Surrender – Reiner POV

Free

"Cause the night still has a thousand nights,
And when the truth is brought to light,
You and I, You and I,
Will be free."

At some point, even Reiner had known it was wrong. To be around you as much as he was. It started off as just training together, first with others and then alone. But it became more – to him. He knew he needed to stop, that he was getting to know you on a level that wasn't acceptable, not for his mission and not…for himself. Because feeling this way about you would only make things harder when he would inevitably step into the role of warrior again. But he couldn't help himself. He would go to you with a set resolve but the longer he spent in your presence, the more your energy seemed to weaken him. The sound of your voice, your smile, your laugh – hell, even the way you smelled. He looked for excuses to touch you – a hand on your back to guide you, helping you to your feet and as dark as it was, sometimes he'd hoped you would slip up so that he could sweep in on his ODM Gear and save you, to have an excuse to put his arms around you and hold you close to his body. He thought he'd imagined it – at least that's what he told himself when he noticed it – the way you looked up at him, as if he was the only person you could see sometimes, as if everything around you faded away.
"Stop this, Reiner." Annie said one night when the three of them had met up.
Reiner had inhaled, attempted to throw whatever he could in his defence.
"Annie's right," Bertholdt said and Reiner wasn't surprised, of course he would agree with her.
"I'm blending in, isn't that what I'm supposed to do?" Maybe he was a little defensive but somewhere deep inside of him he felt a panic at not being able to be around you anymore. Many times he'd wondered if he was in love with you. If this was what it felt like.
"You're getting too close to her," Annie pushed, getting to her feet. "Every time I look up you're with her."
"And you haven't been spending time with her?" Reiner threw back and Annie glanced away. "That's different. She asked me to spar with her."
Reiner's brows lifted. "And you just agreed."
"Of course not. But I couldn't keep saying no. It would be suspicious."
Somehow, Reiner had trouble believing that. Annie had always been notoriously hard to read but he thought maybe Annie hadn't wanted to admit she'd found a friend in you. When Reiner glanced over to where Bertholdt was, he was staring at the ground, a slight frown on his face. You'd gotten a smile out of Bertholdt not too long ago and perhaps he was feeling the same thing Annie was – a kinship with you. You were always good at that, getting underneath people's skins. Even Mikasa Ackerman had taken to you, and the only people she allowed close to her was Eren and Armin.
Annie sighed, shoving her fist into Reiner's chest as she passed him. Not enough to hurt, just to get his attention. "Stay away from her, Reiner."

He hadn't.

In fact, the more time passed, the more he wanted to be around you. Nights in the boy's dorm, the talks often turned to girls – they were at that age. Krista came up more than once – she was popular. And pretty, Reiner supposed. Kind, caring. The makings of a perfect wife and mother. Even he could admit, marrying someone like her wouldn't be a bad life. The guys agreed. Until you were mentioned. He hadn't liked that. The way they talked about you. Saying all the things he'd already known. About your face, your body, your sense of humour. Reiner struggled to control his face, the jealously that suddenly reared its ugly head inside of his heart. He had no right. You didn't belong to him. Any one of these guys could capture your attention at some point and Reiner would have no choice but to accept it. But why couldn't he claim you? Why couldn't you be his? You were both soldiers – fighting for the same cause. If he kissed you – touched you – told you -
Bertholdt's sharp gaze snapped Reiner back to reality. Slowly he released his grip on the sheets next to his legs. What-
"Reiner?" Connie's voice drew his attention. "Are you in there?" he tapped a knuckle on Reiner's head, who finally turned his eyes up to them.
"What?"
"We asked –" Connie said the words that Reiner hadn't wanted to hear. About you. They wanted to know about you.
"You do spend a lot of time with her." Eren agreed. He leaned forward a bit, curious. And Reiner almost felt angry. Whenever Mikasa came up, Eren was always the first to shut it down. But with Bertholdt's eyes still on him, Reiner had no choice.
"Have you?" Eren asked and Reiner looked around the room, everyone waited for his answer. Reiner knew what they wanted to know and for a moment he wanted to play dumb. Pretend he had no idea and attempt to veer the conversation in a different direction.
"Nah, come on." Reiner tried to laugh it off. "She'd never."

