Crowley awoke to the soft sound of footsteps going back and forth, servants doing their chores, he supposed. He was not sure what to do, in the shelter he would have had to quickly get ready in the bathroom and then go down to breakfast with his omega companions.
But this was not the shelter.
He lay still on the bed, staring at the ceiling. When he tried to remember what he had done when he was with his past alphas, it was fuzzy. As if he could only remember the worst and the rest did not exist.
He could remember blows, insults, the beds, orders, shouting, he remembered his emotions, fear, anger, indignation, shame ... but if he tried to remember the rest of the coexistence, it was as if it slipped through his fingers. Only jumbled images came to his mind, combining one alpha with other, swapping voices, it was as if his mind had taken different pieces and sewn them together to form a very terrifying quilt. Like creating a monster, his angel told him once about a story of a monster created with different human parts, perhaps his mind worked the same way.
He could remember the first time he left the shelter, though. Crowley was about eighteen, maybe nineteen. He was happy, he was excited, looking around with wonder, almost jumping with joy as he was held by the hand of an alpha and waved his hand goodbye to the shelter supervisors and omegas, totally sure that he would never see them again.
How stupid he was.
His eyes narrowed at the shadow of the tree dancing on the roof. He let out a shaky breath. Angry with himself about ever being so optimistic.
His first alpha wasn't exactly handsome, he had rough features, a hard look, and hardly spoke. But Crowley didn't care, the beauty was on the inside, they used to say. He was so sure that he would take him to a nice house, he would treat him with affection, Crowley would learn to love him, they would be happy.
It only took two weeks for him to realize that he guessed wrong, terribly wrong. Crowley did not want to submit, he was young and stupid, but he was not submissive, the alpha soon realized that he did not want so much trouble and left him in the shelter without even a goodbye. Not without taking Crowley to bed a couple of times, of course.
He felt a knot in his throat, his first time having sex was a turmoil of emotions, it was painful in more ways than one. He cried, he shout, he tried to like it.
He shook his head, forcing himself to think of something else, he looked at the window. In the hypothetical case where he had to escape from there, the tree by the window seemed the most obvious choice...
Someone knocked on the door, putting all of Crowley's senses on alert, he clung to the sheets protectively.
Nobody entered.
Again he heard a knock on the door, more insistent.
Crowley stayed where he was, never taking his eyes off the door.
"Excuse me" said a female voice on the other side of the door "Breakfast is ready. Sir is waiting for you to join him"
He couldn't suppress the chill that ran down his spine. Fine, then, he could do that, he could sit and eat at the same table as the alpha, that was easy enough. It would not be a problem.
He sat on the bed, slowly, taking the time to stretch his legs and arms, trying to release tension, he could do this, it was just breakfast, he couldn't screw up something like that.
"Ahem ... Your answer?"
Crowley turned his head in surprise, he thought the girl would be gone by now, was he supposed to have a voice in such a decision? "Uh, yeah? I-I'll be there in a minute."
"Of course" Crowley could almost imagine the girl bowing slightly, then listened her footsteps walking away.
This time, Crowley gave himself a little more time to appreciate the bath, it was nice the idea of having a bath all to yourself, without anyone rushing you.
Of course, at that moment he was somewhat rushed, Gabriel was waiting for him.
He put on the clothes that he thought made him look less skinny -which, to be honest, didn't make any big difference, all the clothes that Gabriel gave him, made him look skinny-, he washed his face and was done. He would have time to appreciate the bathtub later.
Once with his clothes on, he spent several minutes just pacing around the room, trying to mentally prepare himself, even though it wasn't working. The more he tried to do it, the more he became frustrated at not succeeding.
Idiot. You are wasting your time.
He took a deep breath and left his room.
Descend the stairs without the urgency of an excruciating hunger or the feeling of being caught was considerably more difficult than it should have be. He took a firm grip on the handrailing and started down, one step after another.
Focus. You will get out of here. You will not have to submit to anyone, you will save Aziraphale. You will not be afraid anymore.
He kept repeating that in his mind until he finished with the last step.
He felt ridiculous at the feeling of triumph. Big deal, you went down some stairs by yourself, bravo.
