Alone
Clara looks into the Doctor's eyes over the young girl's body.
He had been successful in fighting off one of the deadliest armies in the universe. He had turned harmless, peaceful village Vikings into smart, nonviolent warriors. They had won. But the most important player. The one that started all of it, died saving everyone else. Without her, they never would have won. Clara could tell he was hurting, he was never good at endings, but he had invested more into this than she thought, and one death, was one to many.
''I have altered the chip to work on humans. If the damage is repairable, this should bring her back.'' He spoke quietly to the group around him. Ashildr's father, clasped her hand and kissed his daughter's head, his grief bringing sadness to anyone who was close to him. Including the Doctor.
Clara watched him fiddle with another chip. He held it in his hand once he had finished. He caught her eye and the two shared each other's gaze for a moment.
A gasp followed by a few long breaths signaled that the fallen girl had awoke and was back in the land of the living. Whilst the villagers celebrated around her in utter joy.
The doctor rambled off a few recovery rules and explained the likely symptoms, but kept it brief.
''Doctor'' Ashildr whispered. ''Thank-you''
''Oh… don't thank me yet.'' He replied, keen to leave. ''Come on Clara'' He said, offering his hand, which she took. He practically dragged her from the building.
XXX
''Doctor, what's wrong?'' Clara said, trying to keep up with his walk as the Tardis came into sight. ''You have just done a wonderful thing. What is it?''
''I did no such thing. I have just changed someone's future. That chip will keep repairing her. It will never stop so long as she is breathing.''
''So...?'' Clara questioned
''Clara, I think I have just taken away Ashildr's ability to die.''
Clara didn't reply, instead she just looked at him with a quizzing eye.
''What, is it happening again?'' He asked, bending down to look deeply into her big brown eyes.
''Yes'' She replied quietly. Since arriving here, despite it being an accident. Clara had had the strongest sense that she had been here before. Sometimes it was stronger than others. This was one of those times.
''Come on'' The doctor grabbed her hand. We should go before anything else happens.''
Clara walked into the Tardis, the warning bell was still ringing from earlier, when they landed. The doctor couldn't turn it off, no setting seemed to work on it. ''The Tardis hates being here. The time lapse is stronger.'' He said to her, distractedly.
''Why did you take that other chip?'' Clara asked.
He stopped what he was doing and looked over to her. The distance felt helpful in that moment. ''Well, immortality is… isolating. She might have found someone she couldn't bear to lose… That happens'' He looked at Clara in the hope that she understood the hidden message. ''But then I thought, she may be a horrible immortal and cause tonne of trouble. So, I kept it, rather than giving it to her.''
''I see'' Clara said quietly.
He wandered over to Clara and closed the distance. ''Clara immortality isn't living forever. It is watching everybody around you die. Now, the Tardis is unhappy. Which means it is likely that we have been here before and done either the same, or similar. Keeping the chip has given me several options. But mainly, it could change your time stream and avoid your death.''
''What do you mean, options? We landed here as an accident though, how is it planned?''
''Nothing is an accident, Clara. It will help me keep you safe'' He replied
''Doctor'' Clara grabbed his arms and steadied herself. ''Whatever happens to me, I don't want to be around to watch you die in however many years. I do not want a gift that never ends.''
He looked sad then. As if his idea had already backfired on him. He didn't say anything to her. He just silently walked back to the console and prepared the Tardis to leave.
The bells stopped.
XXX
Weeks of various adventures, trouble, magic, beauty, drama and peace had passed with little or no problem. The Doctor and Clara were slowly getting used to being side by side, and various changes were made to the Tardis along the way. If it wasn't for them both awaiting her death, or for the strange telepathic connection between Clara and the Tardis. It would have been perfect. She was slowly forgetting her normal life.
''Clara'' The doctor called her name from down a corridor.
''Don't get me lost'' Clara warned the Tardis. She hoped they were becoming friends. Or in the very least. Civil.
Wandering down the corridor Clara saw him standing there. Things were still odd between them. They would kiss, hug and spend time together. But it was nothing more than that. Clara missed the intimacy of the type of relationship she was used to, after all, she had her own desires. But she was far more thankful that nothing had been ruined yet. She was still with him, and they seemed more in tune than ever.
