In the next two weeks Legosi didn't get the chance to talk to Louis. It seemed that the deer was avoiding him. Every time they were in the same room there were at least two other people with them, and if there was the slight risk of those people leaving, Louis was always the first to do it.
That conversation, that he had already run over and over in his mind, ready to unleash, was starting to get stagnant. His rage and his need of spilling his guts was starting to waver as the days went by. He wasn't easy for him to hold a grudge, he had to waste a lot of energy to do it. Forgiving and forget was his second nature.
Especially with the admiration he still had for Louis, no matter what he said to him. It wasn't the best moment to get lost in thoughts, but he still indulged in that.
He was standing on the platforms above the stage, maneuvering the light and following the deer. All his interpretations were almost sacred for the other students, and this one wasn't different.
Louis was playing the reaper in Alder again. It was the last play of the season and everything should have been as great as the other two performances.
Even with a mask on, the deer's movements and his voice expressed alone the perfection of his act. It was astonishing to watch: he was the only performer with his face covered and still the others looked like wax statues compared to him.
Since he entered high school, that had been the only point he had enjoyed the main actor's performances.
From up above.
He could notice all those particulars that gave away that Louis was acting. There weren't many: The stage, the actors waiting behind the curtains, his radio ringing...
If he focused on Louis, he was facing a death spirit falling in love with a mortal, not an high school show.
He was sure it would have been different from the stalls, he had wished to see it countless times, but he was working in every play.
That being said, Louis's work was breath taking even from that position.
He didn't know if it was a lost of focus for being too fixated on Louis, his hypnotic figure and movements on the stage, or if he unconsciously did it, but for a second his attention slipped losing the main actor.
It was a minor thing, probably no one in the audience had notice it, and he had serious doubts that some drama club members had the attention and the eye to spot that kind of mistake, but Louis must had perceived it.
A certain eagerness flourished in his chest.
That was the perfect thing for finding himself discussing with him again. Louis couldn't skip the chance for the crew to get better, so he was sure he would have to explain himself. Thinking again about the speech he wanted to do, and coming up with some excuses to get rid of the light mistake quickly, he focused on his job as good as he could until curtains were closed and a wave of applauses echoed from the stalls.
The whole month had seemed to go against Louis. He wasn't in control of his body and mind anymore. His curiosity of understanding the wolf had evolved in something much more complicated, and every time he had met Legosi, an indescribable sensation crawled from his toe to his head, difficult for him to act normally.
His decision to avoid him hadn't been easy. Even a look or the passing scent of the wolf would set him off.
The last play was a success for the audience, but he knew better.
He knew his interpretation wasn't as good as the others, that the actor team had made a lot of undetectable errors that put together had made the whole play a pile of shit.
The final applause only proved to him that the whole school, and not only the people he worked with, didn't have the experience or the dedication he had for the matter.
And the wolf has wavered the light! Right at the climax of the play, at the acme, the light shivered for a brief moment! It was unacceptable.
But even after all the mistakes, and all the rage and stress mounting on his head, Louis just didn't have the strength to let it all out.
To hide his anger in sophisticated words, trying to edify and correct.
It was becoming pointless.
Just another task added to his list. And he had already a lot to do. It was easier to accept the loving emotion of the public and let it go.
He joined the drama club in the backstage, his shoulder slump and his expression dry. A quick gaze among the group and he found Legosi. He looked back at him, as he was waiting for a signal, a gesture.
The wolf understood his mistake, and that was more than enough for him. The main problem right now was to calm the boiling feeling that got him every time he looked at the canine.
He changed in his normal clothes and took the back door, avoiding his fans and the school press, which he didn't have the strength to face. The cast would celebrate this night, maybe they would drink something or else. Maybe Legosi would join them. He couldn't do that right now. He needed to decompress.
The temperature was getting lower each passing day. The sky had been gray for almost the whole month. Wrapping in his long coat, trying to get as warm as he could, Louis headed to the station to catch the train to downtown.
It had become a routine.
The trip in the emptiest wagon, the walk to the plain building, checking in for the same canine guy.
Axel, that was his name. An artistic one, most likely. He learned it after the fifth night together.
He would welcome Louis with a fake smile and sweet words, they would strip and would get right into it. There was no tenderness: the white wolf would lay on his belly, Louis would wear the condom and start fucking. It was always fast and ruthless, he couldn't picture properly Legosi's back on that smaller body, even if he tried so hard every time.
