Opening Montage
Music: "High School Never Ends" by Bowling For Soup
Open with a shot of Quinn in the kitchen making a S'mores 'n' Pores video. From there cut to a shot of Jim in the garage making a Jim The Car Guy video. From there we cut to a shot of Tommy, Timmy and Teddy at school. They look bored in class. Cut to a shot of them at recess. Tommy is visibly lording over the other kids while Timmy is among Tommy's obvious admirers. Teddy sits alone reading. He looks up from his book to shake his head disdainfully at his brothers. After this cut to a shot of Quinn, Jim, the boys and Daria in church as a bride walks down the aisle. While the rest of the family is visibly moved Daria pulls up a newspaper and starts reading while Teddy does the exact same thing. From there cut to a shot of Jim at a bar drinking beer with Jamie, Tom and Trent. We then cut to a shot of Quinn, Nicole and Sandi gossiping at a cafe table. Pan over to reveal Daria and Jane standing nearby giving them disdainful looks. Next, a shot of Timmy doing magic tricks. While the other adults are amused Jim is visibly embarrassed. Next shot is Tommy impressing kids with graffiti. Jim sees this and chases Tommy down in a manner similar to Homer chasing down Bart. Cut to Teddy with a Daria like smirk on his face. Finally, a shot of Quinn and Jim standing in their suburban front yard with the triplets standing in front of them. Daria joins the family in the portrait like shot and they're all smiles. A circle forms around the family portrait (which includes Daria) with the following caption at the bottom...
"The Carbones"
in
"Tommy The Terrible"
written by
WildDogJJ
Act I
Casa Carbone, day...
In the living room both Quinn and Jim are dressed in their Sunday best on account of it being Sunday morning. Tommy, Timmy and Teddy were wearing suits and ties. None of the kids were thrilled to dress like this.
"Muh-ohm, why do I have to dress like a dork?" asked Tommy in a whiny voice.
Quinn immediately answered with "Because you're supposed to dress like that in church."
"But Aunt Daria doesn't have to go to church!" Tommy immediately pointed out.
Timmy asked "Yeah, what gives?"
It was at this point that Jim joined the conversation. "Look" he said, "Aunt Daria's a grown woman who likes to sleep in on Sunday. She doesn't have to go to church if she doesn't want to."
Teddy decided to immediately call his father out on his hypocrisy. "So, you're staying home too?"
Jim actually considered this. Quinn, however, knew what her husband was thinking and immediately got him back on track.
"Jim, honey, remember the game plan."
Jim remembered the real reason Quinn wants the family to attend church on Sundays, it's an opportunity to professionally network. Religion has nothing to do with their reasoning. "Ah, Yes. Parishinors who are potential sponsors." Jim immediately realized that he just put his foot in his mouth. "Uh, I mean getting closer to God!"
Teddy rolled his eyes at his parents hypocrisy as they're not religious and just attend church because it's an opportunity to network. Tommy and Timmy have already tuned their parents out.
Quinn explained "Look, when you boys are grown you can opt out of going to church but until then I'm not missing a chance to nab some sp...I mean get right with God."
She hoped no one noticed that slip of the tongue.
Holy Vrigin Catholic Church...
The priest, Father Sapienza, was a tall man with dark hair. He had just finished administering communion and was now droning on about upcoming church events.
"...and we still need volunteers for our annual softball game against the Pro-Choice Womens Coalition. Now..."
In the pews only one of the Carbones was paying any attention as Father Sapienza droned on. Jim was asleep while Quinn was on her smart phone checking her Instagram. Tommy was listening to his I-pod while Timmy was paying attention to the priest (he's the only one) and Teddy was reading a copy of Das Kapitol.
At the pulpit, Father Sapienza finished his droning monologue. "Now, all rise for the recession of faith."
Quinn nudges Jim awake as they rise. The whole congregation speaks with a noticeable lack of conviction in their voices.
"We believe in God The Father, creator of Heaven and Earth..."
A classroom on church grounds, later...
The triplets were in Sunday School (Catholics actually call it something else, but I can't spell it so we'll stick with Sunday School) along with other kids their age. Teddy especially looked like he'd rather be somewhere else, especially knowing the only reason he and his brothers are in Sunday School is so they won't bother their parents while they try to score sponsors. Tommy wasn't paying attention but instead messing around with his best friend, a dark haired boy his age named Mike Cucina. Only Timmy was paying attention to the teacher, an overweight nun named Sister Patricia.
Sister Patricia said "So, when David slew Goliath what does that teach us?"
Timmy eagerly raised his hand. Sister Patricia rolled her eyes in response.
"Someone other than Timmy Carbone" said the fat nun in an irritated tone.
Teddy raised his hand.
"Yes, Teddy."
In a deadpan that would make Daria proud, Teddy said "The story teaches us that Jewish fairy tales can be applied to real life."