He hated feeling like a cowardly child, he bit his lip and looked around him. He noticed that even the railing was elegant and pretty, curving in such a way that mimicked flowers.
It didn't take him too long to realize he was just getting distracted, he sighed, since when had breakfast gotten so complicated?
He crossed the hallway, this time it was not difficult for him to find the dining room, but he was intimidated once he got there. Gabriel was there, talking copiously to Madame Tracy and other of the servants. He liked to talk it seemed, a lot.
"Ah, you're finally here. Don't just stand there, the food has been served for a while" Gabriel spoke to him from his seat "I've finished mine, actually" he added without any trace of anger.
"Yes, sorry" he said before rushing to sit down with his head down.
Madame Tracy frowned at him "Dear, are those clothes yours?"
"Don't call me that" he answered in a low voice, waiting for Gabriel to explain about the clothes.
"His things were left in Sandalphon's carriage" Gabriel said distractedly as he flipped through some papers on the table.
"Oh" Tracy didn't say more.
Crowley looked curiously at the food. Oatmeal, bread and jam, cooked beans, and eggs. It was already so much better than anything the shelter had served him, and yet he didn't feel exactly hungry.
He carefully raised a fork and began to eat.
"Do you want coffee or tea?" One of the maids offered.
" 'M fine"
"Milk?" she tried again.
"Just water"
Gabriel seemed to be drinking coffee, his attention divided between a notebook and some papers.
"Tracy told me that Sandalphon left her these documents" Gabriel started, pointing to the papers and Crowley knew they were his papers "I assume they belong to the shelter?"
Crowley nodded.
"Huh ... And, are they correct?"
How was he supposed to answer that? No, what the hell did Gabriel mean by "correct"?
"I do not know?"
Gabriel rolled his eyes and patted the papers "Shelter's directors always lie, honey"
Crowley had no idea about that, but it was hardly surprising "I don't know if they're true, they never let me read them, alpha"
"Oh" Gabriel frowned, considering "Let's see, here says you're twenty-eight?"
He frowned, it's not like they celebrate their birthdays "Maybe thirty-two."
Gabriel clapped his hands "I told you so!" he said almost with childish emotion "And it means we are the same age, huh?" he smiled at him "It doesn't say your birthday though"
"I do not know"
The alpha gawked "Pardon? What do you mean?"
Crowley snorted "I don't know, why don't you go, find my mother and ask her?" he snapped with a bite of bread midway through. Almost immediately shrunk into his seat and avoided the alpha's gaze. "A-apologies, I didn't mean that way"
Gabriel seemed to completely ignore the apologies or even the disrespect "No problem then, it means you can pick any day to be your birthday, yes? Pick one, now that we're at it!"
Crowley frowned, this couldn't be happening. He looked around, did he mishear? He wiggled his fingers nervously "Why ... do you care?" he questioned him incredulously.
The alpha smirked confidently "I try to remember the birthdays of everyone who lives here" and tapped his little notebook "Isn't that right, Tracy?"
"Yes sir" the old woman nodded, smiling.
The omega looked at him with even more disbelief "Why?"
"Why not?" He shrugged.
There were a few minutes of awkward silence, Crowley tried to avoid the alpha's gaze, or at least wait for him to change the subject, but he seemed insistent on this.
"Whatever ... November? Sixteen? Doesn't really matter alpha" he looked down.
"Gabriel" rectified "And noted" he smiled as he opened his notebook and jotted down something.
Crowley glanced at the old woman and the other pair of servants present, trying to figure out if they were as shocked as he was, but they acted as if everything was perfectly normal.
"Well let's continue" Gabriel spoke again "It says here ... Bonding Mark, none. Pregnancies, none. Healthy" the alpha hummed and glanced at Crowley, as if doubting that, but said nothing "Previous alphas ... "Gabriel narrowed his eyes and fell silent.
Crowley could feel the weight of shame fall on him again, now that the alpha knew how many alphas he had been with, he would feel disgust, hate. He struggled to keep his breathing controlled.
The alpha raised his coffee cup to his lips and took a couple of sips and continued reading, now in silence, his face contorting more and more with apparent disdain.
