Alt title: Meeting the imbecile-I mean in law!

Tayuya crashes into the living room couch. She had just come back from work and had the whole place to herself. Her dutiful boyfriend wasn't home yet but had promised to pick up some food from her favorite spot. She turns on the tv and game console, ready to wind down. She boots up a rhythm game, passing through menus to hit play. Tayuya lets the songs flow through her, hitting the beats in perfect sync, the music wrapping her in a pleasant bliss.

Yep, this was the life.

THUNK-THUNK--THUNK--THUNK!!*

She pauses her game and checks her phone's clock. Some time had passed, but It was still too early for it to be Naruto, and once you're off the list of people she lov-liked! Liked! You got the Tayuya special, or more like the Tayuya standard, it's not that special if the whole world deserves/gets it.

"If you're selling something, I don't fucking care. I don't give a shit if it's a cult pamphlet, vitamins, or cookies. If you keep knocking, it's gonna go straight up your ass!"

The knocks pause, and some mumbling follows before continuing. That's when Tayuya noticed something off about it. The knocks weren't to any beat or pattern. They were sporadic, almost like they were trying to irritate, but any prankster would've left by now. You can still get your chuckles off a flaming bag of dog shit without seeing the pranked stomp it in person. And prankster or not, any sane person should've bolted. Her soothing dulcet yells just had that kind of an effect on people.

Tayuya throws her controller down on the couch. She walks over to the front door, passing by the hall to the bedroom where her wooden bat was, something Naruto conceded letting her have for security.

She wasn't sure now what to expect. She may have been from the streets, but those streets were quite a few towns over, like a number so high she doubted her boyfriend was able to count to it. Besides, what robber/serial killer knocks on the front door? But this was her and Naruto's place, dammit. Something good she managed to grab ahold of in her shitty life. Something her history taught her not to get attached to, that she was scared of losing at any moment, no matter how many times she wrapped tight around him as they slept, to reassure herself that this was real and to silently beg him to never leave her.

Which was why it was perfectly sane and reasonable for her to grab one of her high boots and stretch with all her might to knock off the brass knuckles from atop the front door frame, something Naruto didn't need to know she had. A bat was all well and good, but you didn't always have the chance to wind up for a swing, and it was something that could be taken away and used against you, and one quick knuckled jab was just as good. She slips both of them on, the familiar weight from different days calming her. Keeping one hand in her pocket and the other on the doorknob, Tayuya throws the door open.

"What?!"

What she certainly didn't expect was some piss-drunk old guy wobbling at her front door.

"Huh? Kushina? What are you doing here? I thought this was Yahiko's place. I *Hic* thought he nabbed himself a real hellcat." The man manages to slur out. He leans over the doorway and looks around the house. "Geez, what did you do to the place? Hah, I told you-you gotta work on that house cleaning. Minato's not gonna wanna marry someone who can't-"

Satisfied that she had no idea who this guy was, and with some sense of mercy in her, Tayuya delivered a sharp kick to his stomach, folding him over. The drunk stumbles back and tries to catch his breath. He looks up at his attacker, only for his face to be in the perfect position to get smacked hard with the door. The slam reverberates and is followed quickly by the thump of the drunk hitting the floor.

"Fucking weirdo."

She goes back to her couch, absentmindedly taking off the knuckles and throwing them over her shoulder. The pair land onto the door frame perfectly; practice does wonders for that, after all.

Now, about the body at her door, Tayuya figured either the old guy would get the message and crawl off somewhere, or he was unconscious. If it were the second, she'd have Naruto throw him out with the trash when he got back.

She shakes her head. '"Oh, don't worry, babe, I'll get it before I leave." Pfft. Yeah, right.'

Her mood slightly soured. She didn't feel like sticking with her music. She backs out, going through menus of games before settling on a fighting game.

She goes on like that. Winning and losing the odd match, but in the back of her mind, she couldn't stop thinking about that old drunk. Something about him, her brain just wouldn't let go, like she had seen him before or something. Unable to completely disregard him, her brain defaulted to her standard second course of action, how she could exploit this to her advantage.

"Naruto-sama! Help~!"

"What the! Get away from my Tayuya!"

