Guess who's back, back again...
I know I am late and the sad thing is that I have had this written for weeks, sitting in my computer, but I was unable to finish it. Every time I tried to write (for this fandom or others), I felt like it was garbage (still do to be honest) and I kept avoiding it. But I really wanted to at least publish this part because well I had promised to myself to continue this and finish it.
So this is actually the ending to the three part series I wanted to make. I have the middle part written, which tells the story of Inej's travels and gives insight on her healing process and I was even thinking of adding another chapter with Kaz's point of vue while she was away but the thing is that I can't. I have rewritten them numerous times but something is just not right and I can not escape this feeling. Given how it deals with trauma, I don't feel comfortable with sharing something that is about such a sensitive subject to so many and feel like it does not tell the right depiction of their feelings and healing process.
So maybe these two chapters will never see the light of the day, maybe I will publish them afterwards I don't know but at least I can give you the ending. You will still be able to understand everything don't worry.
Once again, I am really sorry about being late, not updating all of that but I still hope you will like this ! =)
Disclaimer : Characters belong to Leigh Bardugo.
I didn't become a native speaker in just a few weeks so as always there might be errors that have escaped my radar.
Enjoy !
(If you like to listen to songs while reading fanfics there are very good ones about Kanej, especially one called "the thief and the wraith" and I actually wrote the ending with the first song of the playlist in mind).
Was he going to be there ?
This question hadn't left her thoughts since she had decided that it was time for her to come back to Ketterdam. Would he be waiting for her in the docks or would she find him at the Slat or at the Crow Club? And what would happen then? How would their reunion be?
Not knowing was driving her mad. For the past five nights, she had dreamed of their encounter, of the moment she would see him again. Each and every time she had woken up with a pang of hurt in her chest, the scenarios that her mind played on her only making the loss of his presence more vivid.
She couldn't escape it, especially now that she was getting closer and closer to him. The memories of their time together were flooding back : the shared looks, the so rare smile that he sometimes gifted her, so big and genuine that it reached his eyes, the distinctive rasp in his voice when he had told her goodbye months ago… It was all coming in waves and with each memory her heart felt like it was about to jump out of her chest.
To calm herself down, she closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, smelling the sea-spray and the droplets of water on her skin. The contact of the sea and the wind stroking her cheek gently appeased her racing heart a little. She was going to miss this : the feeling of freedom, with nothing else other than the light blue of the sky and the dark one of the water around her. Inej had started to grow accustomed to the sea, and it had become kind of like an old friend to her.
Maybe she would go on an adventure again. After all, she had a whole future to plan, a future that would be her very own story to write, full of experiences and encounters, all of these moments adding up to create a life full of memories to look back on.
Just maybe.
She liked the word, all the exhilarating possibilities hidden behind it and again this feeling of freedom flowing in her, a feeling that she had lost a long time ago but was now learning to love again.
And who knew ? Maybe a certain dark haired boy would accompany her in her next trip, and with this thought, a smile graced her lips.
Going on adventures.
Yes, she definitely liked the sound of that.
But right now was the time to go back home, like all heroes did at the end of every adventure, the kind that her father would tell her about when she was younger and craving for stories about the beauty and diversity of the world. The young Suli remembered thinking how comforting it was than to think that even after hardship and struggle, there would always be someone waiting for her.
When she had been captured and taken to the Menagerie, these stories had been at the same time her remedy and her poison. Her remedy because it kept her going, gave her hope, and poison because this same hope had broken her heart time and time again, the pain as deep as if someone had stabbed her with a knife.
Hope was a dangerous thing and she had learned to distance herself from it.
Until now.
Inej didn't fear hope anymore, quite the contrary, it had become her strength. She wanted to believe in the beauty of life, that there was more to look forward to than to fear, that even a girl like her could see the light after the shadows.
She believed that, because she knew that there would always be someone who would be ready to bring her home.
"Captain, we have almost arrived !"
The voice of her crew mate made her jump, startled, as she was deeply lost in her thoughts. When she opened her eyes, home was indeed visible in the distance. Ketterdam appeared before her eyes, just as big and glorious as she remembered.
The spy had missed the city deeply, more than what she had expected in the first place, but she didn't mind it because it made the happiness of being back even stronger. She didn't know when she had started to call Ketterdam her home, but she knew that it felt right and that the feeling tightening her chest was a proof of it.
As they came closer, her heart started beating faster, and her hands started shaking on the ship's wheel. She tried to make her mind blank, to erase all her thoughts to concentrate on the navigation, but her brain didn't want to cooperate at all.
When the docks finally came in sight, she started to scan them, her hands gripping the guard of the boat, hoping to find him in the agitation of the morning. She swept the zone with her eyes, analysing every face that came to her view, hoping, praying to find his.
But after a few minutes of almost desperate search, she realized that he was, in fact, not here.