"Look at this, 'Aggressive, erratic, distracted behavior' and ... and did you really break someone's nose?" he said, now looking rather gleeful.
He had no choice but to nod.
Gabriel let out a laugh "Amazing, maybe Sandalphon wants you to break my nose" he said, amused.
"He broke my rib in return" Crowley explained grimly and Gabriel stopped laughing "Was the last one" he added.
"Oh" he cleared his throat "It seems that they thought that wasn't important enough to register" he frowned "Are you healed yet?"
"Yeah"
Gabriel looked at him suspiciously, but nodded and continued flipping through the pages.
"Execution: Poor? What the hell does that mean" he said after a moment and Crowley just wanted to get out of there.
Madame Tracy leaned over delicately to whisper something in the alpha's ear, Gabriel, if possible, frowned even more.
"Oh. Sweet God, I'm done" his upper lip curled up angrily "this is ridiculous" he put the papers aside "We're going to ignore everything in these papers, yes?"
"As you wish, alpha"
Gabriel rolled his eyes and sighed.
Once again a heavy silence fell over them, Gabriel didn't seem to know what to say and Crowley didn't want to speak, didn't even want to continue there. But he still hadn't finished eating, he wondered what would happen if he said he didn't want more.
For the moment, it seemed safe to assume that Gabriel didn't seem to retaliate physically, did he? He licked his lips, couldn't allow himself to feel safe, much less with the alpha.
Someone entered the room, walking briskly, another servant, Crowley assumed. Beta, dark skinned and more far more confident than a servant used to be.
"The newspaper,sir!" he said energetically.
"About time, Erick, why did you take so long?" Gabriel grunted as he took the newspaper in his hands
The servant smirked. "You should check the society section, sir. They mention you a couple of times" he suggested.
Gabriel raised an eyebrow "Me?" and immediately he went through the pages to check if that was true. Madame Tracy and the three servants leaned a little closer, curious.
"Ah, that gossiping son of a bitch" Gabriel rolled his eyes, annoyed "He can't keep his mouth shut, it seems" he raised his eyes and looked at Crowley then back to the newspaper "I mean, not even twenty-four hours have passed and already told the whole damn aristocracy about you? The great Sandalphon chose an omega for me, what an honor!"
"He likes the attention," Tracy replied, half amused and half serious.
"He's delusional thinking he's better than me"
The servants seemed unable to help a chuckle. Gabriel shot them an annoyed look, which was enough to silence them, snorted, and resolved to read another section of the newspaper.
Crowley didn't know what to think, of course Gabriel wouldn't want all of London to assume that he shared his bed with a low-class omega with no family, but he didn't feel it affected him that much, he wasn't even sure if his name it was in the article.
He looked uncomfortably to each side and shifted in his chair. He wasn't sure what to do, he felt uncomfortable being alone, but he also felt uncomfortable around strangers, there was no in-between.
He was silent for another moment, waiting for any instructions from the alpha or the servants, for that matter, but each kept to his own. He tapped his fingers on the table and looked at his half-eaten plate, he wasn't hungry.
"Can I leave?" he asked quietly.
Gabriel looked up from the newspaper to look at the omega curiously.
"Oh, but you haven't finished your breakfast!" Madame Tracy objected.
Gabriel waved a hand vaguely "Leave it, Tracy" and looked at Crowley "Yeah, of course" and went back to reading, pretty interested in the horse racings, apparently.
Crowley nodded vigorously and stood up. The way back to the bedroom was much easier, perhaps because he knew that nothing awaited him in the bedroom, nothing unexpected.
Once closing the door behind him, he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. That was much better than expected, removing the part were Gabriel started to read his documents, of course.
He hummed to himself, the documents didn't even have his age right, he wondered if it had been something out of convenience or simple carelessness.
He frowned as he approached the window, if it was for convenience, they wouldn't have added the warning of his alleged aggressive behavior ... Or the number of his alphas.
Crowley was sure he was not aggressive, let alone erratic.
He looked at his hands, right? Maybe just a bit absent.
He looked around and wondered what he should do. Maybe he could try to sleep, take a long nap like he used to do in the shelter, maybe he would dream of Aziraphale again...