Naruto grabs the attacker and, in one fluid motion, hurls the man over his shoulder and crashing out their apartment's seventh story window. Tayuya runs up and clutches Naruto, ignoring the anguished scream and splat from outside. A spotlight from above highlights the two tender lovers.

"Oh, Naruto-sama! I was sooooo scared! You're my hero!!" She gazes into her beloved's eyes, her own sparkling and tearing up in heartfelt affection. "Please tell me. Whatever can I do to repay you?"

She snorts at the ridiculous thought. Although… She shakes her head, snapping herself back into her game.

The next match breezes by as she whoops her opponent handily. As her character's victory animation plays, her eyes glaze over and start to go to the shelf above the tv, over her old band trophies from a lifetime ago, a bunch of Naruto's lame super hero figures, and lastly, a collection of photos. She goes through them, a lot of which were ones Naruto forced her to pose with him in, to her "begrudging reluctance."

Tayuya smirks. 'Heh, can't blame a guy for recognizing how good he's got it.'

She then stops on the last photo at the very end, an adorable photo of a young Naruto on a boat. He had the widest smile as he showed the fish he caught to the camera. His father was in the shot too, arm around Naruto, laughing and-

"Oh, fuck that was his dad."

Naruto told her a lot about his dad, Jiraiya. How he was an accomplished writer, all these fun trips he would take them on, and just generally what a great guy he was. Apparently, neglecting to mention how much of a drunk crank he was.

She rushes over and gently opens the door. The guy was still there, all right. His back was rising up and down, so he was still alive at least.

Tayuya scratches the back of her head before sighing. She couldn't just leave Naruto's dad passed out at her front door, so she dragged his limp body inside.

She brings him up to the foot of the couch before changing her mind and bringing him closer to the coffee table instead. There was no way in hell she was gonna clean vomit off her couch.

'If Naruto asks, I'll tell him his dad came to visit, and we were shooting the shit. I had to take a piss real quick, and he was like that when I came back. I was too weak to move him and had to leave him on the floor. Yeah, that'll work.'

Tayuya walks to her bedroom. She thinks for a sec about just throwing the guy a towel before rooting around her closet and pulling out an old blanket to give him. See? She could be nice when she felt like it. She comes back to the living room.

'Guy was so wasted that booze will probably keep him out for hours, maybe even all night. He'll probably even forget how I hit him-'

"Agh jeez, my head."

Tayuya jerks with a start, dropping the old blanket and banging her leg into the coffee table, the one that still had all the dishes she told Naruto she would get to cleaning yesterday, the ones that were now tumbling down on her boyfriend's dad.

CRAAAAAAAASH*

"Ow."

"Uh, ah shit, ah fuck, Whatever you do, don't move, I'll-I'll get a broom!"

'Do we even have a broom?'

Tayuya runs to the kitchen sink cabinet. She knew they had some rubber gloves at least. She gets back and crouches by the geezer's side. She puts the gloves on, grabs the largest and most relatively intact bowl, and starts putting all the shattered remains in there, taking extra care when she gets to the ceramic and glass specs on his face.

"Okay, okay, I think that's all of them." Tayuya lays the bowl and gloves on the table and helps lift him up.

"Ugh. So, where am I?"

The guy hadn't been out long enough to sleep off the booze, so his voice still carried the lilt of alcohol.

"Uh, this is your son's house, sir. I-I'm Tayuya." She lays him down gently onto the couch and sits beside him, still worried shitless.

"Oh yeah, you're that girlfriend my son keeps gushing about." Jiraiya rubs the sleep from his eyes, knocking off the odd piece as he talks. Tayuya can only wince at each one she missed.

"You know, he never did me tell how you two met."

Terrified at the mess, she got herself in; her brain was scrambling. In her attempt to reboot, Tayuya's mind went on autopilot and defaulted to her standard first state.

Fucking with people.

"Uh, We-met-while-I-was-at-work!. H-He saw the way I worked that pole and got caught hook line and sinker. Your son is a… real… sucker…?"

'God fucking damn it!'

Her face sears in a red that almost matches her hair. She has botched this beyond repair.

'Oh god, this it. This is it. It's over now. He's gonna tell Naruto about today and how I'm no good for him, and Naruto's gonna break up with me, and I'm never gonna see him again, and I'll have to live with never seeing that stupid smile of his ever again, and I'll never find someone else who cares about me as much as he does or find someone as good and sweet as him-and-and-and-"

"Hah! That's my boy!"

