TW: brief flashbacks and descriptions of a panic attack
Having a friend means that as Jay is there for Cole, Cole is there for him, in ways Jay didn't think possible.
Nadakhan was a terrifying threat and an experience that will haunt Jay for the rest of his life. The worst part about the ordeal is that Jay can't run from it, for everything that happened with Nadakhan is all in his head, now.
Jay won't be caught saying that the means of which he managed to stop Nadakhan were bad, nor will he say that he wishes his friends could remember the events that he does. He is grateful that the tragedy of his and Nya's experiences aren't shared with the rest of the team, but—and Jay hates himself for this—a part of him wishes that he didn't feel so isolated in his misery.
The thing about Nadakhan is that defeating him left nothing behind. Ninjago is safe, the teapot never found. Nya is alive, and Jay suffers no injuries or physical reminders of the events.
But there are the memories, which wash over and pull at Jay like a riptide into sea, far from help and shore. He is nervous all the time, and he can't think, act, or even function like he used to.
To the rest of his team, it looks like an overnight change, and Jay hasn't yet found a way to explain it all. He is stuck worrying over and actively being affected by experiences that exist yet don't exist, and it is ruining his life.
It isn't like he can tell anyone, except Nya, but Nya isn't doing so well, either. She pretends that everything is fine, that the secret they share is a fun little inside joke, but Jay knows Nya. She doesn't talk about it because she doesn't want to talk about it, because that opens a door to memories she doesn't want to revisit.
They both need help that the other can't give, and Jay isn't sure how or if they will ever get it.
During these times, he is grateful for a friend like Cole.
Jay sits alone at the dining table, nervously spooning cookie dough into his mouth when Cole walks in. Jay doesn't see him because Cole doesn't leave footfalls anymore, and this fact is still something Jay is getting used to.
"You good?"
Jay jerks at the sudden voice and chokes as he swallows.
"Cole!" he fusses.
His friend holds up his hands in apology, practically floating over to a seat on the other side of the table. "What's wrong?"
Jay coughs, choking on his own spit and chunks of dough. Embarrassing.
"Nothing," he says, when he is able to breathe again, "You startled me."
"Sorry," says Cole, eyeing him curiously.
Jay knows the reasons for this look, aside from the reaction Jay just had. Jay is often startled these days, and if Cole notices, the rest of the team might, too. He wishes he could explain away his uneasiness, but he is too caught up with the storm raging away in his head to think of something good.
"Jay?" Cole leans over, and Jay realizes that he's gone quiet too long, stuck as his train of thought spins faster and faster until it falls off the rails.
"Hm?" Jay says.
"Are you alright?" Cole asks, and his tone is pointed this time.
Jay is aware that this makes the third time Cole has asked a question in this vein, but Jay never liked these kinds of questions even before Nadakhan turned his life into a waking nightmare. He usually is never sure of what he's feeling, aside from a lot, and now he feels so much that it almost makes him sick.
All he can say is that his stomach hurts these days.
"Yeah," Jay says, "Everything is fine!"
Cole gives him a look that Jay affectionately calls, The Eyebrow, a look that says, "I'm not buying that, Jay."
Jay looks away.
For whatever reason, Cole doesn't press, instead asking, "What's on your mind?"
Except this question is worse, and Jay definitely doesn't have an answer for it.
"Too much," he settles with, going back to his cookie dough.
"Do you want to talk about it?" asks Cole.
"Not really."
But Jay does, at least in this moment. He goes back and forth on whether he wants to share his secret, but he is sure at least that he wants to talk about what the secret is doing to him. He especially wants to talk about it with Cole, because Cole might be the only person who can help Jay out of the mess he made.
But he keeps his mouth shut. He made a promise.
"That's okay," says Cole, though he looks down with a worried frown, "Just wanted to check on you."
"Thank you," says Jay, "I really…I really appreciate that."
A beat of silence passes, to which Jay puts another spoonful of cookie dough into his mouth. He is exhausted, partly because his mind won't leave him alone, and partly because he'd spent the night falling in and out of uneasy sleep.
