Ok, I am so impatient, so much so that I like to get to the meat of the story at the expense of a little character development. So based on some reviews, let me fill in some blanks about the characters that is in my head, but maybe a little too subtle or did not make it on paper.
All the guys pre-Michonne were somewhat normal. Rick was your average even-keeled guy, boring yes, but average. Rick however was a different person before he met Lori. Old Rick was charming, funny, silly, cocky, confident, sexy, intense, territorial, and possessive (in a good way). After a couple of years married to Lori, she chipped away at those traits, and after Lori cheated, it took away his confidence and left the boring Rick you met before Michonne and her SWAY. Boring Rick lost his damn mind, and only the silly part of Old Rick took over because Michonne overwhelmed him. Slowly but surely you will start to see Old Rick come back in some form or fashion.
Pre-Silly Rick, Shane was a charming, debonair, fun-loving, ladies' man and he could slack off a bit at work because BORING RICK always took care of business. When Rick got Silly, Shane went from being the adorable fun-loving womanizer to serious businessman overnight. Maggie mentioned that to Michonne with the Freaky Friday comment in an earlier chapter. Although Shane was excellent at this job, Rick was always the safety net. Rick made sure the business was running smoothly and Shane could sit around the office and make everyone laugh with stories of his escapades and shenanigans. The roles of Shane and Rick are suddenly and drastically reversed, and Shane is now overwhelmed because he thinks he needs to overcompensate for Rick.
Silly Rick scares Shane and sometimes, well most times, Anger and Frustration allows your true emotions to hide behind it. Shane is so angry/frustrated because that is how he is unintentionally expressing his worry and fear. And Shane also thinks he is the only one with the responsibility of keeping his best friend and their business from crashing and burning. All Shane can see is silliness, and Shane is scared and worried that it will lead to ruin. He is at a loss of how to handle Silly Rick.
Abe and Darryl are just two fools along for the ride. Glenn is the sensitive one but has become extra because Rick is now extra. Plus I like sensitive Glenn. BUT those who find him annoying might like him a little better in this chapter. Let me know!
I have already updated this bit of information in chapter 1 and 2 for a bit more insight for future readers. So I will delete this long ass message after a few days of posting as any new readers will get this info in those chapters.
I hope this mini character development helps with understanding motives and why the characters are acting the way they are. But understand, this is a silly fic so silly will still abound with all the characters and situations no matter how much progress they make towards sanity! Let me know if this extra insight was helpful.
Also, let's see if you can spot how many Rick's are present in this chapter!
This chapter is long and reads long, and I thought about breaking the chapter into two, but then having 11 chapters and not an even 10 would cause me to have a nervous breakdown and more importantly, I really did not want to give Lori and her story a whole dedicated chapter, so I attached her antics to this chapter.
Lastly, thank you all for the reviews, feedback, reblogs, likes, favorites, and follows. I love hearing from you, and I love reading comments. So if you read this, comment, and let me know how you like it! Your reviews really do steer my direction as I think of other stories to write.
I am not sure I cannot top the hilarity and insanity of chapter 3, but I hope you still enjoy the rest of the story! That Chapter 3 was something else. Here is chapter 4!
Enjoy!
Chapter 4- American Psychosis
Things were going extremely well for Rick and Michonne over the course of the next three weeks. Rick was on cloud nine and if there was a cloud ten, he would happily hop off the former ball of vapor and onto the new cloud of pure blissful fluff. True to his word, the day after his disaster of a break-up with Jessie Anderson, Rick had the locks to his home changed to a more updated, state-of-the-art security system fit for a man who owned and operated an updated, state-of-the-art security company. Rick had to admit, it was worth it. He no longer had to fumble with his keys, and everyone who may eventually need access had their own separate code. Michonne had the special code, 94339, WIFEY. Rick giggled at the thought, then involuntarily emitted a more lustful, throaty, and aggressive grunt as he input his woman's new entry code.
Rick also assigned codes to the crew on an as-needed basis. He gave Glenn HUGGS, Darryl received GRUNT, Abe got CRASS, and Shane received ANGRY. The girls got their own special code too. TOUGH, SASSY, BLOND, PERKY. If they needed it, Rick would give it to them if and only when it was necessary. He did not want to come home and unexpectedly find any of them sitting in his house drinking his alcohol and eating all his food. Abe seemed the type.
The security system was top notch and camaras allowed Rick to keep surveillance both outside and inside his home, including audio. Rick even had a fancy upgrade where if someone were at his door and he was not home, he could talk to them as if he were right on the other side of his front door. He especially liked that he could monitor for unexpected visitors, which those first few weeks were a constant problem.
For Rick, Jessie Anderson no longer existed. When Darryl mentioned a blond woman set off his silent alarm, Rick pictured a woman with human body and an owl face, but not Jessie. Weird. When they checked the video, and Rick saw Jessie Anderson was at his door trying to use her old key on a keyless entry to gain access to his home, he then got a reminder of her boring face.
Jessie started to show up at his door almost daily. Sometimes she would run her old key along the new keypad and other times she would try to gain access by typing in random numbers, his birthday, her birthday, Jessie would not give up. Between Jessie's delusional visits and her constant random texts that she would send Rick at all hours of the day and night Rick was frustrated.
