If the World Was Ending
Chapter 4
"I tell you Mols he's a bleeding nightmare." Jackie continued her rant as she continue to pant climbing up the path. "I mean I thought it was the G spot that men have trouble in finding... not the sodding dirty washing basket."
Behind her gasping for breath Molly followed chuckling away. The days that she spent out with Jackie were always fun. Today was no exception. They were both doing one of their favourite things. A nice long walk in the hilly countryside around where they both were stationed. Usually, days like these involved a lot of gossip and a lot of fun. Today was no exception.
"I mean I love him. I really do Mols." Jackie shook her head and stopped. "But honestly there's times why I wonder why am with him. He drives me fucking nuts."
Again, all Molly could do was laugh. Jackie ranted and raved about her husband. And as she did so her steps got wider and faster and Molly's smaller legs were struggling to keep up. Yet she didn't mind, she knew her best mate loved her man. Like her and Charles, they appeared to be perfect for each other. And so, she wisely held her counsel throughout it all, merely listening to Jackie rather than giving advice.
She knew Jackie absolutely adored her husband of the past five years, but it wasn't unusual for them to be like fire and ice at times. They were perfect for one another, but their relationship was volatile to say the least. Whenever she met up with Jackie her mate was either madly, deeply, totally in love with her husband and he could do no wrong, or like today he could do no right.
"I tell you Molly." Jacki suddenly stopped and looked at her friend as she walked up to her. "You're out of it... you're well out of it. If I had my chance again there is no bloody way I'd get married. You don't know how lucky you are."
Molly said nothing but her face give it away.
"Shit. Sorry Molly. I didn't mean it like that." Instantly realising she had said the wrong thing. For what ever had happened in the past she knew that Molly still wished she had Charles in her life. Her comments had been insensitive and hard. "I didn't mean like that Mols. I'm sorry."
Jackie reached out her arm and held onto Molly's shoulder squeezing it and looking for forgiveness.
"I know." Molly's face tried to twist into a smile and half achieved the desired effect. She bit her lip and turned away looking out at the spectacular view now they reach the summit of the hill they had been marching up for the past half an hour. She swallowed deeply as she thought back to her life with Charles. She smiled. He didn't leave his underpants lying right around the bedroom like Jackie's husband did, but even if he had she wouldn't have minded. Sadly, she knew she would kill to have something that intimate in her life once again. That level of comfortableness. That level of contentment and friendship.
She turned to look at her friend who was starting to unpack the picnic lunch that they brought with them. As she bent down to examine the rock she was going to sit on for the next 10 or 15 minutes she said quietly.
"He wasn't always a bastard you know?"
She continued.
"It was good. Most of the time. It was really really good. And then suddenly I just lost him. Didn't get the chance to say goodbye; didn't get the chance to fight for us; didn't get the chance to get him to listen to me. Didn't get the chance to help."
Jackie just smiled sadly. She had heard it all before. The regret that Molly felt over the loss of Charles. Regret she felt that it had ended, ended before it was really finally over. Molly had thought she had no more fight in her, and even if she had Charles wouldn't have paid any attention. He was too far gone.
"You know it's such a small bloody place the Army." Jackie said considering as she bit into a ham and cheese sandwich. "I mean you can't literally fart without somebody knowing about it. Yet after all these years and you're telling me you've never seen him."
She shook her head. Realising that it wasn't luck or fate that had kept them apart. It was probably all down to Charles. He probably would have mastered it so well, so efficiently his life without her, and made sure he stayed away from her or anything that could be associated with her.
"You know what?" Molly took a deep swig of the hot tea from the flask Jacki handed her. "Don't know what I do if I saw the bastard now. Don't know what I'd say to him, don't know if I'd even talk to him."
"It's incredible," Jackie said and thought no more of it.
Yet Molly did. The thought continued as to what she would do if she ever saw him again. She knew he had turned up at her hospital bed, she knew he had been there for her, but he hadn't stayed. He hadn't hung around to see if she'd wake up. He had left as soon as he knew she was better. He was saying, once again by his actions, was he didn't want to see her.
Still Molly kept thinking. She kept wondering what would happen if they ever did meet. How would it feel to see him again. She knew it hurt not seeing him but wondered if it would hurt more to see him.
The conversation played around in her head for days, and it became even more upfront in her mind after a conversation with Candy.