Sister Patricia's eyes narrowed, prompting Teddy to flash a grin similar to the one Daria would flash whenever she got one over on someone. The nun quickly regained her composure. Getting back on subject, Sister Patricia said "Well, I have a special treat for you all." She reached into her desk and got out a rock and sling. "A replica of the very weapon David used to slay Goliath. Pass it around."
Sister Patricia handed it to one of the kids. After this, she walked over to a file cabinet to get something out.
Timmy, who bought everything the clergy said without question, said "Mom and Dad must really care about our souls to make us go to Sunday School."
Teddy rolled his eyes in response. "Timmy, you are so naive. Mom and Dad just want us out of their hair while they network for sponsors, which is the only reason this family goes to church in the first place."
Timmy was visibly upset by this dose of reality. "Teddy, that's not true!"
Meanwhile, outside...
Quinn and Jim were chatting with an obviously wealthy parishnor.
"So" said Quinn, "would you like to sponsor S'mores 'n' Pores and Jim The Car Guy?"
Inside the classroom...
Tommy and Mike were looking at the rock and sling with mischevous grins.
"Hey, Mike" said Tommy, "dare you to shoot out a window with that thing."
"Oh, yeah!" Mike replied, "Well, I dare you to shoot Sister Patricia with it."
"Ah, Touche!"
Tommy took the rock and sling. He put the rock in and held it like a sling shot, which would lesion the impact of his shot since it was a shepherds sling, but Tommy was not aware of that fact. Sister Patricia was bent over still rummaging through the file cabinet as Tommy took aim. He then let loos and the rock hits the nun in her big, round ass. Sister Patricia stood up and yelped.
"GAH! WHAT THE HELL!?"
She turned around to see Tommy holding the sling while the other kids laugh. Sister Patricia scowled angrily as she marched right over to Tommy and towered over him. Tommy now realized he hadn't thought this far ahead and was now terrified.
"eep!"
Teddy flashed that famous Daria half-smile.
Casa Carbone, later...
While Quinn and Jim gave Tommy a major scolding Daria sat on the couch watching TV. On the screen was a man and woman being lowered into a boiling cauldron by a little boy with red skin, horns and a tail.
"How many kids are LITERAL hell raisers? Satan's Parents, next on Sick, Sad World!"
Quinn and Jim continued scold Tommy for acting up in Sunday School.
"I can't believe you shot your Sunday School teacher with a sling!" Quinn barked. "What the hell were you thinking, young man!?"
"But, Mom" Tommy whined, "Mike dared me to!"
Jim angrily asked "And what makes you think that's okay!?"
"But, Dad..."
Jim cut him off. "I don't wanna hear it!"
Added Quinn "You know, you're still grounded for bullying Teddy last month and this little stunt just killed any chance of that being lifted any time soon!"
Tommy was horrified. "But, Mom..."
"SHUT UP!" barked both parents at the exact same time.
Tommy immediately shut up.
At this point Daria decided to join the conversation. "Well, I know you got another YouTube sponsor out of this, so maybe you should just count your blessings."
Jim smiled. "True. Now that I think about it, I kind of wish I saw the rock hit that nun's fat ass."
Quinn turned her ire on her husband. "JIM!"
"eep!" Turning back to Tommy, Jim said "What you did was still wrong, even if it was freaking hilarious!"
To Jim, Quinn barked "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT NOT UNDERMINING ME!"
Jim was visibly terrified.
"eep!"
Daria flashed that famous half-smile, amused that Quinn and Jim have turned into Millennial versions of Helen and Jake.
Master bedroom, that evening...
Quinn and Jim were preparing to call it a night. Quinn had a worried expression on her face, which Jim noticed.
"What's wrong, babe?"
Quinn said "I'm worried about Tommy."
Jim saw no problem and proceeded to say so. "Quinn, he just acted up in Sunday School. Yeah, he shouldn't have, but he's a pretty typical seven year old boy. If anyone's cause for concern it's Timmy and Teddy. Those boys are not right."
Quinn shot her husband a dirty look, causing him to backpedal.
"Maybe we should just stick with the subject of Tommy."
Quinn said "Jim, it's not just this one incident. Truth is, he reminds me just a little too much of myself at that age."
"You shot a nun in the ass with a sling!?" said Jim in a poorly thought out attempt at levity.
Quinn rolled her eyes. "I mean this desire for peer approval. Tommy's obsessed with what the other kids think of him."
Jim said "Again, typical behavior for a seven year old. Quinn, you were similarly obsessed with popularity and you turned out all right."
Quinn proceeded to explain her reasoning. "I know from experience where this kind of thing can lead. If Tommy's like this at seven, what will it be like when he's seventeen? He could end up doing drugs, or knocking up his prom date."
"You never did drugs and you didn't even lose your virginity until college" Jim pointed out.
