli and will never date him again. It took some time, but Anthony managed to convince her to drop the hit. If she carried through with her plan, she would pay the ultimate price with her life. Anthony wisely recorded every interaction they exchanged. It's a relief to know that sword is no longer hanging over my head."

We continued discussing my thoughts and feelings around my departure from Trenton. You couldn't put a price on this type of freedom. I told her about my growing affection for Diesel. He was becoming a very close friend. It was getting increasingly difficult to keep my hormones in check around him, but I wanted our future relationship to have a very strong foundation. Our sexual encounters were strictly in my head. We never crossed that invisible line into reality. I could tell it was difficult for him too, but he respected my boundaries. Other than a few innuendos, he remained the perfect gentleman. When we finally have our relationship, it was going to be more than either of us expected.

Ronnie was confident in my resolve. She was very supportive and was becoming my best friend. When it's time to leave here, I'm going to miss her. Through her gentle guidance, I was becoming a more mentally balanced and confident woman. I realized there was no better reward than doing what's best for me. My happiness was more important than everyone else's. The days of doing everything to please others over myself are over... because, you know... I'm over it!

After our session ended I retreated to my room. I began writing in a journal a few days after I arrived. My personal thoughts, feelings and moods were carefully documented on a daily basis. I opened my bed side table to grab the navy blue book, devoid of graphics, to record my thoughts for today. As I wrote the date, I started thinking about my relationship with Diesel. We had attraction and compatibility in spades. I still wasn't emotionally ready to pursue a relationship. Lost completely in my thoughts, I never noticed my hand moving the pen across the paper. My secure phone rang with a call from my friend Lester.

"Hey Les, what's up?" I quickly asked without using a proper greeting. It didn't take long for me to realize I missed my call to Tank yesterday.

"Just checking in. You missed your check in with Tank. We were worried about you. I'm calling on my secure line from a secure location." His voice was laced with sadness. I really missed my Trenton friends, especially Les and Tank. Yes, I even missed Ranger, but I absolutely did not miss Joe. Lester's next words nearly set me back to where I began. "Ranger just returned from his mission. He's been tearing the city apart looking for you, says you two have something important to discuss... that he made a huge mistake. Joe suddenly appeared yesterday all worried about where you were. Apparently someone sent him a photo of him fucking Terry on the pool table. Do you know anything about that?" He was likely wondering if I sent the photos to other people besides him.

Crap! I never sent him any photos, those were sent to his boss, Uncle Joe and Lester. My only email to him was short and to the point. The subject line said, 'Goodbye' and the email detail only had the words 'I'm over it.' Nothing else was said and I never signed it. Joe would have to refer to the sender to detect who sent the email. I wrote an identical email to Ranger with the subject line 'C U Later Batman.' Whether I return to work at Rangeman is completely dependant on Ranger's ability to respect my wishes.

"No, I don't. I personally have not sent him photos in any email. However, I did send one email to say goodbye. He should have received it yesterday."

"Oh. He never said anything about that email." I could tell he was lost in thought. Maybe trying to detect if I was being honest.

"Who sent him the photo?" I was curious. My mind quickly went back to the day Diesel and I left Trenton. He borrowed my phone for a few minutes. It sounded as though he sent a few emails, but I couldn't detect his activity.

"The sender was blocked," he answered. I was happy to hear from Lester, but I really didn't like the tone of our conversation.

"Is there something else you needed beside setting my therapy back a few weeks?" I snapped. He should have ended the call after discovering I was still at my known location. I was beyond frustrated he decided to use this time to talk about Ranger and Joe.

"Well... we missed you. I really needed to hear your voice," he confessed.

"I miss you guys too. How do you think the General will respond when I tell him about this call?" Lester really needed to be put in his place. I love the guy, he's my best friend, but there's a time and place for everything. This was not the time to be having this conversation. I slammed my journal shut, the noise echoing through my room.

His breath hitched when he heard my book slam shut. "He would be furious. I get your point. Sorry, I hope I didn't affect your progress."

"I'm getting stronger by the day. Until I'm emotionally sound, I can't handle discussions involving Ranger or Joe. I hope you respect my privacy and need for self improvement. Next time I miss my check in, contact the General," I curtly stated.

"Sorry," he said on an exhale. I could picture him running his fingers through his spiky blond hair. His eyes probably dimmed from my tone of voice. I never used this tone on him before, but he seriously crossed a line. "Please don't miss your next check in. I'll worry too much about you."

"I know Lester. I love you. Take care of yourself," I said before our call was disconnected. It would be awhile before I could forgive him and I will forgive him, but not today.

I opened my journal to vent my frustration regarding the call. By the time I filled a few pages, I was feeling more settled. Lester had a valid point and I planned to confront Diesel.

Using my secure phone, I sent an encrypted message to Hector. I needed to know if I inadvertently sent the photo to Joe. Within a few minutes he replied, 'No. Only goodbye email sent to him and boss. Photos only sent to chief and your uncle.' I was relieved. Someone else obviously sent him the photo... Diesel was at the top of my suspect list.