Chapter 4:
Phoebe's third night in her new dorm was completed. The three girls had bonded really fast. Yesterday, Rachel suddenly called her Pheebs. Phoebe didn't really know what to do with it, but she liked its sound so she just went by it. She had also met the boys. Joey was the one she felt most comfortable with. Chandler and Ross were also pretty cool, but they are both too serious for her. Although, Chandler does make an awful lot of jokes, where, by the way, only Monica really laughs at.
Every Wednesday afternoon, Monica studied in the library. She had Culinary Technicalities in the morning. This was the lesson she studied the most for because it was a lot of memorizing. She was glad she was able to cook a lot though. Her notes were perfectly structured. This was probably why it took her so much more time to study than the average student. "Hey, can I join you?" Chandler stood next to her with his books in his hands.
"Sure!" Monica said while gesturing to the empty chair beside her. Chandler got in the chair and put his books on the long desk in front of him. "So what are you studying?" He asked.
"Culinary Technicalities", she showed her notes so he could see what she meant.
"Wow! How can you write so beautiful and have such organized notes!" Monica smiled and blushed slightly. She was quite proud of her notes. "I mean, look at mine", Chandler pulled one of the papers out of his pile of books and showed it to her. It was a crumpled paper with a couple of loose sentences and really bad handwriting. She scrunched her nose. "Hey, I can't help they talk that fast in class! Besides, I still have my books, so I can always look it up if I don't understand something."
Monica shook her head and returned to her notes. She was almost done with her work. She had an hour of work left at the most. Seeing how fast Chandler was going through his notes, she didn't think he would be here much longer either. They sat in a comfortable silence studying. Chandler glanced beside him. She was concentrated and she had the point of her tongue out in the right corner of her mouth. He found it quite adorable. He was studying her face and stopped when she locked eyes with him. He realized he had been staring at her. "What?" she asked.
"No, uhm, it's nothing. Uhm, I have some cookies from the cafeteria. Would you like some?" He started to take a few napkins and the cookies out of his backpack. He lay one of the cookies on a napkin for her, oblivious to her silence and her staring at him, and looked up at her while trying to hand it to her. "Here is your cookie", he said unsure, now fully aware of her strange look.
"No thanks, I'm good", she said quickly. Just then, her stomach started to make noise. He grinned at her and shove the napkin a bit closer to her over the table. "No, I-", she was trying to think of an excuse, "I don't want to make crumbs in the library. I don't even think you're supposed to eat here."
"Oh, don't worry. I got it covered. I made sure to have enough napkins and to take cookies that don't crumb much. Plus, we are seated in one of the last rows, so no one will notice."
Monica glanced around her, quickly trying to come up with a new excuse, but she couldn't find one. Chandler saw her behaving oddly and suddenly it clicked. She hadn't talked to him about it and he didn't want to upset her again, but now he saw she was still struggling with eating. "I'm sorry."
Monica looked at him confused. "What do you mean?"
"If you want any help or just want to talk to someone, I'm here", he said to her sincerely. Monica's eyes immediately shot down to her lap where her hands were fiddling. She felt a hand softly squeezing her shoulder. She squeezed her eyes shut to hold back anything that might look like tears. She had already lost control in front of him once, she wouldn't do it again. She was the strong person in the group. They were supposed to come to her with their problems and she would fix them. If she had any problems she would fix them herself. She heard a chair scraping on the floor, but didn't open her eyes. "Mon?" His voice was soft and concerned. She felt her eyes water again. God, why had this man such an effect on her? she thought. "Please talk to me", his pleading tone was too much for her. A single tear rolled down her cheek. Luckily, it was her left cheek. As far as she knew, he only saw her right cheek. She felt a finger softly wiping away the tear. Crap! She opened her eyes and looked in his. He was shocked by the pain and lostness in her eyes. They were in a darker blue than normal and the bottoms of her eyes were filled with tears she had yet to shed.
"Please", he tried one more time. He tried to softly encourage her without pushing her to say anything.
"I can't." It was so silent he almost missed it. He felt a strange pain in his chest. It was like his muscles around his heart were clenching together. Her tone almost broke him into tears, but he knew he had to be the stronger one this time.
"Look, I can't begin to imagine what you went through this past year and I'm not going to say that I understand because I don't understand this pain your feeling. I just want to help you share your pain so you won't get crushed. Can we please go to a silent place where we can just sit together? You don't have to say anything if you don't want to, but let me be there for you. Please…"
Her lower lip was starting to tremble. He saw her fighting internally against her tears. "I'm sorry", she looked back at her notes and grabbed her pen. Her fingers were clenching around it. She just couldn't have another breakdown. Chandler looked at her a moment longer but resumed his work while letting out a quiet, worried sigh. They studied in silence and half an hour later, Monica stood up, starting to gather her stuff. Chandler's eyes landed on her, but she didn't look at him. She straightened up and her head was high. He knew she was just pretending to be okay, but to not upset her further, he just went with it. "I'll see you at dinner", she said as she started to walk past him to go to the exit of the library. His eyes followed her and when she was out of sight, he was just staring at the exit. He knew he wouldn't be able to concentrate now so he just gathered his own things and went to his dorm.
