Hey guys. I changed this chapter up just a little bit. In this one we find out more about Amanda's autism but everything else is the same. I'm trying to divided up between the autism and the regression. I hope to have everything corrected in the next few days.
That was how they remained for the next hour, Amanda in Olivia's arms, still sucking on the pacifier as her other hand clutched the front of Olivia's t-shirt. Liv rocked slowly in the rocking chair in an attempt to keep her calm and get her to sleep as she quietly watched the sound of music on the television. She glanced down at Amanda from time to time, but she didn't lift her head from where it was tucked securely against Olivia's neck and she was more than ok with that. The blonde seemed totally calm, just happy to be held and that was what mattered. This was the most relaxed she'd seen Amanda all day, and with her eyes opening and closing repeatedly she knew it wouldn't be long before she was out for the count. She had seen this behavior multiple times before her kidnapping. When she had first joined svu, Olivia wasn't sure how to feel about anyone joining the team. Elliot leaving had left emotional scars and the last thing she wanted was new detectives, however; she had grown to care deeply for the woman in her arms.
Amanda was a great detective and once she had excepted her as part of the unit, they became great friends.
It started with dinner or coffee after a case and progressed to movie nights at either of their places when work allowed.
Everything changed one night when after a phone call from her mother, her friend regressed right in front of her.
After talking with her and realizing that this was how she dealt with things from then on the older woman had made it her responsibility to provide Amanda the love, safety and comfort she so desperately wanted and needed.
She let out a yawn and Olivia looked at her. "Are you tired?" she asked and she responded by tucking her head back in the crook of Liv's neck.
"Ok baby, let's go night night." Liv said, pressing a kiss to her smooth cheek, making Amanda look up and blink back at her with that same loving and trusting expression she always got when she was like this. She looked at the clock and saw it was a little after 9, but she herself was tired as well. Taking care of her young detective was a huge responsibility. She stood up and carried her into her own room. Amanda would be sleeping with her for the time being. When she was in this state she became very clingy and would scream if Liv put her in her bed by herself. She figured it had something to do with what she had gone through as a child, made worse by the hell she had endured for the last year. "Ok my love," Olivia said as she tucked her into bed, "I'll be right back." she said and Amanda whined, desperately gripping Olivia's finger with her small hand. "I'll be right back, I promise," she said, kissing her softly.
When she returned from locking up the apartment and changing into her pajamas a few minutes later, Amanda was sound asleep, the pacifier having slipped from her mouth and Liv placed it on the side table before crawling into bed next to her.
She woke up the next morning feeling refreshed. Amanda had no nightmares the previous night, and
It appeared that baby Amanda had no memory of the hell she'd gone through. Olivia was, in a way, greatful for that.
About an hour later, she heard crying coming from the bedroom. Rushing through the door, she saw Amanda sitting up and reaching her arms out to her. "Shhhh baby," she said as she picked her up. "Ma," the blonde whispered as a small hand touched the side of Liv's face and she smiled.
"That's right sweetheart, Mama's here," she cooed softly as she dressed her for the day.
She wasn't sure when Amanda calling her Ma had started but she didn't mind. One night when she had regressed she called Liv Ma and from then on it had stuck.
Once again she assumed it had to do with the fact that her own mother never gave her what she needed.
Amanda loved her real mom, but the older woman wanted nothing to do with her.
Olivia can count on one hand the number of times the blonde has shown up at her place after going to see her and having to deal with the emotional wounds left behind from that visit. Now she accompanies her on these visits. She had taken her to a therapist, and she had been told that this was Amanda's way of dealing with everything that had happened to her.
Big girl Amanda was also seeing the therapist but she was still very frightened of strangers, however; dr. Phillips was very patient with her. She understood what Amanda had gone through and had even allowed Olivia to come in during a few sessions when needed.
Olivia smiled, thinking about Amanda's next appointment. She would be so proud to hear the progress that Amanda made when bonding with Fin and that she had decided on her own what she wanted. This was just one thing that they were working on. Amanda needed to know that she was safe and was allowed to make her own choices. The biggest one was that she wouldn't wear clothes unless Olivia made her.
More often than not she would find the blonde in various places in the apartment with nothing on, and it took her having to dress her herself before she would realize it was indeed ok for her to have on clothes.
"Ok baby," she said softly. "You stay here while I get breakfast ready."she said, placing her on the living room floor and watching with a grin as she crawled over and began playing with her toys.
Once breakfast was eaten and the dishes were done she walked into the living room and sat down on the couch, watching Amanda who was happily playing with blocks.
When she saw her she abandoned her toys before crawling over to Liv who picked her up.
"Hey sweetheart," she whispered. "Did you want to cuddle?" she asked and Amanda just snuggled closer in response.
"Ma," Amanda beamed, looking at Olivia with complete adiration and trust. "Hey there, sweetheart," she responded kissing the top of Amanda's head making her smile even more.
"So, Fin wants to come by and visit," she said. "Is that ok?" she asked and Amanda clapped her hands excitedly making Liv chuckle.