''What is it?'' She folded her arms and waltzed over to him, turning to look to where he was stood pointing at the doorway.
Her mouth dropped open as she took in the room. It was a huge room, with a huge oval shaped bath in it. Clara practically ran into the room, looking down into the deep bath.
''I had the Tardis create it for you. You were right, it was a design flaw. Apparently, you love big baths... and ones with underwater jets, too.''
She had missed her soaks in her bath at home. There was a shelf to the side that was full of various shampoos, conditioners alongside bath foams and salts. This was heaven for her.
Clara turned around and took less than 3 steps to reach him. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she kissed him deeply, with as much force as she could muster through her happiness. He wasn't very good at emotional words, but he was perfect at gifts.
He held her hips in place against him, and kissed her back, the surprise of her kissing him was lessening by the day and he responded almost instantly now. She really wished he would just let go of the barrier he was holding up. But at least she understood why it was there.
Much to Clara's surprise, he pushed against her, encouraging her to step backwards until her backside was pressed against the bath. He pinned her there, kissing her more, nipping her lips between his teeth. It was the first time he had taken control, and Clara loved it.
''I have not forgotten the time you came out of your bathroom, in only a towel.'' He murmured as he broke free of their kiss.
''It's even more likely to happen now'' Clara smiled, eyeing the tub out of the corner of her eye.
''That's why I had the Tardis put this in'' He teased, before releasing her and taking a few steps back, looking around the room. ''Come on. Let's get back to work.''
XXX
Clara awoke with a start. The sweat was pouring from her body and her breath was coming out faster than she could breathe it in. Another nightmare, the 5th one this week. Each time they became more and more powerful, yet the detail was forgotten. She still slept alone. And resumed her position of hugging her knees as she tried to calm herself down. She was crying and felt terrified, but she had no idea why.
The Doctor came bursting into the room. Clearly wide awake and still fully dressed. ''Come with me'' He said quickly. ''Come on''
Clara reached for her dressing gown and instinctively followed him. The shock of her nightmare slowly fading.
''Every time you have a nightmare, the Tardis becomes distressed by it, she rings warning bells, shows me the time lapse warning again...''
''So?'' Clara asked blearily
''So… what if the Tardis is showing you something... or trying to tell you something. Your mind is never more open than when your eyes are closed. The only time a message without words can truly be sent perhaps?''
''Well, whatever she is trying to tell me isn't very nice, and obviously, it doesn't work out, as I forget almost the second I wake.''
''That's what dreams do. Only a very few will survive the road to consciousness. But it's enough to make you carry that feeling of dread, and the Deja-vu you sometimes feel whilst we are travelling around.''
''What are you saying Doctor?''
''I am saying that this isn't only a machine, she knows the future, and the past. Her database is filled with so many memories, faces, planets, wars, friendships, loss and love. I travelled to the end of YOUR timeline. I cannot see the in-between of it, as it is too moveable, changeable. It is already two different streams. But… what if the Tardis can see? What if she is trying to tell you, that she knows?''
Clara looked up at the machine, it was possible. Scary, and slightly weird, but possible. ''Then what?'' she whispered.
''Then we go there'' He replied.
Grabbing her hand and cupping it within his own, the Doctor led her over to the telepathic interface on the console. ''I have a hunch that the Tardis maintained a link with you from the time we ended up over Danny's time stream. That's how she has stayed in touch with you, just on a much weaker scale. The Tardis would have seen every detail of your life, from your birth to your death. Clara, we need some answers, and I feel like we are passing through time, missing all of the important things, because we don't know what we are looking for. If you reconnect with the Tardis and think about the nightmare, then we may be able to go to wherever in your timeline that it took place.''
''I can't remember the dream'' Clara looked at the interface and remembered being stuck to the Tardis all that time ago.
''Remember how you felt when you woke.'' He said as he placed her fingers into the Tardis interface. Clara felt the nip as it accepted her. ''Focus on the feelings, try to remember what you thought and felt when you first woke up, any small detail of the most recent dream, try to go back to the mere 20 minutes ago that you experienced this.''
