Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
[Sia – Breathe me]
In the dark, Alya starred at the ceiling of her room. She didn't know for how long she had been lying here, but she didn't bother. The past couple of days had passed like a big foggy cloud. She barely left her room. She wasn't hungry and she didn't want to see anyone. The blinking light of her phone told her relentlessly, that she had several missed calls and new messages, but she didn't care. She was glad that her parents were at work most of the day, so they couldn't ask too many questions. In the mornings, she stayed in bed until they were gone. And in the evenings, she just went downstairs for dinner, choking down some food under the worried eyes of her Mum and Dad.
As hard as she tried, she couldn't stop thinking about him and how she had messed up.
How could she destroy one of the best things that had happened to her, she asked herself for the hundredth of time. Now she knew better. But a year ago, she was too afraid to feel what she felt for Miles. Back then she thought, that loving him that much meant losing herself. So, instead of facing her fears, she had pushed him away. And when she realised that Miles wasn't the one distracting her from her music, her fear was, it was too late. What a bitch she had been over the last couple of months. Of course, he didn't want to see her again, she thought bitterly.
They see fields, I see you. The words had been stuck in her head since the season's performance and made her cry every time she remembered the moment with Miles on the stage.
Miles. He had always been there for her, when she needed him, even after they had broken up. He helped her to stand up for herself and to believe in her. While they were together, Alya always felt that she could achieve anything. And now they were less then friends. Where did they take a wrong turn? Everywhere is you. She felt like there was nothing left inside her, only a big dark hole, where her heart used to be.
She must have fallen asleep, because when she opened her eyes again, she could see the sun beaming through her bedroom window. Annoyed by the light, she turned around and pulled the blanket over her head, when she heard a sharp knock on her door. Seconds later, the door flew open and Bianca rushed into her room.
When Bianca saw her friend, she stopped dead in her tracks. There was nothing left of what had been her best friend. Gone were Alya's bright blue eyes and the gorgeous smile. Instead a pale ghost looked at her, the only colour in her face coming from bloodshot eyes. Her hair was a mess and she obviously had lost weight, which made her look even more fragile.
"What do you think you are doing here?" Bianca crossed the room and sat down next to Alya.
"Leave me alone, please," Alya said wearily.
"No I won't. Do you know how many times I have called and texted you? Why didn't you answer me? I was worried."
"I'm sorry. I haven't checked my phone for a while. But you don't have to worry, I'm fine."
"Sure," Bianca said with a sarcastic undertone. "And when you say you are fine you actually mean that you feel like crap?"
Alya started sobbing heavily. Bianca wrapped her arms around her and just held her close. "Shh, it's ok," she whispered in her friends ear, "It's ok."
After a few minutes Alya had calmed down a bit. She let go of Bianca. "I miss him," she confessed.
"I know," Bianca answered. "But guess what, he misses you too."
"Good joke. He hates me. Don't you remember what he said to me?"
"I'm sure he didn't mean that. It was bad timing. He was upset about his probation and you caught him on the wrong foot."
Alya looked at her with sad eyes. "I don't think so."
"Anyway, enough crying. We need to get you back on your feet. And allow me to say...you need a shower asap."
When Alya returned to her room, she looked slightly better than before. Her hair still wet from the shower, she looked for a fresh pair of pyjamas to wear.
"No way you are getting back in your pjs," Bianca said. "We are going out."
Alya looked at her friend with big eyes, "Please Bianca, do I have to? I don't wanna go outside," she begged.
"No chance. You are coming with me."
Knowing that she couldn't win against her stubborn friend, she just sighed and got dressed. "How did you get in here anyway?" she asked Bianca, who was waiting on her bed.
"I called your Mum, because I was really worried about you and she let me in this morning before she left for work. They are worried about you, too, you know."
"I know. I'm really sorry, but I just feel so...lost," Alya confessed sitting down next to her. "Why does he have such a big impact on me? I don't want that – but I just can't help it."
"I know it's hard. I've been there, remember. It sounds cheesy, but I promise you it'll get better in time."
"So, it's okay for you to be just friends with Jax now, even though he is going out with Kit? I think I would go crazy if Miles was dating a friend of mine. How do you handle that?"
"Well, I'd have to lie, if I said that it didn't really hurt at first. But you know, it was my decision to break up with him and although we tried, I couldn't get back together with him. I just didn't trust him anymore. So, I guess you were right with your song...I was the wrong girl for him," Bianca smiled crookedly.
"Bianca, I am so sorry about that song. I didn't meant to hurt you. I never wanted you to hear –"
Bianca squeezed Alya's hand. "Don't worry, that's all in the past. We both made mistakes back then. Anyway, today it is okay for me to see them together. They are really important to me and I want them to be happy."
"Wow," Alya was impressed by the strength of her friend. "Do you know how lucky I feel to have you as my friend?" she asked, giving Bianca a tight hug. "You are great and I'm sure love is just waiting for you around the corner."
"Stop it. You're making me cry," Bianca said in a strained voice. "Come on now. Let's get some fresh air."
"Okay," Alya said. "Just let me check my phone before we go."
She scrolled through the messages she got. Most of them where from friends asking what she was up to or sending some pictures of their holidays. Her heart stopped for a few seconds, when his name appeared on the display. Miles had texted and called her a couple of times.
"Don't you want to know what he has to say?" Bianca asked, gazing over her shoulder.
"No!" Alya said determined and put her phone in the pocket. "Let's go."