That had been the first night of many. Eventually they'd stopped believing him. Bertholdt had always had doubts but he'd never been as convinced as the rest of them that something was going on. Mostly because Bertholdt had all the information the rest of them didn't and despite what he thought of Reiner, he knew there was some lines even Reiner would never cross. As much as Reiner hated to admit it, he was right. Being around you became harder and harder as you grew older. But at some point, Reiner had accepted the torture just to be in your presence. Just to see you smile that smile you only showed him. Maybe he'd imagined it, but over time it was as if you'd also been looking for excuses, he felt your touch on him every so often – on his arm when you were talking, delicate, calloused fingers sliding onto his skin, on his shoulder or even holding on to his hand for seconds longer when he helped you up. You never met his eyes in the moments after, almost as if holding on to his hand for that long would expose a part of your heart that you were hiding from him. But Bertholdt and Annie – despite both of them growing closer to you themselves, becoming friends with you – kept on telling Reiner to stay away. And to appease them, he joined in on the chats about Krista – he was a man, after all, and it wasn't that difficult. Pretending to like a pretty girl. Unfortunately, he'd done it so well that the rumor began to spread. And Reiner knew when it reached your ears. Saw the change in you. Nothing had changed in a way, you still trained together – even when you attempted to make excuses, but there was a distance there now. One Reiner hated, but one he was also grateful for. This was for the best, right? Maybe this would help you hate him less when the time came. But he doubted it.

The distance didn't remain long, though. And the way you looked at him never changed. But things came crashing down all too soon. All of you sat together in the mess hall, the atmosphere tense, you'd just signed your lives away to the Survey Corps, after all. You'd been sitting between Mikasa and Annie – the latter had joined everyone despite joining the MPs – because you'd asked.
The conversation dragged on, but it was Jean who asked you the question, the question that had changed everything. "We all saw you at Trost." He was saying. "Did you join the Scouts because the Commander asked you?"
Reiner remembered the change in you. The look in your eyes, the slow way in which you'd set your knife and fork down. The way you'd gnawed on your lower lip before answering. "No, although Commander Erwin did attempt to convince me – I told him it wasn't necessary, my decision was made long ago. I enlisted so I could join the Scouts."
"So you'd known from the start." Jean said – he'd always been bragging about joining the MPs – and he could have. But he hadn't. Because of Marco. Reiner stopped eating. He reached for his cup of water but froze with it halfway to his mouth. Your voice echoed in his ears and the cup nearly fell from his fingers. Annie's glare burned holes into him and Reiner set his cup down without drinking.
I joined to kill the Armored Titan.
Reiner knew he needed to calm down. That he needed to take a breath. Bertholdt's elbow knocked into Reiner as discreetly as he could.
I joined to kill the Armored Titan.
It didn't matter. It couldn't. Reiner was on a mission. Knowing this would help him put the distance between you that should always have been there. He tried – and failed – to stop his gaze from turning to you. You were in Shiganshina that day. He'd known that but somehow his brain had failed to connect the dots. You'd been close enough to him to have seen to Armored Titan break through the walls. And that attack had taken someone important from you. You weren't looking at him in that moment and perhaps that was for the best. He'd never seen that look in your eyes – that cold look. Hate. It was hate. And it was unknowingly directed at him.

He was in love with you. He'd known that for a long time. It was a constant struggle for him between soldier and warrior. Reiner turned to look at Bertholdt. They needed to leave soon, he knew that. Staying here any longer would be dangerous – for many reasons. They needed to get Eren and leave. Because if they stayed any longer – if he was around you any longer, he wasn't sure what would happen. You undoubtedly had to skill to kill him, he knew that. He'd seen you in action in Trost. The way you moved – although inexperienced – reminded him of what he'd seen Captain Levi do. As if your mind emptied and you became a weapon yourself. Reiner looked back towards you. Would you be able to do it? If you knew it was him? Despite everything….would you be able to end him?

He wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.

The end came sooner than Reiner would realize. The Beast Titan inside the walls only meant one thing. It was the signal they needed. The sign that their mission on Paradis Island had finally come to an end. Until you'd arrived at Utgard Castle. But something was different. In the way you looked at him. Almost as if you were afraid. As if you didn't want to come near him. You stayed with the older soldiers, mostly because you had the gear to defend them. But even in the quiet moments, sitting inside the ruin, you'd drawn your knees up to your chest and laid your forehead down. Did you know? Had you somehow discovered his identity? That scared Reiner more than anything. He'd known this time would come. He'd always known. But now that it was here, he wasn't ready.
"She knows." Bertholdt had said, voicing Reiner's own suspicions, when they emerged at the top of the tower.
"That's not possible."
"Reiner, I don't know what happened. Maybe she knows, maybe she doesn't. But with Zeke here-"
The door opened and both of them spun to you, standing there at the top of the stairs, moonlight shining down on you.
"You shouldn't wander off on your own." Your voice was shaky, eyes bouncing between them. Bertholdt might not have noticed, but Reiner knew you too well, hours and hours of training with you made you easy to read. He wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing, but he noticed it – the way your hand stayed close to your weapon. "We don't know what the monkey titan is planning."
Reiner almost laughed at the way you said monkey titan but Bertholdt nodded. "Sorry, you're right."
he moved past you and you stayed very still, your hand not moving from its spot once as Bertholdt hurried back down the stairs.
Leaving you two alone for the first time since you'd arrived. Reiner turned his back to you, leaning his elbows onto the wall, looking out into the night. It was a risky move. If you truly believed him to be an enemy you could kill him at any moment.

