[[Summary: Amanda, after much hesitation, finally opens her heart to a friend.

Notes: There are not any Rolivia encounters in this chapter but I promise that all the next ones will have some!
Thank you so much for reading this! It really motivates me to continue writing it when I see people interested in this! So I really appreciate you all!
(Contains mentions of rape)]]

Amanda should have expected that kind of case to fall into their hands eventually. Unfortunately cases of sexual assault in a working environment weren't uncommon. If anything Amanda had personal experience on the subject and since she hadn't spoken in detail to anyone about it, whenever she came across a similar case back in Atlanta, she couldn't help the memories and the loneliness that threatened to suffocate her; not to mention that there was no way of avoiding the nightmares during her sleep. Transferring to New York was supposed to help, until she came across a similar case again.

It was times like these that made her palms itch for a deck of cards or some poker chips. Gambling had been the only sense of control she had until she completely lost it when it became an addiction, but she had made a promise to her Captain and she would fight tooth and nail to keep it and not disappoint him.

When she lifted her head towards his office, her eyes flickered towards Olivia involuntarily. After their talk a few weeks ago, things had started to look up between them. No one could call them friends but at least, Olivia had stopped snapping at her. She still avoided calling her by name but Amanda was not complaining. One thing that bothered her quite a bit was the fact that the brunette was occupying her mind for the most part of the day. She kept stealing glances at her when she wasn't looking, or even thought about her when she was in the safety of her own home. It was hard to control herself and it was driving her insane.

"Hey." Amanda jumped startled by Nick's voice. If he noticed that she was staring at Liv, he certainly didn't show it. "You okay?"

Amanda opened her mouth ready to lie and assure him that everything was alright but something stopped her. Maybe it was the care in his eyes or his friendly smile but for once Amanda caught herself answering truthfully.

"Honestly, no."

"Because of the case?" he asked curiously.

"Among other things." She shrugged with finality giving him a hint that the subject was closed. Despite his friendly tone, Amanda wasn't ready to discuss it further; especially not in front of their entire squad.

He nodded accepting her discomfort. "Wanna go grab a drink?" He offered with a smile.

Once more her eyes flickered towards Olivia who didn't seem aware of the conversation or the pair of ocean eyes looking at her. If only Olivia had the balls to be the one to ask her that. "Ehm yeah. Sure." she nodded and got up with a speck of disappointment caused by the brunette's complete oblivion. "It would do me some good to leave early for once." She chuckled, grabbing her jacket.

Olivia lifted her head from the paperwork once Nick and Amanda bid everyone goodnight. In fact her eyes stayed glued on the younger blonde until she was out of sight. The knot in her stomach tightened harder when she noticed Amanda slip her arm around Nick's but she tried to ignore it completely. It was none of her business after all.

Only a few seconds later, she stood up and grabbed her jacket a bit too forcefully. "I am going home. If anything comes up let me know. Okay?" she directed her statement to Munch but before he had the chance to answer the brunette had disappeared.

"What's up with her lately?" Munch asked his ex partner.

Fin turned his eyes from the screen, shrugging. "Hell if I know. And from experience, I've learned not to ask."

"I won't argue with that."

Nick placed a bottle of beer in front of Amanda with one of his charming smiles. "Tough case huh?"

Amanda rolled her eyes at him. "If I knew that you would talk about our case, I wouldn't have come." The last thing she needed was someone to remind her of the case and what it reminded her of while she was trying hard to forget about it.

"Amanda, hear me out, okay?" He raised his hands hoping that she wouldn't bolt or get mad at him. The blonde dreaded what was gonna come out of his mouth. She wasn't all that great at sharing or talking about her feelings and Nick's intention scared her quite a bit. "I don't know what you've been through in the past but I've noticed how some cases affect you."

"Nick-" Amanda tried to interrupt him but he was having none of it.

"Just give me a minute here. Don't interrupt." Amanda sighed defeated but waved for him to go on.

"This job…. It isn't easy. We both know that. Also this job makes you feel alone at times but you can't let it get to you."

Nick, why are you telling me all this? I was in SVU in Atlanta. It's nothing… new for me."

"I don't know how caring your old squad was, Amanda, but I want to make sure you are okay. So if you need someone to talk to about anything, I am here. The new guys must look out for one another, right?" he smiled, punching her shoulder softly. He was really trying and Amanda appreciated it. No one else had shown her that he cared as much. Sure Fin was protective of her a lot, especially after she told him about her gambling problem but he made sure that she would come to him if she ever wanted to talk. But the thing about Amanda Rollins was that she didn't bother the people around her with her problems, she didn't want to be a burden. She could break down and spill everything if someone pressured her but no one had dared to do that. Fin always respected her boundaries and so far he was her only friend. Apparently, Nick was about to break the boundaries and Amanda couldn't decide if that was a good or a bad thing.

"I suppose you are right." She chuckled, scratching the label off the bottle nervously. "It's been a few months. You still think they see us as the new guys?" Amanda asked trying to change the subject before she reached her breaking point and told Nick everything.

"Not on purpose, no. But at times, I do feel like they are babysitting us." He confessed with a shrug.

"I won't argue with that." She smiled sadly. Nick nodded but didn't speak. The silence seemed to stretch uncomfortably and maybe that was the way Nick used to push her to talk. He kept looking at her, making her fidget uncomfortably on her seat.

"Come on, Rollins. Talk to me." He sighed, taking a sip from his beer. "I can see that something is bothering you. Whatever it is, it will not change the way I look at you and I promise that I won't tell a soul."