She still visited Candy several times every year since Smurf's death. She was a lonely lady who had lost both her sons, and Molly felt sorry for her. She also really liked her too, and so the news of Candy's deteriorating health hit Molly hard over the past year.
So, she began to visit more frequently and every time she saw Candy Molly appreciated the value of grasping opportunities in life more and more. She was now living in a sheltered accommodation complex where most of her needs could be looked after when the time came. It meant she had company after her lonely life, she still carried that sadness about her since she lost her boys. Yet there was still part of her that continued to have a wicked sense of humour and a fierce level of fight in her. They always came out when Molly visited. They enjoyed each other's company.
Whenever they got together the conversation always turned to Molly's life. When Candy had first heard about Molly and Charles getting married it was a difficult time for her, but she put on a brave face and tried to be happy for Molly. Then when she heard Molly and Charles were getting divorced she showed how much she loved Molly and was there for her from day one. Being the place where she sometimes ran to to get away from it all. Never once criticising Charles, never once agreeing with Molly when she badmouthed him. Instead, she was there as a friend, who listened and supported Molly. Molly was grateful for that knowing that Candy was never Charles' biggest fan, she still held him accountable for the death of her two sons, but time had calmed her. Calmed her enough to be a good enough friend to Molly in her loss.
And so each and every time Molly went to visit the conversation always went back to Smurf, the good all days and then inevitably Charles.
"I'm starting to make plans." Candy suddenly said.
Molly looked at her and paused halfway in taking her coat off.
"Plans? What do you mean...,plans?" But Molly knew full well what she was talking about.
"My funeral and that." Candy saw Molly's face start to crumple in sadness. "No stop that." She said and grabbed Molly's hand. "We both know it's something I have to do. You know what my brothers are like. I need to do this so I have the seeing off that I want, rather than some stupid bugger from my family making it into something that they want, and completely ignoring anything that I've ever told them."
Molly laughed. "Yeah I see what you mean. I know your brothers. It will be a full catholic funeral, lots of hymns...and lots of Welsh songs."
"You better believe it will. Peter would do it just to spite me. I know him. I've told him time and time again I want egg and tomato sandwiches at my wake, and I want to be burned with Tom Jones singing as I go out."
Molly laughed. It wasn't inevitable, but Candy needed control, to plan. That's all she had left.
"You'll come Molly? To my funeral? To see me off? And make sure that I do get the Delilah song played at least once."
Molly nodded.
"Of course I will. You know I will. You'll tell me what you want, write it down, let's make it official and I'll make sure those idiot brothers of yours follow it."
"Pretty simple. Apart from Tom singing. The only other real thing that must happen is I want to be buried next to my boys. You know that right? You 'll make sure it happens won't you Molly?" Candy said pleading, squeezing, gripping tight onto Molly's hand.
Molly nodded as tears spilled down her cheeks. "Yeah. Course I will."
There was silence in the sitting room for a period of time. And then suddenly Candy broke the thoughts that they both were having.
"Do you think he'll come?"
"Who?" Molly asked tentatively.
"You know... your Charles. Captain James. When my world ends. Do you think he'll be there? To say goodbye. Another Smith funeral he has to attend."
Molly did didn't even need to think. She knew what the answer would be. She knew the loyalty of the man she loved. Despite what he had done.
"Yes he'll be there. Do you mind?"
"No." Said Candy. "I don't. Seems right he would be there. Sort of he was there at the beginning of all these funerals and then he'll be there at the end."
Molly sat back on the settee and closed her eyes, the emotions of the day resting heavy on her eyelids.
"Will you mind him being there?" Candy asked Molly.
Molly snapped open her eyes. "Mind?" She asked. "Why would I mind?
Candy laughed in then inhaled on the cigarette ignoring the disapproving look that Molly was giving her. She figured she was going to enjoy her life the way she wanted to enjoy it. She knew Molly wouldn't say anything, and she knew secretly Molly respected Candy that she was doing things her way.
"Well, I guess you haven't seen him for quite a while have you? My funeral would be the first time years. Not exactly a tinder date...,but still could be a bit awkward."
Molly laughed. "Don't worry. I'll behave."
Candy took a drag of her cigarette savouring the burning feeling in her throat. Knowing that within moments there would be a coughing fit, but that initial hit to her lungs was pleasant and enjoyable and she didn't care.
"I know you'll behave. Don't care if you don't. May make it all the more fun if you do kick off." Candy laughed then paused. "And I know he'll be there. I just worry about after." And then looking at Molly she raised her eyebrows questioning. "It will be hard seeing him for the first time... might hurt. But still... if we get you two talking again maybe me dying in the end will be worth it!"
