Warnings: panic attack

Chapter Four

The panic sets in towards the end.

Miseng hears his breathing hitch.

At this point, they're both riding in her observer. The glass is down because if someone attacks at the other end, Viole will be able to react faster.

But and what's more important to Miseng, is that the smell of the salty air seems to be letting him catch his breath just a little.

Or, it was.

But his breath is coming faster now with shorter pauses in between. It sounds ragged, muffled by his teeth as much as he can. His hand is slack in hers, clammy with sweat.

She wonders what he's thinking about. She wonders who hurt him. She wonders what caves are like to people. She wonders what the real sky looks like.

She's grown up with nothing but the shinsu fake sky and things to chase. Her parents, her cousin, her teammates. Her friends.

She knows that Viole is searching to protect his friends. He probably doesn't think of finding them at all. He is probably self-sacrificing and gentle, the person who is willing to move forward without anyone, yet just as willing to sacrifice everything for one little girl.

She thinks right now, she is seeing the Viole no one else gets to see, the scared person who must have been left in the dark. In a place alone.

He doesn't talk about it, not about his friends or what goes on in FUG. No one asks and so he doesn't tell. She doesn't really mind. It's easy to assume an evil organization does evil things as Ehwa-unni suggests. But it can't be just evil, or no one would be in it.

He lets out a cough and without thinking, she squeezes his hand. His head jerks hard to look at her. It looks painful. His expression hasn't changed, maybe his eyes have grown wider, more like golden coins, but he's staring at her with… confusion. Like he expects to see someone else.

Miseng wants to panic now. He looks so broken and drained, despite still moving the observer with them like a robot moves its stiff limbs. His breathing doesn't pick up, but suddenly she can hear it loud in her ears.

"It's okay Viole-oppa." The honorific slips out before she can stop it, but it makes his eyes flick towards her again so she pushes onwards. "It's okay. I'm not scared. You're with me, so the dark isn't frightening anymore."

It used to be, endless nights looking up at a sky that did not love her, that gave her no one and did not value her. It was different now, she was different now. She was not alone and she was, she hoped a little stronger.

Viole swallows, looks away, and says nothing. The only sounds are the drip of water and the hum of the observer, nearly silent most of the time.

Then he says in a whisper. "The darkness is frightening, but it's never the darkness that hurts me. It's the emptiness."

And the thing is, she understands that.

"Me too," she says. "I think all of us are afraid of being empty."

He squeezes her hand.

"But we're not empty," Miseng continues, stronger than she feels. "We're not. We have each other, and they fill the holes that make us like swiss cheese. You're not alone in here and neither am I."

There is light up ahead, a speck that makes it all bearable.

"And neither are you," Viole echoes.

His breathing slows, his shoulders fall from his ears, and he nods as if something has snapped into place in his entire being like a loosened rubber band from a slingshot.

"Thank you Miseng," he says. His voice is crisp and calm like it never happened.

But Miseng knows it happened. She knows.

She leans on him instead of speaking. He gently lowers her head to his lap.

Miseng is asleep before she even notices.

When she wakes up, the observer isn't moving. Viole isn't moving. He's staring up at the ceiling. His eyes are wide again, but they're much softer, much gentler as if he's caught between one breath and the next.

"Miseng," he says. "Look up."

She leans out of the observer and looks up. The cave is decorated with gems and lines of white chalk and carved stone. At the very top is a light, streaming in from above and dyeing the gems orange and red.

"Wow," she whispers.

"Maybe this is what people see," Viole says tiredly. "When they wish for stars and a brilliant wide sky, a twinkling night that isn't worth fearing. That is nothing to be afraid of."

Miseng looks at him thoughtfully and then makes a face. "The night's not scary," she says at once. "It's the loneliness, Viole-oppa."

She continues looking up at the beautiful fake cave sky.

Then a voice echoes her name across the walls. "Miseng!"

Goseng.

"Unni!" she yells, turning her head. There's the sound of multiple footsteps, voices shouting and arguing and full of joy. "They found us, Viole-oppa! They found us!"

A whoosh of breath escapes his mouth before he can catch it but she doesn't blame him. She understands how it feels. It must be terrifying.

Miseng looks up and finds a small smile, objective relief raw in his face. "Shall we go?" he asks.

She nods eagerly.

Viole climbs out of the observer and offers her a hand. Miseng jumps out with his tug on her arm and banishes the observer. Before VIole can tell her otherwise, she's off at a run, stumbling but racing until she can leap and tackle Goseng. The woman stumbles but doesn't fall, holding her with shaking arms.

"I'm fine, unnie," she says. "Viole-oppa looked after me so I'm fine."

"I believe it is more we looked after each other." Miseng can't see his face like this, but she knows, she knows that he's smiling.

Prince is scolding her about something (she thinks), Arkraptor is checking her for bruises. Horyang and Wangnan are checking Viole, she thinks. Ehwa is fussing over both of them and Miseng finally can breathe a little better.

The night isn't scary at all. It makes these moments possible.