Jessie: Rick, I thought you were coming over to get your key?
Jessie: Rick, I stopped by your house, but I could not get in, what's going on?
Jessie: Rick, I put our vacation pamphlets under your door mat. Let me know which one you chose ok!
Jessie: Rick, it's after midnight and figured you be home. Do you hear me ringing your doorbell?
This went on and on for a couple of weeks as Jessie refused to get the picture. Michonne felt sorry for the blond at first and told Rick to just ignore her and not give her what she wanted. Contact. But then Jessie went too far and made Michonne angry and Rick furious.
Jessie: Your new girlfriend Meeshowne is not feminine enough for you!
Jessie: I am more your type Rick, not Misheowun! Her hair is not even blond!
Jessie: Mitchicown is not even pretty! Not like I am Rick!
Jessie: Masconun is just a phase. I will wait for you!
Both Michonne and Rick caught the inuendo that Jessie was implying, and it enraged Rick. Michonne knew Jessie's type thought black women were no competition when it came to their blond hair, blue-eyed counterparts. Michonne was glad that she could help Jessie comprehend the error in her thinking. So, when Jessie refused to respect her, Michonne stepped in.
Michonne: Hello Jessie this is MICHONNE, Rick's girlfriend. You know, the one he chose over you. Please stop texting and showing up to his home or we will file a restraining order against you.
Jessie: Who are you?
Michonne: Are you slow sweetie? I just told you I was his girlfriend.
Jessie: I AM RICK'S GIRLFRIEND! Can I talk to Rick please.
Michonne: No hoe, you cannot. Just stop.
Jessie:…
Michonne: hoot hoot hoot? Rick said you would understand that?
Jessie:
After Michonne's intervention, and Rick's help with foreign language skills, the texts tapered off and then a few days later, they abruptly stopped altogether and so did the home visits. Rick was relieved. Michonne was skeptical. She did not think the human owl was done with Rick. Michonne felt in her gut that the blond was up to something. And indeed she was. Michonne felt deep in her bones that drama would soon be at their door.
Although Rick and Michonne started to officially date, Michonne told him to forgo Valentine's Day since they had only been dating for three weeks. Rick did not listen and went to extremes filling her office with dozens of red roses and boxes of expensive chocolate. Shane thought it was off-putting, unprofessional, and excessive. Shane just shook his head and sucked his teeth when he walked by her office.
Shane: Ya'll see this mess in Michonne's office, Rick has lost his damn mind. AGAIN!
Glenn: Jealous much! Raised eyebrow emoji
Shane:Of what Glenn, insanity?
Glenn: That Rick has a woman and you don't! Talk to the hand emoji
There was a ruckus in Glenn's office a few moments later and then footsteps could be heard scurrying out of the office. Abe got up to check it out and found Shane sitting in Glenn's chair grinning.
Abe: Shane chased Glenn from his own office! LOL
Darryl: Where you at Glenn?
Glenn: Shane is a monster! Devil emoji, middle finger emoji
Shane: GODDAMMED RIGHT! Your neck ok Glenn? Headlock too tight? LMAO!
Glenn: Sometimes I can be a monster too Shane.
Glenn did not add an emoji this time. Abe and Darryl took the lack of animation seriously. Unfortunately, Shane did not.
Abe: What did you do little buddy?
Darryl: Oh shit
Glenn: Borrowed your letterhead Shane, wrote a little angry note to Rosita.
No animation just straight villainy.
Darryl: GLENN! ROTFLMAO!
Shane: FUCK YOU GLENN!
"Shane you puta, where are you! I'm gonna kick your ass cabron!" Screamed Rosita as she searched for Shane throughout the office while grasping the note Glenn stealthily left on her desk.
Glenn: Now who's hiding in closets Shane.
Oh Glenn the humanity!
Darryl: ROTFLMAO!
Shane: TELL HER THE TRUTH ASSHOLE!
"I found your ass maricon," laughed Rosita eyeing Shane hiding behind a bunch of paper in the supply closet, "So you think I can't back up my shit huh? That I'm all talk? That I'm a pendeja?"
"CALM DOWN ROSITA! LET SHANE GO! STOP KICKING HIM THERE!" Yelled Abe running to help Shane who was getting his ass beat in the dark room.
Glenn: Your ribs ok Shane? That kick too hard?
Darryl: Ain't his ribs I'm worried about. DAMN!
Abe: STOP TEXTING AND COME HELP ME!
Glenn: But you are texting too Abe!
Abe: Keep it up and I will tell Rosita it was you!
Glenn: On my way! Man running emoji
Darryl: little buddy is back! ROTFLMAO
Darryl and Glenn rushed to help Shane and Abe with a still very angry and aggressive Rosita in Abe's grasp. Rick just ignored the brawl and thought Shane deserved whatever he was getting and kept it moving on towards Michonne's office.
Michonne smiled when she saw her office filled with roses and boxes of expensive chocolates, but also thought it was way too excessive just like Shane did. Michonne would not dare hurt her Rick's feelings, so she grinned and gave her boyfriend a tight hug. What Michonne got in return from Rick was totally unexpected. For both of them. Especially for Rick, who was panicking in his head because he could not control the words that were spilling from his mouth.