Quinn explained "Because I fell in with a popular crowd that frowned heavily on that sort of thing. What if Tommy falls in with a crowd of bad kids? He already bullied his brother to gain the approval of an even bigger bully and he shot Sister Patricia in her ass with a sling because his best friend dared him to."
"Well, how did your parents handle you when you got like that?" Jim asked.
Quinn sighed. "They didn't. Dad just let Mom do all the discipline because he was afraid of repeating his father's mistakes and Mom was too busy trying to break the glass ceiling to do any actual child rearing. It's just dumb luck that Daria and I turned out as well as we did."
Jim said "Well, that could just as easily happen with our boys."
"Jim, I don't wanna take that risk" said Quinn, "I'm not gonna just hang back and hope Tommy doesn't fall in with a bad crowd. I've tried grounding, I've tried taking away toys and privilidges and it's just not working. Any ideas?"
"You're asking me!?" said Jim in mock surprise, "Quinn, my parents spanked me whenever I got out of line. In my Dad's case, I didn't even have to get out of line to get whipped by him. After all, his favorite child development tool was his belt."
Quinn let out a defeated sigh as she's reminded of just how useless her husband is when it comes to child discipline.
Billy Joel Elementary School, day...
It was now recess. At the school playground a scrawny, red haired first grader in a neatly pressed suit with a bow tie and thick rimmed glasses was walking alone. The boy's name was Sydney Braunozer and he was known to be even more of a brain than Teddy Carbone. Sydney, or Sniffly as he was called by the other kids, was known to be an honors student and a snitch. This made him the one kid at school even more unpopular than Teddy was. Indeed, Sydney was often used by the principal to spy on the other kids. He soon saw a bunch of first grade boys hanging out by the wall. This crowd included Tommy, Timmy, Mike, Shane Sloan, Al and Lou. Sydney proceeded to walk toward them as Shane takes a red can of spray paint out of his backpack.
"Hey, Tommy, wanna do something cool?" said Shane as he offered the spray paint to Tommy. "Paint something on the wall, something badass."
Timmy immediately voiced his concern. "Won't we get in trouble?"
Tommy hated when his brother got like that. "Don't be a wuss, Timmy."
Shane added"Yeah, Titty."
Sydney approached and spoke in an annoyingly nasal voice. "What are you guys doing?"
None of the boys were happy to see him.
"Go away, Sniffly" said Tommy.
Added Mike "Yeah, we don't need you nerding things up, loser."
Ignoring the insult, Sydney said "You know, it's disrespectful to deface school property."
Rolling his eyes, the otherwise sweet natured Timmy said "Nobody asked you, geekwad."
Tommy was about to begin spray painting on the wall.
"You'll be in trouble!" said Sydney in an annoying school marm tone.
Al and Lou crowded around Sydney while Shane got right in his face.
"Go away, Sniffly" Shane threatened, "or I'll have Al and Lou make you eat dirt."
Terrified, Sydney ran off. Once he was gone Tommy began to paint.
In another section of the schoolyard the principal, Mr. Stickler, was surveying his domain. Sydney ran up to him.
"MR. STICKLER! MR. STICKLER!"
Mr. Stickler turned to face his favorite spy. "Got some intel for me, Braunozer?"
Sydney said "Some boys in my class are defacing this hallowed institution as we speak!"
Stickler followed Sydney right to where the other boys are. Tommy had just finished doing a characiture of Stickler with a quote bubble saying "I'm a weiner!". Mike saw the principal and Sydney coming. He tapped Tommy on the shoulder.
"Heads up, Stickler's coming!"
Tommy immediately dropped the spray paint and kicked it into a nearby bush. All the boys then lean against the wall and try to act as normal as possible.
Angry and suspicious, Stickler barked "Care to explain this...this...travesty. Did you miscreants do this!?"
Sydney pedantically said "Not only did they do it, but they're terrible spellers." After a brief pause, he added "Although, I suppose spelling wiener e i instead of i e would be an acceptible ethnic variant."
The other boys immediately played dumb.
"We don't know who did it, Mr. Stickler" said Shane.
Added Tommy "Yeah, it was already here when we showed up."
Stickler wasn't buying it. "Show me your hands!" he barked.
"If we don't?" asked Shane.
Stickler said "Then you all have detention until you go off to middle school." He suddenly remembered that Shane's parents, Tom and Sandi, are generous donors to the public school system. As such, Stickler was under strict orders from the school board to give Shane a free pass on everything. "Except you, Shane. I don't wanna give your parents a reason to stop donating to the school. Now, show me your hands!"
The boys show their hands. Naturally, Tommy's were covered in the same red spray paint that was used to make the grafitti.
"I should've known!" Stickler snarled. "We're going to my office, Carbone!"
Stickler then violently pulled Tommy away from the others and dragged him to the office.
Casa Carbone, a few minutes later...
In the home office Quinn was at her computer uploading the latest S'mores 'n' Pores video when the phone rang. She answered.