After he had shot his load, he would lay on the bed and smoke a cigarette, avoiding any other physical contact as the other tried to slip some caring words in the conversation.
There was some actual concern in that questioning, but he never opened up to him.
Tossed the cigarette and dressed again, he would pass trough the lobby for a second time the same night, walk to the station and taking the train in the opposite direction he had taken it earlier.
Avoiding the main halls he arrived to his room.
Those nights the bed would always be incredibly cold. He would lay down on his side and almost hug his knees to his chest, trying to warm himself. Only after an hour or so sleep would came.
Legosi was puzzled from Louis's behavior: a mistake as the one he had made, caused by distraction, would usually be reprimanded by the deer. Instead, this time, he had just swiftly looked at him and left the backstage, almost as soon as the curtain closed.
As a matter of fact, he had barely seen the deer for the whole week. Every time they were in the same room, Louis wouldn't even spare him a glance, and it seemed like he didn't even walk trough school anymore. That night on stage was the longer he had seen him on the same spot. For some reason that gave him a lingering sense of sadness.
He helped to bring the equipment back to the drama club, exchanging some comments about the play. No one else had noticed his mistake.
It was a secret he and Louis shared.
After his work was done, he started heading to his room. He didn't feel like celebrating at all.
A faint trace of perfume made him stop for a moment.
It was Louis's.
He followed it as best as he could as it mixed with all the others smells of the school and then dissipated completely outside the school gates, overwhelmed by the city's presence.
He knew those weren't his business, so he started walking back to his dorm. Still, the idea of Louis alone in the street almost pushed him to go out looking for him. More than facing him, he wanted to help him.
He arrived to room 701 and was immediately greeted by his friends, congratulating him for the show. Jack was the only one who would come to all the plays, while the rest of the guys just went to the premiere.
"It was as good as the first one! And you did great!"
He knew how sincere his best friend's compliments were, so he treasured them, but he wasn't really satisfied with his performance.
"It was fine... but I lost concentration at the most important point and I didn't follow Louis as I should have."
"Yikes! I didn't notice that. Did he scold you for that?"
"He didn't... He didn't spoke at all: we looked at each other, he left. I'm sure he noticed, but he hasn't been acting like himself lately..."
"Not that I complain."
To lift the heaviness of the conversation was necessary, so he closed his sentence on that sarcastic note. Wasting the mood in the room, which was a cheerful as usual and that he treasured like only a handful of things in his life, wasn't something he was willing to do.
Collot seemed to notice his attempt as he shouted to Miguno who was lying in his bed, reading.
"Yo, Legosi has been awfully interested in that deer lately, Bro. You are corrupting him to join your team, right? You won't be happy until the whole room is gay."
The hyena just smiled as he flipped a page.
"Yep. That's exactly how we work. Maybe one of you it's already homo, who knows..."
There was an awkvard silence for a moment before Collot's laugh interrupted it and the hyena took the chance to indulge in another joke.
"Soon I will have a new apprentice. One far younger and more powerful!"
The Star Wars's citation, let out in a raspy voice from Miguno, made the whole room laugh. It was pretty late, and after some chit-chat the boys moved to sleep.
Legosi rolled in his bed, unsure of what to do. Confront Louis, even after days from their discussion, or try to get closer to him. He drifted to sleep without having an answer.
As soon as he opened his eyes the idea of having to face another long day dawned on Louis. The faint light passing trough the window indicated that it was a cloudy day, and that didn't help his mood.
He was looking for the motivation to get out of bed. Today would have been monotonous. As any other day. He couldn't even really discern the week from the weekend anymore. All seemed to mash in a long, gray circle and trying to avoid it seemed futile as staring at the ceiling.
But even with that he got out of bed and got ready.
Study, drama club or else, he couldn't let a day go to waste.
He got up, washed and got dressed lazily. Only when he was more than decent he would head to the cafeteria. Food was necessry, hungry or not. Putting his mind over the matter was the best thing he could do.
Detached as he was from his surroundings, he only noticed his name being called when a large hand reached his shoulder.
He moved his head only to see Legosi facing him with a concerned expression. His heart started racing faster and faster as his body got hot. He clenched his fist as he watched him with despise.