Clara closed her eyes and tried to slip back to the moment she woke up. Her memory felt blank, as if it never happened. But within seconds, the Tardis began to whirl and spin above her. ''Good girl'' He said quietly ''The Tardis is taking us somewhere.''
Perhaps it was because she was tired. Or the anxiety of not knowing, but the journey seemed to take forever. Clara had been and changed. The Doctor had explained to her that she may have to remain in the Tardis, as depending on the dates, she may end up crossing her own timeline. Which would be catastrophic. And still they were travelling.
Finally, the familiar sound of the Tardis landing echoed through Clara's ears. She looked over to the Doctor. ''Are you alright?'' He asked
She nodded, feeling too sick to answer.
He walked around the console and clasped her hand, holding it tightly within his own. She had never been worried before, not about what may sit behind those doors, but a feeling of dread came to her that something terrible was about to happen.
Before the Doctor could open the door. There was a knock on it.
They both walked towards the door hand in hand and the Doctor opened it, keeping Clara to his right-hand side and out of sight from whoever was waiting for him.
''Hello Doctor.'' Clara heard a young woman speak. It sounded familiar.
''What do you want Me?''
''I feel I should be asking you that question. You are the one that came to me.'' Me quizzed.
''I still have Clara with me.''
''I know. We are at a different point in time. She is safe here; you have my word.''
He looked at Clara, his stomach was tight with anxiety. The idea of losing her was now becoming a risk. He couldn't avoid it forever. But aside from the chip, he had seen nothing of any significance elsewhere to help or aid him in keeping her alive. But he had to know.
He stepped out of the Tardis, still clasping Clara's hand tightly. They walked into an old, dusty room with a large, burning fireplace, and three chairs. ''Please, sit down.'' Me smiled at Clara, who stared at her in disbelief.
''What brings you here then?'' The doctor looked out of the window. There was a perfectly full, and very large orange moon, emitting a cool light across the land. The stars shone brightly all around it in the crystal-clear sky. But the land beneath such beauty, was deserted.
''Oh, I go everywhere'' Me replied ''There is no point in settling anywhere anymore.''
''Why did you change your name?'' Clara asked. Still holding the Doctor's hand.
''Because me, is all I have left.'' She replied simply.
Clara remembered the doctor's words about immortality after giving it to Ashildr/me. ''Anyway doctor.'' Me continued ''You are not here for a casual chat, are you. So, down to business.'' Me pulled out a blue box, similarly shaped as the tardis, with a key hole in one side. ''It was found, in the wreckage of a ship. I retrieved it and told the army guarding the wreckage to send you my way once you went looking for the dna lab they had lost there in the wreckage. They had plans to build the biggest army in the universe, A cyberman and dalek combined, apparently.''
Clara couldn't hide her confusion. But the doctor was aware that they could have skipped days, weeks or even years due to the Tardis linking them to Clara's dream and not following a time-line.
''People have of course tried to open it. But no key, lock, explosion or laser will even so much as mark it. Given the shape and color, I am inclined to believe that it is something to do with you.'' Me finished.
The Doctor took the offered box. It felt heavy. He looked at the key hole, which was large on the face of the box. Perhaps it was something to do with River Song. He picked up a Tardis key out of his pocket. Curiosity getting the better of him.
''Doctor, don't.'' Clara warned. Her feeling of dread was becoming stronger, to the point that she was struggling to breath. She could hear the Tardis bells ringing in her head, as if her memories were trying to warn her too.
The Doctor looked over to Clara. He admired her beauty, her bright eyes, once so full of wonder and happiness, were now filled with fear and worry. He owed it to her to offer her her life back. To save her. And one key clue, was sitting in his hand. He was sure of it. Clara's dream in the Tardis had brought them here. He had to try.
He placed the key into the lock and turned it. A metal ring clamps around the Doctor's wrist. He drops the box. ''What is this?'' He looks over to Me, who remains perfectly calm.
''I am going to need to see your confession dial Doctor. It needs to remain with you.''
''Confession dial?'' Clara said, panicked ''Why do you need your confession dial Doctor? You're not going to die.''