"Hello?" Her expression darkens when she finds out who's calling. "Mr. Stickler, to what do I owe the...shudder...pleasure?" She listens. Her eyes go wide as she hears what happened. "WHAT!? GODDAMMIT, TOMMY!"
Act II
Casa Carbone, day...
In the living room Quinn is giving Tommy a major ass chewing.
"SUSPENDED! OF ALL THE STUPID THINGS YOU COULD'VE DONE YOU HAD TO DO GRAFITTI DURING RECESS!"
Tommy pleaded his case. "But, Mom, it was Shane's idea!"
Quinn said "You don't have to say yes just because Shane Sloane wanted you to do something!"
"But, Mom, I would've looked like a wuss if I said no!" Tommy replied.
Quinn gave her son an immediate reality check. "If Shane was as cool as you think he is he wouldn't pressure you into doing something he's too chicken to do himself! That's why he has those two muscleheads Al and Lou hand out the beatings for him! If he had any guts, he'd do it himself!"
Tommy said "But I had to prove I'm cool!"
Quinn didn't miss a beat in her response to that argument. "Tommy, doing grafitti doesn't make you cool! Also, if it is cool, then why did Shane pressure you into doing it instead of doing it himself?"
Tommy said nothing, but his facial expression made it clear that his mind was drawing a total blank.
"That's what I thought!" said Quinn, "Now, go to your room and stay there! I don't wanna see you again until dinner!"
Tommy shrugged.
"Oh, by the way" Quinn added, "Aunt Daria's holding on to your game boy until I say otherwise! She's also holding your I-Pad, and I'd better not see you on the computer or Xbox!"
Tommy's face sunk as just about all the ways he could pass the time in his room have already been confiscated.
"BUT, MOM..."
Quinn cuts him off as she points toward the stairs.
"Room...NOW!"
Tommy grudgingly went upstairs to his room. As he does, Daria enters the living room.
"So" said Daria, "in addition to having me purge his room of anything fun, what else is gonna happen to Quinn Jr.?"
Quinn said "He's suspended from school for a week! I can't believe he actually did grafitti during school!"
"You would've done the same thing when we were kids" Daria pointed out.
"No, I wouldn't!" Quinn protested, "I never defaced school property, even during my Fashion Club days!"
Daria gave her sister a reality check. "You would've if Sandi told you to. Quinn, you didn't really start being yourself until junior year. Prior to that, you were just doing what the other kids wanted you to do. It's actually ironic that I was the one diagnosed with low self-esteem that one time because, if we're being honest, it's obvious which one of us really had the self-esteem issues back then."
Quinn reacted with defiance...and denial.
"Excuse me! I NEVER had low self-esteem!"
Daria recognized this for the denial that it is.
"Quinn, your whole sense of self-worth was tied to other peoples opinion of you. That's the very definition of low self-esteem."
Quinn was about to fire back when it dawns on her that Daria's right. "I see your point. Truth is, Tommy's personality is so similar to my own that I'm seriously worried. He could end up not only repeating all of my mistakes but making some more serious ones of his own, especially if he falls in with a deviant crowd."
Daria said "Granted, I'm no parent, but I think the key to figure out how to reign in Tommy is to recall what made you such a people pleaser. After all, those same issues are probably at work with him."
Quinn said nothing but looked thoughtful.
Tommy's room, later...
The room was a typical seven year old boy's bedroom. It has sports and superhero memorabilia on the wall, action figures and toy cars all over the floor and next to the bed is a stack of comic books and video games. Tommy was sitting on his bed bouncing a baseball off the wall. Suddenly, the door opens and Quinn enters.
"Tommy, how many times have I told you not to throw balls in the house?"
Tommy put the baseball down. "Sorry, Mom."
Quinn walked over and sat on the bed next to Tommy.
"Tommy, I need to ask you something, and I want an honest answer."
Tommy's visibly nervous.
"O...Okay!"
Quinn asked "Why are you always trying to impress the other kids?"
"Because I want them to like me, duh!" Tommy answered with an eye roll.
Quinn choose to disregard the disrespectful tone. "Tommy, do you feel...I don't know...I guess I wanna know if you think your father and I don't pay attention to you."
Tommy stares as he clearly doesn't know what to make of this.
Quinn explained "Tommy, I was obsessed with popularity when I was your age too. I didn't know it at the time, but it was because I thought I had to be liked by all the other kids in order to get my parents love. I mean, Grandma Helen was too focused on her career to be much of a mom and Grandpa Jake wasn't that great of a father because he didn't know what he was doing. I guess I wanna know if your behavior is because you think your father and I don't love you enough."
Tommy rolled his eyes. "Mom, I'm not Timmy. I don't feel like I have to impress grown-ups."
Quinn asked "Do you think we love Timmy more than you?"
"No."
"Do you think we hate Teddy for only having one friend?"