Jiraiya reaches out to the table and grabs the only completely intact glass. The cup was filled with… something, and he downs it like he was still at the bar.

'Was that a smoothie? I don't remember ever getting a smoothie.'

She can only sit there stunned before catching her breath in relief. She'd pass whatever problems came from that drink as Jiraiya's abused liver teaching him a lesson. But that relief gets dashed when she remembers the bowl of shattered dishes right next to that drink. She grabs it before Jiraiya can and sprints to the kitchen, throwing it away along with the gloves before things could get worse. After disposing of them, she hangs over the trash can, huffing and sweating from stress.

'Calm down, Tayuya. You caught that bullet, alright! And he took that joke really well! You're not done yet. You. Got. This.'

"Uh, Uzumaki-san! Can I interest you in some snacks?" She calls out to him.

"Hah-hah," He waves her off. "Oh, please, Uzumaki-san is my son, call my Jiraiya. Besides, I just got back from catching up with Tsunade. I couldn't eat another bite."

Tayuya side-eyes the nearby empty cupboards, thankful that she didn't have to offer Jiraiya some measly instant ramen. …Listen! She and Naruto were going grocery shopping tomorrow, okay! Lay off!

She slowly and stiffly walks back to the living room. Jiraiya was still chuckling to himself. That was another good sign, right?

"God, Kushina, you really know how to crack a guy up."

"Um, it's Tayuya."

"I can see why Minato loves you so much."

'Minato?'

Back when Naruto first brought up meeting his friends, he took out an old photo album and showed it off to her. Many pictures even had cute little details about the people in them, complete in messy handwriting from a younger Naruto; she was quick to point out, which was when he hastily closed it in embarrassment, which was also how Tayuya dodged accepting his idea the first time.

But in all the photos she saw, there was never anyone who could have passed for Naruto's brother.

'Minato's got to be someone from the old days. Maybe some old college friend? God, how fucking drunk is this guy?'

Tayuya didn't exactly have a lot of experience with dads, but she didn't think showing up to their son's houses and cockblocking them was real fatherly behavior. Then again, he hadn't protested when she first mentioned his son. She sighed. Her best guess was that he was mixing up forty years ago with right now, but that was as much brainpower Tayuya was willing to spend figuring Jiraiya out. She knew better than to try to find the thread of logic in a drunk's ramblings.

"Y'know Kush-Kush-Kushuya?"

"Yeah, sure, that's my name."

Jiraiya nods, satisfied with himself. "N-Narato was always a great kid, always full of energy. But he would get into fights and was bullied a lot when he was younger. I was worried how that'd affect him. But now he's got all these friends and even a girlfriend! *Hic*"

'Is he… crying?'

"I'm just-so glad he's doing alright. I'm so proud he's settled down and got with someone as nice as you."

Tayuya was so on tilt from Jiraiya's ramblings that she wasn't able to notice or dodge the incoming hug. Well, sort of hug. Jiraiya was too out of it to be able to actually hug someone. It was more like he rested his chin on her shoulder and draped a limp arm over the other. She cautiously patted his back.

"Uh, there there?"

Now the real waterworks were going, Tayuya cringes as she feels her shoulder get wet with what she was hoping were just tears.

'Maybe he'd cry himself out and pass out? Come on, for fuck's sake.'

Krrick-swivel*

Tayuya turns when she hears the front door open. Unfortunately, her position was the only thing keeping Jiraiya upright, so in her quick motion, he slips off.

"Hey, babe! Sorry, they were out of your-"

Naruto looks back up from the takeout bag. Just in time to catch his dad fall over flat and land on the living room table.

Tayuya, meanwhile, was looking at Naruto the whole time, unwilling to acknowledge the sound. She stares blankly at her boyfriend's stunned face.

"Hey, Naruto."

...

"He already ate, so you don't gotta share our food with him."

But the table can't handle Jiraiya's dead weight for long and collapses. Jiraiya crashes down with the table and onto the floor.

Tayuya turns slightly and glances down at Jiraiya's crumpled, and hopefully still alive, form before looking back to Naruto. She points at the body.

"He was like this when I found him."