The Doctor remained quiet, but pulled the dial out from his pocket. Enough for Me to see it and nod her approval.
''Doctor, what is going on?!'' Clara stood and shouted.
''It was a trap, Clara.'' He replied. ''I have been so busy trying to figure out what has been chasing you, that I forgot just what was chasing me.'' He looked over to Me. ''So… Where am I going?''
''I am sorry. But I cannot tell you.'' Me replied plainly.
''What? Doctor, you can't just leave without knowing where or why. What about me? What happens now?'' Panic flooded her body.
He bowed his head. ''I don't know. But there is one thing I do know.'' He turned to Me. ''You. You will keep Clara safe. She will not enter into trap street, she will not die, you will not let it happen. Do you understand?''
''The Doctor does not make demands on people. You know that I cannot change someone's future.'' Me replied, looking flustered.
He leant down to meet her eye, he was furious, anger rattled through his veins and dulled the fear that he originally had of having to leave Clara. ''The doctor is not here. Now listen, I will rein hell on you if I see so much as a hair missing from Clara's head when I return.''
''Doctor, stop'' Clara spoke out
''I can bring every single one of the deadliest weapons, aliens and creatures in this universe and lock them in a room with you for ever and a day. I am not someone that you want to make cross. Clara lives, you live, do you understand?'' He shouted as fury wracked through him. Fury that he had been foolish, that he had forgotten his own risks, that he was going to have to leave Clara, and, that he may not come back.
''Doctor.'' Clara shouted. ''Enough''. She paused, turning to Me. ''Can you send me with him?''
Me shook her head. Remaining quiet.
He turned to her to see her crying, in the light of the moon. He saw her tenderness, her beauty and most importantly, her fear. ''Stop it'' Clara spoke through her tears as he walked back over to her. ''Just, stop it. Not now, not when you're leaving.''
''I need to keep you safe.'' But even he could hear the weakness in his own voice.
''No'' She smiled. ''You don't.'' Clara replied bravely. ''Now, you're going to be alone now, and you're very bad at that. But wherever you go, wherever she is sending you. Don't be a warrior… Be a doctor'' Clara grasped his hands and squeezed them, feeling the lifelessness there.
''What is the point of being a doctor if I can't keep you?''
''Heal yourself'' Clara answered quickly. ''Find a way to win. And come back to me.''
''What will you do?'' He asked cautiously, tears brimming in his eyes.
''I don't know'' Clara admitted. ''I guess we are both just going to have to be brave.''
There was silence. Both of them were trying to hold back their tears. He looked pained, and suddenly, she knew why he had a barrier. Why they had not crossed that line yet. How many times had he met someone special and had to lose them? How many times had he had to live through that pain and just keep going. Everyone had to do it, of course. But over 2000 years of losses. His desperation was finally understood. She reached up and hugged him, clinging every inch of her body to his. That horrible pause as she realized he was not hugging her back. Trapped within his own pain and the unknown of what was to come.
''You haven't lost me yet'' Clara whispered into his ear. ''So, lets part with the hope that we will see each other again.''
''Clara'' His voice broke, even in a whisper.
''Everything you're about to say. I already know'' She responded quickly. Bearing his heart to her seemed cruel. She would have loved to hear him say it, to say that he loved her. But it seemed too unfair on him. ''But I hope you know… that I love you… very much. And I will leave here, and work out a way to see you again. I promise''
Promise. Clara felt him hug her back, tight. A glimmer of hope... deadly in itself. She had never intended to say promise. The word just fell out of her mouth as if someone else was controlling her. And there it was for her too, a glimmer of hope. She kissed his cheek, feeling the damp on his skin from his tears. He pulled away from her and wrapped her hand in his own. Bringing it to his lips and kissing it.
Her chest ached. She didn't want to lose him. The pain he felt was as real as hers, if not worse. Everything he had told her, was true. She didn't want to die. She didn't want her old life back. Nothing compared to the comfort and completeness she felt when around him. Clara held back a sob at the reality of everything changing. She had to be strong for him. He saved her. And now she had to save him.
''Goodbye Doctor'' She whispered. Unable to avoid the possibility any longer.