"What do you want for me?"
"I-I'm sorry to bother you Louis Senpai, I wanted to tell you that we have to discuss Adler's costume today, Dom said the belt sent some reflections to the audience, so-"
He didn't let him finish the sentence. He wanted to end the conversation and put as much distance as he could from the wolf.
"I'm busy. Take care of it without me. You'll at least be able to do that."
He started walking, hearing the wolf's steps behind him. He moved faster but it didn't help. Those long legs could keep up easily.
"A-and I also I want to take the chance to apologize for my mistake of yesterday, It was unforgivable of me."
That over excusing of an anxious person made him close his eyes and grind his teeth.
"A-are you ok? Y-you had been acting strange lately, I'm worr-"
That was enough. He stopped walking, breathed in and, without turning to Legosi, spoke with the coldest tone he had.
"Listen. I don't need your empathy. Reserve your pathetic coping mechanism for someone else. I'm sure you'll find plenty of people who will be able to exploit your weak puppy attitude. But I don't care enough to do it."
He started walking again.
The wolf wasn't following anymore.
Being thankful of that he moved to the entrance. He felt his blood rushing through his body, spreading the mix of rage, excitement and stress all around.
Lashing out had been satisfying.
That incomprehensible boy deserved every harsh word, and still he had the doubt of being much more shook by the encounter than him.
His plans for a normal day were shattered. He couldn't deal with anything without his palliative. He practically run out of the school, his only thought heading down town. It didn't matter that it was under the daylight. It was the only way to get his shit together at the moment. He stopped a taxi and hopped inside. It was a dangerous breaking of his safety procedure, but it didn't matter. His body was extremely hot, and the conversation he just had was rumbling in his mind. Why would that fucking wolf show concern to him? Had he really looked so weak? Questions, doubts and fear crowded his mind. As soon as the taxi stopped, he paid without waiting for the change and ran inside the familiar building to the reception. He pushed forward, gazing at the gorilla sitting in it.
"Good morning, sir. I never saw you at this time of the day."
"I need to see Axel."
"I'm sorry, sir. It's his day off."
That information weighted on him, adding to the chaos in his mind. His problem required a swift solution.
"Then another canine."
"We only have a female fox, sir. She's free right now, or there's a male leopard who would-"
Louis didn't hear the end of the sentence. He turned his heels and stormed out, almost hyperventilating. A strong blow of wind made him shiver violently. In the rush he almost forgot how cold it was outside. The sun had been covered from a dark wisp of clouds. He could only hope it didn't rain. Tears were rushing to his eyes. He didn't know if of anger, sadness or anything else, but held them anyway walking back to school, trying to get a hold of himself.
Legosi was waiting. Walking back and fort at the entrance of the school, he waited for the buck to come back.If he had been inclined to listen and help him earlier, at the moment clenching his fists and trying to subside the rumble that was rising in his throat was the only thing he could think about.
Louis had been gratuitously malevolent.
It crawled under his skin and made his fur stick out how much his words stung. With his resolution to give him his piece of mind, he waited. He needed to prove his point. To show him how he really was. He may have been gentle, but he wasn't weak. And Louis needed to know it.
It would have been the first time for him to face someone out of rage. Nothing had ever been so personal, so intimate to require an outburst.
A thunder spread above him. Clouds had gotten darker and a copious rain felt from the sky, the petrichor starting to cover everything when he noticed the peculiar deer's perfume.
Legosi looked at the gate as Louis came into view. He was walking slowly with his eyes on the ground, wearing the same clothes of the last time he saw him, water stains appearing on his clothes and fur and shivers shaking his body. It was complicated to maintain his composure in front of that image: he resisted to the impulse of running to him and give him his jacket, but he couldn't prevent that the first words to leave his mouth to be of concern.
"What happened? It's freezing, you could get sick if-"
Louis didn't answer and didn't raise his face from the ground. Instead he shoved him with his shoulder and moved to the main door.
Legosi followed him, his last bit of patience gone.
"Is it really such a complicated question?"
"Just shut your trap and leave me alone, you moron."
Legosi stepped forward and grabbed his forearm, stopping him.
"What the fuck is your problem?"
The deer turned to him with an acid smile.
"Oh! So you can get angry! Then I was right about your facade."