You didn't.

Maybe it was because you didn't truly believe he was one of them or maybe you just couldn't bring yourself to kill him – Reiner wasn't sure which. But you joined him at the small tower wall, mirroring his position next to him, close - but not quite touching him.
Reiner took a chance, glancing down at your face. He could see your pained expression, the way your brows were turned down, the way you bit down on your lip, your chin quivering slightly just below. You knew, he was sure of that then. You knew that this was the end. Reiner knew he should move away, he shouldn't make this any harder, any worse. But he couldn't help himself. He'd never been able to when it came to you.
He whispered your name, watching the way your lids fell shut at the sound of it and before he could even take his next breath, his body moved on its own, turning you to him, his arm going around your waist as he pulled you against him.
"Rein-" you broke off, your body tensing against him. I'm sorry, he wanted to say it, he wanted you to hear it. I never wanted this to happen.
Your name repeated over and over again in his head and Reiner was grateful that the door slammed open again and Nanaba rushed up. He was grateful for the interruption so that he would never have to remember you pushing him away.

He thought he'd said goodbye to you in that moment but seeing you leap down into impossible odds made it clear to him that there would be no goodbye and no salvation for him. He didn't care about the rest of the Scouts who were fighting – as terrible as that seemed – he would have sacrificed them all if it meant you could survive. And they all died. One by one. Reiner had never known how terrifying the Titans were. He'd never seen the full extent of them in Marley. Watching you throw yourself back up, landing in a heap behind them, it was hard to ignore the way you quietly sobbed with your arm thrown over your face. But he didn't go over to you. With Bertholdt there and Zeke so close, the eyes of Marley were on him. He knew you weren't crying because you could die at any moment. You cried for the ones you couldn't save, you cried you knew you couldn't save your friends from this and he knew you cried for him too. Because you knew what him embracing you had meant. It had been an admission of guilt. And he also knew the only reason you hadn't killed him then was because he'd caught you off guard. He knew there would be no second chance – when the time finally came, Reiner had made sure you weren't close by. He watched you walk off with Hange and waited until you were far enough away before he approached Eren. Mostly because he didn't want to see the look on your face when it was finally over. When the end came. Maybe it would have been better if he'd hoped to never see you again. But Reiner had always known you would come. The moment he'd seen the smoke signal he just knew you would be one of the first soldiers to arrive. Commander Erwin's puppet. The weapon he'd been abusing since Trost. Using you again and again, sending you out with Hange and Levi and others before you'd even signed up with the scouts. Before you'd even properly completed your training. Reiner had hated it. Every fucking moment. You were more than that. But all they'd been able to see was your talent. And you'd allowed it, he knew why too. Because when the time came Erwin would have no choice, he would have to agree to let you do it. To let you kill the Armored Titan. And that day had finally come. He'd been unprepared of what you would look like when that hate was finally directed at him. He'd been unprepared of what it would feel like. Your lips had moved, shaping his name, but it was nothing like before. There was anger there, your hands shaking on your blades. It was only when you propelled yourself closer that he was it – the tears in your eyes. Your blades clanged off of his nape, snapping apart. You told him you hated him. You told him to release Eren. He'd expected both. The former hurt more than he wanted it to. The others moved around, trying to negotiate, trying to get to Eren but not you. Was it because you trusted them to get him or because you hated Reiner enough now to sacrifice a friend? He wasn't sure. But when you were finally given the opportunity – when Reiner was in front of you – a kill you could have made in your sleep, something that would have taken only a moment, you turned away. He saw the struggle in you and the way your eyes closed at the end as you turned away – almost as if you were accepting defeat. Reiner had memorized the look on your face that day, as if somehow he'd assumed that would be the last time he would ever see you.

It wasn't. Fate kept drawing you together again and again as if Reiner had been meant to save you.