She couldn't be any more proud of her for wanting to see Fin again.
She was slowly learning to trust people besides Olivia and the older woman hoped nothing would set her back in that regard.
She knew though that if Amanda didn't return to her big girl self within the next little bit that Fin would find out about the blonde's regression, but she wasn't worried . She knew he would still love her no matter what.
A little while later there was a knock at the door, and Amanda squealed happily.
"Fin?" she whispered and Liv smiled. "Maybe, sweetie," she responded. "Let's see," she said walking towards the door with Amanda in her arms.
"Hey Fin," she greeted with a smile, opening the door for him after checking to make sure it was indeed the older man. "Come on in."
He nodded and followed her into the living room, taking a seat beside the two on the couch.
"Down Ma," Amanda said squirming to get down and she looked at Fin who was staring in shock at his partner.
"Ok my love, go play." she told her, placing Amanda on the floor and watching as she went back to her blocks.
Once she was happily building with her toys, Olivia looked at Fin. It was now or never.
"Liv?" he asked with a raised eyebrow as he looked at his partner. She just shook her head and sighed.
"What do you want to know?" she asked and he just sat in silence, thinking of how to ask the questions that were rolling around in his head.
"Does she always... act like that?" he questioned. "It depends," Liv responded.
Seeing the confused exspression on his face she leaned back into the couch.
This would take a while.
"She's regressed," the older woman began. "What do you mean?" he questioned.
"Since her rescue she regresses when she's scared, anxious or has a particularly bad nightmare or flashback." she continued and he began to understand.
"What age is she right now?" he asked and Liv sighed.
"Honestly, i'm not sure," she answered. "She's probably between 1 and 4 mentally right now."
"Last night she was about the age of a 6-month old baby." she continued and he just stared, not knowing what to say.
After a while of watching her he look back at Olivia and spoke softly. "So... what can I do to help?" he asked. He wanted to help them in whatever way he could but he knew he needed to take it slow and take time to rebuild his friendship with the blonde little girl, that was currently happily playing on the floor.
He knew if he could do that then he would have a better chance of rebuilding his friendship with big girl Amanda.
"Well, I do need some help," Liv said and he nodded.
He knew taking care of Amanda by herself was taking a tole on his friend.
"Ok, well I was thinking," he began to say before he felt a tug on his pants. Glancing down he saw Amanda had crawled over to him and was looking at him with a smile.
"Hey there," he said as he sat down on the floor next to her.
"Up," she asked and he complied, carefully lifting her into his arms before sitting back down on the couch, making sure she could still see Olivia from her position in his lap.
"I was thinking," he continued. "What if i spend an hour a day with her when you bring her with you into the station?" he asked and waited to see what Liv thought of his suggestion.
"I'm fine with that," she responded and he smiled. "She will probably want to stay in my office though," she continued as Amanda reached over and began playing with her fingers and he nodded while watching the interaction.
"I can also watch her if you need to go out," he said and she nodded. "I think we will need to build up to that," she said. .
He understood but he missed his friend. The year she was gone was just as tough on him as it was on Olivia.
She was going to get coffee when she was taken, and he had never forgiven himself. If only he had gone with her he thought, but knew blaming himself wouldn't help.
He was brought back to the present when Amanda began moving in his lap.
"What is it, baby girl," he asked and she just pointed at Liv.
"You wanna go back to Liv now? he asked and she just reached for her in response.
"Sorry," she said taking Amanda back into her arms and he just shook his head. "It's fine," he responded. "She has to get used to me again," he said. "I understand."
"She's been through hell this last year, and you've built a repore with her." "I'll get there, it'll just take time," he said and the older woman smiled before nodding in agreement.
After Fin had left, Olivia was going through the case files hoping to find a connection between Amanda and the other victims when the blonde walked into the kitchen. "Hey honey," she said. "Are you ok?" "Hey Liv, I'm ok" the blonde responded and she smiled. Big girl Amanda was back with her.
"Can, can we go out?" Amanda asked and she closed the file before looking directly at her. "Honey, are you sure you want to?" she questiond. The last time she had taken Amanda out she had a pannic attack when a man resembling her master had walked passed them.
"I'm sure," she said after thinking it over. "I'll be good," she said, kneeling in front of Olivia. "Baby, you don't have to kneel," she said. "Remember you're safe with me," she reminded gently, and "you're always a good girl."
"I'll never hurt you, you know that," she continued and Amanda relaxed.
"Can we get something to eat?" "Of course, sweetheart," Liv responded. "Can you get ready or do you need my help?"
"Do you need my help?" She repeated before looking at her boss with a scared expression. She knew about Amanda's autism. She had known since she had joined the unit. Cragen had told her how to handle one of the blonde's meltdowns and about her stims so she nor Fin never got upset when she repeated their words.
"I can do it," she answered and went to do so.
Once she had left the room Liv scrubbed her hands over her face. She hoped this wouldn't end in disaster.