The sarcasm in his tone of voice made hard for him to keep in check the rumble in his troath.
"You don't know anything about me, stop assuming things!"
"Why? Am I wrong? You are enjoying this, aren't you? It's how I told you: being a misfit it's shit and you are proving my point. You are composed only because it's easier."
He stepped closer to the deer, keeping eye contact. He couldn't help to raise the volume of his voice.
"You are dead wrong. I take the decision to be kind in every situation I face. And I'm happy of it."
Their tones had been raising as sentences were exchanged. Composure started to matter less and less. Louis was still using a sarcastic tone, pushing all the worst buttons.
"You take the easy road. You would be left alone if you acted like the person you are."
"You keep taking my motivations for granted! As you know shit about my life! STEP OFF YOUR FUCKING PEDESTAL! PUT YOURSELF IN SOMEONE ELSE'S SHOES!"
The deer expression shifted from sour to furious as he got even closer to him, matching his tone of voice.
"I DON'T NEED TO DO SHIT TO UNDERSTAND YOU! YOU ARE A JOKE! THE ONLY REASON ANYONE HAS A VAGUE IDEA OF WHO YOU ARE IS BECAUSE YOU ARE ANOMALOUS! BECAUSE YOU ARE DIFFERENT! WITHOUT THE CONTRAST BETWEEN YOUR MINDSET AND YOUR BODY, YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A WALLPAPER IN THIS SCHOOL!"
In the back of his mind Legosi thanked that it was lunchtime, so nobody could see them screaming at each other. It was getting almost impossible to keep a rational discourse when what he wanted most was only hurt the deer in the way he was being hurt.
"I PREFER TO BE A MISFIT AND A JOKE INSTEAD OF BEING AN ASSHOLE! I PREFER TO BEAR PEOPLE LIKE YOU, THAN USING YOUR METHODS! WE SHOULD TREAT EACH OTHER KINDLY!"
A bitter snort escape from Louis before he answered.
"THAT'S YOUR FUCKING EXCUSE! YOU ARE JUST A SHAKY PUP, YOU JUSTIFY YOUR LACK OF SPINE WITH AN IDEAL! YOU ARE A COWARD!"
Legosi sprinted forward, almost pinning Louis to the wall as he pointed his finger at him, almost treating him with his fang.
"YOU ARE BROKEN, LOUIS! I DON'T KNOW WHY AND HOW, BUT I DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE, YOU ARE BEYOND HELPING! JUST ENJOY YOUR SAD AND LONELY LIFE!"
As he screamed, he was sure Louis would throw a punch at him: the deer was looking down again, taking short and raged breaths. He got ready for the hit as soon as the deer longed forward to him. His built would be helpful, at least in that occasion. But the impact never came.
Instead, he felt a hand grabbing his tie, being pulled forward and a pair of lips crushing with his.
It took him some second to realize that Louis was kissing him. It felt almost surreal, all the feelings that clouded his mind the lasts weeks converging in a dark mist.
He moved his hands on the other's chest and pushed, breaking the contact.
Legosi saw clearly Louis opening his eyes and realizing what had just happened.
Those hazelnut eyes filled with desperation as the deer stepped back, almost leaning on the wall behind him. He had never seen fear in those eyes, but for a long moment he couldn't find anything else in there. Just terror and doubt.
For an handful of seconds, the deer looked as a normal 19-year-old boy would in that situation.
But quickly the fear changed in rage, and he pushed forward, grabbing Legosi neck and pressing him on the column behind him.
Either the deer was stronger than he imagined or he was too shocked to react, anyway he couldn't move a muscle as he the hand on his neck tightened.
"Now you listen to me, and you listen carefully. You don't talk to anyone about this. You don't even think about it. You forget it. If the idea that you talked to someone only cross my mind, your life will be hell. You'll be out of the drama club, out of this school and for all your life you'll question yourself why the fuck you opened your maw as you look for filthy waste in the trash. Do you understand?"
The amount of hate in those words couldn't even be compared to the one that were let out before. He could only nod, and after he did, Louis pushed him again on the column one more time before letting go of him.
After one last, icy look, the deer sprinted to the door.
"Louis..."
The sound of his voice was covered from the rain hammering behind him. He sat on the ground, his heart tight in his chest and questions multiplying and crowding his mind.