''Goodbye Clara.''
She stepped away from him as Me pulled out some form on control panel. Tapping in a few buttons, Clara found herself watching him vanish behind a bright light.
Then she sobbed. Lifting her wrist to her nose and concealing her mouth as she sobbed into her hand. Her tears flowing uncontrollably.
Me walked over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder but Clara quickly shrugged it off. ''Don't you dare'' She warned ''Who has made you do this?''
''I am afraid I cannot say'' Me replied calmly.
''How do I find out where he is?'' Clara asked
''I would seek another group of immortals, they are on the planet Karn, who are closer to the time-lords of Gallifrey. They will know the Doctor's future and fate. They will be able to take you home.''
''Home?'' Clara looked at her. ''I already am home. My home is inside that blue box. My home is beside my best friend. Wherever he is, that is where I will be. You have done this. You have sought to help someone who wants to cause him pain. But I can promise you, the universe needs that man too much for him to just let it go without a fight.'' Clara paused. ''What about me? Do you need to kill me now too?''
''I gave the Doctor my word that you will not die here with me. I can't promise that it won't happen elsewhere. I haven't killed him. It is his choice whether he lives or dies now. Nobody can help him other than himself.''
Clara smiled, a new determination washing over her. She had no idea how, or whether she even could. But she was going to try and find him. ''Wrong'' She said firmly. Before turning her back on Me and walking back out towards the Tardis.
''You're a lot like him you know. Some would say, you're almost too alike.'' Me said aloud, as she watched Clara walk off.
Clara closed the doors behind her. The lights and familiar smells offering a moment of comfort before she noticed his absence. Tears pricked in her eyes and she grabbed the hand rail in a bid to prevent herself from screaming and collapsing. She had no idea what she was doing, how to fly the Tardis, where to even start looking for him. Her brain was alive with thoughts, but her body was numb having surrendered to the pain deep within her heart. She closed her eyes.
You're a lot like him you know, almost too much like him.
The Tardis made a variety of noises, causing her to open them again. The Tardis looks after the Doctor. It has sought him, saved his life and prevented chaos. Anything that could possibly help the Doctor, was within this machine. But Clara knew they never really got on. The Doctor would speak to her, like she understood him….
''Listen to me'' Clara spoke aloud. ''You want to save him as much as I do. He needs help. But I cannot do it alone. I need help. Please… please help me save him.'' Clara begged the Tardis.
More noises, followed by the monitors searching. Clara ran to the Tardis console, gripping each handle and clinging to them as her eyes scanned the screen. Finally it stopped, and it came up with the planet Karn.
''Karn'' Me had told her to go there too. Clara thought. She had nothing left to lose. It was time, to be the Doctor.
XXX
The planet was dark and rocky. Clara stepped out of the Tardis to feel the dust and muggy air slip into her lungs. She had a headache, her eyes and chest were hurting. But she had a new-found motivation that was overpowering her need to rest. The Doctor could be anywhere in the universe, and in any sort of danger. There was no time to rest.
The pathway opened out to reveal the sisterhood of Karn. Each immortal was perched on a different rock, the torches, burning bright, were the only sign of light.
''I need to speak with Ohila'' Clara called out. The Tardis had brought her name and details up after taking off for Karn. It had been a long trip, and Clara had read that Ohila and the Doctor had history and that Ohila was also very close to the time-lords of Gallifrey.
''Who seeks Ohila?'' A voice called out in response, but Clara saw nobody out of the group talking.
''Clara Oswald''
After a short silence, an elderly looking lady with long greying hair and a red cloak came over to her. ''What information are you seeking about the Doctor?'' She was blunt, but not unkind sounding.
Clara figured that she would already know why she was here. ''An immortal named Me has sent the Doctor into his confession dial. Why? What is it for and where is it?''
''The confession dial will be with the Doctor. There will be no direct location for it now, as it has opened.'' Ohila replied in a very matter of fact way. ''A confession dial is used for time-lords as an act of purification. It allows a dying time lord to face their demons and make their peace before their mind is uploaded to the matrix.''
''He wasn't dying'' Clara said quietly as her anger began to rise. ''He was tricked.''
