Chapter 4: I've been trying hard not to talk to you
I don't wanna make you feel bad
But I've been trying hard not to talk to you
Sunflower, Vol. 6 - Harry Styles
James spent the next few days floating mindlessly through class, his mind on Lily and the menial, day-to-day mannerisms he had come to be fascinated with.
He had told himself he would ignore Lily's rejection and blatant refusal to be cordial but after the morning of the full moon, he couldn't get the soft touch of her fingers out of his mind. He told himself it was just because she had finally had a nice, civil conversation with him, but he knew his feelings for her had finally spilt from the reservoir they had been locked up in.
"Mate, what is with you lately? Sirius prodded James with a finger.
They were sitting on their usual table in the back of Charms. Remus and Peter across the aisle, Lily and Mary perfectly situated in front of him.
He had been staring at a loose strand of red hair that had fallen out of Lily's ponytail.
"Nothing" James grumbled back. He didn't want Sirius to know that he was back to square one. Hopelessly infatuated with Lily Evans.
She hadn't said anything to him since that morning, in fact, he was sure that Lily was avoiding him more than usual.
"I thought you were over her" Sirius hissed in his ear.
James tore his gaze from Lily's neck instantly, shoving his hands in his hair in response. Sirius' grey eyes were very obviously judging him and James had no idea what to say back.
"You told me that you were over her. I thought with all the girls you were seeing over the summer, that was true!"
James groaned. Either he would tell Sirius everything or Sirius would wrangle it out of him.
"She walked in on me coming out of the shower the other day, the morning after the full moon. She saw the scratches on my back and she healed them for me."
"And?" Sirius huffed.
"She couldn't tear her eyes away from me Pads, and just it felt so intense...and not in like an awkward way" James mind had drifted back to that morning,
Sirius sighed heavily.
"I knew this would happen.."
James nibbled on his bottom lip, readying himself for the onset of Sirius Black's world renowned lecture on one Miss Lily Evans.
"You're basically living with the girl you've been hung over for years with, you were either going to fall even more desperately in love with her or you were going to fuck everything up and make Lily hate you even more...or both!" Sirius explained, adding a humorous shrug at the end.
James watched Sirius as his eyebrows furrowed. It was odd seeing him so...dare he think it, serious. He understood what his best mate was saying, and deep down he knew as soon as he saw Lily in the heads compartment on the Hogwarts express, that this was bound to happen. He just didn't see the curve ball that was inexplicably, the new bold and breathtaking 17 year old Lily Evans.
She had started the new year, berating him for his jokes and scolding him for taking his head boy duties in his stride but he also sensed something else beneath it all. She was holding back on something.
"She's different this year" James almost whispered.
"You say that every year"
"I mean, you saw her last year, she was moody and grumpy all the time. But now…"
"She's grown a foot taller, has magnificent boobs and finally learnt how to dress well?" Sirius jabbed cheekily.
James glared at his friend.
"Well it's true" Sirius chuckled.
"Well yes that, but she just seems more confident, happy almost"
"Almost?"
"Never mind"
James shook his head and looked down at his blank piece of parchment.
He had heard about her busy summer, and his heart almost seemed to clench every time someone mentioned her escapades but he knew something happened over those few months, that changed Lily Evans, and he wasn't sure if it was a good or bad thing.
Lily was desperately trying to focus on the task at hand.
Two grams of Dandelion root.
Half a phial of wormwood.
Stir anticlockwise three times.
The classroom was empty. It was just her and the boiling cauldron in front of her. She had to make extra replenishment potions for Madam Pomfrey, a large part of her healer training was learning the common potions that frequented the hospital wing.
She liked potion-making. It pulled her into an easy flow, chopping, stirring, counting. She was grateful that she could practice over the last summer, being seventeen now, and legally able to use magic outside of Hogwarts. She had worked though half of her workbook already before she came back to Hogwarts for her last year. Madam Pomfrey was highly impressed and had asked her to go ahead and replenish her stocks with the potions she had learnt over the summer. She was proud of herself, and she just wished her mum was there to see it.
Her mum was a pediatric nurse. She was everything Lily had looked up to when she was younger. Originally, in her first few years at Hogwarts she wanted to be a Potions master, but then she watched her mum get sicker and sicker, and her mind was made.