Since Nadakhan, Jay is often shaken awake at night by vicious nightmares. Sometimes, he remembers the dreams, and other times, he wakes with feelings of panic and horror.
On the nights that he remembers his dreams, he finds himself back on Nadakhan's ship, getting pushed around and beaten without an end in sight. Other nights, he is chased by that spider, inches away from an agonizing death.
And other nights, the worst nights, and this last night, Nya suffers that painful death in Jay's arms, and there is nothing he can do about it. This dream happens more often than it doesn't, and Jay sees Nya die over and over.
On these nights, Jay wakes up and doesn't go back to sleep.
The mornings are tired and anxious, and he wants so badly to leave it all behind. His experiences are memory and nothing more, and he can't escape them.
He doesn't know what to do.
"Jay—"
A chill ghosts over Jay's fingers, and he looks to see Cole's hand there, hovering just above his.
"Take it easy," says Cole.
"What?"
"You're eating that cookie dough pretty aggressively," says Cole, "Is something bothering you? Is there anything I can help you with?"
"No!" says Jay, quickly—perhaps too quickly, "I mean, uh, no, thanks. And no, I'm fine, actually."
"We've been through this," says Cole, "You can talk to me if something is bothering you. You might feel better."
"I know," says Jay, and the next time he swallows, there is a lump to work around. He pushes it down with the rest of his feelings and hopes for the best. "I—I'm just thinking about some stuff."
He steals a glance at Cole and looks away from the focused stare he gets in return. It's the stare Cole gives that convinces Jay that Cole can see right through him, directly into his thoughts and secrets.
He wonders if it is such a bad thing, this time.
"And," says Jay, "I've…been having bad dreams, lately."
"Really?" says Cole.
Jay nods, looking to the cookie dough and finding the wrapper completely empty. Zane will kill him for it later, since he just bought the thing, but Jay can't find it in him to care.
He sets the wrapper aside and turns his spoon over in his hands. He stares at his distorted reflection and wonders if the person staring back is someone he recognizes.
He hasn't been sure. Though he looks no different than he did before he met Nadakhan, something has changed about him that he can't name. When he looks in the mirror, sometimes he sees someone different than what he knew as Jay Walker.
But he looks the same. Maybe it is a trick of the light, or Jay is always at a bad angle.
Maybe, maybe.
"Yeah," says Jay, "It's been bad."
"What kind of dreams?" Cole asks.
Jay shrugs, scared to say more. Already, he is too close to revealing his experiences, but he can't keep something this big from Cole. He tells Cole everything, to the point that Cole knows Jay as well as himself, and likewise.
Except—a rude voice in Jay's head reminds him—Cole doesn't know Jay as well, anymore.
"I…" Jay thinks over his words carefully, "I dream that…about Nya dying."
Cole's eyebrows rise, and Jay stares steadfast at his spoon.
"And like—" Jay continues, despite every voice in his head telling him to shut up, "I'm holding her, and she's looking at me, and she—she dies. There's nothing I can do about it. I stare, and the world around us crumples."
"That's terrible, Jay," says Cole, "How long has this been happening? Do you know what might have prompted them?"
Oh boy. Jay picks at his spoon and accidentally sends it clattering across the table. In lieu of fiddling, he folds his hands. "I might possibly have a little bit of an idea, maybe."
Cole doesn't respond, waiting for Jay to continue. Jay looks everywhere but at Cole as he tries thinking of what to say next. If he looks at Cole, he might break down and spill everything in one massive surge of word vomit, and that is something Jay needs to avoid at all costs.
Nevertheless, he continues, "You see, I—we've lost so much lately. Between Zane and the experiences with Morro and Lloyd, and what happened to you. I—" Jay thinks, "I'm afraid of losing you guys, is all. So much has been happening that I worry. I don't want to lose you."
This isn't a lie. Jay would be nervous about this even without his experiences with Nadakhan. With them, however, it gives him a very tangible source for his fear.
