6 months Later
"Hey are you busy after this?" Bellamy asked. I was standing across the room rinsing out some brushes. Initially I called him over to help me box up some paintings to sell but really I just wanted to spend time with him.
Lately he was always with Echo and I never saw him anymore. Either she was at our place or he was at hers and in between we were both working. It felt good just to be around him even if we didn't do much of anything.
"Uh not really. I was gonna go grab some lunch and meet with O, why?" He fumbled around for a minute before answering. "Was just going to ask you to lunch but we can another time."
He was being weird. His answers seemed dodged and his mood shifted. I couldn't help but laugh at him, "It's just lunch? Grab something with me and we can both go see her together?" I suggested. Truthfully I wasn't ready for our time together to be over but I didn't want to seem clingy.
"You sure? I've got to make a stop but I wanted to talk to you about something." His words brought me back to the night I was going to tell him how I felt. Naturally it never happened. I didn't do it in that moment and I chickened out the next day when we met up, and here we were 6 months later in the same position. My heart was in my throat at his words. What would the odds be that he wanted to have the same conversation with me? "Positive."
The only thing I was positive about was that I was going to lose my mind until lunch.
We went and picked up subs from my favorite place that was just a little ways from my studio and Bellamy gave me an address to go to, his pit stop. We still hadn't had our conversation yet so his previous words were eating at me. What could be possibly want to talk about that seemed so important?
The address was to an antique shop. I'd been there a few times with Octavia and Raven, it wasn't a surprise that Bellamy had came here though he was a history nerd through and through. I figured he had tracked down some old books or something. He said he would just be a second but I decided to get our and look around a bit while he did what he was here for.
He was talking to the woman at the counter and pulled out a piece of paper. I tried not to be nosey as I looked around but I was curious. Octavias birthday was coming up so I thought maybe he had gotten her a present. I walked up beside him at the counter as the woman handed him a small box he opened it to show a ring. And then my heart sank.
This was the conversation. He wanted to tell me that he was proposing to Echo, not that he was in love with me. I wanted to puke. And then he asked what I thought of it. "For Echo?" I asked stupidly. I was foolishly hoping that maybe I had made up the scenario in my head, until he nodded. "That serious huh?" He shrugged, "I love her." As if it was as simple as that.
But to him it was, he loved her and she loved him. They'd been together for a while now and marriage was the next step. It was logical. I was the idiot on the sidelines.
"It's beautiful." That was true. The ring was older but you could tell it had been polished and buffed I assumed that's why he had to pick it up. The sides had intricate swirls that came up to hold a single diamond. Simple, classic and ruining my life.
"This is what you wanted to talk about?" I asked after we had left. Some part of me needed confirmation that this was it. "Sort of. I also wanted to talk about you." My heart beat faster in my chest, though rationally I knew it wouldn't be anything close to what I wanted to hear.
"Echo and I have been talking about me moving in with her. But I told her I wanted to talk with you first. I know you've been doing really well with selling your paintings I just don't want to leave you if you can't handle it all on your own." As if the last few minutes hadn't been hard enough now he was leaving. I wanted to say no. To tell him that I couldn't afford things on my own and that I needed him to stay. But it wasn't true.
My pantings sold like crazy, and for so much more than I could have ever dreamt of. All of my hard work paid off and I truly hadn't needed Bellamys help with bills for a while but I was too scared to tell him in case he wanted to leave and now here he was leaving anyway. I knew I shouldn't want to hold him back, I mean what kind of best friend did that make me? But I didn't want to lose him either. We hardly saw each other now as it was but if he wasn't living with me anymore I really wouldn't see him.
But I had to suck it up. He was happy and wanted to get a start on the rest of his life and I couldn't be the one to hold him back. I mean he was proposing it only made sense that they live with each other.
"I'll miss you." I admitted we had talked things out and had just arrived to visit with Octavia. He laughed, "I won't be far, plus we have movie nights and you're my best friend Clarke it's not like I'll never see you again." He was right of course but that's the way it felt. Standing on the sidewalk outside of the tattoo shop he pulled me into a hug. The two of us didn't hug often but when we did it was special, there was meaning behind it. "Let's go eat."
From the start Octavia knew something was up, she had clearly seen our hug from the window, she looked at me with hopeful eyes and I knew she was hoping I'd finally told him about my feelings. I subtly shook my head at her and sat down. "So Bellamy has good news." I said trying my hardest to sound happy as I nudged his elbow.