"No, but you should! Jeez, Mom, what's with you?"
Quinn explained "Tommy, I wanted to be popular because I thought my parents didn't like Aunt Daria for being, well..."
"A weirdo?" said Tommy, "Why do you think I tell everyone he's my cousin?"
Quinn said "Tommy, you shouldn't look down on people who are different. You also don't have to be liked by everyone. Your father and I love you, no matter what."
"Then why do you keep punishing me?" asked Tommy.
Quinn said "Because I love you. I punish you so you know what you did is wrong and have a reason not to do it again. I love you, Tommy. You and your brothers. You guys mean more than anything else to me, always have, always will, and your father feels the same way. Tommy, you don't need to be popular just so your father and I will love you. We already do, and we'd love you even if you had no friends."
"Okay, Mom."
Quinn hugged her son before leaving the room.
Master bedroom, that evening...
As Quinn and Jim prepare to call it a night she's bragging about her little heart to heart with Tommy.
"I think that talk finally got through to him. I don't think we have to worry about Tommy misbehaving anymore."
Jim was much less optimistic in his assessment. "Quinn, have you lost all common sense!? You turned his latest punishment into a reward. Now he has a reason to act up even more than he already was."
Quinn said "Jim, he was acting up because he's starved for attention."
Jim pointed out "Quinn, Teddy's the most well behaved and he gets the least attention. Tommy doesn't need any touchy-feely new age stuff. He just needs a whack upside the head."
Quinn's eyes narrow. "Jim, we agreed we'd never use corporal punishment on the boys!"
Jim said "I know, but maybe that's what Tommy needs. When I acted up my parents didn't give me a bunch of sentimental nothings. If my father wanted tell me I did something wrong he'd let his belt do the talking. Mom didn't use a belt, but she wouldn't hesitate to spank us, slap our wrists or lightly smack us upside the head if we crossed the line. Look, a good smack does more than a stern lecture or heartfelt speech could ever accomplish."
Quinn was adamant. "Jim, I'm not hitting our boys, no matter how tempting it may be sometimes, and if you hit them you and I are gonna have a problem...a BIG one!"
Jim said "Relax, Quinn. I agree on this point. I'm just telling you what I know. Getting a kid to listen by hitting them is the only way I know. That's why I just follow your lead when it comes to discipline. I'm just saying I think what you did with Tommy today is gonna do the opposite of what we're trying to accomplish."
"I disagree, and I know I'm right."
Suddenly, their discussion is interrupted by a child's scream.
"EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"
Seconds later, the door swung open and a visibly terrified Timmy ran in and jumped right into bed with his parents.
"THERE'S A MONSTER IN MY ROOM!"
Timmy's room, a few seconds later...
In front of the open closet door the so-called monster, actually Tommy in a Halloween mask, was on the floor laughing his ass off when Quinn and Jim came in.
"DAMMIT, TOMMY!" Quinn barked, "HOW COULD YOU SCARE YOUR BROTHER LIKE THAT!?"
Tommy took off the scary mask. "Easy, Mom! I just hid in the closet, jumped out and shouted..." He makes a fake demon voice. "...'I'm here for your soul'."
Tommy resumed his laughing fit. Cowering behind his parents Timmy peed in his pajamas.
"Still think you can hug and kiss the misbehavior out of him?" Jim smugly asked Quinn.
Quinn buried her face in her hand and let out a frustrated sigh.
A sidewalk in front of the White residence, day...
Jim was walking the family dog, Stripe, when Nicole's SUV pulled into the driveway. Jim immediately stopped when he saw this. He watched Nicole emerge from the driver's side while Jamie emerged from the passenger side and their seven year old daughter, Rachel, emerged from the back. Jamie sees Jim and waves.
"Hey, Jim."
Jim walked up to the Whites.
"Hey, Jamie. Listen, can I talk to you guys for a second? Grown up stuff."
Nicole turned to her daughter.
"Rachel, why don't you go on inside?"
"Okay, Mom."
Rachel goes into the house. Once that's done Nicole turned to Jim and asked "What's up, Jim?"
Jim said "Well, Tommy's been really acting up lately."
"We know" said Nicole.
Added Jamie "Rachel told us about the graffitti incident."
Jim said "See, it's like this. Quinn and I are both at our wits end. We've tried grounding, we've tried taking away toys and priviliges, Quinn even tried loving the misbehavior out of him. Nothing seems to work. I guess I wanna know how you guys keep Rachel in line."
Jamie was about to answer when Nicole cut him off.
"We don't have to discipline Rachel."
Jim's jaw fell open when he heard that.
"You can't be serious!?"
Jamie looks like he wants to say something but doesn't dare.
"I am," Nicole insisted, "Rachel's just naturally well behaved."
Jim doesn't believe her."Come on! No kid is a perfect angel 24/7."