The ghostly touch falls over Jay's hand again, squeezing now so that Jay almost feels the pressure. He doesn't think about it often, but he misses Cole's hugs.
"I'm sorry," says Cole, "I hate that this is happening to you, but you don't have to worry—"
"No," says Jay, shaking his head, "I did—do!"
"You don't," says Cole, "We always come through. You're not going to lose us."
Jay has already lost them, though. "We have lost people, and we will lose people again," says Jay, "Look at what's happened to us. Look at yourself!"
Cole looks down.
"Sometimes, we don't win the battle," says Jay, "Sometimes we lose. That scares me."
A beat of silence passes.
"It is scary," says Cole, "but that's why we have each other. When you get down, there will be someone there to pick you up. That's what friends are for."
"Yeah," says Jay, guilty and suffocating under the weight of his secret.
He wonders briefly if he can blurt it out now and beg Cole to keep it quiet, but he knows better than to believe something so big will stay between them.
"Listen," says Cole, shaking Jay's hand, "The next time you get one of these nightmares, you talk to me, okay?"
Jay blinks. "What?"
"Come talk to me," says Cole, "You don't have to describe your dreams or anything, but sit with me, and I'll do what I can to help you."
Jay stares at his friend, unable to believe his ears. "I can't ask you to do that."
"I'm offering," says Cole, "I don't want you to hurt over this."
"I'll wake you…"
"So what?" says Cole, "I don't mind. I want to help you."
Jay spends a solid ten seconds just staring at Cole, unable to believe his luck. A friend willing to do this for Jay—for Jay—is not a friend Jay dreamed he'd find, and yet Cole sits before him. The amount of love he feels for him in that moment swells.
He manages to choke out a "Thank you," without crying, and despite the well of tears lurking behind his eyes, he feels better for the first time in weeks.
The next time he has a nightmare, it isn't the worst he's had. He closes his eyes and feels a jolt where someone kicks him in the stomach. He is on Nadakhan's ship, a chain digging welts into his ankle while dozens of cruel eyes watch with sick mirth.
The crew pushes him around, and the pain almost hurts as it did when he first experienced it. When he opens his eyes to the darkness, he is half convinced his left eye throbs with abuse.
He brings a hand up, but nothing is there.
For a moment, he lies in bed and stares at the ceiling. As far as nightmares go, it isn't the sort that rouses him from bed to spend hours walking around, but sleep isn't guaranteed, either. He rolls over with the intent of staring at the wall until morning, but Cole's words come back to him.
He has no reason to doubt their validity, but he wonders if Cole means what he says. He spends ten minutes debating it before sitting up. It couldn't hurt to try, and it would be better to do so when the nightmare isn't one of his worst ones.
He finds Cole in the kitchen, staring at a block of cheese. Upon realizing Jay's presence, Cole glances up, and a beat passes where they just stare at each other.
"What're you doing?" asks Jay.
Cole closes the refrigerator with a sheepish smile. "I miss my midnight snacks."
Despite Cole's smile, that makes Jay sad.
"I'm sorry," he says.
"Don't be sorry," says Cole, cocking his head, "What's up with you? Are you okay?"
Jay stares at the floor, suddenly embarrassed. "I had a nightmare."
Cole nods, stepping forward. "You want to talk about it?"
Jay shakes his head.
"Do you want a distraction?"
Jay thinks it over, unsure of himself. He says, "Can we play some video games for a while?"
"Of course, Jay."
So they do. Cole doesn't talk much at first, but that could be because Jay doesn't speak at all. Eventually, Cole makes a comment on Jay's playing, the kind of playful jab that always elicits banter between them, and it isn't as difficult to respond as it has been in recent weeks.
This happens for a while, then Cole leaves in the middle of it and brings back a plate of cheese and crackers for Jay to chew on. Jay thanks him, but not before commenting on Cole's mediocre playing skills, to which Cole laughs.