''Confession dials can be re-purposed to expose a Time-Lord to their greatest fears and drives them to confess. If the person did confess, they would be released, otherwise, they will be killed.'' Ohila clarified
Clara remained quiet, considering that he may die in there. Wherever it was. ''What would he need to confess?''
Ohila smiled ''The Doctor carries many secrets, and so much information. Some of it good, and some of it so bad. He will have some information that they require from him. You know him well enough to know that asking him, often results in failure.''
''Who is the they?'' Clara asked quickly
''The Time-Lords of Gallifrey.'' Ohila responded.
Silence. His own kind have done this to him? Sent him into a confession dial to gain information about something. How sickening. Clara felt betrayed. Not for herself, but for him. ''So how do I find him?''
''You don't. It is unlikely the Doctor will make it out of the confession dial. He will be aware of his fate by now. He cannot be traced. Once he is dead, the confession dial will open and return to Gallifrey. He will be laid to rest there.''
''He will not reach Gallifrey'' Clara warned. ''Where can I find him?''
''Nobody knows where the dial is now. You are 3 months too early in your timeline. Your future states that you die the day the Doctor willingly enters the confession dial. You were never meant to be there to see it, or try to help him. Don't mess with what you don't understand. The fabric of time is very delicate. The universe will now depend on certain things.''
''Don't tell me what I don't understand'' Clara breathed. She did not like this woman. But at least she now knew what she was up against.
And it just got harder.
XXX
The Tardis felt so empty without him here. Clara now understood why he hated endings. The idea of waking up to this everyday made her shudder with dread. She had the same impulse to travel and meet new life and wonderful things as he had, and it was stronger than ever now.
Ohila had been useful in a way. Clara now knew where the Doctor was, and what it entailed. Aside from the fact he was likely to die, and she had no idea where the location of the dial was, she was positive.
Clara sat down in her usual spot near the console. She remembered sitting here countless times, watching him work, think, move and just be. She would sit here whilst he would ramble, or read from some book. She felt closer to him here. As if she could feel his presence still.
Clara sighed, releasing a breath she had forgotten she was holding. ''What am I going to do?'' She spoke aloud. ''I have no idea what I am doing. I am not the Doctor; I just want to be sometimes.'' The Tardis had, so far, been incredibly kind to her. It had communicated with her and eliminated her need to press buttons or pull levers, aside from the basics that she had learnt from the Doctor anyway. Clara was lost.
Silence enveloped the Tardis once more.
''Does the Doctor have a bedroom?'' It sounded stupid asking what was essentially his house, if it had a bedroom for him.
The machine made a variety of noises, clearly talking to her. But Clara had no idea what it was saying. She sighed. She didn't expect the Tardis to know what to do or where to go, but it would be easier to understand what she was saying. ''Would you please show me where it is?''
Her bedroom was tiny compared to his. Much to her surprise. The Doctor's bedroom was light and well lit. The deep blue carpet was soft beneath her bare feet, and the huge bed was clad in the whitest of sheets. It was a simple room, the star of the show had to be the huge bookcase, filled with various books and photos lodged between the shelves. There was nothing high tech or fancy about this room. Even the lights looked simple. But it worked, and it relaxed her. Clara decided to stay here tonight. She wasn't sure how often he stayed in here, if ever… but it felt right. That was all that mattered.
Her body was tired, her mind almost mute with exhaustion as she dragged her heavy limbs over to the bed and sat down on it. She was undressed and more than ready to sleep as she laid her head into the pillow and pulled the covers over herself. But the pain in her chest, and the worry of what he may be going through, kept her from sleeping, from feeling numb, from knowing what to do next. Her logical mind was nearly gone. Her body filled with grief and anxiety. This was nothing like what she had when Danny died. This was far worse.
She turned her head into the pillow to cry. The lights dimmed automatically and his smell filled her nostrils. He did sleep here, for the pillow smelt just like him, like his hair and clothes. Tears slipped down her cheeks as she wondered whether he was okay or not. And it was there, that she fell into her depressed snooze. Clinging to the hope, that she would never be alone again.
And so it begins. Thanks for reading.