"You like the flowers baby," Rick said in a voice that Michonne had never heard before.
It was rugged. The sound was raspy and sexy. It got Michonne's attention. The pet name he called her had her swallowing hard.
"Yes," Michonne uttered softly completely forgetting that she initially thought all the roses and chocolates was way too much.
She loved all those gifts now, nothing excessive about them at all. Rick looked Michonne dead in the eye and she noticed the color turned a stormy blue. Michonne took a deep intake of breath.
"You play your cards right and I just might have another gift for you. It's big and meaty and thick," said Rick as he kissed her on her neck.
"Meaty, Rick? Big?" Inquired Michonne who was so very turned on that her knees grew so weak that she had to grasp Rick tighter around his mid-section to stay upright and not slink to the floor like Jell-O, "Thick too?"
"Would you like that Michonne? Would you like a big, thick, meaty gift for Valentine's Day?" Inquired Rick with his head slightly tilted, his eyes ablaze, and his pink lips thoroughly licked and wet.
Michonne could only nod her affirmation and stare at him and hope he was not talking about steak. He was not. Rick eyed her up and down and smiled a sly, mischievous, and naughty smile. Michonne's heart was racing. Her mouth hung open, drool threatening to escape at the corners. Rick squinted his eyes as he watched Michonne's chest rise and fall, and right when Michonne thought she could no longer take the intensity of it all, Rick kissed her forehead, slapped her ass, chuckled, and walked out of her office.
When Rick got back to his office, he was breathing hard, straight up full-on hyperventilating, out of sheer nervousness of the boldness that he just exhibited. He was trying to understand exactly where that sexual outburst came from. And that ass tap. What. The. Fuck. It was like he could not control his hands or what was coming out of his mouth. Something deep, deep down in him took over and he was helpless to control it. It was pure mental insanity! Rick was mortified and prayed that Michonne did not leave him. Rick was ready to text her an apology but had no clue what to say. His phone was just shaking about in his trembling hand when it buzzed.
Andrea: What did you do to Michonne?
Rick: What are you talking about?
Rick panicked.
Andrea: She is standing in her office just mumbling your name and repeating the word Meaty over and over again?
Rick smiled. All that panicking was for nothing. Rick got himself together, wiped those few tears that dropped, got his heartrate back down to a regular beat and his breathing back to a normal pace and sat back and smiled once he remembered Michonne's reaction. 'She loved it,' he reflected. Rick puffed his chest and acted like he had just won the lotto started planning for her gift for the next holiday. He was a fool in love. 'What kind of gift do you give the love of your life for St. Patrick's Day,' Rick thought.
Michonne's office full of gifts also forced Rick and Michonne to come clean and make their dating official with GARDS Human Resources and both signed the interoffice relationship paperwork. To Rick, it was like signing a marriage certificate. He said as much and Michonne corrected his incorrect assessment of the HR forms. Rick just ignored her rational thinking and continued to believe what he wanted to believe, accurate or not. Maggie was giddy as she watched them both sign on the dotted line.
"YAY, I am so happy for you two! That makes four couples now!" Exclaimed Maggie who was excitedly clapping her hands.
Maggie watched as Rick stood in his "aw shucks" stance with a huge silly grin on his face. Then she noticed Michonne's excessively blinking eyes glued fully on Rick. It was an interesting juxtaposition. Michonne had lust written across her face while Rick's face was just plain goofy. Maggie was just about to say how adorable they were but got distracted when she noticed Rick's hand out of nowhere move to Michonne's mid-back then slowly slide down until full-on resting on to top of her ass. Now Rick's hand matched Michonne's face. Maggie furrowed her brows at Rick's boldness, and then smiled when she saw Michonne holding her breath and trying to stay calm with his touch. 'Did Michonne just shiver?' thought Maggie.
"Four?" Questioned Rick, snapping Maggie out of her trance, "I thought it was only two before us? You and Glenn. Darryl and Sasha, and now me and Michonne?
Maggie: OMG! Rick has his hand on Michonne's ass!
Rick pulled out his phone after he heard a ding opened his messages then squinted at Maggie.
Maggie: Sorry
Rick: Aren't you head of human resources? I mean… really Maggie?
Maggie: Sorry
Maggie needed to calm down. She got so excited she started texting before she realized exactly who her message would be delivered to. It was meant for the girls, but Rick's name was on her mind. Common error.
"Abe and Rosita beat you by two days," smiled Maggie shaking the mistake off, "Although I think those two have been together since before Halloween. Remember when they came dressed as a sexy lion and a lion tamer?" Blanched Maggie.
Rick grimaced at the recollection and Michonne smiled in wonder as they both winced, and Rick noticed.
"Abe was the sexy lion. It was kinda creepy," Rick clarified to Michonne who hated she missed that spectacle and made a mental note to ask Maggie for pictures later.
Michonne watched as Maggie tried to shake the image from her mind and chuckled when the green-eyed Human Resource Manager scrunched her face as said "yuck" as the image refused to leave her brain. It was like a stain that you could never clean up.
"It's worse than you're thinking," smirked Maggie who went to her phone and scrolled though her pictures until she found the one she was looking for.