Or maybe not.
He heard the neighing of some horses, Gabriel was leaving again, it seemed.
Crowley took his time exploring his room, he tried not to rush it, he had plenty of time. He opened several drawers, while the room was generally dust-free, the drawers and wardrobe looked like they hadn't been used very long ago.
He found a candlestick, to his surprise it was quite heavy, he made a mental note to leave it at hand, he could use it to defend himself if the occasion arose.
In the desk drawers there were papers and notebook with very yellow pages due to the pass of time. He found some sewing tools, too, but there was nothing to write with, maybe he could ask for something later...
He found a small jewelry box in a corner of the wardrobe, it had some rings and a pocket watch, he smiled to himself. If he managed to make a plan to leave, he could take the jewelry box and sell it, no one would miss it. He closed it and put it again where he found it.
Once the bedroom had been sufficiently explored, he decided to explore the bathroom. The best part was the four claw tub, of course, he was even eager to bathe in it. Besides that, the bathroom was quite empty. There was nothing in the cabinet but just a few cobwebs.
The day dragged on slowly, when he finished exploring, he just started over once more, just to be sure that not even a little detail had been missed. He couldn't keep still, if he did he would start to think, and if he thought he would start to worry and if he worry, well, it was better to keep fear to a minimum.
Madame Tracy came in and knocked on the door a couple of times, asking if he wanted anything, on almost every occasion he refused, he didn't wanted anything. Except on the third time, that he asked for hot water for a bath.
Several minutes later a servant girl arrived with a jug of steaming water.
Taking a warm bath in the tub had been the most relaxing thing he had been able to do in years, he thoughtfully kept in the water until it became too cold and left it reluctantly.
Then another servant came, telling him that it was time for lunch. This time Crowley explained that he preferred to eat in his room.
An hour later the plate of food was still intact, forgotten on the desk.
Crowley moved the only chair in the room to one side of the window and stood there, just staring at the outside world. He would have to overcome his fear if he wanted to leave that place. And he would have to create a good plan, he was far from the city.
And he, too, had to come up with a way to find out where Aziraphale was.
And he had no idea how or where to start.
At some point in the afternoon Gabriel had come back, and Crowley knew it because he was standing in the doorway. Apparently, he had knocked and Crowley did not respond, or rather, he did not notice, Crowley had let his mind wander far, far away from there. Almost like being in a dream. Every sound dulled, he wasn't even sure what he had been thinking just a seconds ago.
As soon as he noticed Gabriel, he rushed to his feet, not knowing what to do with his hands, he wasn't even sure how much time he had spent standing there, looking at him. Unconsciously, Crowley cast a brief glance at the candlestick he had found, it wasn't too out of his reach, if he was quick...
The alpha cleared his throat and took a step "You haven't been out of here all day, have you?"
Crowley wasn't sure if that was good or bad in Gabriel's eyes. It seemed logical to think that the alpha would prefer that Crowley would not wander around the house touching things that he should not.
"I haven't," he replied, his gaze on the ground.
Gabriel took another couple of steps and looked around the room. His eyes quickly fell on the food that Crowley had evidently not touched. "Hmm"
There was silence, Crowley did not dare to move from his place or look up.
He heard the alpha let out a sigh "Look ..." a hesitant pause "I don't know how to say this ... but, you don't seem to be comfortable in the least here"
Well, that was obvious, Crowley couldn't deny that without being branded a liar. He dared to meet Gabriel's gaze, trying to inquire what he meant.
"I don't want -... I don't know if, maybe you want to go back to your shelter? I mean-" he took another step, with a wary look, studying him.
Crowley gasped, his eyes widening, despair immediately filling them. He moved his lips, trying to say no, but no words formed. He blinked away a few tears and began to shake his head.
If you go back it will be your grave.
"NOT" He managed to shout before Gabriel could say anything more "N! Please, no! Alpha, I'm sorry,no! Sorry, sorry, I'll be better!" Crowley approached him and fell to his knees "Sorry, I'll be a good omega, I'll be a good omega! Please, give me another chance!"