They play until around three in the morning, at which point they decide to go to bed, but when they do, Jay feels better. He can't believe it, but he actually feels better.
He gives Cole a grin before returning to bed, grateful beyond words, and he sleeps.
Afterwards, he goes to Cole after every nightmare, never quite making it to talking about his dreams, but thankful for the support. Cole stays true to his word, and Jay feels less guilty as time goes on.
Cole greets Jay with a smile, and Jay doesn't know what to do with it all.
One night, he sees Nya die in his arms and wakes with tears streaming down his face. This alone is a problem, but he's also sweating bullets—right through his shirt. He throws himself out of bed, trying and failing to be quiet about it, and changes his clothes with shaking hands.
He tries getting Nya's face as she died out of his mind, but he can't. He closes his eyes and sees Nya's own, drained of their spark to the point that she almost looked like a doll. That was the worst part for Jay, seeing the life in her die out. She almost felt heavier afterwards, though Jay can't explain why.
The longer he thinks about it, the more uneven his breathing gets. He can't stay in this room, suddenly sure that there isn't enough air to sustain him.
He wants to run to Nya's room, shake her awake just to see that her spark is still there, but he doesn't want to bother her like that, especially if talking about it brings up unpleasant memories for her. Instead, he finds himself running to Cole, who thankfully sits awake in a chair, reading a book.
"Jay?" Cole questions, and the look on his face does not bode well for how Jay must appear.
He stares at his friend, desperate to find some excuse. He swore that he stopped crying shortly after he awoke, but he brings a hand to his face and finds his cheek wet. Cole closes his book and stands.
"What—what's wrong?" Cole asks, looking near panicked.
Jay doesn't know how to handle that or respond, for it is all too much. He struggles around his words until he manages to say, "I need—I need some air."
Cole nods and rushes past Jay for the door. "You want to go outside?"
"No," says Jay, "I need to get away from here."
The walls are too confining, sucking all the air away. He sees Nya's face, then pictures the rest of his team the same way.
They're all dolls, and they're all dead.
He thinks as much, then sees Cole gesturing for Jay to follow him, the antithesis of Jay's thoughts. Jay hangs onto that and follows his friend, careful not to turn away.
They go outside and end up leaving altogether, driving down a backroad going nowhere. Cole is at the wheel, not his usual role since it takes so much energy to remain solid enough to operate machinery, but Cole got into the driver's seat without question.
Jay sits on the passenger's side, and though he rolls the window as far down as it will go, he still can't seem to get enough air in his lungs. It's almost painful the way the wind whips through his hair, drying his cheeks and chilling his bones, but he's gasping like a fish out of water.
"Jay—"
Cole speaks, breaking through the chaos surrounding Jay.
"Jay," says Cole, "Count with me and breathe. In and out, just count."
Jay isn't sure of what Cole means until Cole starts counting. He counts to four, then instructs Jay to breathe out next. Cole counts to eight, but Jay hadn't breathed in enough the first time and is done far before Cole reaches that number.
He inhales at the right time on the next count and breathes out on Cole's count to eight. Cole continues his instruction, in for four seconds, out for eight. Jay follows it until his breathing slows, and only then is he able to speak.
"Can you pull over?"
Cole does so without question, just off the side of the road. For a moment, Jay breathes. The silence of night rings loud through the windows, but a moment of listening makes Jay turn his head sideways, for the night isn't quite silent.
Cole watches Jay before saying, "Are you—"
"Wait," says Jay, "Do you hear that?"
In the distance, over a hill, light shines, but it is the sounds of mellow rock and roll mixed with vague cheering that reach Jay. Curious, Jay points at the lights, and Cole drives up until they reach a fence line.
Below sits an amphitheater, where a late-night concert is in full swing. The band on stage plays studio music that sounds like it would have been popular forty years ago, but in Jay's frazzled state, it is somehow the best thing he's ever heard.
Without a word, he unbuckles and hops out of the car, walking forward to sit on the hood.