After a few seconds of silence with Amanda contemplating and glaring at the scratched label on her bottle, she chanced a glance at him. He seemed genuine but the question was, could she trust him? It might feel good to talk to someone. Oh what the hell… She finally lowered her eyes back to the bottle focusing on the remaining liquid in it. "I had a similar… experience when I was in Atlanta." She muttered, biting her lip in an attempt to keep her tears from falling.

"You mean you were… raped… at work?" Nick lowered his voice. He moved to touch her hand but at the last minute he decided against it. Amanda seemed ready to talk and Nick didn't want to stop her.

"Not at work. It was someone from work."

"Amanda-" Nick tried to interrupt. She didn't know why but she could guess. His next words wouldn't be something Amanda didn't recognize. Hell she probably had said the same thing to other victims. "Don't, Nick. I know." She shook her head. "You said I could talk to you as a friend. That's what I need now. My friend, Nick. Not Detective Amaro."

"You got it."

"Good." With another deep breath, Amanda gathered her strength and recounted her experience. With every word that came out of her mouth, the disgust in her stomach was making her sick. The flashbacks, the memories… It was torture reliving it but she tried to keep going. Backing out wasn't an option now, she had taken a huge step, one that would help her overcome her trauma hopefully. Her heart was beating so hard, it was deafening to her ears. In the end, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop the tears. Thankfully, no one was paying them any attention. Most of them were too drunk to even notice.

"The moment I stepped in that room, I felt overwhelmed by the smells, his repulsive gaze and his arrogant smirk." An involuntary shudder shook her to the core. "He was so drunk and so much older than me." She paused for a mere second and Nick found the opportunity to share some of his own thoughts.

"He was a sick bastard and a he." He interrupted knowingly. At Amanda's questioning gaze, Nick smiled and continued. "You are gay, Manda. I know." He concluded, offering a supporting smile." Don't look at me like that. I notice things."

"What things?"

"For example the lingering gaze you direct at Liv when you think no one is watching." Poor Amanda was looking like a deer caught in the headlights. "Hey hey! Your secrets are safe with me. Remember? I am your friend. Friends don't betray their friends' trust." He assured her watching how her laboring breath was starting to calm down at his admission.

"Thank you, Nick." She nodded visibly shaken.

"Don't mention it." Nick managed to relax and hide his anger, but one thing was for certain. If he ever laid eyes on that man, he would break his face with his own bare hands.

"Nick!" Amanda raised her voice to catch his attention.

"Sorry, I spaced out. What did you say?"

"Is it okay if we leave? I think I've shared enough for one night." She pointed out with a sad smile.

"Oh yeah. Of course. I'll take you home. Come on." Nick, ever the gentleman, helped Amanda put on her jacket. He slipped in his own, grabbed his keys and phone and guided her outside with a hand carefully positioned against her back for support.

"So you have a crush on Liv, huh?" Nick, unable to stop, asked her with a teasing smirk which earned him a glare from Amanda. "Don't bite my head off. I was just coming to a conclusion." When Amanda didn't respond, Nick took it as a sign that it was okay to continue. "For what's it worth, I don't think it's one-sided."

"Nick, kindly shut up." Amanda murmured before getting in the car. She knew it was one-sided but Olivia was being way too stubborn in convincing her otherwise and there was nothing Amanda could do about it; besides completely disregarding her own feelings that was.

Nick did as he was asked and drove Amanda to her apartment straight away. The blonde detective felt so weak. Nick was the only person that knew about her troubled past. She hadn't shared any details with her old Captain when she asked for the transfer but he had granted her request because he was a friend. Fin and her current Captain knew about her gambling problem. Nick was the only one who knew about the rape and for the time being that was enough. She could count on their support and at least that lifted some weight off her shoulders.

And finally, there was Olivia. During a previous case and after Olivia had told a young woman about her own experience of sexual assault, Amanda had shared with the brunette that she had been assaulted while they were walking down a corridor, but before Olivia had the chance to ask her questions about it, the blonde had brushed it off as if it was nothing, completely shutting down the conversation. They had never talked about it since.

Amanda slid her keys into the keyhole and pushed it open. She glanced at Nick and hesitated. She didn't want to overstep any boundaries but after her confession earlier she was worried that she might do something reckless if she was left alone.

"You okay?"

"Honestly? I don't know." Nick closed the door and waited patiently for Amanda to continue.

"After that horrible experience, I got addicted to gambling. I am going to meetings and Fin and the Captain know, but now that I relived all that…" she confessed softly leaning against the wall for support.

"You are afraid of falling back to old habits?" he offered knowingly and she simply nodded. "Want me to stay here? I'll be your emotional support if the need arise."

"What about Zara?"

"She is with her grandmother. She will be fine for one night. She is probably asleep anyway."

"If you are sure." Amanda stated but felt a bit relieved. She just didn't want to be alone.

Amanda brought out a pillow and a blanket when Nick refused to take her bed and leave her on the couch by convincing her that she needed her rest after the day she had.

As soon as he got comfortable, Amanda retreated to her bedroom for a hopefully quiet night free of nightmares. Hopefully being the key word.

"Rollins." He called after her. She poked her head out of the door and glanced at him. "If you need anything feel free to wake me up."

"Thanks, Nick. Goodnight." She smiled, for once not feeling all alone.

"Night, Rollins."

She quickly changed into a pair of fluffy white pajamas and slid under her covers. She glanced once at the clock wondering how long it would take her to fall asleep. It felt good to be able to talk to someone about her past. Nick seemed trustworthy, Amanda took a leap of faith with him and she was glad she didn't fall. After the incident she couldn't help the feelings of humiliation and isolation that weighed her down. She had been carrying them on her shoulders for months. It was nice to trust someone enough to let them assist with the carrying. At least now she didn't feel hopeless or helpless anymore.

And with that thought she slipped into a dreamless sleep, the quiet murmur of the TV lulling her.