I knew he wanted to tell O about his plans he had told me so on the way over but I knew he would beat around the bush about it. Better to rip off the band aid now. "Oh really? What's up?" Octavia questioned. "I'm gonna propose to Echo." He said happily. Hearing it again almost hurt more than the first time, "Holy shit." Octavia busted out. She looked at me with a mixture of shock and maybe pity I couldn't quite tell. Bellamy laughed, "What no congratulations?" He asked continuing to pick at his food. "I just didn't realize you guys were that serious." She said voicing my own same thoughts. "What's with the two of you? You act like we just started dating. I love her. Getting married is what you do when you love someone." He said defending himself a little harder than necessary. The guilt set in and I prayed Octavia would end it and congratulate him instead but we both knew that wasn't who she was even with her brother.
"I know that Bell you've just never been that serious with anyone before I didn't realize I guess. I mean you guys aren't exactly the affectionate type." I sat down my sandwich bracing myself for the argument that was about to happen. "So because we aren't all over each other like you and Lincoln means I don't love her?" She sighed. "You know that's not what I meant." "No O I don't. I thought you liked Echo? Because it sounds like right now you don't want me to ask her to marry me. Which is bullshit might I add. Clarke isn't Echos biggest fan but even she's happy for me." Now I was desperately hoping Octavia didn't say something that would ruin everything for me. Scrambling for some sort of beacon I pulled out my keys and laid them on the table in front of Bellamy. He was a runner, mainly when it came to arguing with Octavia and I knew in giving him a way out he would take it. He looked relived before grabbing them up and saying he would see me later, leaving his unfinished lunch on the table.
As soon as he was out the door I turned to Octavia. "What the hell was that about?!" I scolded her. She looked at me like I was crazy, "You aren't seriously going to let him do this are you?" She asked as if I was his mother. But I knew what she was referring to. "He loves her." I defended. No matter how right or wrong we thought the other was that's what we did, we had each other's back. "He loves you more Clarke!" She nearly yelled, and I was grateful the shop was closed for lunch but Lincoln came into the back room where we sat. "Everything okay?" He asked peaking in. "My brother is a moron and is going to propose to Echo and Clarke is even more of an idiot by letting him." He glanced at me opened his mouth to speak and then changed his mind going back out into the shop. "See?! Even Lincoln who stays out of everything can see this isn't right." "He loves her Octavia." I repeated almost exhausted by the thought, It was as if I thought saying it over and over would make myself believe it. "He's happy. And if he's happy, than I'm happy. Which is how you should feel." She sat there quite. "What about you?" I managed to laugh. "What about me? He's my best friend. I'm always going to love him, I just have to love him a little less now." "Can you do that?" She asked doubtfully. She was right, I wasn't sure that I could but I had to at least try. If I wasn't willing to tell him how I felt I had to let go of any hope that he felt the same way. I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I have to."
For the rest of the afternoon I hung around the shop with Lincoln and Octavia, waiting for them to be able to take me home. But by the time they were ready to go I decided home was the last place I wanted to be so I stayed over at theirs to drink a little. And a little ended up being a lot. Neither of them wanted me to go home but I didn't really want anymore of Octavias pity so she called me an Uber and I went home.
I fumbled for my key and stumbled into the house only to see Bellamy sitting on the couch. The tv was on but he didn't really seem to be watching it. "What are you doing here? Figured you'd be out with Echo." He was quiet and for a moment I thought maybe something was wrong with him, I got closer to make sure he was breathing. Before I got to him he finally moved and spoke. "She broke up with me." I stopped in my tracks, purely in shock. "Wait what?" I asked confused. My drunk mind was having a hard time grasping the situation. "I told her I had talked to you about moving and she broke up with me. Didn't even get around to the proposing part." He snorted as if the conversation was something funny.
Suddenly my mind felt almost clear and the words that I blurted flew out of my mouth without my permission but it was the first time it ever felt right to tell him.
"I love you. Not in the you're my best friend and I love you like family way. But in the I've been in love with you for so long and to afraid to tell you kind of way. And I know that the timing isn't exactly the best but after today I never thought I would be able to tell you this so I'm telling you know even though I'm a little drunk because I don't think I could live with myself if you never knew." I ranted out. And by the time the words were out of my mouth I wanted to take them back. My drunken actions could have just cost me by best friend and it wasn't helping that Bellamy wasn't responding to me. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. Opening my mouth to tell him just to forget it all he finally spoke.