Maggie hated that the picture was even in her photo album it was so bad, but she could not bring herself to delete it. Leverage. But Abe was proud of that picture, so Maggie's motives were moot. When she held up the phone to Michonne, Rick averted his eyes and Michonne's stomach lurched. Abe had on jungle print speedos and his red/orange body hair served as his lion fur. The sheer amount of red body hair that man had was unbelievable. Rosita stood next to him, fully dressed, in a black jacket with tails, cream pants, a top hat and black rider boots. She was holding a whip in her hand and Abe was posed with his mouth puckered and two fingers on lips with his face displayed like he was in trouble. 'Those are sick,' Michonne thought.
"That was a long night having to watch that, especially when he would sit with his legs gapped open," Rick chocked out then dry heaved.
"I got a picture of that too, wanna see," grimaced Maggie.
"NO!" Hollered both Rick and Michonne who had seen more than enough.
A few minutes later Rick received a text from Shane.
Shane: Your ass better be in the office Rick. Quick owner's meeting in the conference room in five minutes.
Rick: I am indeed in the office and will be there in three.
Shane: Well good for you asshole, you are finally taking work seriously.
Shane was grinning.
Rick: Me and Michonne are looking at pictures from last Halloween with Maggie.
Shane shook his head and frowned.
Shane: You just could not let me have this could you prick.
Rick: Your balls ok?
Rick was genuinely asking, but Shane did not take it that way. Shane for a quick second almost felt guilty about what he was about to do and almost changed his mind, but that last text put Shane back on track. Rick was trying to be funny. Of course his balls were not ok. While Rick and his girlfriend were looking at inappropriate pictures, he was getting his balls shattered by Rosita. This meeting was going to be fun for Shane.
Shane put his phone in his pocket and limped towards the conference room.
Once the owners were all gathered around the conference table, they watched as a seemingly smug Shane walked back and forth smirking at Rick for a few beats too long and a few times too many. Rick shifted in his seat, uncomfortable with Shane's obvious intimidation tactic, and waited for Shane to start the meeting.
Abe: Why is that fool peacocking around the room?
Darryl: Hell if I know, but I know it's about Rick!
Rick: Why me?
Darryl: Cuz he is staring at you like he wants to hurt you!
Abe: Like Rosita hurt him? ROTFLMAO
Darryl: ABE! Respect the signature man!
"Rick, just a head's up," grinned Shane in a somber tone, but he was really not as subdued as he appeared rather, he seemed giddy underneath it all.
Darryl: Told you!
All the guys thought it was odd that Shane was smiling, especially since they were sure he had at least one broken rib and possibly a ruptured testicle. But mostly because Shane had been scowling for so long, they forgot what he looked like with a grin. Shane was happy to stick it to Rick after all his crazy antics recently. Some good payback for all the drama and stress from the few months, even though the drama and stress of Shane was caused by Shane himself.
"I am going to have to get with HR and draft some paperwork for you and Michonne since you are having and interoffice relationship now. I think it would be best," smiled Shane who had more up his sleeve.
Glenn: uhhh, where has he been? Yawning emoji
Shane went on to babble about all the legal ramifications of dating within the office, especially if they broke up and in a fit of rage started to make the office a hostile work environment. Shane continued to arrogantly insist that Rick and Michonne attend training on how to stay professional in the workplace, which he would have Sasha and Maggie create, six modules in total, each lasting six hours. Shane was giddy as he spoke thinking about Rick having to sit though all those boring ass seminars. Michonne would have to also, collateral damage that could not be avoided. Shane also suggested workplace relationship counseling, a total of six, one-hour sessions. Shane did not even know if that type of training and counseling even existed, he just wanted Rick to suffer. Shane fought back the urge to giggle at all the fake tasks he was making up, some on the spot. Shane did feel guilty about Michonne having to sit through that mess though.
Abe: Shane is smoking crack cocaine!
Darryl: Meth too!
"And after counseling, one more round of training to complete the "Office Dating Protocol," stated Shane who was mentally patting himself on the back for making that term up right then and there, "Let's go around the table and get everyone's opinion on it, Glenn?"
"I vote no to all that, besides, I already signed my paperwork, so I am good with it," shrugged Glenn.
Glenn: Why would he think we would agree to this? Confused emoji
Abe: Because that fool is high from sniffing old donkey balls!
Rick: And don't forget the crack cocaine and meth! LOL
Darryl: shut up Rick.
Rick: YOU SHUT UP DARRYL!
"Say what now?" exclaimed a confused Shane who was so busy focusing on Rick, he failed to notice there were other relationships happening.
"Me and Maggie are dating so she drafted paperwork already. We signed our agreement months ago!" replied a happy go lucky Glenn.
Darryl: How this nut not know about Glenn and Maggie?
Rick: How can he be so clueless!
Darryl: Don't talk about clueless Rick! You are the clueless king!
Rick: am not
Abe: Shane's other ball sac is gonna burst when he hears about you and Sasha! LOL
Darryl: Thanks for not using ROTFLMAO just now Abe.
Abe: Awwww…...you are welcome sweetie!
Glenn: ABE! ROTFLMAO
Darryl: Glenn!