Cole turns off the vehicle, and it is a while before he follows suit, settling quietly next to Jay. For a moment, they just sit, and Jay closes his eyes as he listens to the music, trying to calm his still rapidly beating heart.
Cole breaks the silence. "It was pretty intense this time, huh?"
Jay nods.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Not this time. Jay doesn't want to tell anyone of what he and Nya know, for he wouldn't wish this on his worst enemies.
"I can't," he says.
Cole goes quiet. Jay opens his eyes and looks at his friend, worried for the response he'll receive.
Cole says, "Is there something you're keeping from me?"
Jay releases a breath. He expected this, or he should have expected this, because Cole has gotten good at reading him. "Would you be mad if I did have secrets?"
In the silence, Jay studies his friend. He expects anger at the implication that Jay would be keeping secrets, or sadness at being left out of one, but he gets none of that. Cole looks thoughtful.
"You're not obligated to tell me things that you're not comfortable sharing," says Cole, picking his words carefully, "If there is something you would rather keep to yourself, that's okay."
Jay decides that Cole is too nice of a person for a friend like Jay and looks forward.
"That said," Cole continues, "I hope I haven't done anything to make you scared to tell me something."
Jay's eyes go wide. "Oh, no! No, it's not you, I swear! You're just about the only person in the world I'm comfortable sharing all my secrets with."
Cole listens as Jay talks, always watching with his steady gaze.
"I just—there are some things I don't want to talk about," says Jay, "I'd rather leave them buried so they go away."
"It sounds like that isn't working," says Cole.
He doesn't know the half of it, yet he is right.
"If not talking about something is affecting you this much," says Cole, "it might be best to start talking about it."
Jay stares at the sky above them, eyes watering. He can't see many stars from here with the lights below.
He says, "How do I start?"
He doesn't know. He doesn't know what to do with any of this.
Cole says, "Why don't you start by talking about your dream tonight? It might help to discuss how they make you feel."
Jay laughs, and it is bitter. "I think it's pretty clear how it makes me feel."
He sees Cole's logic, though.
"Have you ever seen someone die?" Jay asks, "I mean, been right next to them as they died, and you saw them leave?"
"Yes," says Cole.
Jay looks over.
"My mom," says Cole.
This makes something in Jay's chest twitch, yet at the same time, a weight lifts, as well. "How did it make you feel?"
"Helpless, mostly."
It is strange, but Jay feels relief. Cole understands, then—he understands to some extent what Jay feels right now.
Jay feels relief so powerful that it threatens to overcome him, but it is hard not to feel guilty, too. Cole doesn't even know what his answer means for Jay.
"Did you have that dream you were talking about?" asks Cole, "You dreamed that someone died?"
"Yeah," says Jay, "Again. I don't know how to make them stop. I'm just—I'm so scared. I don't want to lose you guys."
It all comes back to that, so he says it over and over. He can't lose his friends, because Jay doesn't think he will survive it.
"You won't lose us," says Cole.
"You don't know that!" says Jay.
"You don't know otherwise, either," says Cole, and he sits up as Jay leans back, "Look, losing someone is always hard, but one of the things I've learned in my years is that you can't worry over what might never happen."
"In your years? What are you, eighty?" Jay falls so he's leaning flat on the windshield, but he does so a little too hard and bangs his head. "If only it were that easy."
"It isn't easy," Cole admits, "but please understand, some things are going to be out of your control. It's a hard thing to accept, especially given what we do, but look at us—"
Jay looks at Cole, really staring at his face. Cole is almost solid, but Jay still sees hints of sky and lights through his friend.
"—we're alive," says Cole, "We've made it this far."
They almost didn't, but there are many times that they almost didn't. It never affected Jay this much before.
Maybe he should start talking about it.
Jay looks at the sky and wonders if it is enough to remember that they made it. They are alive, somehow. They beat Nadakhan, and they are alive.
Jay is here, Nya is here, as are the rest of the ninja. They are here to talk and laugh and fight together, and they have pulled through.
