Closer
Sometimes one just needs to feel somebody a little bit closer.
You're fretting still until a few hours later when Addison's out of surgery, and you nervously approach her before she arrives at the cafeteria.
"Hi, Addison. Umm, hi- I was wondering if you wanted to maybe umm… Well y'see I feel like I owe you for this afternoon and I have the evening off, and you have the afternoon off (I checked, sorry), and anyway, if you wanted to come over then we could hang out, and-" you're rambling so badly that Addison just looks at you with a vaguely amused look until she finally pats you on the shoulder, and that stops you from your monologue.
"Yeah," says Addison simply, as she gives you a smile.
"It could be fun if you want to- wait really?" You didn't expect her to agree so easily.
"It sounds fun," says Addison, her eyes crinkling a little at the corners.
It makes your heart beat just a little bit quicker.
"Alright, ah, I'll be home after five so you can come by anytime after that, and if you want dinner we can order takeout. Just not Chinese food because I don't like it. But you could get it if you wanted I mean-" you over-explain everything, and Addison leans down and brushes your hair from your face, and says that she'll bring along something nice to drink, and to order some of whatever you're having.
"Okay…" you smile, and you preen under Addison's gaze as she waves goodbye to you.
You wave back, and you swoon a little, and you sigh thinking about it.
You are so screwed.
She's married.
Addison's still married, and you need to remind yourself that all the time.
She's not single, and so you can't just ask her out. Not that you necessarily would if she were single, because she's way out of your league, and also you might never get over the butterflies necessary to do so.
You still think about her though, about how she carries herself, about how she talks to the parents, like with Dorie and her husband when they ask about five of their daughters (who are all doing very well now, thanks to your medical interventions).
You're thinking about her right now, in fact, as much as you're trying to focus on charting which is boring anyway, and that's when you're interrupted by Izzie.
"Whatcha thinking about?" Izzie teases.
"Nothing-" you say. "Hey, and I thought you were mad at me?" You ask tentatively.
"Well, I was, but I got over it. I'm still mad at Alex, so I figure why not just be mad directly at Alex, right?" says Izzie.
"Right," you smile at her, because you do miss Izzie.
"So do you have a hot date tonight? Seeing as you apparently need the house all to yourself?" Izzie asks you.
"No-" you say, because it's not like you're lying.
"I think you're lying," says Izzie.
"I don't," you sigh.
"Alright, whatever you say," says Izzie as she picks up her stack of papers.
"She's got a hot date tonight," says Izzie to George as he walks by you.
"You- a hot date? But with who-" George says defensively.
"No one. No date, Izzie was making that up," you shake your head at him.
"Oh-" says George. "Well if you don't have a date then maybe we could-" George starts to say something but you cut him off with another shake of your head.
"I've got plans, so I need the house myself even though I don't have a date," you smile softly at him.
"Alright, I'll see you later then," says George, and you sigh at his bruised-puppy look. You empathize with that look, because it's the same look you must have when you see Addison walking with Derek.
How soon did the circumstances change that now you're jealous of Derek, wanting to be him rather than wanting to be with him?
"You have a hot date that you didn't tell me about!?" Rants Cristina.
"I don't have a hot date, and that's why I didn't tell you about it, because there's nothing to tell," you sigh exasperatedly.
"Then why are you nervous like you have one?" Cristina asks you.
"I'm not," you say defensively with your arms crossed.
"Then why are you so jittery?" Cristina asks you.
"Just… Too much coffee…" you lie poorly.
"You've been acting strange lately. Does this have something to do with Bailey going on about you and your McDreamy's? Because last I checked that was just Bailey blowing off some steam, but then again Bailey knows everything, so maybe she's onto something here," says Cristina.
"It's not like that. I'm not seeing Addison, we were just… Together… When Bailey found us and I was apparently… Loud… So that's why she made that comment," you blush.
"Loud," says Cristina.
"Yeah, just… I'm kinda vocal when I'm touched," you shrug. "Wait, that's not what I meant Cristina-" you say as her eyes widen.
"So you're loud in bed. We all knew that anyway," Cristina laughs.
"Hey-" you frown.
"Oh sorry, you're vocal, if you know what I mean," says Cristina.
"Right, I can get loud when I'm doing that. But Addison and I weren't doing that. She was giving me a backrub, and I hadn't been touched like that in a long time, and she was very good, so I was a bit loud, and Bailey thought it sounded inappropriate but we were very clothed and it was very platonic," you say to Cristina.
"Platonic, huh," says Cristina, with a smirk.
"Yes, very platonic," you confirm with a nod.
"Must suck," Cristina says as she walks away.
'You have no idea,' you think to yourself, even though you do not dare say that to Cristina.
After over-analysing it for hours, you finally decide to go with spicy chicken sandwiches because a lot of people like those, and you've been having a craving.
Then you set up the living room, and wait for Addison.
Oh, and the takeout.
Waiting for Addison and also the takeout.
The takeout arrives first, and you're a bit disappointed because now you're stuck with the takeout you want to eat, but no Addison to eat it with.
Addison arrives shortly after though, so you're ecstatic.
"Hey," you say as you open the door for her.
"Hey," Addison smiles, as she walks into the kitchen. "I brought some sparkling pink lemonade," Addison waves a fancy bottle around.
"No alcohol?" You pretend to pout at her.
"No, I figure we could both use a break from drinking," says Addison.
"Truth," you smile.
"Cheers," you say as you hand her a sandwich.
"Cheers," she says as she hands you a glass of lemonade.
You sit at your kitchen table and eat your delicious takeout as Addison asks you about the setup in your living room.