She wanted to heal. She was magical, a witch, she could heal in more ways than muggles could even fathom.
She had fervently asked around, when her mum first got sick, about how she could heal her mum in the magical sense. It was only when Madam Pince had found her cooped up in the library, books towering around her, that she realised she was being blind to what the truth was.
She had asked Madam Pomfrey first. "Can I heal my mum with magic?"
Madam Pomfrey heard the desperation in Lily's fifteen year old voice and whispered "no".
Lily refused to believe her.
She had asked Professor McGonagall, asked Professor Slughorn, she even came close to running up to Professor Dumbledore's office and demanding he help her.
But everyone reluctantly said no, with immense pity in their eyes.
Lily was stubborn though. So she riffled through thousands of books, until Madam Pince found her slumped over her last possible hope, crying.
There was no way a witch or wizard could heal a muggle disease.
Cancer was not prevalent in the wizarding world. It was a muggle anomaly. It wasn't possible.
Many wizards had tried to cure cancer, but the main consensus was that magic did not respond to something it couldn't understand.
That night, Lily ran back to her dorm room, yelled and cursed at her friends, and spent the next few weeks crying herself to sleep.
When Lily finally watched her mother slip away into a never ending sleep, something inside of Lily snapped. Devastatingly, she has passed away over the Christmas holidays, forever tainting the once cheerful holiday with a gloomy sadness. A month later, Lily turned sixteen, her first birthday without a five page letter from her mother blubbering about how proud she was of her sweet Lily.
Lily spent the rest of the school year in a state of not being entirely here nor there. Walking to class alone, completing homework in silence, not attending Quidditch matches, going to bed with no hope of some proper sleep.
She had started her healing training shortly after her mothers death. Now, over a year and a half later, she peered down at the familiar dark purple liquid fizzing in her cauldron and cried.
She didn't know why she was crying. She had felt much better for months, almost healing herself in the way she let go over the summer, trying to find herself again. Her father had also taken the loss of her mother badly, but he had his brother to keep him company and on track. Lily's own sister wanted nothing to do with her, so she felt the loss harder.
Shortly after her mothers death, Lily's older sister Petunia, married her college boyfriend, Vernon Dursley. Her mother wasn't entirely thrilled about the match, and thus was not bothered at the fact that her eldest daughter scheduled the wedding so close to when they all knew was the inevitable end of her mothers life. Lily was furious, her dad wanted nothing to do with the drama, and her mum was too sick to complain. Thus, the retracted invitation to her only sister's wedding and eventually the estrangement.
Lily hadn't seen her sister since.
Her family in shambles, her mother gone, Lily fell into such a dark depression that her friends at Hogwarts tiptoed around. So when Lily went home for the summer, she made her life mission to forget about the deep loss of her mother and sister, and instead focused on being a teenager.
Lily thought she was happy.
But her crying over a perfectly brewed replenishment potion, disproved that.
She quickly wiped away her tears and carried on stirring her potion, sniffing and hiccupping as she tried to control her feelings.
She hadn't cried in a long time. Maybe this was just her body's way of saying she needed to relax. She had been non-stop since she arrived back at Hogwarts, with her NEWTS, head girl responsibilities and her healer training, she hadn't had much time to relax.
Once she finished the batch of replenishment potions, she bottled them up and slid them carefully into her healers bag, one she got from her friends last Christmas.
Mary and Marlene had never hated Lily for acting out the way she did in her fifth and sixth year. They knew what was going on, they just never knew how to help Lily. Lily was a caring person, but when someone needed to care for her, it was fairly impossible.
She hadn't seen the two girls as much as she would have liked since being back in school. Having her own dorms, meant that she couldn't bump into them the way she used to on her way back from the library after studying for hours. She sat next to them in classes, even studied next to them in the library but the socialising was minimal and as Lily cleaned her workbench she made the decision to give them a quick visit.
She hadn't realised how late it was until she climbed through the portrait of the Gryffindor common room. No one was up. The place was empty.
She quickly thought about just running up the stairs and jumping into one of their beds but after looking at her watch, she quickly deduced that that would probably end up with a cuff to the head and a whiney Marlene.
So she spun on her heel and wandered back to her own common room.
What she didn't expect to find was a very much awake James Potter, sprawled lazily on the large couch.
He was throwing a golden snitch up into the air, humming softly when she walked in.