Glenn: Sorry…sweetie! giggling emoji
Abe: Darryl is the sensitive one now! LMAO
Shane huffed and then looked at Darryl like the whole thing just became a nonissue, which pissed him off to the full-out extent because now he would need a new idea to stick it to Rick but wanted the rest of their opinions shared just the same.
"I vote Nah, cuz I ain't gonna do it. Plus, I signed mine too. Me and Sasha," added Darryl looking down at his fingernails, "we knew right away, and we stated dating a week after she started here fourth week of January."
Shane, who was now breathing hard looked to Abe, who was already kind of iffy. Shane knew had to be dating Rosita after that horrible Halloween costume debacle. Shane shuddered but Abe was his last resort. Shane was no longer strutting around the room like a peacock, he was now sitting with his fingers crossed under the table hoping he still had one last lifeline. One final ally.
"Yup, me and Rosita are knocking boots and kicking ass in the bedroom fellas, if you know what I mean," Abe replied with a wink, "We signed ours few days ago."
Rick: I think he is gonna blow
Darryl: Nah, probably just yell for us to get out.
Shane, who looked incredulous at this point, and whose knuckles were now turning chalk white as his grip tightened on the edge of the conference table. Shane looked back towards Rick and glowered at his childhood friend.
"Uh, yeah Shane, Michonne and I just signed ten minutes ago," smiled a proud Rick.
Abe: way to turn the knife, Rick!
Darryl: Damn! You cold Rick!
Glenn: Dumbass. Donkey emoji
Rick: Shit!
Shane stood up and had a mini psychotic break. He let loose with a holler that could be heard all through the entire office building.
"WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK!" HOW IS THIS EVEN PROFESSONAL? HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THIS BULLSHIT?" Yelled Shane.
Darryl: oh shit!
Rick: now who's clueless Darryl?
Darryl: been holding that in huh Rick?
Rick: yes
Darryl: still you though
"Well," replied Rick who pursed his lips at the last message, "You have been working a lot Shane, and we didn't want to rub it in especially since we ain't seen you with no woman lately…"
Glenn: Rick! DUDE! SHUT UP! Anguished emoji, Shushing emoji, zipper mouth emoji
Before Rick could finish, Shane shouted "AM I THE OFFICE LOSER NOW? I HAVE NOT HAD A GODDAMMED DATE IN THREE MONTHS BECAUSE OF YOU RICK AND NOW YOU ARE TELLING ME ALL OF A SUDDEN Y'ALL ALL GOT A WOMAN AND NOT ME! ME! THE SUAVEST OF YOU ALL. THE MOST EXPERIENCED. THE MOST CHARMING, THE ONE WHO ALWAYS HAS A WOMAN IS NOW THE OFFICE DUD!"
Shane slammed his fist in anger and frustration on the conference table. He was upset with his lack of romantic options, and his slutty options too. Shane was more mad at himself for allowing himself to be Rick's keeper.
Rick watched and talked through Shane's tantrum while secretly texting the guysl under the table.
"And you have been so testy, so we thought we would wait to share the news with you," continued a clueless Rick.
Darryl just shook his head at Rick and mouthed 'clueless' to him which caused Rick to narrow his eyes at his grunting friend.
Abe: Tuning the knife and now gutting him. What's next Rick? Ripping out his throat with your teeth?
Glenn: dumbass. neutral face emoji
Rick cut his eyes at Glenn.
Rick: Why is he so mad?
"Testy Rick? I have been testy because I seem to be the only one working hard around here, making sure the work gets done, while ya'll running around dating women in the workplace!" Shouted a criticizing Shane.
Darryl: Cuz he ain't got nobody! But mostly cuz of you Rick.
"Now Shane stop it. You are just stressed because you have not gotten laid evidently in quite a while," chuckled Abe who saw right through Shane, "Work has never been better, and we are pulling our weight and don't deny it. We need to find you a woman to release all that stress."
Abe: Shane has lost his damn mind!
"Andrea is available," said Glenn looking around the room for confirmation.
Rick: Oh snap Glenn!
"No, I do not want to date in the workplace. What happens when all of this goes to shit?" Asked Shane incredulously.
Abe: All HIS relationships go to shit!
"All YOUR relationships go to shit Shane. You don't like commitment. We are all good and we all think we found the one," replied Darryl happy to be the voice of what everyone else was thinking.
Rick: Damn Darryl, you put it out there!
"Imma need you to go back to grunting Darryl," Shane blurted rolling his eyes at his friend who all of a sudden had stuff and thangs to actually say, "All ya'll get out and go back to work. BACK TO WORK! NOT BACK TO YOUR GIRLFRIENDS' DESKS!"
Rick: Let's all go meet in Michonne's office.
They all filed out of the office and sneakily made their way to Michonne's office and texted the girls to meet them there. All except Andrea. They needed to discuss her and did not want her to be there for it.
Back in his office, Shane reflected on what his friends had to say, and they were right. He was so focused on covering for and worrying about Rick and his new disturbing behavior that he lost sight of his own love life. Hell, his own fun-loving personality was nowhere to be found! And after all the looking out for Rick, it was not even necessary. Rick got his woman. Shit, if Shane had to admit it, he was proud of his buddy because for a brief minute, Rick was juggling two women!
