Robert had tried to occupy his mind with a lot of things in the past days but in the dark of the night he traveled back to the cherry tree. To the seemingly happy world of Gibbs and Tony. A Tony he wasn't but wished to be, more and more.
The more time passed, the heavier was the weight of guilt on his shoulders. He hid behind his amnesia, rejected the calls, ignored the texts the team was sending him. Everyone was calling or texting him, now and then, except for Gibbs and in very few, maybe not-so-sober moments, he could admit that a sign of life by Gibbs was the only thing he really wanted. But how could he dare to wish for it, thinking of all the pain he had caused. He wanted to know if he could be as happy as Tony had been but what if not. He couldn't do this to Gibbs, not twice.
*/*
~He was sitting between Gibbs' legs, reclining against his chest. Feeling Gibbs' arms protectively around him. He gazed down at the matching bracelets, smiling inwardly. He felt so content with him and his life.
He couldn't believe how lucky they were. How lucky he had been, finding something like this.~
Robert groaned as he blinked and realised he was back in his bed. Loneliness and the feeling of defeat scared the last of the bright feelings away.
It was still pitch black outside but lately he knew there was no use in trying to fall back asleep. So he got up and grabbed a shirt and sweatpants. He wandered to his particular drawer where he stored the photo album and bracelets. Robert let the silver glide through his fingers, rubbing over the panels.
A shiver ran down his spine and on a sudden wave of self pity and bravery he closed his hand around the jewelry and left his apartment.
As the cab dropped him off, he wasn't as brave anymore. The dark house in front of him still made him feel at home but was he really able to face Gibbs.
He made a good attempt, reaching at least the front steps. As he reached the last step he stopped, staring at the wooden door. He shook himself but he couldn't move on. To his bewilderment he couldn't leave either.
Robert groaned and let himself drop to the stairs. He didn't know what to do and he didn't know what was right. He didn't have the right to storm into Tony's life and demand all he had had. This wasn't fair.
The sun was slowly rising as Robert was reluctantly able to get moving. He closed his eyes and was about to take one last breath in preparation to leave as he heard the front door being opened. He gulped down a big lump in his throat and cursed himself for not leaving earlier. Robert listened intently as footsteps came close. He heard someone placing an object next to him and the footsteps departed again.
As he opened his eyes, he saw a coffee mug sitting next to him, filled with steaming hot coffee. A big smile creeped onto his face as he took it in hand. The taste of it was just right and he relished the moment.
They didn't speak, not this time nor the others. It became kind of a habit. Every night Robert woke, he sooner or later found himself on Gibbs' front steps. Sooner or later, Gibbs would come out and place a cup of coffee next to him only to vanish again.
Sometimes Gibbs came home late, he walked by and a couple of minutes later Robert had a cup next to him. Everytime Robert sipped his coffee and cursed himself for being weak again and every day he promised himself it would be the last.
The dreams got more intense and present with every passing day. Robert felt as if he was drowning in a nasty swamp of second hand emotions.
He felt like losing a battle he never could have won in the first place.
When Gibbs pulled into his driveway that night, he had lost track of the amount of nights spent on the front steps. As he passed by, Robert took his wrist and Gibbs instantly froze. Robert felt fingertips lightly touch the back of his hand. He couldn't bring himself to look at the men next to him and let go of the wrist. Gibbs sighed and vanished into the dark of his house. Robert hated himself. Why was he doing this to him? Why couldn't he leave Gibbs alone? It sure was hard enough for him.
Robert heard the door being opened and hated himself even more. Even now Gibbs was bringing him a steaming mug. He placed it on the wood and, to Robert's disbelief, settled down next to him. Gibbs gazed into the distance as Robert silently sipped the coffee.
They still didn't speak. They just sat on the top step of the house gazing into the air. Night after night. Mostly Gibbs was the one to leave first and Robert stayed a few more minutes not able to go home already.
*/*
~"Tony, are you done, now?" Gibbs growled impatiently as Tony took another selfie of them.
"Just one more. It is just the perfect light right now." He had to smile as he saw the annoyed look on Gibbs' face and on an impulse he kissed his cheek the moment he took the picture. "I love you!" He whispered into Gibbs' ear and he kissed him in reward.
Gibbs turned towards the mountain, gazing into the distance. Tony cuddled to his back, bringing his arms around him and felt Gibbs' hand move to cover his. He sighed as he rested his chin on Gibbs' shoulder, enjoying the moment deeply.
"Let's get married." Gibbs stated.
'Let's... get… married.' The words just slowly sunk in. Tony rapidly blinked as his mind tried to process these words.
"Are you… proposing to me?" Tony didn't even recognise his own voice.
"Maybe. Might depend on the answer." Gibbs returned, still watching something far away.