Insistent, Nicole said "Ours is." She was suddenly in a suspicious hurry to end the conversation. "I gotta get started on dinner. Later, Jim."
Jamie said "I'll be along in a minute. I need to ask Jim something else."
Nicole seemed to buy this.
"Okay, hun."
She entered the house. Once that's done Jamie turned toward Jim.
"Time outs."
Jim raised an eyebrow.
"Excuse me?"
Jamie said "That's what Nicole and I do when Rachel gets out of line, put her in time out."
"But Nicole just said..."
Jamie interrupted him. "Come on, Jim! No mother's gonna publicly admit her kid isn't perfect."
Now that he had Jim's undivided attention, Jamie explained "Look, when Rachel went through the terrible twos she was a nightmare to deal with. Now, my parents used to smack me when I misbehaved, so did Nicole's, but we agreed early on that we weren't gonna do that with our kid. The problem was that it left us both at a loss on how to effectively discipline Rachel. Then we saw an episode of Supernanny and learned about time outs. Basically, when Tommy acts up you make him sit someplace boring for a set amount of time that varies depending on what he did. The more serious the offense, the longer he has to sit in a corner. It works every time, trust me."
"Any ideas where I should make Tommy sit?" asked Jim.
"Not his room" said Jamie, "That's a vacation."
Jim had a very relieved expression on his face.
"Thanks, Jamie."
Jim continued on with Stripe to his own house.
Jim walked up to the front door with Stripe. He notices that the door's a crack open.
I must not have closed it all the way. Tommy's in his room and nobody else is home right now.
Front hallway, that very moment...
There's a bucket resting on the partially opened door. As soon as Jim enters the bucket falls, covering Jim in it's contents. The contents were vinegar and cat poop.
"GAH! SONOFABITCH!"
In the office and Tommy was snickering, believing that as long as his father doesn't see him he'll get away with this prank. That hope was immediately dashed as Jim instantly put two and two together.
"TOMMY, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!"
Tommy now realized just how poorly thought out this prank was.
"EEP!"
Jim followed the sound of Tommy's loud eep and cornered him in the office.
"THAT'S FUCKING IT!" Jim shouted as he forcefully grabbed Tommy's arm. "FIVE MINUTE TIME OUT, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"
Jim angrily dragged Tommy toward the storage closet, opened it, threw Tommy in and slammed the door shut.
"DAD, WHAT THE HELL!" Tommy yelled from inside the closet.
Jim said "You're staying in there for five minutes.." He looks at his watch. "...starting now!"
As Jim stands guard Tommy protests vehemently.
"YOU CAN'T DO THIS!"
"You bet your ass I can!" Jim fired back.
"LET ME OUT OF HERE, ASSHOLE!"
Jim said "Your choice of words just made it a ten minute time out."
Ten minutes later...
Jim looked at his watch and smiled.
"Time's up, you can come out now. Let this be a lesson the next time you feel like being bad."
Tommy reamined silent and didn't open the door.
"Tommy?" said a concerned Jim, "You're punishment's over, you can come out now."
From inside the closet, Tommy said "I don't want to!"
Jim rolled his eyes."Tommy, you can't stay in the office closet forever."
"Watch me!"
Jim tried to open the door, but the knob wouldn't turn. "What the hell!?"
Tommy said "I locked the door!"
Remembering that there's a problem with this closet door (it only locks and unlocks from inside) Jim started to lose his temper. "Dammit, Tommy, open the door right now!"
"Make me, jerk!"
Jim exploded.
"YOU FUCKING LITTLE BRAT! OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!"
"NO!"
Jim started angrily pounding on the door.
"OPEN IT! ARRRRGGGGHHHH! GAAAAAAAHHHHH! RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR!"
He pounds on the door like a rabid baboon. Suddenly, Jim stops as he gets an idea.
"Ohhh, Tommy! If you don't open the door then you won't get the candy and presents I have for you!"
"Like I'm gonna fall for that lame trick!"
Jim loses his temper again.
"GRRRRAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!"
He resumes attacking the locked closet door.
Act III
Casa Carbone, day...
When Tommy pranked his father by dumping a bucket of vinegar and cat feces on him Jim responded by locking the boy in the office closet for ten minutes in a poorly thought out attempt at time out. When the time was up Jim discovered that Tommy had locked himself in (the closet door only locks and unlocks from the inside) as a form of protest. This made Jim so angry that he attacked the door. Jim has sinced calmed down and is now trying to coax Tommy into literally coming out of the closet.
"Tommy, I'm sorry I lost my temper. Please come out!"
"NO!"
"But, Tommy..."
"You're gonna be a deep trouble when Mom gets home!"
Jim gulped with dread.
"Tommy, I only wanted you to be in there for ten minutes! Please, it only unlocks from inside!"
"No!"
Jim let out a frustrated sigh.
White residence, a minute later...
Jim was frantically knocking on the door. Nicole answered.