"Oh"
Her shock was met by a scrambling James, struggling to sit up and say hello at the same time.
"What are you still doing up?" She asked, placing her healer bag on top of the coffee table and walking over to the small tea cart they had in one corner.
As she manually made herself a cup of tea, James watched her quietly, the only sounds were the clinking of the silver spoon she was twirling in her cup.
"Waiting for you" he said simply.
Lily frowned.
"Why?"
"Its nearly one in the morning, Evans"
"Right" her eyes were lazily focusing on the swirling caramel colour of her milky tea, they were still quite sore from her random outburst of tears and she was really keen on just wrapping herself in her duvet and sipping on her tea before hopefully falling into a deep sleep.
"Are you alright, Evans?"
She looked up at this, she didn't usually hear James say that phrase in such a concerning tone.
He looked tired, a slight dark shadow under his eyes, his hair more ruffled than usual. He was standing up now, looking at Lily like he actually cared.
She narrowed her eyes.
"I'm fine, Potter. I'm going to bed."
James blinked but showed no sign of frustration at her outburst.
"Somethings different about you," he murmured.
This made Lily freeze. It was the way he said 'different', like it was a bad thing that tasted sour on his tongue.
"You know what Potter? Some people grow up. Maybe you should try that sometime." she spat out.
Her eyes were tired and sore, her back was aching from leaning over a cauldron for hours and it was one in the morning. She didn't want to start an argument with James right now.
"Evans."
She had started towards her room but the way he said her surname made her flinch.
"What?" She almost shouted, spinning on her heel to face him properly.
He was angry, his face flushed, his hands clenched.
"All I've ever wanted is to be your friend, you know that right?"
She tried to reply but found her voice suddenly missing.
"Maybe not just your friend but at the very least, I've wanted to be your friend. I'm - I'm just looking out for you."
His voice sounded so soft and real that she felt her whole body slump with exhaustion. It was like just the sound of his voice saying such a thing was almost making her relax.
Quickly her thoughts turned frantic.
She didn't want the sound of his voice to have such a reaction on her body, she didn't want to see James Potter that way. She was quickly reminded of the moment in the bathroom just weeks ago, the warmth of his skin, the shape of his arms. So she did what she did best, she ignored it.
"Goodnight, Potter."
She winced as he stepped back and before she could watch the myriad of emotions flicker across his face, she turned once again and stalked back to her bedroom.
Remus was in a very good mood.
He had taken his free Saturday morning to visit James in the head's common room, and was currently sipping on a perfect cup of tea, wrapped up in a thick blanket, squished right up next to Sirius Black.
Perfect.
He hummed as he sipped his tea, savouring the milky taste as it slid down his throat.
"If you keep making those noises, I'm going to say fuck it and devour you right here and right now" Sirius whispered hotly into his ear.
Remus felt his cheeks grow hot, but smirked nevertheless. He loved having this effect on Sirius.
James was currently kneeled down on the floor next to the coffee table, his tall frame bent over the wooden surface as he scratched and doodled the new plays for tomorrow's Quidditch game.
Peter, ever the right hand man, umming and ahhing in the right places as James rattled off ideas and Sirius chiming in every now and again when he heard something he actually cared about.
James was if anything, a loyal and great Quidditch Captain. He dedicated most of his free time to practice and making up new plays. It was the first game of the year, and his frantic energy had burrowed itself down into the subject of Quidditch. For the last week, it was all the Marauders heard about.
Remus was very aware that James had not said a word about Lily for the last week, and being Lily's close friend, he was also very aware of Lily's absence of the subject James Potter as well. Something had happened, and it seemed like Remus was the only one to notice.
"Where's Lily?" He interrupted.
James flicked his eyes quickly towards Remus, but quickly focused them back on the parchment in front of him.
"Dunno" he murmured.
Before Remus could ask another question about the Head Girl's absence, James grunted aggressively and balled up the scribbled parchment before throwing it in the fire.
"Dude, what was that about?" Sirius asked, an amused look on his face.
"Wrote down the wrong name" James muttered angrily.
Remus glanced at Sirius and found him cocking his eyebrows at Remus in question.
Remus mouthed "Lily" and was met with Sirius rolling his eyes and slumping inelegantly against him.
He was glad that Sirius and himself had moved past the awkward, avoidance stage of their relationship. What they had, wasn't technically a relationship, seeing as no one knew about them, not even James and Peter.