Shane was determined to get back out there 'pulling pussy,' which was his former motto much to the chagrin of Rick, Darryl, and Glenn. Abe loved the motto and wanted to put it on a T-Shirt. Shane thought about Andrea and wondered if she was a viable candidate. 'When in Rome,' he thought and chuckled then nixed the idea just as fast. Shane knew his track record with women and dating Andrea who also was an employee would not end well. Besides, the whole group had all been out for happy hour a few times and he noticed that Andrea was the female version of him, so that was a double dose of NO for Shane. He knew commitment was not for Andrea either, but he got an idea and jumped up from his desk and went straight to her office. It was time for Shane to get his life back on track.
"You dating anybody?" Asked Shane.
"I'm always dating somebody," deadpanned Andrea wondering where Shane was going with his curious line of questioning.
"Serious bout em?" Inquired Shane.
"Course not," responded Andrea.
"Wanna be each other's wing men?" Smiled Shane.
"Sounds fun, Friday night?" Questioned Andrea.
"See you at five on Friday," confirmed Shane and with that he drummed her door jamb twice with his fingers and left her office with a renewed sense of enthusiasm.
Shane leaned back in his chair with his hands clasped behind his head.
"I'm back baby!" Exclaimed Shane excitedly to himself.
Darryl passed by Shane's office and smiled at his friend's outburst. Then shook his head, looked around and scowled. He was not gonna let Abe catch him being all sensitive and sentimental.
Andrea was in her office giddy as all outdoors and immediately called to dump her current man of the week. She was not like Rick. Andrea simply dialed the number and spoke her true feelings.
"Hey, you and me are through," stated Andrea then quickly hung up on her former man who was still stammering and trying to get some clarification.
Going out with Shane and participating in his antics, she needed to be free and ready for fun! Back in Michonne's office, the gang were conspiring to help make Shandrea a thing.
"Shandrea?" Laughed a perplexed Sasha.
"Yes," smiled Glen, "I have names for you all!"
"Oh yeah, what are they?" Asked a tickled and very interested Darryl who quickly faked some nonchalance and eyed Abe.
Abe was making Darryl neurotic. Abe chuckled.
"Rick and Michonne are Richonne, Me and Maggie are Gleggie, Darryl and Sasha are Dasha, Abe and Rosita are Abeita, and if they get together, then Andrea and Shane will be Shandrea!" Exclaimed Glen.
"That is so cute sweetie!" delighted Maggie and she danced her way to Glenn to give her honey bear a hug.
Rosita: WTF?
Sasha: He is cute, leave him alone.
Rosita: If he calls me Abeita, I am going to punch his ass in the balls.
Michonne: What is this fascination that you and Abe have with balls.
Sasha: That big Redhead is starting to rub off on you Rosita!
Rosita: And up on me too…last night he…
Rosita went on to detail escapades that no one wanted to read and Michonne and Sasha scrunched their faces and made a private chat between the two.
Michonne: I deleted that mess.
Sasha: Me too
Michonne: Oh shit she is watching us text. Let's put her back on the group text.
Sasha: Hurry!
Nobody wanted to make Rosita mad after that Shane brutality.
Sasha: Rosita that is just TMI, you are just like Abe.
Rosita: I didn't even tell you the best part yet!
"NO!" Michonne and Sasha screamed out loud at the same time. The crew were now looking at the two women up and down suspiciously.
"Ummm yeah cute Glenn," responded Michonne trying to cover for their sneak texting antics.
The women nodded in affirmation and the men just laughed and shook their head at Glenn, and each snuck out of Michonne's office with a plan for Shandrea once they each made sure the coast was clear. Only Rick stayed behind. He had some plans he wanted to share with Michonne about their upcoming Saturday activities.
While Andrea and Shane were organizing their Friday night shenanigans, Rick and Michonne were planning to meet each other's kids on Saturday morning. Michonne thought it might be too soon, Rick argued that it was a perfect time and when he could not convince her, Rick whined until Michonne gave in. Rick was ready to move things along. If it were up to Rick, they would be married by now with a bundle of joy on the way. Rick's son, Carl, was eight and Michonne's son, Andre, was six and both parents desperately hoped the boys got along. They planned a trip to the Aquarium, then lunch, then ending at the park. Might as well wear them out. But first, Rick needed to pick up Carl in King County, which meant, he had to deal with Lori.
When Rick arrived in front of his old home, he did not just have to contend with Lori, rather he had to put up with a very angry Lori. Rick had hoped that his ex would just send Carl out and keep the peace. But of course, in true Lori fashion, she came out punching.
"Don't you think I should meet your new girlfriend first Rick? You seem to have a string of em! I don't want Carl exposed to that!" Raged Lori as she pulled her boring robe loosely over her boring pajamas that were a couple sizes too big.
Lori dared not pull that robe tight. Rick eyed her closely. Lori was hiding something.
Lori was still salty over Rick not only for not taking her back after the affair, but also at having had two girlfriends since the divorce while she had no romantic prospects despite what was going on in that belly of hers. She cheated on her husband with a man that did not want a thing to do with her after all was said and done. Lori had to admit, she was surprised Rick did not rush to take her back. He was always so weak Lori believed, but for Rick, cheating was his line in the sand.