"Jim, what's wrong!?"
"I need to talk to Jamie, it's an emergency!"
Nicole goes inside to get her husband. A few seconds later, Jamie appears.
"What's wrong, Jim?"
Jim said "I'm in a real bind here. Tommy dumped a bucket of vinegar and cat shit on me, so I put him in time out."
Smiling proudly, Jamie said "So, you took my advice. How'd it go?"
"Not good!" said Jim, "He locked himself in the closet!"
Jamie raised an eyebrow.
"Closet!?"
Jim said "Yeah, I had him spend time out in the office closet and he locked himself in. I can't get him to unlock the door and come out!"
Jamie looked at his best friend with a mix of disbelief and disapproval. "You locked your son in a closet!"
"I just put him in there for time out."
"Jim...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"
Now, Jim's confused.
"What?"
A totally aghast Jamie said "What kind of sick, sadistic bastard locks their own kid in a closet!?"
"But, Jamie..."
Jamie angrily said "Forget it! You're on your own, you child abusing psychopath!"
"But..."
Jamie slammed the door in his face.
Casa Carbone, later...
Daria and Teddy were walking towards the front door.
"Thanks for taking me to the library, Aunt Daria."
"No problem, I needed a vacation from Hell myself."
Teddy asked "Aunt Daria, is life always gonna be this stupid?"
Daria said "No, just the first 39 years of it...I hope."
Inside, a few seconds later...
After letting Teddy in Daria closed the door behind her. As they pass by the home office something catches her attention. Daria saw Jim in front of the locked closet door on his knees begging Tommy to come out.
"Tommy, for the love of God" Jim desperately pleaded, "please come out!"
"NO!"
Daria approached and asked "What's going on? And why do I feel like I'm gonna regret asking?"
Jim sprang to his feet. "Daria, thank God! Tommy locked himself in the closet and I can't get him to come out!"
Folding her arms, Daria said "Care to explain why he's refusing to come out? I ask because I know that closet only locks and unlocks from inside for some strange reason. Tommy could let himself out at any time."
Jim said "He's mad at me for making him take a ten minute time out in there."
Daria raised an eyebrow."You made Tommy sit in a dark closet!?"
Jim nods.
Daria said "Granted, I'm no expert, but I'm sure this warrants a visit from child services."
Jim's expression was one of sheer panic. "Daria, just please help me get him out!"
Daria sighed before walking up to the closet. "Tommy, could you come out of the closet?"
"No!"
Daria turned around. "I tried. You're on your own."
She walked away while Jim looks horrified.
Ten minutes later...
Jim was on the phone, having called his mother for advice.
"So, Mom, what do I do?"
Gina's response was to hang up on him in disgust.
A few minutes after that...
Jim was on the phone again.
"...so, what's your advice, Dad?"
On the other end Tony had a look of pure disgust on his face.
"You locked your son in the closet!? WHAT THE HELL!?"
"HEY!" Jim fired back, "YOU WHIPPED ME WITH A BELT FOR MUCH LESS!"
Tony barked "But I never locked you in a closet! WHAT KIND OF A SICK FUCK DOES THAT!?"
As Tony angrily hung up Jim looked at the front door. All color drained from his face as he saw Quinn and Timmy come back from the latter's theater lessons.
"You were so good at improv today!" Quinn said proudly, "Those theater lessons are really paying off. I'm so proud of you, Timmy!"
"Thanks, Mom!"
It was at this point that Quinn saw Jim standing in the office with a worried expression on his face. She immediately walked up to him.
"Babe, what's going on?"
Jim gulped with dread before explaining.
One explanation later...
"WHAT!?" Quinn angrily shouted, "JIM, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!?"
Jim said "Quinn, I just wanted to discipline him without traumatizing him!"
"BY LOCKING HIM IN A CLOSET!?"
Jim shouted "DAMMIT, QUINN, WE WOULDN'T EVEN BE IN THIS MESS IF YOU'D JUST CALL A LOCKSMITH TO FIX THAT LOCK LIKE I KEEP ASKING!"
Quinn fired back with "DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO PUT THIS ON ME, JIM! ON WHAT PLANET IS IT OKAY TO PUNISH YOUR SON BY LOCKING HIM IN A CLOSET!"
"QUINN, JAMIE'S THE ONE WHO SUGGESTED WE TRY TIME OUTS! IF YOU'RE GONNA BE MAD AT SOMEONE, BE MAD AT HIM!"
"Did he tell you to lock Tommy in the office closet!?" Quinn asked in an accusing tone.
"No!" Jim sheepishly replied.
"THEN WHAT THE FUCK MADE YOU THINK IT WAS OKAY TO DO THAT!"
"QUINN, IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST I HAD TO IMPROVISE!"
"Dammit, Jim!" Quinn barked, "All you had to do was keep an eye on Tommy while Daria takes Teddy to the library and I take Timmy to his theatre lessons...AND YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT RIGHT!"
