Authors Note: You guys have no idea how much the reviews mean to me and how they keep me going. I truly appreciate you each taking the time to leave me a comment on the story and your thoughts. I'm hoping the timeline is easy to follow along as this is out of chronological order. Please reach out if there is any confusion. Here we are with our next installment. Chapter 4- This is me trying.

Song: This is me trying by Taylor Swift

Time Period: Late 2018

Chapter 4: This is me trying

I admitted it to myself finally. It's the honest truth. It's painful to say but I'm not hiding it very well. I'm having a hard time adjusting to this new life. This new life without- her. I avoided my chief of surgery at work. I wasn't sure how she was going to promote me to attending with me avoiding her every chance I got. She didn't seem to mind but I knew it was fast approaching the days when I would need to prove myself as worthy of the title Neuro Attending at Massachusetts General Hospital and how could I prove myself if I avoided her judgement of my surgical skills as often as possible?

Mark suggested we leave Boston and that possibility looked better and better with each passing day. My residency would conclude mid next year, and I could apply to anywhere across the country. Ma wanted me to move back to New York, but the East Coast no longer held anything but pain for me and a bit of nostalgia to all those moments with her.

I had a patient that died last week. In some strange way she reminded me of Meredith. They looked nothing alike but the mannerisms – uncanny. She died on the table and I took it hard. My words shoot to kill when I'm mad and I took it out on a fellow resident. A guy named Jackson Avery. He had a thing for Mer in the past. Their families knew each other growing up and he was always talking about her before he knew we were together. Now that we're not, he never brings her up but every time I look at him, I think about the fact that there's nothing standing in his way now. He made the mistake of being in the resident lounge after I lost that patient and I snapped. It ended in a fist fight. Luckily Chief Grey never found out. I regret it though. It's not Jackson's fault that I'm broken inside.

Mark barked at me 'What the hell has gotten into you Derek?' when he broke up the fight and ushered me to the bar.

Why can't anyone understand that this is just me trying- trying to move on with what's left of my life.

Mark kept the scotch coming. I was getting drunker and drunker. Meredith wouldn't dare come to this bar, but I wish she would though. I just wanted to see her one last time. Right now, she was probably celebrating finishing up another semester of medical school with her friends, drinking Tequila and laughing her perfect little laugh. I had to get out of my own head, but I was wrapped up in memories of her and I together back when everything had been perfect. I ordered a shot of Tequila from the bartender. Mark looked nervous. I took a sip before slinging the shot back and fell into a memory.

I stood outside her house, leaning against my car with my arms crossed. It was December and freezing but she didn't seem to mind. I watched her as she danced terribly clutching her tequila bottle. I don't remember how long I was out there just watching her, but time never seemed to exist when Meredith was involved. This was all new. We had just met 2 weeks prior at the hospital and had been secretly seeing each other every chance we got. If I was being honest with myself, I was already in love, but I wouldn't dare tell her that- yet. The house party her and her roommates managed to pull off was pretty impressive with people lingering outside. I noticed Jackson Avery another resident hanging out by the side of the house with some people I didn't recognize. I reminded myself to ask her how she knew him later.

When she finally looked up at me, I saw a grin etch across her face and she moved towards me. I matched her grin and walked towards her.

"So, you blew me off for a bottle of tequila? Tequila's no good for you. Doesn't call. Doesn't write. Isn't nearly as fun to wake up to."

She laughed and pulled me closer bringing her lips to mine. "Take me for a ride Derek" and I happily obliged. We had passionate, mind blowing exhilarating sex in my car in front of her house but more than that I was in love.

M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D

Time Period: August 2019

This is me trying

"Meredith you will come tonight. You are starting your final year of med-school and I want you to meet all of my attendings and the board before you graduate. We need to get started quickly. You'll charm them tonight with your brilliance and then we'll send a fruit basket…. No a hand-written note. More personal that's better" my mother coerced through the phone. I could tell she was speaking more to herself than me.

"I told you. I'm not doing my residency at Mass General." I could hear the edge in my voice

"You sound like a broken record Meredith. I don't have time for these childish games. It's getting exhausting."

I sighed "You never listen to me."

"Because you're acting ridiculous. My surgical program is the best in the country. Do you know how many people would kill for the opportunity and you don't want it out of what? Your sheer desire to disappoint me at every opportunity presented?"

I remained silent reeling at what she just accused me of. Ellis was quick though and I could tell she was about to re-present her demands in a different way.

"Meredith." She breathed

"I'm sorry. Whether you choose to do your residency at my hospital or not, it's still a great opportunity for you to meet some influential people in your field of work." She said a bit gentler this time.

I knew this conversation wasn't going to end until I relented. "Fine. What time?" I heard myself agree.

"Excellent. 7 pm and don't be late. Don't bring that idiotic friend of yours either and Meredith for the love of God, dress appropriately."

"Bye mom" I jeered and ended the phone call.

I had been trying. Trying now for a full year. A full year of trying my absolute best to forget him, forget the life we could have had. I was bright and shiny and now I'm dark and dull and my mother loves it.

I didn't want to go to her stupid program event tonight. Derek is probably an attending now which means he's going to be there, and I can't face him. I know he hates me. I know he'll never forgive me and I'm positive that he's moved on and I can't bear it.

So I put on my little black dress and black heels, add just a touch of makeup and I'm out the door standing at the convention hall, my mother always rents for Mass Gen events and charity banquets.

I avoid gazes. Everyone is always looking at me. I'm the Chief of Surgeries daughter there's a curiosity there and people have questions. They want to know more. I spot my friend Jackson and he waves me over. I'm feeling a lot better in his presence and I accidently make eye contact with my mother, she seems pleased that I seem to be enjoying myself. I can tell that I don't have much time with Jackson before she's going to introduce me to someone on her Board, so I have to act fast.

"Jackson- I know we don't talk about it. But…. Is he going to be here tonight?" I muster up the courage to say.

It takes Jackson a minute until he realizes "Shepherd? He left at the end of his residency. I don't know where he went but I could find out for you?"

"No. No. That's okay." Better I don't know I thought to myself.

He gives me a small smile "You two haven't been together for a while now." He states the obvious.

To some people it may feel like Derek and me have been long over, but I still feel like an opened wound. I'm still adjusting and I'm not sure I'll ever stop.

I don't regret ending it though. I'm more sure of my decision now than ever. I couldn't live a life like this – a life where I'm known for whom I'm related to rather than who I am. How am I supposed to live in their shadows? I deserve my chance too. Derek and I were the right people at the wrong time, and I don't think anyone could change my mind on that.

Nonetheless, this is me trying. Trying to stand on my own two feet. Trying to make my own name for myself. Trying to convince myself that eventually I'll be able to forget Derek Shepherd.