Gabriel recoiled at the omega's visceral reaction, too surprised to react immediately.
"C-Calm down" he tried, unsure whether he would touch him or if that would only make it worse.
"Please, I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back" Crowley repeated, until everything that came out of his mouth was incomprehensible.
"Alright,alright, I'm not going to-"
Crowley was shaking, raising his voice, pleading, and nothing Gabriel said seemed to help, he finally began to stammer out apologies.
"Hey" Gabriel tried to get him to get up, to no avail. He looked around. "There's no need to-"
If you go back.
"Enough, don't apologize"
It will be your grave.
"Hey,hey, that's enough"
Do not come back. Do not come back. Do not come back.
"Crowley"
You will die.
"ENOUGH" Gabriel's voice echoed in the room.
Crowley went still, trying to control his shaking, he curled in on himself, trying to be smaller, bracing himself for a retaliation.
But there weren't any, instead he heard the alpha sigh, warily "I didn't mean to-".
Silence. Crowley couldn't stop shaking.
Gabriel crouched down, keeping his eyes level with the omega "Hey"
Crowley backed away, refusing to look at him "I don't want ... to go back."
The alpha nodded confidently "You won't. But I needed to ask"
Crowley offered no response, struggling to calm himself.
Gabriel frowned "I needed to know your opinion, it's not that I don't want you here" he continued, he seemed to have trouble dealing with the situation as well.
He held out his hand and Crowley squeezed his eyes shut, but he only felt him give him a few, soft pats on the shoulder, so soft, as if Crowley could break with the slightest of the touches
"You'll be fine, pal" and, although Crowley didn't allow himself to ask for it, or even admit it to himself, he felt like wanting more of those pats.
Gabriel got to his feet and left, but Crowley stayed right where he was, gasping for air, he needed time, he needed much more time. He needed...
Just a couple of minutes later the alpha was back with some bags. His bags, which he left in the corner. He had gone to get his bags...
"These are, right? Nothing's missing?"
Crowley nodded slowly.
"Well, we were lucky, I think he was about to throw them away" and he smiled. Then he walked to the desk and took the plate of food and looked at Crowley "I hope you have more of an appetite at dinner, Tracy makes good dinners" and he left, leaving Crowley only with his thoughts.
Crowley had dinner in his room, this time, he did eat everything that was served, he didn't exactly enjoyed it, but he felt good, at least. As soon as a servant took the plates away, he immediately put on his old pijamas, the ones that actually fitted him, and went to sleep.
Several hours later he woke up panting, covered in sweat, in a panic, as he used to do most nights, but at least tonight he wouldn't have to worry about having to forage for food in the dark.
It took him a while to get back to sleep, once he managed to recover from his nightmare, he couldn't help but think about what had happened in the day.
Not that many things had happened in the day, but at least much more than the monotonous shelter. He couldn't help wondering what the conversation between Gabriel and the other alpha, Sandalphon, would have been like.
From what he had seen, Gabriel didn't exactly get along with Sandalphon very well.
Maybe they fighted.
Or maybe that's just how friendships were between alphas. A passive aggressiveness, insults behind the back and gifting omegas as a token of appreciation.
The next day was pretty much the same, except that Crowley preferred to have breakfast alone in his room. He was getting good at being alone again. He had a choice, didn't he?
If he wanted it that way, he could stay all day within those four walls, just checking his room for the umpteenth time, right?
Sure he could.
And that was what he did, he stayed in his room all day without anyone bothering him, not even Gabriel came to talk to him.
He was peacefully just looking through the window, thinking, just thinking about nothing and everything at the same time.
Until the door was opened, he didn't remember if anyone had knocked. He didn't heard anything.
He froze where he was, watching a woman enter to his bedroom. She was not a servant, she was an alpha, Crowley could smell it, she carried a briefcase with her, which she left on the desk.
She walked like the bedroom belonged to her.
Actually, all alphas walked as if everything belonged to them.
He couldn't recognize her, how could Gabriel had let an alpha into his room? Did he allow it? Was she an intruder? What did she want to do with him? His mind was racing, panic creeping through him.
She cocked her head, curious "Hello,Anthony"