Disappointment was far from being a strong enough word to qualify the feeling crushing her heart as she searched for reasons explaining why he wasn't there. Maybe he had some urgent business to deal with, or maybe he was just not here yet as it was still very early in the morning. He also could be waiting for her at the Slat, after all he had no way of knowing when exactly she would be coming back.
Inej refused to think about any other possibility.
Or at the very least, she tried not to, but the sentiment of dread and panic was very present in both her head and heart.
All of the sudden, she saw a boat moving in her line of sight, and when she looked up to evaluate the distance between it and her own ship, she almost choked on her breath.
When the boat had moved, it had uncovered a part of the dock, hidden from her view.
And that was when she saw him.
She had to blink a few times, afraid that it was just some cruel trick played by her brain because she so desperately wanted to see him there, but then she realized that it wasn't the case.
The infamous cane, the unmistakable coat, his hair agitated by the wind, the hat he was holding in his left hand...
Kaz was here.
Her crew barely had the time to berth the boat before she jumped with ease from it and started moving towards him, trying to cross the sea of people that were separating them. As she ran towards the end of the dock, away from the coming and going of boats, there were less and less people surrounding her, and she finally saw Kaz a few dozen meters away from her, his back turned to her as he was admiring the sea.
Inej didn't feel like any kind of sound could get out of her throat but she must have called his name at some point because he suddenly turned around, and she could see the surprised but hopeful look on his face.
The way his face then lit up when he saw her almost took the air right out of her lungs. Her body moved on instinct, and all of the sudden she was running again, her vision blurred from tears, overwhelmed with the emotion that struck her heart every time she was close to him. Her body felt as light as a feather, all thoughts and worries completely erased as she watched him run towards her as well, time almost stopping for a moment.
Carried by her momentum, she didn't have the time to slow down, which caused her to stumble and to grip Kaz's coat to keep herself from falling. For a few seconds, the pair tried to regain balance, his arms secured around her back. When Inej looked up, tears still rolling freely on her face, she was unable to break away from the taller boy's gaze. His eyes betrayed a myriad of emotions, all of them melting into each other as he stared at her with disbelief and amazement.
- You are here, you are really here, he whispered, his eyes shining in an odd way.
- How did you know when I would come back ?, asked the Suli, her breaths coming in pants, her heart squeezing painfully in her chest, but this time with a burst of joy.
- I didn't. Since you left, I came here every morning, hoping to see your boat in the docks. Hoping to see you, he answered softly, still looking at her like he didn't believe she was real, that she was really in front of him.
- Every morning ?, repeated Inej, the lump in her throat growing bigger with his words.
- Every morning. And I would do it again, a hundred, thousand, times if necessary. Because each and every one of these mornings held the promise of you, said Kaz, before tentatively reaching for her hand.
It was at this exact moment that Inej realized that Kaz's hands were bare, his fingers brushing against the back of her own, much smaller, hand. She was suddenly brought back to nine months ago, when he had done this same gesture and promised her that he would be ready for her, for them when she would come back.
This time, there was no hesitation, not a single doubt to be felt when he laced their fingers together and brushed his against her knuckles.
Letting out the sigh she had been unconscionably holding back, Inej felt whole, her heart finally at peace. It was as if this moment had always been written, for a very long time, and that fate had just been waiting for them to reach it.
And at last, they did.
Inej knew that they still had a long road ahead of them and that some moments would be difficult, painful even, but she accepted it. Just like he did with her, she accepted Kaz in all of his complexity, wholeheartedly believing that each of them could rely on the other because that was what they did. Fighting together, side by side, now more than ever, ready for whatever life would offer them.
The first page of a new chapter was writing itself at this moment. It would be the continuation of a very long story but at the same time something different, something new. Inej didn't know where it would take them but at the end, it didn't really matter.
Because as Kaz closed his eyes, bringing her hand to his heart and putting his forehead against hers, she felt a ray of sun on her face, filling her with all the faith she needed.
Two hearts, beating at unison, two souls merged into one.
That was how her mother had tried to define love to her, a very long time ago. She had also told her that it was an indescribable feeling, beyond words, and that one would only truly understand it when he felt it.
Inej now knew how it felt.
Smiling, she closed her eyes as well, peace flowing in her like a river flowing into the sea. Time, space, it didn't mean anything any more. They were pale in comparison to the boy in front of her.
Months ago, she had told Kaz that they would find each other again, because their respective paths were meant to cross again.
And now she knew why.
It was because her heart would always find its way back to him.
Was I inspired by the ending scene of Pride and Prejudice 2005 ? Maybe I did but nobody can prove anything *winks*.
I was a little emotional while writing this because I hate goodbyes and I am really scared of them so this was almost therapy for me, no kidding.
Anyways, I hope you liked it, and as always thank you for the reviews, follows and favs, it really means a lot.
(One last thing. Shadow and Bone ? Talented, brilliant, incredible...never been done before. Seriously, I almost screamed when Kaz appeared on screen. Oh and I am also thinking about buying a goat).