"Ask me why Echo broke up with me." He said looking at me, there was no indication of what he was thinking and I was dying. I didn't want to play a stupid game I just needed him to tell me something other than talk about her. I started to protest and he said it again. Clearly impatient. "Princess just ask me". It had been a while since he had called me that. Usually when he was fed up with me or wanted to annoy me, so I was confused. "Why?" I asked quietly. "She said she'd been trying to figure out how to end things for a couple of weeks now, after our conversation about me moving in with her. She said she realized then after I told her I wouldn't leave you if you needed me." I was even more confused and had no idea what this had to do with my declaration of love.
"Realized what?" The suspense was killing me. He hadn't yelled or walked out on me yet so I figured it was safe to assume we'd still be friends but I had no idea where the conversation was going.
"That I would never love her the way I love you."
You could hear a pin drop in the silence, I just knew it. I heard what he had said but my heart and my brain just couldn't seem to make sense of it. "Wait what?" I asked quietly trying to piece it all together. My heart was beating out of my chest.
"It was a movie night back in the beginning. You were sitting next to me on the couch, we were watching Troy and eating Chinese. You kept falling asleep, that was when you had crazy shifts at the hospital, I knew you were too tired and tried to get you to cancel but you wanted to spend time with everyone. You woke up, looked at me and smiled before laying your head on my shoulder and falling back asleep. That's the first time I realized I loved you. I don't know why but in that moment I knew that I wasn't ever not going to love you."
I had tears in my eyes. Everything I had wanted was finally happening and I couldn't make the words I needed to say come out of my mouth. "Echo?" I questioned. I wanted to know why he had stayed with her if he knew that he loved me. I knew he would understand my simple question.
He shrugged and patted the couch telling me to come sit. I kicked off my shoes then walked over and sat down on the opposite side of the couch, facing him, I couldn't be so close to him. Not yet. He re positioned himself to sit across from me. "I didn't think you felt the same way. O tried to tell me a couple of times but I thought she was crazy. I know you two are close but she doesn't know you the way I do and I thought she was making something out of nothing."
"The night after you first brought Echo over I was going to tell you. I cried in the back yard to Monty and Jasper, had finally worked up the courage then you went home with her and it all disappeared. I just wanted you to be happy and the world wasn't going to end if I didn't tell you so I didn't. I think the night you offered to move in with me was when I realized I loved you. You were my knight in armor every time."
Again the silence was deafening. "We wasted a lot of time, huh?" Then suddenly I was laughing and the laughing turned into crying. Bellamy looked at me like I had finally broken.
"I'm sorry. I just... Today has been very emotionally exhausting." I admitted wiping my eyes. We had gone from me thinking he was getting married and leaving me. To him also being in love with me. "Come here."
Laying up against him he tucked my head under his chin. "I would really like to kiss you but I don't want to remember the first time I finally get to kiss you as being on the same day I was going to ask someone else to marry me so I'm not going to. Just know that I really want to." Bellamy said. At that I couldn't help but to laugh, it was a very him thing to say. "I would also really like that. Just so we're clear." A few seconds later I felt him kiss the top of my head. " I love you Clarke. I'm sorry I never said it sooner." At this I smiled. "I love you too."
Naturally my phone started to ring, glancing to the coffee table where it lay I saw it was Octavia FaceTiming me. "She'll just keep calling if I don't answer." I told him sitting up to get it and then moving myself so he wouldn't be in view. We had just begun to figure things out and I wasn't ready to tell the world.
"Did you make it home?" She questioned as I answered, no hello. "Yeah I'm here just haven't made it to bed yet." I responded. "Have you been crying?" I should have known she would be able to tell, now regretting answering the video call. "It's nothing O, I'm fine." "Listen I'll talk to Bellamy tomorrow okay? I know you're tired of hearing me say it and I know that you don't believe me but he loves YOU Clarke. And if he knew that you loved him he wouldn't be doing this." My face was hot with embarrassment, I felt so pathetic having Bellamy listen to our conversation. "I'm going to bed I'll call you tomorrow."
"As much as I hate to admit it, she's right. If I knew you felt anything for me at all, Echo never would have happened." Bellamy said after a few minutes of silence. While I was happy to hear this it still felt like it wasn't real. I needed sleep. I needed to be sober for this.
"Come on let's get you to bed." He said realizing I wasn't going to respond. Standing from the couch he held out his hand for me to take and while it was such a simple gesture all I could think about was starting fresh.