He'd been with Bertholdt, attempting to return to where Zeke and Pieck were waiting in Shiganshina when they'd found you. Surrounded by titans, your gear wrecked, blood all over your face – your own blood. There had been no conscious thought or reason. Bertholdt had made no move to stop him from saving you. It was a miracle that you were as unharmed as you were – only seconds away from being eaten. Bertholdt hadn't said a word at the way Reiner handled you. At the way he held your limp body to his heart.
"What do we do with her? We can't leave her here."
Reiner knew Bertholdt wouldn't like it. "I'm returning her to the wall."
"We can't just-"
"And what's the alternative? Take her to Marley with us? Have her be interrogated and sent back to Paradise for being an island devil?"
"That's what they are, aren't they?" Bertholdt said but it lacked the usual conviction. "You care for her, don't you?"
Reiner glanced over at Bertholdt, his arms tightening around you. He didn't answer, but he could see that Bertholdt understood those feelings very well. He was leaving Annie behind after all. There was no more argument from him and it was surprising how easy it was to return you to Wall Rose in the dead of night. It had taken Reiner a moment to find the strength to release you, to let go of you. You were alive, despite how much blood he could see. For a moment you stirred, brows twitching as he let go of you but your head fell to the side again a moment later, breathing evening out.
"We need to go, Reiner." Bertholdt whisper anxiously and Reiner knew that. He knew he needed to leave you, that this could possibly be the last moment you ever saw each other again. His fingertips brushed your hair from your face, blood coating his hand as he did.
"Reiner," Bertholdt said again and this time, Reiner stepped back, again and again until he reached the edge of the wall.

Someone would find you soon. They would treat your wounds. And you will live.
He was sure of that.

It was a blessing that you didn't show up in Shiganshina. And by some miracle, Reiner had survived too. He'd retuned to Marley but the horrors of Paradis Island continued to haunt him. His nightmares plagued him night after night, but sometimes he was lucky. Some nights it would be different, some nights he would dream of you. And it would be just as if always was. Your smile, your laugh, your hand on his arm. As he grew older, the dreams changed as well. He hated those dreams as much as he didn't hate them at all. They would always be of you. Of your lips on his, of you on your knees, those lips wrapped around him, of you taking him inside of you. Of the sounds you would make, of the way your face would change for him. And Reiner would always wake drenched in sweat, breathing heavily, sheets pooled around his hips, his arousal evident there. And try as he might, as terrible as it was, he already knew there was no redemption for him so he ended up lost in those dreams, hand wrapped around himself, with thoughts only of you.

He'd expected to never see you again, even when he'd tried to take his own life. He'd thought he would be done with it all. But it wasn't the end. Not for you and him. It had taken a lot to struggle back to consciousness that day, he'd known Gabi had left and when he'd opened his eyes and found you there, so close to him, your guard down – he almost struggled not to hope. You were there to kill him, you had to be. But for a moment he was struck by how the years had changed you. How fucking beautiful you'd become. You were enemies now, well and truly. But he still wanted to reach out and touch you, to pull you back as you turned away but he stopped himself. That final look you'd given him flashing in his mind. You hated him. He was sure that hadn't changed.
"How can you sleep so peacefully?" you mumbled, turning away from him. You hair, now longer, swayed slightly as you did.
Reiner struggled to find his voice, "Finally going to finish me off?" that hadn't been what he'd wanted to say to you. But as you turned, looking at him fully, dread finally set in. Because you wouldn't just leave things as they were. You would want answers. Answers he couldn't give you. You spoke again but he wasn't sure what you were saying, the words jumbled together in his ears but his brain couldn't formulate them into anything that made sense. Your eyes stayed on him showing Reiner things he didn't want to see. Pain, fear, heartache. Each emotion mirroring his own.
"Kill me, " Reiner said finally, unable to stand it any longer, "Or leave."
He'd hoped you would as much as he didn't. For a moment, you flinched slightly as if his words stung and Reiner froze, unsure of what that would mean. About you. About how you felt.
"I...just, I just want to ask one thing." Your voice shook, raw almost as if you were afraid of the answers he would give.
No, he couldn't deal with this. He couldn't give you the answers you wanted. Panic rose in his throat. Reiner gave a hard shake of his head, he couldn't allow this.
"Get out, -" Reiner choked, your name getting stuck in his throat. As if saying it would break his resolve not to reach out and touch you.
"Reiner, please..." your voice broke on the word please, but it was the way you said his name that got him. He didn't want to let it affect him, but being in your presence after longing for you for so long – he couldn't bear it. And when his eyes met yours, there was no way he could deny you anything.
"Ask." He said, despite every instinct in him telling him not to.
"Just tell me if you regret it." There was a desperation in your voice that he didn't want to hear, is if his answer would change the world for you. As if – if you knew – everything would make sense. You took another step towards him, close enough then that he wouldn't even have to reach out to touch you but his body tensed up, as if touching you would change the world for him. He was disgusted by that thought. After everything he did, he doesn't deserve to even think of you that way.
"Maria, Trost, Shiganshina - any of it."
Reiner turned his eyes away. You hated him. You had to. Why else would you ask that? What could he tell you? That it haunted him? Kept his sleep away? That what he'd done on Paradis had nearly driven him mad with guilt? That killing so many of you, only to find out that you weren't devils at all, made him a murderer? That every moment he'd spent on the island made it clear that he was the monster. And every moment he'd spent with you, desperately clinging to the small pieces of his sanity, were the only things holding him together?
Reiner's eyes flicked up to yours once again, "I wish..." it was hard to force the words out, to make you understand, "I wish I'd never come to Paradis."
Your face shut down, the intense emotion he'd seen there just breaths ago falling away into nothing.
"Thank you," and with those two words, Reiner couldn't look away, as if looking into your eyes in those seconds could expose your heart to him. As if somehow, even though he didn't deserve even the smallest piece of you, maybe – you would take pity on him. Maybe -
"Thank you."
Seeing you turn and make for the door caused panic to rise in his throat and Reiner couldn't stop himself from reaching for your back despite the excruciating pain in his body. "Do you hate me?" the words escape before he has the conscious thought to stop them, but they succeed in making you pause, in keeping you there just a little longer. Silence stretched between you two, and sickeningly, the pause gave Reiner hope. Your hair fell back over your shoulder as you turned to look at him. "I wish you'd never come to Paradis too."
You hadn't said yes. And yet, somehow that answer hurt even more. Reiner closed his eyes, not wanting you to see the effect those words have on his heart. As if closing his eyes had given his body the signal to rest, his remaining strength drained from him and he slumped back down.
Don't go.