Lori struggled with finding a man after the divorce. Well, she did not exactly struggle because she was still very pretty, and she wore country girl very well, so she easily pulled men left and right. It was her boring personality that kept most from commitment, her constant whining and nagging that had them with one foot out the door, and her dull and tedious lovemaking that put the nail in the coffin and drove them all away. Lori would literally just lay there. Hardly made any sounds. Barely moved. It was off-putting and bizarre. Lori had not figured that out that she was a horrible lay. When she was with Rick, he loved their boring lovemaking. But that was because Rick did not know any better or any different back then as he had become boring himself. Rick would just hop on top, pump a few times, ejaculate, and jump right back off. Lasted three to five minutes tops. Rick thought that was as good as sex got and he was happy. Lori thought her lovemaking was on point! A tiger in fact. Maybe if she growled in bed a few times, she could keep a man. But alas, she did not and had no clue men thought she was lackluster and often times monotonous and you guessed it, BORING.
Lori's other reason for the hate she had towards Rick was the lack of alimony. She got child support in the divorce, but since she had an affair, Rick's lawyer was able to forfeit alimony and Lori was forced to finally get a J.O.B. She had no real job skills and was forced to apply for lower positions that in Lori's mind, felt beneath her. Which is why it was ironic when she found herself buried beneath all of them boxes of cereal she was trying to inventory for the restaurant where she waitressed, flat on her back and surrounded by captain crunch and fruit loops. Lori laid there and rubbed her belly and cried about the direction her life had taken. This was just another in a long ditch of shit she found herself swimming in since her affair with Negan. She was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
The only thing Rick paid for after the divorce was the house. He did not want Carl to have to move into a shitty apartment because with Lori's waitress job, that would have been all she could afford. Paying the mortgage did not hurt Rick's bank account in the least. Lori was pissed at that too. For all the years they were married, Lori wanted to live the luxurious highlife and the moment her and Rick broke up, he left his deputy job and was doing just that, without her. Rick's fancy job, huge house, and big bank account made Lori angry. Every time she thought about his new lifestyle and wealth, Lori wanted to punch a wall. Lori would rather punch Rick but that was impossible.
To pour more salt in Lori's already festering wound, Rick was living the highlife with new women. First Jessie, and now Michonne. Lori thought it should have been her reaping the benefits of his rags to riches story, but Rick would have never quit being a deputy if he stayed with Lori. She had no confidence in him, and Lori would have made sure to keep him beat down and boring with little encouragement for him to do anything else greater than he already was. Getting away from Lori was the third best thing that ever happened to Rick. The first was Carl and the second was Michonne.
"No Lori, I do not think you have any right to meet my girlfriend before Carl does. Matter of fact, there is no reason for you to meet her at all in my opinion," Rick said with his head tilted waiting for her shrill but boring voice to continue.
Listening to her was tedious now.
Dominate Rick was emerging again, and Lori noticed. She had not seen a glimpse of this Rick since a year or so after they got married; before she nagged and berated it out of him. Lori did not like that side of him one bit. She wanted weak Rick. Weak Rick she could control. Standing there watching him, his stance, and his confidence, it made her nervous. She would never have a chance of getting dominate Rick back into her bed. Lori became anxious but decided to appear more outraged to try and regain some authority. To put him in his place and try to keep him there.
"I met Jessie!" Screamed Lori as some sort of justification for meeting Michonne.
"I think more of Michonne than I did Jessie, or you for that matter," said Rick matter-of-factly which threw Lori off even more, "Michonne is nothing like Jessie. Nothing like you. I love Michonne too much for her to meet you now, at some point you will, for Carl's sake, but not now."
"Love?" Whispered Lori with a mix of sadness, anger, and jealousy.
Lori's eyes darted all over Rick's face. Lori refused to believe it was love. She was not going to put that possibility into the universe. Her sanity was slipping. People do crazy things when their mind ain't right.
Lori: We need to meet and plan to break up Rick and this new woman!
Jessie: I agree! Who is this?
Lori took a deep breath and stretched her neck.
Lori: What does your text ID say?
Jessie: First Bitch
Lori pursed her lips and sucked her teeth.
Lori: Lori
Jessie: No, this is Jessie.
Lori: My text ID now says dumb bitch.
Jessie: …
Lori put her phone away after rolling her eyes. She would deal with the stupid blond later. When Lori met Jessie, she thought there was definitely a real chance for her and Rick to reconcile. She knew Jessie was just a replacement for her because they were almost the same person and In Lori's deranged mind, Jessie was proof that Rick wanted her back. It would just take time. Lori did not consider Jessie any real competition. But with Rick saying this new woman was different, and with Rick acting more confident as a result of Michonne's influence, and especially with him throwing out the L-word, Lori became concerned, terrified in fact that her chance of getting Rick back was slim to none.
Before Lori could think of a response to Rick, Carl came bounding out of the house excited to see his dad and running full speed into a hug. Lori and Carl said their goodbyes and now Carl and Rick were happily back on the road to Atlanta. Back to Michonne.
"So how is everything Carl?" Asked Rick wanting to catch up with his son that he only saw on the weekends.