"But we can't. We can't even tell someone we are together. We… how… what? I..." Gibbs turned and cupped his face. "Tony. Yes or no?"
Tony was searchingly looking in the blue eyes for answers to all the questions he got in mind. But all he found was honest love.
"Maybe if you would do it right." Tony smiled, challenging. Gibbs rolled his eyes and caressed Tony's cheek.
"Anthony D. DiNozzo, I love you, will you marry me?" He let his annoyed half smile show but his eyes only displayed endless affection.
"I do." Tony smiled into the kiss.~
Robert woke with a stiff neck. He sighed and kneaded his nape. He slowly blinked his eyes open to see the far too well known front yard of Gibbs' house. He groaned and couldn't believe he fell asleep in this place. A hand with a certain mug came into view and he gratefully took it. He sipped the hot brew, while he wondered how long Gibbs had been sitting next to him.
"We are married?" Robert's voice was low and colored with fear. But this question was torturing him since the first time he had this dream.
"Kind of..." Gibbs trailed off. His voice was raw and Robert regretted this question immediately but he crossed the point of no return already.
"I'm sorry." They still avoided looking at each other. "Can you tell me?"
Gibbs sighed and shifted seemingly uncomfortable on the stairs. "There is not much to tell. I asked you, you said yes and a few days later we got married."
"But why then kind of..?" Robert didn't like to press but he now needed to know everything.
"We are not legally married in the States, only in Japan." He cleared his throat. "It was good enough for us. We couldn't tell anyone, anyway. So…" Gibbs shrugged.
"Ducky knows, doesn't he?" Robert asked.
"Yup." His voice was still rough. "He guessed it."
Gibbs chuckled low. "The only person not being a highly trained investigator guessed it."
Robert smiled.
"And to keep it a secret we don't have wedding bands but bracelets?" Robert placed a hand on his pocket to make sure the jewelry was still safe. "What is written on it?"
"eien no yuujou. It means eternal friendship." Gibbs took a deep breath.
"Oh." Robert felt a bit disappointed. "I thought it would be something with 'love', maybe."
"All to keep it secret. I didn't like it but actually you said you liked it more because 'no love, without friendship'. And in your screwed up logic it meant 'eternal friendship equals eternal love plus one and plus one is always better'" Gibbs chuckled again.
Robert remained silent. He didn't know what to say. He wished, he longed to fall into his arms. To tell him everything would be fine but how could he?
Gibbs got up and went inside.
Robert fished the bracelets out of his pocket and wondered why he was always carrying them around. This was a question he had asked himself at least a thousand times but they always made their way back into his pocket. He caressed the engraving and thought about the new input. Tony's thinking really made sense to him. On an impulse he placed one around his left wrist, like Tony had worn it in his dreams. It felt somehow right, it felt good.
*/*
As Robert left the front door of his apartment, he stopped dead in his tracks. Gibbs was sitting on his stairs. Robert walked over and took a seat. It was the same setting but a different scene, both gazed into the distance, silently.
Robert wondered why he was here. As the time passed he started worrying about Gibbs.
"Everything okay?" Robert inquired.
Gibbs huffed. "Except for the usual, yes."
Robert closed his eyes in shame. Perfect question to ask someone who had lost a dear one. "I'm just wondering why you are here."
"Why have you been sitting on my porch every night for the past weeks?" He returned the question.
"I... don't know." Robert felt guilt rising.
"Believe it or not but I miss you badly, Tony. I lost you to something way worse than death." Robert gulped and kneaded his hands.
"Gibbs…" He stopped not knowing what to say.
"It's okay. I'm a stranger to you. But understand that I have problems dealing with this, too." Gibbs placed his hand on Robert's and stopped him from kneading. He took his left and interlaced their fingers. "I love you. I will always love you but I can't go on like this. Everytime I see you sitting in front of my house I simply want to drag you in, chain you to a chair and beat you until you remember. My heart breaks everytime you leave. I tried to live with whatever you can offer me but it is not enough. It's either all or nothing." Gibbs paused, looking down at their joint hands. "So I came to say goodbye, Tony."
Gibbs pressed a kiss on the back of Robert's hand and got up. Robert tried to hold onto the touch of their skin as long as possible while Gibbs was reluctantly walking down the stairs. Robert frantically thought about something to say. He didn't want to lose him but how could he be in for all with someone he didn't know.
Gibbs was already a few feet away as Robert finally got into motion.
"Gibbs!" He called after him. He closed the gap with three long steps as Gibbs turned and Robert kissed him like Tony had kissed him the first time under the cherry tree.
"I want you to keep this." He pressed the second bracelet into his hand as he rested his forehead on Gibbs'. Robert took a final deep breath and left.