"Try to focus on that. We're still here," says Cole.
"For now," says Jay.
"Yeah," says Cole, "The only time we have is now."
That isn't wrong, and Jay isn't sure how it helps. It does give him something to think about going forward, for as long as he is keeping his secret.
"Sorry about this," he says, "I understand if you don't want to help me anymore."
Cole stares at him, aghast. "I still want to help you!"
"Even after this?"
"Jay," Cole almost laughs in disbelief, "There's no way I'm letting you go through this alone. Even if I can't help you, I'll find someone who will." He goes quiet for a moment before saying, "I hate that this is happening to you. I really do."
Jay shrugs, unsure of how else to respond. It isn't like he wouldn't do the same for Cole, but he doesn't know if he deserves this.
Cole says, "I wish there was more I could do for you."
Jay looks at his friend, the distant crowd cheering as the musicians on stage switch songs. "Why?"
Cole frowns, this time. "Because I care about you."
Cole says it like it is obvious, which it is.
"Even though I'm kind of messed up sometimes?" Jay asks, anyway.
"Everyone is a little bit messed up," says Cole, "but yeah. Kindness is what you deserve."
Jay doesn't know what to do with that right away, but Cole is content to let the silence sit. So Jay tries looking at the stars again, all at once overcome with a strange sense of peace.
Cole has his back.
"Cole, you've helped me more than you'll ever know," says Jay.
Cole looks at him, and Jay smiles.
They leave the conversation at that, for it is all that needs to be said at the time. As the night passes, they stay for the rest of the concert, bobbing their heads to the songs the band plays. They talk and joke after a while, and Jay tries chugging a can of soda they find rolling around in the backseat of the car.
Jay coughs up half of it over the grass, and Cole laughs. Not only does Jay forget his nightmare, but the memory of the music playing as he hacks up soda becomes one of his favorites.
Though the nightmares don't stop right away, they do wane with time, and regardless of whether Jay talks of his nightmares or the feelings they leave him with, Cole is there to listen, and the presence alone helps. The time that passes and support Jay receives help him with his experiences, and he thinks he can manage a path towards being okay.
When Jay looks in the mirror, he finds himself able to grin or flex at his reflection, like Jay Walker would do.
He starts finding Cole at night or in the evenings even when he doesn't have nightmares, just because he enjoys spending time with his friend. He lets Cole know of this, too, so the mood isn't dampened when they do something fun.
Two months after the Day of the Departed, Jay finds Cole in the early hours of the morning, nudging at his shoulder. Cole is already grinning as he rolls over, and Jay smiles back.
"We should go to the beach!" he says.
Cole doesn't reply, simply getting up.
They find a public beach an hour's drive away, so they pack enough food for a picnic, leave a note under Zane's hand letting everyone know where they are, and drive with the windows rolled all the way down.
The only other people there when they arrive are a couple of joggers, and they spend just enough time to get their supplies set against the sand before throwing off their shirts and bolting into the waves.
They enjoy the water for all of five seconds before running back to shore, freezing cold, but laughing. Instead, they chase each other along the shoreline until they warm up again, casting splashes that send droplets flying as high as Jay is tall.
In these moments, Jay forgets what it means to be miserable, for all he knows is joy.
They spend half the day there, swimming and enjoying themselves on shore. Jay finds a shell speckled three different colors that he decides to take home to Nya, and Cole finds a shark tooth the size of the top half of his thumb.
He gives it to Jay and tells him to keep it, and Jay gives Cole a hug.
The reasons for this go far past the shark tooth, but he thinks that Cole knows all that Jay is trying to say.
He's always been good on picking up at that stuff.
I'll be frank, I think the show's decision to have Jay and Nya keep the events of season 6 a secret was kind of dumb. The stuff that I describe Jay going through in this chapter is not stuff that can be resolved by the end of the chapter, but the focus was on Cole's attempts at helping Jay. I hope it comes across well.
Anyway, thank you for reading! You guys continue to amaze me with your kindness!