Rick wanted to change that, but it was too hard to see him during the week with Carl's school being in King County and him living in Atlanta. He was only able to see Carl four weekends a month, three if Lori was being vindictive and claiming Carl needed to attend a school function or family was coming and wanted to see Carl. Rick also had his son a week for Christmas break, half of Thanksgiving Day, two weeks for Spring Break, and the majority of the summer.
"Good, mom is moody though. One minute she is happy and the next she is crying. When she cries, I just give her a hug and go back to my room," replied Carl sadly.
Rick was wondering the cause of Lori's crying but did not want to pry through his son, that was Lori's modus operandi so he changed the subject. But right before he did, Carl made a statement that got Rick's attention.
"I made mom cry the other day and I feel bad about it. I tried to apologize but she just kept crying more," said a despondent Carl.
"What happened," worried Rick.
"When I gave her a hug, I told her she was getting fat. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but her stomach is so much bigger now, I can barely wrap my arms around her now."
"FUCK," Rick said under his breath.
Rick knew she was hiding something. When he picks up Carl, Lori usually prances out of the house wearing something skimpy and provocative from the secondhand thrift store to try and lure him in. Rick never fell for it. The last few weekends, she did not even leave the house, just waved from inside the front door, which Rick was grateful for but still found strange. Lori was pregnant, Rick was sure of it. Her being pregnant was not his concern, but he needed to make sure it would not disrupt his son's life even further. Rick would also need to make clear to Lori that if she moved on with whatever nutjob filled her with his seed, Rick would no longer pay the mortgage and would instead sell the home and petition for full custody of Carl. He hated that for Carl, so he hoped that her new man at least made a good living for himself and was not some deadbeat.
In fact, Negan was a deadbeat. Lori prayed that her zombie like lovemaking would eventually change his mind and make her an honest woman, but to no avail. Negan had flare and money, and later she found out he also had a wife and kids. She discovered that last part after she got pregnant. Lori thought Negan would give her the life Lori thought she deserved, instead Negan dumped her after telling her point blank the kid was not his and Lori has not heard from him since that last text three months ago.
Lori: I'm pregnant
Negan: My names bennet and I wasn't fucking in it.
Negan's number was disconnected shortly after that text. It was a burner phone anyway.
Technically, Lori was not sure exactly who the father was. During the same time, she also had unprotected sex with one of the new King County deputies, Leon Basset. Lori had to hope the baby was Leon's because if not, she was up a fucking shit creek with her bare hands as the paddle.
Leon Basset did not have high hopes when he met Lori Wayne. He was waiting for his dream girl, his crush. A pretty little country thang that Leon was way too shy to approach. While he was staring at the future love of his life, Lori stepped in and blocked his view. Lori was being bold and wanted sex, and Leon seemed young and capable. Negan only came to town sporadically and she needed to take the edge off. It was the most terrible sex Leon had ever had. If Lori had a superpower, it would be to turn herself into a zombie during sex. No, not true. Zombie's move. Zombie's grunt. Zombies reach out for you. Zombies bite you. Lori was absolutely not better than a zombie during sex. Lori was just a corpse that was stabbed in the head so as not to reanimate. For a few minutes during the boring sex, Leon thought Lori was actually dead. He panicked and started giving her mouth-to-mouth, which Lori thought was just sloppy kissing. When she opened her living dead eyes, Leon did not know if Lori was just a terrible lay or if his CPR skills actually brought her back from the dead. The thought made Leon go flaccid and he rolled off of her in disgust and tried to leave.
Lori begged him to stay the night, and after his third NO!, Lori cried. Leon felt bad and stayed with the intention of leaving first thing in the morning and never, absolutely NEVER go back. Unfortunately for Leon, in the middle of the night, in a drowsed state, he dreamed that he was having sex with the cute girl he had been crushing on since he moved to King County. When he finally fully woke up and opened his eyes, he realized he was balls deep in Lori and cumming with no condom. Lori smirked thinking she rocked his world. Leon left immediately after his horrible ordeal and prayed to never run into Lori again. He also prayed she was on birth control. She was not.
Lori would need a paternity test, to figure out the father. She was disgusted with herself. She dreamed Negan would change his mind and run to her, well prayed his money would run to her. At the very least get some good child support from him. That is why she waited to tell Leon about her predicament. She did not want the baby to be his. Lori figured she could find Negan and make him pay. Lori did not want to work, and Leon had no money. He could not afford her a better life. And because Lori is terrible, she waited and plotted. Lori is the damn worst.
While Lori quietly waited, Leon finally got the courage to approach his crush, the girl of his dreams that he would eventually marry. A simple county girl, but a good and supportive woman that was far from boring and who, after finding out Leon was the father of Lori's child, will marry him anyway and become the best stepmother she could be.
Rick: On my way back to pick you up
Michonne: faster if I uber to the aquarium. We will meet you there.
Rick: I will meet you anywhere.
Michonne: I just need you to meet me at the aquarium Rick.
Rick: Aquarium it is!
Rick shook the thought about of Lori's pregnancy out of his mind and focused on brighter things like his day with Michonne and the kids. Lori's pregnancy was not his problem. It was going to be a great day despite Lori's antics. What could possibly go wrong?