It wasn't that Remus was ashamed of his sexuality, far be it, the boys have seen him kiss a few boys just the summer before. It was more that Remus didn't want to upset the dynamic of the Marauders. Sirius thought the same, and thus they decided to keep it under wraps.
Remus found it almost exciting anyway.
As James scribbled furiously at the parchment, allowing Peter to rattle off the play in which they were discussing, Sirius had draped his arm along the backside of the couch and behind Remus. His long fingers were now stroking the back of Remus' shoulder in a way that made him shiver and tense.
"If only we had access to such a private room" Sirius purred into his ear.
Remus looked to his side and found Sirius taking in the room around him.
"Our own rooms.." Sirius added, his classic smirk now appearing on his face.
Before Remus could respond, James pushed himself off the floor with a loud grunt and declared himself "brilliant".
"So modest our Prongs" Sirius declares, moving his arm from behind Remus and slapping his palms against his thighs.
"Right, who's up for some delicious chocolate covered madeleines? I asked Heely to make some"
"Madeleines?" James asks, a highly amused grin on his face.
"Pads, sometimes you are too French and too posh" Remus mutters, making James laugh heartily and causing Sirius to scoff and cross his arms.
Lily had been having an excruciatingly busy week. Assignments, homework, head responsibilities, working on her potions for Madam Pomfrey, she was completely run down and out of juice.
She hadn't been avoiding James on purpose but she wouldn't say she was put down by not having seen him for more than 2 minutes for a whole week. Or, that's what she was trying to tell herself.
It was a Friday night, Mary and Marlene were trying to finish their homework before the weekend and had asked her to join but she knew she wouldn't be able to keep her eyes open for much longer. Instead she flung herself onto the large couch in front of the blazing fire, the temperature just right in the small Head's common room. Resting her head on the velvet cushion, she closed her eyes and sighed deeply.
"Alright, Evans?"
And then she groaned.
"Not in the mood, Potter"
She listened to his footsteps draw closer, then a shuffle and a clunk of what sounded like books on a table.
"Want a cuppa?"
This made her open her eyes. She sought him out and found him hovering near the tea cart, his wand flicking to heat the water in two mugs.
"Uh, yes please" she said cautiously.
"One sugar with milk right?"
"Um yes, how did you know that?" she almost whispered, in a state of what she thought as tired shock.
"I know a lot of things," he smirked back.
She rolled her eyes at this and tried to keep a smile from accidentally playing on her lips. She watched him twirl his wand as he stirred the milk and sugar in, taking note that he himself took two sugars with milk. Her tired eyes focused lazily on the magical way he was making their tea and before she knew it, he was carrying over her tea in her favourite mug, a classic Gryffindor lion proudly roaring on one side.
"Thanks" she mumbled, trying hard to not look him in the eye.
This was the nicest and most mundane thing he had ever done for her and she wasn't quite sure how to react.
"How's the coursework for Healer training going?" he asked, as he carefully seated himself in the armchair opposite. His eyes looked down at her, warm and calm. The complete opposite of what he was like when she watched him with his friends. It was unnerving but comforting all at the same time and it made Lily's heart race.
"Good, thanks," she replied.
She sipped on her tea, and inwardly sighed to find it completely perfect.
"Oh wait I forgot" James interrupted, his hands now moving to his robes that he had flung over the side of his armchair. This was the James she frequently saw, always moving, always frantic.
She watched him pull out a bag of what looked like biscuits from his pocket.
"They're chocolate covered madeleines! You should try them!" he preened excitedly, leaning over the coffee table to pass the bag to Lily.
His hazel eyes were sparkling with excitement, but Lily could tell he was nervous by the way his foot was tapping against the rug.
She cocked one eyebrow suspiciously.
"They are truly just biscuits Evans, No funny business, I solemnly swear" His grin was wide and made his eyes crinkle in a handsome and charming way.
"Madeleines?"
"Yeah, Sirius asked Heely to make them. I knew you liked biscuits so I got her to put some in a bag for you" Lily had to stop herself from smiling at the blush that was now evidently making its way up James neck.
"Heely?"
"An elf that works in the kitchen. She has a soft spot for Sirius because he always asks for her"
"Right" is all she can say. She plucks the bag from James hand, careful not to touch his fingers.