"Well I just felt like I owed you for earlier, and I had it around the house so I thought we could use it and all…" you shrug.
"You just own a massage table?" Addison asks you, intrigued.
"It's actually Richard's, he just always kept it at our house," you shrug.
"That's… Random…" says Addison.
"Yeah, I know. Anyway, my mother said he didn't have the space and she didn't mind. And now I'm keeping the house, and therefore I'm keeping the massage table," you shrug again.
It's lovely how easily the conversation is floating between you, and you love when she gets really excited about a story she tells you, and you love the comments she adds to your own stories.
"These portions are good, if they were any bigger I'd be stuffed," says Addison, as she puts down the empty package.
"Yeah, they're pretty good for that," you say as you help Addison clear off the table.
It's so civil and domestic, and you like having Addison in your kitchen.
You like having Addison in your house.
You like having Addison in your life.
"So, do you want to lie down and I'll rub your back for a while?" You offer.
"In a bit, we have time," says Addison. "And I need to let dinner sit for a while," she says.
"Okay," you nod.
"We could still cuddle for a while though if you want," Addison offers.
"I'd love that," you say, as you motion for her to join you on the couch.
Addison pulls you close to her chest, and you cling to her hips as she pulls you in.
"You are so soft," you sigh, as she pats your hair like you like it.
"So are you," Addison smiles.
She's touching you again, and you feel so alive. Her embraces are firm, yet tender. Her presence is grounding, and yet it sets you soaring.
You sit like this for a while, as Addison braids and unbraids your hair before you grow restless, and you want to make her feel good, too.
"Can I give you a backrub now?" you ask her.
"Sure," Addison smiles with relief as you motion towards the massage table.
"I have uh, some essential oils if you want. And you can leave your shirt on if you're more comfortable like that. Or take it off. Not that I'm asking you to take your shirt off, but otherwise it might get oil on it, and it's a nice shirt," you smile.
"It is a nice shirt," says Addison, as she starts to peel it off.
You gasp as you see her, her stomach toned, and her back strong.
You can feel your mouth watering at the sight of her, and that's hard to control, so you try to stop ogling and go get her a towel for after. The images of Addison's care skin is still in your mind, and you try to get it out of there before it completely consumes you.
"Umm, yeah I guess if you wanna lie down, and-" Meredith gestures, and Addison complies.
"Do you mind if I take my bra off?" Addison asks you.
Gulp.
"Ah, sure-" you nod, and then you turn around so you won't catch yourself peeping.
"Okay, I'm good," says Addison, as she lies face down on the massage table, with her head in the proper place, and her hands by her sides.
"Alright," you nod. "This might be a little bit cold," you say, as you squeeze some essential oils out of the bottle.
"Hey, that's supposed to be my line," Addison chuckles.
You press your palms together on the flat of her back, and Addison groans in relief.
"Thank you, Meredith," she says in a whispery voice, as you spread your hands wide and broadly, to see where her sensitive spots are.
You move both palms up and down her back to warm up her muscles, and you revel in the soft whispery whimpers that part her lips.
"I haven't been touched like this in so long," Addison gasps, as you start moving your fingers in circles along with your thumbs. You soothe her weary back, and you move down it along the spine. Addison tenses when you find a tight spot, and then she relaxes once you work out the knots a bit.
"Glad I can help you," you smile, and your heart breaks for her a little bit. At first no one would hold her, or lie in bed with her. And now you know that nobody has taken care of her in so long. All you want to do is take care of her in every way possible.
When you reach the tops of her shoulders and her neck, Addison starts whimpering again, and she's making very delicious noises as you dig your thumbs in just right.
You realize this is maybe what you might have sounded like earlier, hence Bailey's comments, and you're starting to get where she was coming from. You're also realizing that this makes it much harder to concentrate on what you're doing, because with Addison moaning like that it makes you want to start using your mouth to make her feel even better, and that's not at all what you were going for.
"Your fingers are magical," Addison gasps as you work over her neck.
"Thanks," you blush, and you're really glad that she can't see you right now.
"Also I cleared things up with Bailey," Addison says. "I told her that you weren't sleeping around," Addison says.
"Did she believe you?" You giggle.
"Mostly," says Addison. "I mean you were kinda loud. Not that that's a bad thing, I'm probably also pretty loud. But it's the truth, so there's comfort in that," says Addison.
"Yeah…" you smile softly. "It's the truth."
Okay, so she just admitted we're both really loud. Eek!
There's some aching in there, and maybe some longing.
You've always been one to have the most inappropriate of fantasies, and having a naked Addison under your hands is one of those. And one that you're making every effort to resist right now.
Addison is your friend, and you need a friend right now.
You work your way down and up Addison's lats, and you massage her head, and her temples where she seems to get headaches sometimes.
She's pliant, and sweet under your hands. All warm, and gentle. And protective of you.
She could be your knight in shining… whatever… and you wouldn't be complaining.
"This is so nice, Meredith, c'mere, snuggle with me?" Addison motions for you to join her on the table.
"Alright," you say, as you lie carefully on top of her bare back. Feeling her skin pressed against you feels so damn nice.
"I feel so relaxed," Addison murmurs, as you curl into her.
"Yeah," you sigh. "This is nice."
Addison starts to drift off after a few minutes, and you try to wake her but she doesn't stir. You contemplate carrying her to your bedroom, but you're not sure you'll make it up the stairs with her, so you lay her out on your couch and cover her with blankets, and then you set yourself a mat to lay beside her on the floor.
As you fall asleep you dream of being in bed with her again, and you try to push away the thoughts that it's too much to ask for.
***** FIN