The drive home was a long and slow and gave her plenty time to think.
Her visits with Candy were always emotional. For a long time, they had been happy visits, but not lately. Molly knew that maybe in time she was going to lose somebody again, someone who she loved, and Molly knew that it was going to be hard to take.
Still though their conversations had given her a lot to think about. She knew now that she couldn't avoid Charles forever. She knew that he'd always be part of her life.
Either intentionally or unintentionally. She knew she couldn't run away from what her life was, and what it had been. Who she had loved and who had loved her.
She knew now that she really needed to know. She needed to know how he was.
Was he like her? Was he tortured by the past mistakes that had been made?
Did he find himself alone at night still crying over the loss of what they had? Did he find himself hurting still over it all when he thought about her, or was just her?
Molly needed to know.
She needed to know if he still was screaming on the inside at the thought of what they had lost. She now needed to know if he too counted the hours, the days, the weeks, months since they separated. She needed to know if it was just her, and if it was she knew then it was time to let him go forever.
She wanted to let go of the hurt and anger she still felt.
And so, she found herself pulling off at the familiar exit on the motorway making a direct path to his home.
She had telephoned first. Made sure that there was somebody at the address. That he'd be ready to talk. That the effort she was making wasn't going to be wasted.
She felt surprisingly brave and calm when she arrived. And when she knocked on the front door, and was met with concerned, worried, but familiar brown eyes, she knew she had done the right thing.
It had been too long. They needed to make changes in their lives, and the first step of that was to start talking.
It was comfortable it was relaxed. She was ushered into the kitchen and sat down. She was made to feel welcome and she almost believed at that moment that the man standing in front of her was calm and collected, and that the conversation wasn't something that he wouldn't struggle with.
Yet she knew him. She knew on the exterior that this was how he presented himself, but she could tell the signs. The hand constantly worrying the hair. The arms repeatedly folded as he stood in front of her. It made her feel happy that he was just as nervous to talk about this with her, as she was.
But still she did let him talk. She listened. The sins of Charles' past were hard for her to hear, she knew most of them anyway, and what she needed to hear were the true reasons why.
It took a lot of her strength to sit there and listen, and it was many hours later when she saw herself head out of the door. She had clarity, she had understanding, she had hope.
"Thank you Molly. Thank you for listening."
She turned and looked at him and saw the pain he had suffered because of them.
She turned and held tightly onto his hand.
"I knew it was time." She said. "I knew that we both have to stop running from this and face up to what it was, what it used to be, and maybe what even it could be."
He nodded. "He loves you; you know?" He said.
"I know. I really know."
"So, what now?" Edward ask Molly. It had been the one question he'd not been able to ask over the past couple of hours as she sat and listened to him and his explanations and feelings as to why Charles did what he did. "Where do you go from here? "
"I guess I go away and think about it." She said looking into the brown eyes of Charles' father. "And then I guess I work out what to do."
"Will you go and see him?" Edward asked. "Charles I mean? Will you go and see him? "
"Yes I will." Molly knew that she would. She had listened to Edward talk and a sense of realisation had come upon her. It wasn't his father that she needed to be talking to, to be listening to, but it was Charles. "Don't worry I will I really will."
"It will be hard Molly. You know that? But I know that it's time. That boy of mine is hurting. He can't move on; he can't do anything. He needs your forgiveness Molly."
"I don't want him to keep hurting. I don't want him to feel that I could never forgive him. I need to hear a lot more from him though." She hugged Edward. "I ain't saying that it's ever going to be right between us, or anything more than just friends but it's time we were given the chance."
Edward smiled and nodded. "You're right Molly... give yourself a chance... give him a chance and see where that takes you."
"Thank you." She said. "Thank you for always being there for me; and Charles."
"It's been my honour and privilege. I love you both. But he's my son and unfortunately I won't be happy until he is. I know he messed up, but I couldn't stand watching him messing up the rest of his life because he doesn't think he is strong enough to ask for your forgiveness."
"I'll try not to hurt him anymore." Molly said and turn the left.
She started the car and drove off looking in the rear view mirror watching Edward on the steps of the house waving.
She now knew for the first time in such a long time what she had to do and that made her happy.
She had to see Charles, she had to give him a chance. She had to listen, and she had to show him she still cared.