The biscuits are shell shaped and half dipped in milk chocolate. The buttery cookie melts in her mouth and the chocolate adds just the amount of sweetness she likes. She can't help but moan in surprise as her taste buds explode.
James coughs and interrupts her taste test. Instantly she realises the sound she just made was probably not entirely innocent. Her embarrassment floods her face as she watches James cross his legs and shift uncomfortably in his chair, his cheeks pink and his hand running through his hair.
"They're really good," Lily mumbles amongst her chewing.
She knows this isn't ladylike or very attractive but she's embarrassed at her indulgence and can't help but feel a little smug about making James uncomfortable.
James laughs light-heartedly and continues to sip on his tea, his eyes staring at the stack of books she left on the coffee table.
"Thank Heely and I guess Sirius, I had no idea what they were. But he's French and a snob so he knows all the fancy biscuits"
"Sirius is French?"
James ruffles his hair again and twitches in his seat.
Lily realises this is probably the longest conversation they've had that doesn't involve Head Student duties.
"Yeah, his ancestors are. He even speaks it fluently."
Lily notices the odd sense of pride in his tone and feels a bit flustered by the way he outwardly expresses his emotions.
"Fluent in French? Just add one more thing to the list that makes Sirius desirable" she jokes.
This makes James instantly go tense. She can see from the way he grips his mug that she's said something wrong.
"I mean, I don't think he's desirable, just that others do. I mean he's obviously good looking, but like not my type" she rambles.
She watches James' fingers stretch across his mug in response, a little like he's relieving the tension she had made him feel. She notices how big his hand is in this moment, large enough to grip the whole mug with no trouble. This time it's Lily who crosses her legs.
James doesn't miss it.
His mouth twitches upward and she watches as the confident Potter persona takes over.
"What is your type then, Evans?"
She should have seen this coming. She thinks about just scoffing and taking her tea to her bedroom but she can't be bothered to move and she's desperate for some social interaction that isn't gossiping about who's not talking to who amongst the Hogwarts cohorts this week.
"Not Sirius Black" She says pointedly. She picks another biscuit out of the bag and dips it in her tea.
"I thought he was everyone's type" James cocks one eyebrow.
"Your type Potter? Had no idea you were into men also? I always thought you were more like brothers" Lily teases back.
"No not into men unfortunately, although I think Mooney would be more up my alley" he grins.
"Yeah Remus is quite dishy" she grins into her mug.
"So Remus is your type?"
"God no, I just agree that he's handsome. I seem to go for the confident, erratic ones. Probably not wise but…" she shrugs.
"Erratic? Like your summer?"
Lily looks up at this and finds Potter looking a little more reserved than before.
"Yeah. But it's not like I looked for something meaningful or long-term. Maybe erratic isn't my type but it seems to be an occurrence"
"What happened to that Chris bloke?"
This surprised Lily, she had no idea James knew about Chris. He didn't go to Hogwarts, he was a muggle and it wasn't like they ever met.
"We broke up at the start of summer. He told me he wanted a girlfriend that was more 'present' like he didn't know i went to a boarding school" she scoffed.
"Sounds like a complete idiot"
"He was"
She took another sip of her tea, finding it empty and surprising feeling a little disappointed.
"Right, I'm off to bed. Night Potter, thanks for the tea" She awkwardly sets her mug down and picks herself off the couch. She tries to give him a small smile but catches herself when she finds him looking at her legs.
A shivering heat travels through her body at the gaze and she almost gulps audibly at the shock she feels on her body's response to his heated look.
"You know what Evans?"
She finds his hazel eyes locked on hers.
"What?" she shakily answers.
"I've been trying hard not to talk to you"
She narrows her eyes at this, thoroughly confused.
"Why? Because of that argument we had last week?" It's all she can think of.
"I told myself to give up on being your friend, that you would never talk to me in a civil or even friendly manner. But I dunno, I saw you sitting there, looking bloody exhausted-"
"Thanks" she interrupts, mockingly.
He gives a soft smile and it makes her heart leap.
"- and I thought she looks like she really needs a cup of tea and a biscuit"
She laughs.
"Right, well Thanks Potter. I suppose that's just exactly what I needed. A tea and biccy" She smiles but turns her gaze to her feet.
"Anytime Evans" He mutters.