Fighting the urge to raise his voice again, Jim said "That's a little below the belt, don't you think!"
"I'm not the one who did something that could scar Tommy for life!" Quinn spat back.
Jim said "Look, Quinn, I screwed up, okay? Can we just find a way to get him out of there?"
"We?" Quinn angrily asked, "Jim, you made this mess, AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S GONNA CLEAN IT UP!"
Quinn turned around and began to angrily storm out of the office.
"BUT, QUINN..."
"DON'T TALK TO ME, YOU CHILD ABUSING MORON!"
Once she's out of the office Jim turns around and faces the wall. He proceeds to bang his head in frustration.
Later that evening...
Jim was STILL begging Tommy to come out.
"Tommy, you missed dinner and everyone's getting ready for bed! When are you gonna come out?"
"WHEN YOU DIE, YOU BASTARD!"
By this point Jim was too mentally and emotionally drained to get angry.
"Tommy, I'm sorry. I just wanted to give you a reason to stop misbehaving."
"BLOW ME, JERK!"
Jim let out a defeated sigh. He turned his back to the wall right next to the closet door. Leaning against the wall, Jim slid down and buried his head in his arms while letting out another defeated sigh.
"Tommy, I'm sorry! I really am. I just didn't want you to think it's okay to prank your own father. Heck, your mother and I have been worrying about you lately. You misbehave at every opportunity."
"Because it's cool!" Tommy insisted.
Jim explained "No, it isn't, and your mother and I are trying to get you to understand that but you just won't get it. I put you in that closet because I was scared."
That admission surprised Tommy. "Scared!?"
Jim sighed as he admitted the truth to his son. "Look, Mom and I are your parents. It's our job to teach you right from wrong. You just can't go around doing things like bullying your brothers, shooting a nun in the ass, which was actually pretty hilarious, defacing school property and dumping a bucket of animal waste on your father. I mean, how would you like it if I did all that stuff to you?"
Tommy replied "I...I...But, my friends think I'm cool for doing that?"
"Because they don't know any better," Jim explained. "Parents are supposed to teach their kids better. That's why Mom grounds you and takes away your stuff, and that's why I threw you in a closet."
Tommy was dumbfounded. "I...I thought you just didn't want me to have fun!"
"No, Tommy," said Jim, "I just don't want you to have fun at everyone else's expense. You can have fun, you just can't be mean to people while you do it."
Tommy said "You were mean when you locked me in here!"
Jim sighed. "I know, and I'm sorry!" He took a deep breath before continuing. "Look, I didn't have the best father growing up. I'm supposed to know how to do this, but I don't. I have no idea how to raise kids right, I'm just figuring it out as I go along. Tommy, I'm sorry. I...I just don't know what the hell I'm doing. Frankly..." Pause as Jim sighs. "...I suck at being a Dad."
Jim buried his face in his arms and let out another defeated sigh. He didn't hear the lock click or see the closet door open and Tommy come out. Tommy, with a look of sympathy on his face, walked up to his father and hugged him.
"I'm sorry, Dad."
Jim hugged Tommy back.
"I'm sorry, too."
The next day...
Daria, Quinn and Jim were in the kitchen talking about the day before.
"...so he finally came out. Who knew all I had to do was explain to him why what he did was wrong?" said Jim.
Daria said "Based on my own memories of childhood I can honestly say that seven year olds are more intelligent than we adults give them credit for."
Jim said "Still, making him take time out in a dark closet was a bad idea. Sorry about that."
"That's okay, Jim," said Quinn. "After I calmed down it occurred to me that I would've screwed up just as badly in your situation. Sorry I blew up at you."
Daria looked thoughtful for a second. "You know" she said, "Mom once told me that there is no parenting-101 and that's the problem."
Quinn nodded in agreement as she said "Now that I'm a mom myself I'm inclined to agree. Truth is, Jim and I are both just kind of winging it."
Jim recalled his mother telling him something similar. "You know, my Mom once told me something similar. She said that being a parent was like traveling blind. Sometimes, you just steer the ship as best you can and hope it doesn't crash on the rocks."
Daria said "And people wonder why I happily embrace a child free existence."
They all laugh at that one. Once the laughter dies down Jim said "Well, at least now I know how to deal with Tommy, even if I had to learn the hard way."
Quinn smiled. "You know, after yesterday I think it's gonna be a while before he acts up again."
As if on cue, Teddy entered the kitchen with a dead rat in his hand.
"Tommy put this in my bed while I was sleeping."
"You were saying?" said Daria.
Jim and Quinn both emit frustrated sighs. Daria flashed that famous half-smile.
End Episode.
Next Time
A laundry mishap forces Daria to wear a sexy outfit. The resulting male attention has her struggling to reconcile her desire to be respected for her mind with the ego boost she gets from having her body admired.