You hadn't left him and Reiner had been unable to keep his eyes off of you since he'd woken to find you still there, as if you'd never left. Why hadn't you left him there? Because you didn't want the enemy to capture him? The way you avoided his gaze told him it wasn't that simple. That it was more.
And when Jean had finally decided he'd had enough, Reiner had been content to just lay there and take it – he knew nothing he ever did would make up for his crimes, but if in the moment, this would somehow help Jean, he would allow it.
Reiner hadn't expected you to get between them, and he had planned not to move, to let Jean have his fill – until he put his hands on you. Reiner, attempted to push himself up, but Gabi and Falco were shielding him – at the same time holding him down.
Don't touch her, he wanted to say, as he struggled to cling to consciousness.
"Tell me is it because you believe he is worthy of forgiveness or is it because you're in love with him?"
Reiner inhaled sharply, his chest caving under the breath.
"Just stay down," Annie hissed by his ear, her hands on his shoulders, forcing him not to move. He fought to stay awake, clawing his way out of that darkness that wanted to pull him under, drunk and dizzily desperate to hear your answer.
Jean kept pushing and pushing, refusing to back down as if he wanted to hurt someone. As if he wanted someone, anyone to share in his pain.
"It's because I'm in love with him," there was no happiness in your voice and Reiner knew there was nothing waiting for the two of you at the end of the rainbow. No happily ever after. And yet, his heart soared in his chest despite the rattling breaths he took. You were in love with him. Still. After all this time. After all his sins. Despite the fact that he in no way would ever be worthy or deserve it. You hadn't forgotten him. You hadn't moved on.

And even as you avoided his gaze the next day, as if you felt his eyes chasing you. Nothing had changed. Reiner knew nothing between you could ever be. So during the following attack, when you pulled him from his titan, and called his name over and over again, begging him to open his eyes and look at you, when he'd felt your hands cradling his face and opened his eyes to yours – to the panic and worry there – he told himself it meant nothing. That even if you felt that way about him – you still hated him more. And he would be okay with that. He would have to be.

Or at least, that was what he told himself once they were all safely on the boat, headed away from Paradis. And beyond anything he'd ever imagined, you sought him out. You took him in your arms and at first he was shocked when you kissed him, as if this must have been some cruel dream, some other way for his subconscious to torture him. But when you didn't disappear, when you allowed him to touch you, to hold you, to do things he'd only dreamed about – Reiner prayed in his head. Over and over and over again. Did he believe in God? No. Not really. He was the fucking Armored Titan, what exactly had God ever done for him? But that didn't matter, he wasn't asking God to do anything for him. He prayed for you. That somehow, you would survive what was coming. That you would finally heal your heart and find happiness when all of this was over.

Because in these few moments you'd given him that.