At dinner, everyone was talking with each other. Phoebe had just finished her cleaning shift and she had some free time so she joined them at the table. She sat between Monica and Chandler, oblivious to the tension between them. Chandler had to admit, Monica was amazing at hiding everything she felt. His eyes fell on her plate. It had a few pieces of carrot and some broccoli on it. There was a little piece of chicken on it too. It wasn't much, but he was glad she was still eating.
After dinner, they went to their own dorm and decided to call it an early night. When it was one o'clock, Monica was still awake. She couldn't sleep. She kept thinking about what Chandler said. She knew she needed help or at least someone to talk to. He was the only one who had noticed she was struggling with food. Although she hadn't known him for that long, she felt safe when she was with him. She turned around in her bed a couple more times, but eventually gave in. She stood up quietly and tiptoed to her basket with keys. Luckily they had exchanged keys a couple of days ago. This way she didn't need to wake up Ross and Joey too. She put on her robe and her slippers and went outside. She quietly opened the door to the guy's dorm when she unlocked it and went inside. She saw Joey on her left. Behind Joey, Ross was sleeping. On the other side of the dorm, she saw Chandler. She went slowly to his bed, careful not to wake the others. He was sleeping so peacefully. She studied him a couple of seconds before she started to shake his shoulder a little.
"Mhh…", Chandler made a small noise with his lips still closed and slowly opened his eyes. "Monica? What are you doing here?" He asked whispering.
"Can I talk to you?" She asked hopefully yet vulnerably. His eyes opened to full size at her words and his lips started to curve in a soft, small smile. "Yes, of course. I know a quiet place we can go to so we won't wake up anyone."
He stood up and Monica chuckled when she saw his pj's. "What?" He asked. "Oh, nothing. It's just, you look kinda cute in those pj's", she whispered trying to suppress another chuckle. He gave her his lopsided grin while shaking his head and stepped in his slippers. He gestured for her to follow him and they went outside. When he stopped she saw there was a small corner with a few chairs and a couch. There was a small bookcase against the wall. He sat on the couch and after some contemplating she joined him. She sat right next to him and he turned a little so he would be able to see her better. "What did you want to talk about?" She looked up at him. His tone was soft and caring. She knew he knew what she wanted to talk about, but she answered: "I want your help." He noticed her voice broke a little and he saw this was hard for her. He nodded and stayed silent to encourage her to go on. "I had it all under control. I lost a lot of weight in very little time and I was really happy. I had a dream number for the scale from the beginning and I always said I wanted to get to that number. Right now, I'm under it. I always thought it would get easier once I got to that number, but it isn't. I just want to be able to eat normally again and to be able to love eating. I mean, I'm a chef who hates to eat." She frustratedly shook her head and she looked at her lap. Chandler placed a hand on her shoulder and she immediately fell in his side. He pulled her close and neither of them said anything for a while. She felt safe in his arms. She listened to his heartbeat and she felt his chest rise and fall with his breathing.
"It's not gonna be easy, but we'll get through this together. I'll help you to fall in love with food again", he broke the silence, "I'm not gonna force you to eat anything, I promise, but, if you let me, I'll try to encourage you to eat every day a little more."
She turned her head to look above her. "Thank you", she whispered. Chandler pulled her a little closer and Monica shut her eyes. He listened to her breathing and noticed it was evening out. She was falling asleep. "Mon? Monica?" he whispered. She slowly sat up again. "I think I better go back to my dorm." She stood up and had to grab the bookcase to steady herself. "I'll accompany you to your dorm", Chandler said. He got up and when she draped an arm around his waist he put an arm over her shoulders. She lay her head on his shoulder and they walked back to her dorm. When they were at her door they untangled and she went to grab her doorknob. She changed her mind and turned around instead, facing him. She looked at him for a few seconds and then hugged him tightly. He hugged her back and heard her whisper "I'm sorry for waking you up at this ungodly hour."
"It's okay. Whether it's three in the morning or four in the afternoon, I don't care. You can always talk to me and I'll always make time for you", he said softly. She squeezed him even tighter. "You know you can always talk to me too, right?" He nodded with his cheek on top of her head. After a few more moments, they broke apart and Monica started to turn the doorknob around. She went inside and whispered "Good night" to him and when said "I'll see you in the morning" he turned around and went back to his dorm.
Monica stepped inside and when she went into her bed, she turned to look at Rachel and Phoebe to see if they were still asleep. She made a little jump when she saw Phoebe staring at her. "Who was that?"
"Uhm, just uhm, just someone from the dorm across ours", she tried to cover quickly. She was afraid that if she said the truth she might ask what they were talking about. "I went to the bathroom and when I was walking back to our dorm she crossed me to go too." Phoebe seemed satisfied with the answer and went back to sleep. Monica let out an inaudible sigh and closed her eyes. She felt like there was a huge burden lifted off her. She was glad she had talked to him about all of this.